by Leigh Bale
Andie bit her bottom lip. She felt the same way, but she didn’t want to cry about this today. Or ever again. She wanted to put it behind her. Could forgiveness be that simple? Could she just let it go? “I know, Sue. I don’t think Matt’s going away this time, even if he leaves town. He’ll always be Davie’s daddy. I just want to find a way to make this easier on all of us.”
“I know. But what about you? How are you going to deal with this situation? You’re still young, Andie. You deserve to be with someone who loves you.”
Andie smiled, trying to be strong. Trying to reach for the faith she’d slowly lost over years of lethargy toward God. “I’m going to start rebuilding my trust in the Lord. And from there, I’ll deal with it one day at a time.”
Chapter Nine
Matt grit his teeth as he lay on his back and pressed his knee against the exercise mat in his physical therapist’s office. In his head, he counted to twenty, then released a breath of air as he relaxed his leg.
“Good, but keep your heel pressed down. We need to strengthen your thigh.” Shane, his therapist, used his strong hands to knead the tight muscles of Matt’s calf.
Matt did as told, determined to toughen his bad leg so he could walk without a cane. For weeks he’d been walking on his treadmill, gradually increasing the pace until he was jogging three miles every day. It wasn’t easy, but he could do it as long as he held tight to the handrails. Whenever he thought of letting go, he reminded himself that he was holding on to his faith in God, and nothing was impossible with the Lord on his side.
Now as he repeated the exercise, his thigh muscle screamed in agony. Matt clenched his hands, counting to twenty-five, determined to push himself. He had to get himself in condition to deal with the fire-fighting training school he had planned in early May.
It seemed to take a century to finish each set, but Matt did it. He wanted to cry like a baby, but he refused to quit. He might have to live with chronic pain the rest of his life, but he couldn’t give in to it. Not unless he wanted to commit suicide to find relief. He’d thought of that option many times during the first couple of months following the wildfire. But when he imagined never seeing Andie again, the idea of killing himself had flown out the window. And now there was Davie to think about.
Matt wanted to live. Wanted to be whole again. He would pass the arduous level of his physical testing next month. He would!
Though he hadn’t found a way to forgive himself for what happened during the wildfire, and he hadn’t won Andie’s forgiveness, he had found the courage to keep trying. Whenever he thought of giving up, a curious peace settled over him, giving him strength to fight off the despair. To keep going.
Shane released the pressure and gently massaged Matt’s thigh. “You’re getting stronger, Matt. I can see a big difference this week. Rest a moment. You feel like doing another set?”
“Sure.” No, he didn’t really, but Matt breathed in deeply, easing himself through the tight muscles.
Dressed in exercise shorts, he turned his head away so he wouldn’t have to look at the ugly scars marring his flesh. At one time, he’d been in superb physical condition with strong, muscular legs. When not working on a fire, he’d had a fitness regime that included push-ups, sit-ups and chin-ups. He’d run ten miles on his days off, pushing himself further and harder than any of his crew members. Now every movement seemed a major undertaking.
“Yep, you’re definitely getting stronger, Matt. I can tell you’ve been doing your exercises at home.”
“I never miss a day.” Not when it meant he might walk like a normal man again.
“How many repetitions are you up to with each set?”
“Twenty before I rest.”
“How many sets?”
“Thirty sets three times a day.”
Shane stared at Matt, then gave a low whistle. “No wonder you’re stronger. But how’s the pain?”
“Like a mother bear.”
“Not getting any better?”
Matt wished. “Not yet. Maybe it’s just my toleration for pain that has increased.”
Shane’s strong fingers continued to knead the taut muscles in Matt’s leg. “Hang in there, Matt. I hate to say this to one of my patients, but you may be pushing yourself too hard. I’m hoping your muscles reach a point where they no longer hurt. They were badly damaged and need time to repair.”
They started another set of exercises with Matt pressing against Shane’s strong hands. Matt breathed deep and slow, clenching his jaw. Shane kept up a steady stream of conversation, and Matt realized it was Shane’s way of distracting him from the pain.
“How’s your family doing?” Shane leaned his weight forward against Matt’s lifted leg.
“Good.” Matt thought about Davie’s birthday party coming up soon. He couldn’t wait.
“You still having nightmares?”
“Yeah.” For some reason, Matt had confided in Shane the first time he met him after Shane suggested Matt might want to depend upon a higher power than himself to get through his rehabilitation. The physical therapist had an easy, nonjudgmental way about him that made Matt feel safe. Before Matt even realized what he was doing, he’d revealed that he was having nightmares about the wildfire.
“Did you tell your doctor about them?”
“I haven’t had time to see a shrink yet.”
Shane waved his hand, and Matt rolled over onto his stomach. They both had this routine down flat. Matt knew the exercises by heart. “Talking to a medical professional is just as important to your psychological health as these exercises are to your physical health.”
“I don’t need some shrink to analyze my mind. I know how I feel. I don’t need someone telling me how I should feel.” Matt bent his knee, pressing the heel of his left foot toward the back of his thigh.
Shane waited to see if Matt could lift the flat of his foot up toward the ceiling without assistance. Matt could do it, but he couldn’t hold it for long before his hamstring cramped like a knotted rope.
“I think a psychologist would help you deal with your mental pain, Matt. Sometimes we think we have all the answers when we don’t. A trained professional can help you discover how to feel better.”
“I don’t have time,” Matt grumbled, knowing Shane was right. Matt had always had the answers before. He wasn’t used to asking for help from strangers and didn’t want to start now.
Shane assisted Matt, lifting and pressing gently but firmly. “You need to make time, Matt. I’ve read your report, and what happened on the wildfire wasn’t your fault. It’s important that you forgive yourself. It’ll help with your rehabilitation.”
Matt didn’t respond. How could he forgive himself when every fiber of his being disagreed? When a good man had died?
“How did church go last week?” Shane asked.
Matt had also confided to Shane that he planned to attend church. “Fine, after my wife and sister-in-law got over the shock of seeing me in a church.”
Shane chuckled. “Yeah, I have one of those sisters-in-law myself. And a mother-in-law, too. Did attending church help you with the nightmares?”
Not a lot. Though Matt had found solace in reaching out to God, he hadn’t yet resolved his survivor’s guilt. Why had he lived when Jim had died? The other man had a family depending on him. His wife and kids needed him. And yet, Matt had been the one to survive. Why?
Though Matt hadn’t yet found the answer, he believed it had something to do with his return to Andie and discovering he had a son. Maybe God had saved him so that Matt could become a father to Davie. Could it be that simple?
“And what about your wife?”
Shane’s words echoed in Matt’s hollow heart. He’d been thinking the same thing. Davie had welcomed Matt with open arms, but Andie remained aloof. Matt wondered if he’d ever break through her defenses and mend her broken heart. Since last week, he’d repeatedly asked God for help, but maybe it was too late. Matt couldn’t pray away Andie’s free agency. God a
llowed all men and women, both good and bad, to choose for themselves how they would act. Sometimes their actions injured other people. Andie had the right to decide for herself, but perhaps the Lord could soften her heart.
“I’m not sure if Andie will ever forgive me, but at least she’s speaking to me. And she lets me visit my son almost any time I want.”
“That’s good. Don’t give up on her. I can help rehabilitate your injured body, but the Lord can help mend Andie’s angry heart. And a trained psychologist can help rehabilitate your injured mind.”
Matt gave a dry laugh. “You never give up, do you?”
Shane flashed a grin. “Not on my favorite patients. I figure we’re also friends.”
“We are. You don’t by chance know any exercises I can do to gain Andie’s forgiveness, do you?”
“Yeah, as a matter of fact, I do.”
“Oh? What’s the secret?”
“Send lots of knee mail.”
“Knee mail?”
Shane smiled. “Yeah, prayer. You know? Get down on your knees and pray. It’ll be good exercise for your soul as well as your leg muscles. Then trust in your higher power to do the rest. Give it time. You just need the courage to work through everything.”
Matt snorted. “What about Andie’s will?”
“If you’re willing to accept the will of your higher power, your heart and soul will be equipped to accept Andie’s will also.”
Shane’s words sank deep into Matt’s heart. Could it be true? Could he really accept God’s will if it meant Andie continued to harden her heart against him?
Matt figured he had little choice in what Andie decided to do. But he could choose to be happy even if Andie refused to forgive him. And that’s when Matt realized that his love for Andie wasn’t conditional upon her love for him. He loved her no matter what, because his love was all he had control over. He could decide, irrespective of what other people in his life chose to do. He had his freedom to choose, no matter what hardships or pain he faced. No matter what other people chose to do.
He could still choose to be happy and to love his family.
Matt sat up on the exercise mat and Shane helped him stand. Matt put his weight on his bad leg, testing its strength. After his heavy workout, his legs felt surprisingly relaxed and pain-free today. Maybe the therapy was helping after all. “I sure hope you’re right, Shane.”
“I know I am.”
His friend’s confidence inspired Matt. By the time he left the physical therapist’s office, he felt renewed and hopeful. As he walked out to the parking lot, his leg didn’t cramp, and he took every fourth step without leaning on his cane. Tonight he’d do his exercises at home, in hopes that his muscles wouldn’t tighten up through the night. Tomorrow he planned to start hiking. He’d wear a vest, gradually adding weight over the next few weeks until he could carry forty-five pounds for three miles and cover the distance within forty-five minutes. That’s what it would take for him to pass the arduous level of his fitness requirement.
As he climbed into his truck, he felt surprisingly free for the first time in months. The weight of surviving the wildfire didn’t seem as gloomy as before. He’d been given an awesome gift. The gift of life. A chance to change. To become a better man.
A man of God.
In spite of all his faults, Matt was determined not to let the Lord down again.
Andie glanced at the brass clock hanging on her office wall and gasped. Eleven-fifteen. How had the time gotten away from her so fast?
She clicked the save button on her computer screen and closed the mineral study she’d been working on for the Forest Supervisor. After tidying some reports on her desk, she hurried to the lady’s room to freshen up. Matt would be here by eleven-thirty, and she didn’t want to be late.
In the restroom, she couldn’t help checking her appearance in the mirror. She brushed the long bangs back from her face and rubbed away a smudge of mascara. Her eyes still looked puffy with fatigue, but that couldn’t be helped now.
Hurrying back to her office, she stopped by Clarice’s desk to give her some last-minute instructions on where she’d be for the rest of the afternoon.
“I’m riding out to visit Hank Cleary at Cove Ranch. Matt Cutter will be with me. You can reach me on my cell phone if something important comes up.”
Clarice lifted a perfectly manicured hand and pointed toward Andie’s office. “He’s waiting for you now.”
Andie tilted her head. “Hank Cleary?”
“No, Matt Cutter. He’s in your office. He just arrived a few minutes ago.”
Andie’s heart beat faster. Matt was early. “Okay, I’ll see you tomorrow morning.”
As she headed to her office, Andie forced herself not to rush. For some reason, knowing Matt was waiting for her made her want to hurry, but she didn’t want to appear anxious to see him. Which she wasn’t.
Okay, maybe a little. But only because she was worried about him. Which irritated her. She didn’t want to worry about her husband. Worrying led to caring, which led to love, and she couldn’t allow herself to care for Matt ever again.
“Hi, Andie.” He smiled that lopsided smile of his when she entered the room. A smile that deepened the dimple in his left cheek and lit up his blue eyes.
In spite of what she’d just told herself, she couldn’t deny his presence made her feel happier. He sat in a chair before her desk, wearing his Forest Service uniform and grasping the hilt of his cane.
She looked away. “Hi, Matt. Ready to go?”
She shut down her computer, knowing she probably wouldn’t return before closing. The drive to and from Cove Ranch would take more than two hours, plus discussion and contract time.
Matt stood and opened the door for her. It might be her imagination, but he didn’t seem to limp quite as much.
“How’s your leg feeling today?” she asked as they walked outside to the parking lot.
“Better. I just left physical therapy, which loosens the muscles up.”
“So therapy is helping?”
He shrugged one shoulder. “Quite a bit. I’m hopeful.”
In the parking lot, she stared at her car with indecision. “You want to take mine or yours?”
“Mine.” He didn’t break stride as he walked toward the farthest corner of the lot. Parked beneath an ornamental cherry tree in full bloom was his blue truck.
“You sure you can drive that far with your bad leg?”
“Yep.” He kept walking, and she recognized the stubborn set of his shoulders.
“You sure parked a long way from the door.” She hustled to keep up with his brisk stride, pleased to see him moving more freely.
“Doctor’s orders. I do it on purpose to exercise my leg.”
Smart. “It seems to be working.”
“Yes, but after therapy, the leg usually stiffens on me in the night. Tomorrow morning, it’ll probably be stiffer than ever. So I might as well enjoy today.” He flashed her a smile and dug the keys out of his pants pocket.
The truck beeped as he used the remote to unlock the doors. He swung the door to the passenger seat open for her and she climbed in.
She should ask him about the wildfire now while he seemed willing to talk. But how did she do that without appearing too interested?
He walked around the truck and got inside, then buckled his seat belt before starting the engine. She held on to the armrest as he pulled onto Main Street and headed outside of town.
He glanced at her. “You look tired today. Everything okay at home?”
It seemed odd that he knew so much about her personal life. And even odder that he could tell she hadn’t slept well the night before.
She brushed a hand across her green shirt, feeling self-conscious. For some reason, she didn’t like looking tired in front of this man. She wanted him to find her young and attractive. Now, that was a crazy notion after all these years. “Davie kept me up most of the night. He has an upset stomach and didn’t go to school today.
”
Matt raised one dark eyebrow. “Anything serious?”
“I don’t think so. Sue called me about thirty minutes ago and said he’s not throwing up anymore. He’s sucking on a homemade ice pop and watching cartoons.”
“Good. I’d hate for him to be sick for his birthday.”
“You still planning to come to the party?”
He flashed a smile. “I wouldn’t miss it! What can I bring?”
“Nothing. Just yourself.”
“Is there anything in particular Davie’s been wanting for a present?”
“Only everything in sight.”
He laughed, a deep bass sound that reminded her of low thunder just before a rainstorm on the mountain. “He’s a normal kid, then.”
“He doesn’t need everything. I don’t want to spoil him, so please don’t go overboard on gifts.”
“I agree.” He paused, glancing in his rearview mirror. “How many big tractors does Hank Cleary have?”
She blinked, reminding herself that they were driving out to Cove Ranch to take a look at Mr. Cleary’s large cats, not to discuss her personal life. “Two, both with disc plows on them. From what my range specialist told me, Hank’s always been a big help during wildfires. He and his son are experienced and know how to build fire line quickly.”
“And you’ve already spoken to him, to see if he’s willing to let us contract his equipment again this year?”
“Of course, by phone. He’s a nice man and easy to work with.”
She fidgeted, wondering how to broach the subject that was really on her mind. She decided to just ask. “Matt, I don’t mean to be nosy, but have you ever told anyone what happened on the wildfire when you were injured?”
He tensed and hardened his jaw, his eyes narrowed and alert. “I’ve told the Lord.”
“And that’s all?”
“That’s all I need.”