by H. L. Logan
And now I actually had a lunch date with a potential new friend. Or maybe Brianne was doing it just to humor me—that was way more likely. Who’d want to be friends with someone who started off spilling coffee on them?
I was shaking slightly as I walked away, and I turned back just once, but I didn’t see Brianne. I had to collect myself again and figure out where I’d been intending to go. I’d been trying to leave campus and go back to my house, and now I really wanted to because I wanted to change my shirt. Most of the coffee had fallen on Brianne, but there was some on myself too, making my shirt sleeve uncomfortably stiff and sticky.
I sighed and made my way back to my house. I was done with classes for the day, thankfully, and I just had some homework to do. Tomorrow would be busier, as I had a meeting for the Environmental Action Coalition. I’d joined it with the hope of making new friends, but that hadn’t panned out. I’d found that most of the people who were heavily involved in the club were already friends with each other and didn’t need any new ones. They were friendly enough, but they didn’t seem to want to socialize with anyone new. And they invited me to their parties, but I’d gone once and felt too awkward when I realized I didn’t know anyone there.
It had been a bust. But that was the way my life was turning out lately. The only thing going decently well for me was the fact that I was doing well in my classes, though I wasn’t even sure I was passionate about my major, Biology. I’d had dreams of becoming a wildlife biologist, but it seemed so far away right now.
I turned onto my street, entering the cluster of student housing. There were a number of small houses here that could be cheaply rented, as well as small apartment buildings, and the proximity to campus and the somewhat rundown quality of the neighborhood meant it was only students who lived here. I should have been able to make friends with my neighbors—I’d hoped I could, anyway—but they’d turned out to be girls that partied hard 24/7. They’d invited me to a couple of hang outs, but the emphasis on drinking and flirting with passing frat boys made me uncomfortable.
Boys. That was another area of my life where I was floundering. I’d thought I could meet a nice guy here… And there were many who seemed cool and cute, but I couldn’t bring myself to ask any of them out. If no one wanted me as a friend, then how in the world would anyone want me as a partner?
I opened the door and found my roommate, Cass, sitting on the couch. Cass was the closest thing I had to a friend, even though we didn’t actually hang out all that much. She had her own friends.
“Hey,” I said, sitting down on the couch across from her.
She looked up from her laptop and raised an eyebrow. “Bad day, huh?” she asked.
“How did you know?”
“The stain on your sleeve,” she said. “Looks like you spilled something.”
I leaned back against the couch and groaned, remembering the stupid lunch I’d asked Brianne to. And it was happening tomorrow! How was I going to survive that?
“I bumped into this girl and her coffee went everywhere,” I said, shrugging. I wasn’t really in the mood to explain further about the lunch date. Cass had early on taken an interest in improving my social life, but she’d given up when she’d seen how unsuccessful I was.
“Wow. That sucks,” she said, turning back down to her laptop. “Marnie’s coming over tonight, by the way.”
“Word,” I said. Marnie was here every night, it seemed. I wondered if she and Cass were dating, given the number of sleepovers.
I picked up my stuff and went up to my room. The space seemed a little dark because I hadn’t pulled the blinds open, but when I did, the light barely filtered in. It was a small room, and I was paying for it proportionally, but it made me feel even more pathetic, somehow. Like I was a hermit, holing myself up in this room.
But maybe, I thought, Brianne could become a new friend. Just maybe. She seemed way too cool for me, but something had made her say yes when I’d asked her to lunch. I didn’t know what something was, but I intended to milk it for all it was worth.
BRIANNE
I had no idea what to expect from this lunch. I slightly regretted agreeing to it, partially because I had way too much to do, still, and actually spending time talking to Margie was going to cut into the time I had to do it.
Truth be told, the main reason I’d said yes was that Margie intrigued me somehow. She was cute, for one thing. Objectively adorable. Sandy blonde hair contrasted with a moody, aloof expression. She was cute when she was nervous, too. I couldn’t really get a good idea of whether or not she was into women, but I was hoping I’d find out soon.
And if she wasn’t a potential romantic interest? I wasn’t sure I had the time for more friends, considering I barely had time for the ones I already had, but if she turned out to be cool, maybe she’d fit in with my social circle.
I was a little nervous as I walked down to the strip. There was a small courtyard with benches at one end which was used as the common meeting place, and as I’d expected, I found her sitting there. She stood up and smiled tentatively as I approached, and I smiled back and remembered why I was so nervous.
Margie was ridiculously cute.
She looked away bashfully when I came near, and then she looked up at me again with sparkling brown eyes, so deep that they drew me in. And she was dressed smartly too, in a nice blouse and dark jeans.
“Hey,” I said. “How are you doing?”
“All right,” she said, shrugging. She picked her backpack up and stood. “Was there anywhere in particular you wanted to go?”
“I’ve been to all these places like, a dozen times,” I said. “It’s up to you.”
Margie’s eyes lit up briefly, but she veiled them again, putting on this façade of aloofness I couldn’t quite figure out. “I’m partial to the Thai place… I keep walking past it but I’ve never had a chance to go in.”
“Great, Thai it is, then,” I said, wondering just how much I was going to learn about Margie during this lunch.
The weird thing was that it was kind of like a date. There was a date-like vibe to the whole thing, and I couldn’t put my finger on why, exactly. Maybe Margie really was gay. At the very least, I should do some probing to try and figure it out. I didn’t want to pass up the opportunity, because she was just too good-looking.
We walked into the restaurant and got a table. It wasn’t one of the really fancy Thai places, with art on the walls and carved wood tables, though there was a brass sculpture of Buddha near the entrance. This place was primarily targeted toward students, and I saw tons of backpacks everywhere, though no one I knew.
After taking our order, the waitress—another student—disappeared and left us alone to have a conversation.
“So, Margie,” I started. “What’s your deal? What do you do here at Beasley?”
This was bringing back vague memories of freshman year, when I’d had to meet dozens of new people in the space of a month. I didn’t like leading with the question “what’s your major” because it seemed too reductive, and it didn’t normally lead to interesting discussions. People usually ended up mentioning it anyway.
“So… I transferred here from Amherst,” she started, “and this is my first year here.”
That made a lot of sense. It explained why she seemed a little isolated, even though she clearly wasn’t a freshman.
“And how are you liking it?” I asked. “Do you think you made the right choice in transferring?”
Every transfer student I’d met had thought they’d made the right decision, but Margie looked pained when I asked, and I immediately felt a little guilty. I had no idea what kind of problems she was facing, but she seemed like a potentially very unhappy person.
“I’m not sure,” said Margie. She’d clearly been deciding whether or not to be honest, and I was suddenly glad she’d decided to be honest with me. She could have lied and said it was fine.
“Well, if you want to talk about it, I’m all ears,” I said.
&nb
sp; Margie shrugged. “I mean, it’s not a big deal. Whatever. I thought Amherst was too much of a big party school and that I didn’t fit in well there. But it turns out I don’t fit in well here, either.”
“Well… what kind of person are you? What kind of person do you want to be?” I asked.
I’d thought about that question a lot in high school. I’d imagined myself as a cool college kid who hung out with the artsy crowd, and somehow, I’d made it happen. I hadn’t been cool in high school, but I’d achieved it now. My teenage self would have been pleased.
“I don’t know,” Margie admitted. “I just… I just want to have friends to drink and play games with, a boyfriend, maybe… a major I love, instead of biology, which I don’t know if I even like anymore.”
A boyfriend? Well, that brought all my dreams crashing down. But I’d had such a strong suspicion she was into girls. There was just something about her.
“A boyfriend, huh?” I said, deciding to take a risk. “As cute as you are, I’m surprised no one’s snapped you up already.”
She immediately blushed, which made me smile.
“What? It’s true,” I added. “You’re a good-looking woman and you shouldn’t have any problem.”
“Thanks,” she said. “That’s uh, that’s good to know. I guess I just don’t feel socially confident.”
“You asked me to get lunch. Just find a cool guy and ask him the same thing.” I grinned, even though I was still staving off the disappointment I felt that she was straight.
Unless she was bi… But then I felt like she would’ve mentioned it. The dynamic between us would have been different if she did have some attraction to me, and in any case, now she knew I thought she was cute. If that information meant anything to her, she could use it if she wanted to. And I did so hope she’d want to.
“It’s intimidating,” she said, and she stared down at the table. “And… I don’t know. I feel like I wouldn’t even know what to do in a relationship.”
Well, that was definitely an odd thing to say. Why wouldn’t she know? Surely we’d all been raised on the same diet of Disney movies and rom coms.
“I mean, you could do stuff like, hold hands and kiss,” I said, gently trying to be lighthearted.
Margie looked up at me and laughed, and I was glad I’d temporarily managed to cheer her up. “I guess.”
I wanted to see her smile for some reason. Maybe because she was so cute when she did. “I’m sure you’ll figure it out,” I said. “Maybe you should join a club or something.”
“I’m in the EAC, but they’re very cliquey,” said Margie.
“What are your other interests?”
Margie looked off to the side as she considered. “I do like art.”
“What kind of art?” I asked, my interest piqued.
“Like paintings and stuff, I guess?” said Margie. “I don’t know. I mean, I’ve done some painting myself…”
“Wow! Have you considered taking art classes here?”
“I don’t know if I’d be good enough,” said Margie. “Actually, though, there’s this place I’ve been wanting to check out…”
“Let me guess,” I said. “Shadetree?”
Her eyes lit up. “Yeah! That’s the one. How do you know about it?”
“Some of my friends are artists and they’re involved, so I make it over there for shows and stuff. I considered doing an art minor, but I didn’t have the time,” I said. “But I like to paint too. When I have the free time.”
Margie laughed. “Tell me about it. I think Shadetree’s actually having another show soon,” she said. “I wanted to go, but I don’t have anyone to go with.”
“I’ll go with you!” I surprised even myself with my enthusiasm. Why was I so interested in Margie, even though I now knew she was straight? I wasn’t usually like this. I didn’t become interested in people so quickly.
“Oh, awesome,” she said. “I’m just too shy to go alone, you know?”
“Yeah, it can be intimidating,” I said, even though I honestly didn’t know. I’d never had this problem that Margie had, and I was thankful for it. I’d never had trouble making friends. Romantic partners were harder to come by, but friends? I had many of them and I wasn’t afraid to go places alone.
Not that Margie was afraid, necessarily. Maybe she just found it overwhelming. I could tell there was so much more under the surface, but I was only getting it in glimpses.
Maybe that was what intrigued me about her—I could tell that there was something restrained about her, and it made me want to probe further. I wanted to set that restrained part of her free.
Maybe going to Shadetree would be the first step.
“You should do a minor in art, at least,” I said. “You can start with the intro classes if you’re not confident in your skills.”
“Maybe,” she said, smiling. “I’ll see how going to Shadetree works out for me first. Tell me, what’s it like?”
“It’s awesome,” I said. “It’s pretty new, but I guess it filled a niche the community needed or something, because it’s hopping all the time. These two women turned an old warehouse into the gallery space, and there are even studio spaces they rent out for artists. I think there were talks of selling art supplies, too.”
“The student bookstore doesn’t have much stuff,” said Margie. “We kind of need a place like that.”
“Yeah. I don’t want to have to order all my supplies online, you know? Rosebridge is big enough to have a proper art store,” I said.
“So… What else do you do?” asked Margie. “What keeps you so busy?”
There was something coy about the way she asked the question. It really felt like we were on a date. A date date, not a friend date. I couldn’t ignore my intuition telling me that there was something about her… But then, I didn’t want to ignore the fact that she clearly implied she wasn’t into women.
I decided to do a little more poking.
“I sometimes hang out at the Spectrum Coalition,” I said.
“What’s that?”
“Basically the LGBTQ club. It’s a nice place for the queer kids to hang out. We have events and mixers, so it could be a good place to meet people, though you didn’t say…” I trailed off.
She shrugged. “I’ve just never been into women that way,” she said.
I nodded. So she was doubling down. Okay. Maybe it really was something else then.
“I also am involved with a small street performance group,” I said. “Between that and my music classes, I’m pretty much playing the violin all the time.”
“That’s so cool that you can play an instrument,” she said, eyes shining.
“It’s fun,” I said, agreeing. “And I love that it’s a creative outlet. If I was only doing schoolwork all the time, I’d go crazy. As it is, I’m sad that I can’t paint.”
Margie nodded, and there was a pause as we finished up the last of our food. “Well… I’ll think about what you’ve told me. I mean, if we can be friendly, I can make other friends too, right?”
“Right.” I smiled. “I’ll see if my friends want to come to the Shadetree thing and I’ll let you know.”
“Perfect. Thanks, Brianne.”
“No, thank you,” I said. “If you hadn’t bothered to asked me to lunch, we wouldn’t have had this lovely outing.”
We stood up and gathered our things, and I tried to remember where I was supposed to be going next.
“I’m back on campus,” she said, “so I guess I’ll see you around.”
“Yeah. See you, Margie!”
After we parted ways, my brain was swirling with thoughts. Margie was a quiet, shy person, but as I well knew, those types of people tended to have a lot going on inside. And I wanted to figure her out.
MARGIE
I couldn’t believe that lunch had gone as well as it had. In fact, I was still marveling at it when I got ready for my outing to Shadetree.
Brianne had actually wanted to hang out with me a
nd she wanted me to meet her friends. Something about that made me feel special, like I was worthy. It wasn’t just that she wanted to spend time with me, she wanted others to spend time with me too.
I couldn’t remember the last time I thought I’d made a friend. Well, freshman year, I supposed. But that had fizzled out quickly.
Brianne had said some things I’d found intriguing. For one, she’d mentioned the Spectrum Coalition. I had no idea why I couldn’t stop thinking about the possibility of attending a meeting. I was pretty solidly a straight, cis woman. Not LGBT in any way I could think of.
So if that was who I was, why couldn’t I stop thinking about attending a Spectrum meeting?
Maybe it was because she’d said it was a great way to meet people. It sounded primarily like a social club, though I’d checked their Facebook page and they did fundraisers and other activities as well. But I got a good vibe from the people in the photos—smiling, friendly, good-looking. It all seemed too good to be true.
But I didn’t like the idea of showing up when I wasn’t LGBT myself. It seemed wrong somehow, even if Brianne had invited me. Then again, maybe she’d invited me because she thought I was gay. I’d mentioned I was looking for a boyfriend, though, so that couldn’t be it.
The whole thing was confusing. Maybe I could set aside Spectrum for when I felt more confident. I just had to make sure I looked cool enough for this Shadetree thing first.
I certainly didn’t feel very cool. There wasn’t much that was interesting in my wardrobe. I ended up picking black jeans and a blue plaid shirt—boring, but at least I would marginally look like I fit in among the artsy kids. There was nothing to be done about my preppy haircut, though.
I really didn’t want to screw this up. I had the distinct conviction that it was a turning point of sorts. If I managed to actually build a friendship with Brianne or get in with her other friends, my entire Beasley experience would change. My entire life would change, even.