Leashed to Faith

by Vicky Kaseorg

  Jeremiah 29:11

  For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope.

  Proverbs 3:5-6

  Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make straight your paths.

  Romans 8:28

  And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose.

  Proverbs 16:9

  The heart of man plans his way, but the Lord establishes his steps.

  There was definitely a theme here. I paused after reading those first four verses to ponder what they meant. First, God did have plans, that was clear. He had plans that would be for good, would secure my future, would give me hope, would make my path straight, and no matter what I planned…it was God who controlled my steps.

  So was I just a robot in God’s hands? The first verse told me that God knew the plans, but it never said He forced me to follow them. In fact, the next two verses indicated I had to trust God not myself, and I had to love God if I wanted all these good things to work out. Trusting God was definitely a point of action on my part, an act of my will. I knew that because thus far I would not say I had trusted God with my life. Not by a long shot.

  And I would also have to concede my paths were crooked.

  Now for sure, things had been looking up, really ever since the day I ran from the abortion center work and saved Bo. But maybe, those were the first stumbling steps towards God. I know for sure they were running from evil. Did that necessarily mean I was running towards God?

  Bo yawned, almost as though she heard my thoughts and found them boring. Maybe they were but I had never thought much about God. The idea that He had plans for me was a novel thought, and even exciting. My mother had told me that God had plans for me, but I never did find out what she thought those plans might be.

  My string of foster parents thought the plans were jail. Most felt that is where I was headed. I am not bitter. They were right. I was not exactly on a good track.

  But maybe God felt differently. Laugh if you must, but I felt like God was stretching His hand down from Heaven and touching my phone’s screen to reveal this special cosmic secret just for me. Crazy vision. Not at all my typical day dream.

  I read on:

  Isaiah 58:11

  And the Lord will guide you continually and satisfy your desire in scorched places and make your bones strong; and you shall be like a watered garden, like a spring of water, whose waters do not fail.

  Jeremiah 1:5

  “Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, and before you were born I consecrated you; I appointed you a prophet to the nations.”

  Well, that last verse appeared to be talking to someone else…Jeremiah I guess. However, I wondered if the general principle was the same. God was the one who created me, and even before I was born, He knew me! Mind altering!

  But the first verse was even more astonishing to me. I was totally into the thought that these verses were straight from Heaven for me alone. God wanted to guide me, give me my desires, make me strong…and keep me from failing.

  All I had ever known was failure.

  “You shall be like a watered garden, like a spring of water, whose waters do not fail.”

  Wow. I closed my eyes picturing a beautiful garden totally dependent on the water to nourish the flowers. I was the garden, nourished by the waters. I had an epiphany. I was not the waters…it was not I who did not fail…but God. The spring that watered the garden would not fail.

  I felt a torrent of relief. It was not up to me to succeed. Not at all. I just had to accept the unfailing nourishment and I would be a beautiful, well-watered, lush garden.

  Just as God had planned.

  And this happened in the “scorched places” according to that verse! The spring of water rose out of the most unlikely place, a desert! Out of the arid wasteland of my past, God had plans to bring water. This thought cascaded into others. What did I do to receive this water?

  I googled the book and chapter of the Bible that verse was from, Isaiah 58. Bo popped open an eye, probably wondering why I was still awake. She thumped her tail a couple of times and then her eyes drifted closed again.

  It was not at all what I expected. In fact, I sat up after reading it and almost threw my phone across the room THIS was God’s plan? Seriously. You read it and you will understand why I was so upset.

  Isaiah 58

  [1] “Shout it aloud, do not hold back.

  Raise your voice like a trumpet. Declare to my people their rebellion and to the descendants of Jacob their sins. [2] For day after day they seek me out; they seem eager to know my ways, as if they were a nation that does what is right and has not forsaken the commands of its God. They ask me for just decisions and seem eager for God to come near them. [3] 'Why have we fasted,' they say, 'and you have not seen it? Why have we humbled ourselves, and you have not noticed?' “Yet on the day of your fasting, you do as you please and exploit all your workers. [4] Your fasting ends in quarreling and strife, and in striking each other with wicked fists. You cannot fast as you do today and expect your voice to be heard on high. [5] Is this the kind of fast I have chosen, only a day for people to humble themselves? Is it only for bowing one's head like a reed and for lying in sackcloth and ashes? Is that what you call a fast, a day acceptable to the Lord? [6] “Is not this the kind of fasting I have chosen: to loose the chains of injustice and untie the cords of the yoke, to set the oppressed free and break every yoke? [7] Is it not to share your food with the hungry and to provide the poor wanderer with shelter---when you see the naked, to clothe them, and not to turn away from your own flesh and blood? [8] Then your light will break forth like the dawn, and your healing will quickly appear; then your righteousness will go before you, and the glory of the Lord will be your rear guard. [9] Then you will call, and the Lord will answer; you will cry for help, and he will say: Here am I. “If you do away with the yoke of oppression, with the pointing finger and malicious talk, [10] and if you spend yourselves in behalf of the hungry and satisfy the needs of the oppressed, then your light will rise in the darkness, and your night will become like the noonday. [11] The Lord will guide you always; he will satisfy your needs in a sun-scorched land and will strengthen your frame. You will be like a well-watered garden, like a spring whose waters never fail. [12] Your people will rebuild the ancient ruins and will raise up the age-old foundations; you will be called Repairer of Broken Walls, Restorer of Streets with Dwellings. [13] “If you keep your feet from breaking the Sabbath and from doing as you please on my holy day, if you call the Sabbath a delight and the Lord's holy day honorable, and if you honor it by not going your own way and not doing as you please or speaking idle words, [14] then you will find your joy in the Lord, and I will cause you to ride in triumph on the heights of the land and to feast on the inheritance of your father Jacob.” For the mouth of the Lord has spoken.

  So, first of all, rather than gently and kindly encouraging the reader (me), God instead blasted with both barrels. He called His people rebellious sinners, that fasted and prayed and sought Him, but He apparently believed it was all for show, all fake. Now I had seen enough of false, two-faced people to know God was probably right about this, but it wasn’t the shot in the arm I was hoping to bring me cheerfully into His glorious presence.

  Then He lists what His hopeful followers should be doing. I agreed with the list at first — help the hungry, the homeless, the naked, the oppressed…but then the end of verse 7 almost gagged me with the implication: not to turn away from your own flesh and blood…

  Could this be?? Could God be speaking to me? I had been certain He was when reading about the well watered garden with waters that would not fail. But THIS? In order to BE the beautiful garden, and as verses 8 on to the end promised, find healing, and satisfaction, and guidance, and joy…I had to among other things, n
ot turn from my own flesh and blood.

  I shut off my phone and stared at the ceiling.

  Chapter Seven

  Iwas not happy about the thought that trailed me like a hungry dog the following week. Was God saying I was not to neglect my own flesh and blood as in Dr. Mortimer Thanatos? Surely if He were an all-knowing God, He would know that was a ridiculous request. Dr.Thanatos was single-handedly responsible for aiding thousands of mothers not only to neglect but execute their children…THAT was the monster I was supposed to honor if I wanted to be that well-watered garden?

  Not. Going. To. Happen.

  Ever.

  I was so disturbed by what I could not shake was God’s impossible directive that I avoided mentioning it to anyone. Not Timothy. Not Talia. I was afraid they might tell me that if God was speaking to me and I was thinking He was, did I really want to ignore Him?

  So in case it isn’t obvious, I guess I had slid into a belief of sorts. I was certain God was speaking to me, so logically, I had to admit I figured He was real. That was as far as my thoughts about Him went. I didn’t know what else I believed, but I did believe He was out there and He had decided to encounter me.

  I managed to avoid thinking too strenuously about it once I was at work. Almost as soon as I settled at my desk, the floodgates of chaos surged open. There had been a fire at the local Humane Society and workers were pouring in with at least six burn victims. The poor creatures were in pretty bad shape, but Dr. Harried and Dr. Harris both worked the entire day trying to save them. Brendan and I were both busy with the other clients who showed up, and with rescheduling the ones who had later appointments.

  We all missed a lunch break.

  I didn’t mind. Every single one of the dogs pulled through, at least for that day. There were stragglers too. Not just the six who were the worst cases. All day, new dogs showed up with varying degrees of burns, smoke inhalation, or some after effect.

  We all collapsed at the front desk as the last dogs were patched up, crated, fed, medicated, and now mostly sleeping.

  “Do you still want to become a vet?” Dr. Harried asked me wearily.

  Oh. I hadn’t had time to mention that I intended to turn Dr. Thanatos down on his offer. So I just smiled and decided to postpone the discussion for another time. I was pooped. I had helped hold dogs, clean supplies, and do more than my share of checking in, weighing, and cleaning up after the deluge of dogs. I ached all over.

  On the walk home, the brisk air felt good on my achy muscles. My phone buzzed with an incoming call, jarring me out of my tired sleep-walk.

  “Ruth? This is Lakisha.”

  Lakisha? The abortion pill reversal girl! I could not remember giving her my phone number.

  “Talia told me it was okay to call you,” she said. “I wanted to tell you thank you.”

  “I didn’t do anything,” I said.

  “Yes. You stood up to my no good boyfriend. Ex- boyfriend. You made me think about what a fool I was…and what a jerk he was. Is. You and your dog.”

  I didn’t respond. I was floored.

  “I hope you don’t mind me calling. Talia said she thought you would want to know you helped me. A lot. I don’t think I would have gone to the Pregnancy center if you hadn’t showed up when you did. It was like God knew just what I needed and He sent you.”

  “Wow. Well…I am glad I was there then. How is the baby?”

  “They found a heart beat. I go back in a week to have them recheck. They told me if the baby’s still got a strong heart beat they will be very hopeful. I gotta admit though, I am a mess. I don’t know how I can stand waiting a week. What if the baby is dead? All for that useless piece of crap I was with. I don’t know how I could ever forgive myself.”

  Join the club, was the only thing that came to mind. I kept that to myself.

  “Maybe you could talk to Talia about that,” I said instead. “She helped me a lot in thinking about forgiveness.”

  “Did you have an abortion?”

  “A few. But it was even worse than that. I worked there. I helped kill babies. I wish I could take it all back, but …”

  “So you totally get it!” Lakisha said. “I can’t take it back. All I can do is wait.”

  “Well, you have a second chance,” I said. “Maybe it will all turn out all right for you.”

  “I don’t feel like I deserve it.”

  “No, I understand. Neither do I. But for some reason, as soon as I left that work, it seemed like everything in my life started to change. To get better. I would have expected to be punished for all that I did. But instead, Talia always tells me God showed me grace and mercy.”

  I did feel like a bit of a fraud mentioning God, but so far, I was being very careful with my words. I was not saying I believed it was God who had turned my life around, but that Talia thought that was the case. However, I could tell that Lakisha needed some encouragement. Since she had been the one to mention God, it seemed like the best source of comfort whether I believed it or not.

  “I will be honest with you,” Lakisha said, “Until a couple of days ago, I didn’t give God much thought. I mean I thought He was real, and I said I believed, but I guess I wasn’t really following what He was telling me to do. Talia helped me understand that.”

  I am sure she did!

  “But I don’t know that I have it in me to follow God’s way. I have messed up pretty bad,” she continued.

  “I am totally with you on that,” I said. “I don’t understand why God would bother with me. Talia tells me in His eyes, I am worth it.”

  I was choosing my words carefully. I didn’t want to lie or be a hypocrite, but I also believed that Lakisha’s baby’s life might hang on what I had to say.

  “In fact, Talia always says all humans are worth it, in God’s eyes. You, me, the unborn babies. She says if God loves us, and the Bible claims He does, when did He start loving us?”

  “That’s a good question,” Lakisha said. “Maybe when I start obeying Him?”

  “I don’t know,” I said. “If Jesus died for our sins before we even knew we were sinners, it sounds like He loved us before that. Talia knows more about this than me.”

  Lakisha was silent as we mutually contemplated when God started loving us.

  “I will think on that,” she said. “I didn’t really have the best life. If God loved me, I am not sure why He let me be beat up by my ex. He actually punched me so hard in my gut that I hemorrhaged, lost a baby. If God loves me and that baby, why did He allow that?”

  I don’t know. And if He loves me so much, why is He having me field these impossible questions when I am not even fully convinced He exists?

  “I think Talia might be a better one to answer that,” I hedged.

  “She told me that when we choose to ignore God, it makes sense that we would land in a heap of trouble. I shouldn’t have been with him without being married in the first place. Least that’s what Talia said. Not that what he did was justified…or right. But she said when we disobey God, it opens the door for all kinds of terrible things to happen.”

  “I guess I would have to agree with that,” I said. But in actuality, I didn’t think I was walking away from God when Uncle Billy decided to work his evil on me. Not yet anyway. Not that I paid God any attention before that. I decided it would be best to keep that thought to myself for now.

  “Well, I just wanted you to know that you and your dog helped me. Thanks again.”

  “You’re welcome,” I said. “Let me know how the next appointment goes. I hope your baby will be okay.”

  “Yeah. Me too. I will.”

  As I ended the call, I admit I felt pretty good. Not that I had really done all that much, but I had done something that ended up helping to save a life. It felt a lot better than what I had done for all those years in the abortion center.

  Maybe God was giving me a second chance too.

  And that thought got me thinking about Dr. Thanatos. Maybe I should reconsider his offer. Maybe thi
s was the second chance God was offering him. Before I chickened out, I called Marcus Zeller at the bank. When he answered, I told him I had misplaced the papers, but I wanted to look them over again. He said I could drop by and get a new copy tomorrow.

  Having made these important decisions, I cuddled with a pillow and started to let my tired eyes drift closed. Bo was not having any of that. She hopped onto my lap and said, “Whut ooooo wwwwwwooooing?”

  “Sleeping.”

  “Wwwwwwuuup.”

  She pawed at my arms encircling the pillow. She was a persistent dog. I groaned and tossed the pillow aside. She had not had a walk all day, it was true. When I moved towards the door, she erupted in a ballistic ball of joy. She circled me, barking like a regular dog, so overcome with happiness that I guess she forgot how to talk.