by H. L. Logan
I was trying not to hang too much on it, but it was difficult. I’d been painfully lonely for so long, and it was hard when I was reminded of how lonely I was all the damn time. To think that my years of loneliness could be over was exhilarating.
Satisfied with my appearance, I grabbed my purse, then hopped on my bike and headed to Shadetree. It wasn’t particularly close to anything else, but it wasn’t hard to get to, and as I approached the building, I could see that it was already busy.
I locked my bike and realized I wasn’t going to find Brianne easily. I texted her to let her know I was here, then took a deep breath and walked into the building.
I recognized some faces of students and professors from campus, but there were plenty of other people who looked like they were from the town. There was art everywhere, of course, and it was amazing. I saw that there was food and drink for sale, so I bought a cheap glass of wine and kept my eyes peeled for Brianne.
As soon as I spotted her, I froze up. God, she just looked so cool and beautiful, even, with her loose blazer over a floral dress. I was completely deluded to think that she’d want to hang out with me. But she wasn’t with anyone else, so I walked up to her.
“Hey!” she said, her sour expression melting into a more friendly one.
“Hey,” I said, holding up my wine. “I got a drink. You want one?”
“Nah, I’m good,” she said. “Let’s look at some art.”
We walked around the perimeter of the gallery, where a series of oil paintings were hung on the wall. I liked the abstract style, though it wasn’t something I would have done myself. It was nice to see that there were working artists here in Rosebridge.
“Brianne? Is that you?”
We turned to see a professor beaming at Brianne. She grinned when she saw me, too, even though I’d never before seen her in my life.
“Professor Barley! This is my friend Margie,” said Brianne smoothly, and the professor shook hands with me. “Professor Barley is the sponsor of the Spectrum Coalition. She also helps run this gallery.”
“Nice to meet you,” I said politely. Again, I couldn’t help but remember the part of me that yearned to attend a meeting… for no discernible purpose.
“Maybe we’ll see you around some time,” said Professor Barley, who seemed a little out of breath. If she was in charge of this huge event, I didn’t blame her.
“Sure,” I said noncommittally.
“I actually wanted to ask you, Brianne… I saw you hanging out with that street performer the other day. She seems to be popular with the students, yes?” asked Professor Barley.
“Oh, sure. People love hanging out around her,” said Brianne. “I’ve actually been playing with her a little too.”
Professor Barley’s eyebrows rose. “Really! Well, then, we must have you play at our next gallery show. It’s a paid gig, of course.”
“That would be great, Professor Barley. When is it?”
“Next month? We try to have some event like this every month, you know.”
“It’s just that… we don’t have a band name or anything. I mean, we’re not a formal band. We just play and improvise on the street,” said Brianne, doubt entering her voice.
Professor Barley waved her hand. “Oh, that’s not a problem at all. The weather will be nicer so there’ll be more outdoor activities and art. We were hoping to have you on the terrace.”
“That’d be perfect,” said Brianne, grinning.
“Great! I must be off,” said Professor Barley. “Nice to meet you, Margie.”
I waved as she left, surprised that she’d even remembered my name. She seemed like a really nice person. And Brianne did too, which had been surprising. It just showed that you couldn’t judge a book by its cover.
“I think I do want a drink,” said Brianne. “If we’re going to be here a while.”
We stood in the line and waited. “Are your other friends coming?” I asked.
“Maybe,” said Brianne doubtfully, looking down at her phone. “They usually come to every single one of these things, but they all seem to have midterms they’re concerned with.”
“It’s Friday!” I said, gesturing. “They can study tomorrow.”
Brianne smiled. “Exactly what I said.”
A funny feeling went through me when she smiled at me. She had a good face, I decided. Strong cheekbones and jaw, dove gray eyes, and a quirk in her smile. She’d be a good subject for a portrait.
For some reason, I blushed when I looked away, and I stayed turned around so she wouldn’t see.
She got her wine and we wandered off to look at more art. There was a sculpture display in the center of the room, and apparently, the studios were open so we could meet artists and watch them work.
“I like this one,” said Brianne, stopping in front of one of the sculptures, which appeared to be of a raccoon sitting on top of a deer skull. It looked like it was made of clay and was painted with rich earth tones.
“It’s beautiful,” I agreed.
Brianne bent over to look at the price tag. “Two thousand dollars!” she said in a low voice. “And it sold. There’s a marking on the tag.”
“Damn. Nice work if you can get it, huh?”
“It’d be awesome to be a working artist or musician. Instead of a marketing executive, or whatever else my parents think I should do,” said Brianne, scoffing.
“Your parents want you to do marketing?”
“If becoming a professional classical musician doesn’t pan out. But I don’t think I’m good enough for that. Marketing it is,” she said.
“I’m sure there’s lots of other things you could do,” I said.
“There are, but my parents will be huffy about it. Which is fine, because it’s my life, but… It’s just annoying, you know?”
I didn’t know, to be honest. My mother was just glad I’d managed to go to college at all. She’d done some community college classes, but that was it. And my dad… I didn’t even know. My family had been amazed when I’d gotten into Amherst, and then completely over the moon when I’d gotten into Beasley.
“They’re just worried about your future, I guess,” I offered, even though I really didn’t know what else to say.
Brianne laughed harshly. “I think they’re more worried about the family being prestigious. But whatever, I already am getting the Beasley degree. What’s your major, again?”
“Biology,” I said. “But I don’t know what I want to do with it. I went into it because I liked animals, but I’m going to have to do graduate school if I really want to work with animals. And now I’m not so sure I want to commit to it.”
“It’s hard. No one knows what they want to do,” said Brianne. “I think they just stumble onto it.”
“True.”
There was a silence as we walked around more of the sculptures. Many of them appeared to have sold. Maybe I should get back into painting, I thought. Maybe I could become a working artist.
“Why can’t you become a working musician?” I asked. “If that street performance friend of yours can do it…”
“She is doing it, but very precariously,” said Brianne. “Between the busking and the music lessons she wants to do, she’ll be fine. But she can’t busk in the cold. She’ll have to have good savings and think of other ways to make money. That kind of financial insecurity is not for me.”
“Fair enough,” I said. “These artists probably are in the same boat, though.”
“Probably,” said Brianne. She sighed. “I don’t know. There’s pros and cons with everything. Nothing is ever perfect.”
“No. That’s life, I suppose.”
“That guy is totally into you, by the way,” said Brianne. “He’s been checking you out for five minutes.”
That jerked me out of my deep thoughts. “What? Where?”
“Okay, don’t be obvious about it, but he’s looking at the raccoon sculpture, and he’s wearing a red sweater.”
I subtly tried to get a
glance at him, but instead ended up making eye contact. He smiled at me. He actually was super cute, but I didn’t want to do anything. I was happy where I was with Brianne. The thought of going up and talking to that guy seemed completely unappealing.
“He’s cute,” I said.
“So go for it. Ask him to lunch, or whatever it is you do.” Brianne smirked.
“Nah.” I shook my head and started walking further away. “I just… I just don’t feel like it.”
Brianne shrugged. “I thought you wanted to meet guys. Or maybe you want to meet girls instead?”
I opened my mouth to say something, but hesitated. “N-no. I don’t want to meet girls.”
Brianne seemed completely blasé, but there was a glint in her eyes. “I’m sure you’ll find someone.”
“Y-yeah, I will,” I said, wanting to get off the topic of my life. It was nice of Brianne to have pointed out that guy to me, but… why did I not want to strike when I had the opportunity?
“I’m sorry my friends didn’t come out,” said Brianne smoothly. “We hang out at the King’s Tooth pretty often, though, so I can just text you next time we’re meeting up. You can come get a drink with us.”
“That’d be awesome,” I said, thankful not only for the invitation but the change of topic.
Brianne just smiled at me.
BRIANNE
T here were some picnic tables near the spot Kaitlyn liked to play, and my friend group had recently taken over one of them. We sat here for lunch every day that it was nice outside.
Today was one of those days, and Kaitlyn had a lot of passers-by giving her money. I’d have offered to play with her, but I’d just had an exam that morning.
Emily, Kaitlyn’s girlfriend, sat next to me. “She’s just so good, isn’t she,” she said.
Tracy laughed out loud. “You’re so lovesick! It’s too cute.”
“Yeah, Emily, I’ve never seen you like this before. It’s super cute. A good change of pace,” said Miriam.
Emily scowled at them, but her expression quickly dissolved into a smile. “Yeah, I feel pretty sappy sometimes. It’s nice.”
“Hey! Mind if I have a seat here?”
I turned to see Margie standing in front of me with a tentative smile. As soon as we all figured out what was happening, people started scooting over to make room for her. She sat down across from me.
“This is Margie, guys,” I said. “New friend of mine. She, unlike all of you, made it out to the Shadetree show.”
Now that I knew Margie was a nervous kind of person, I could tell when she was nervous. And right now, she was deeply uneasy, but she’d been brave enough to ask to sit here anyway. I was proud of her.
“Nice to meet you,” said Tracy sweetly.
She, Emily, and Kaitlyn were pretty nice, but I wasn’t so sure about how the others would treat her. They could be… prickly—as I’d proven when I’d first met Kaitlyn. They weren’t the kind of people I’d choose to introduce Margie to, considering she was shy about social interaction and didn’t have the skills to deflect their barbs.
But she was here now, so we were going to see how it went.
“So how do you know each other?” asked Tracy.
“It’s kind of a funny stor—” I started, but Margie cut me off.
“We met randomly after class,” she said curtly, with a smile. “I thought Brianne seemed cool and wanted to be friends with her.”
Okay, so she didn’t want everyone to know about the coffee blunder. I thought it was a great story, but given her social anxiety, it was understandable.
“Didn’t realize you were one to randomly make friends like that, Brianne,” said Miriam.
“Me neither,” I said cheerfully, “but I’m glad we became friends.”
“So what do you study?” asked Tracy.
“Biology.”
“No wonder we haven’t seen you around,” said Tracy. “All humanities majors here, except Emily, who’s doing engineering.”
“Yeah, I don’t think I’ve seen any of you guys around,” said Margie. “I actually did my first two undergrad years at Amherst and transferred this year.”
She was doing well so far. I was even more proud of her. Maybe befriending me had been the push she needed to get out of her comfort zone and actually interact with people. I found myself rooting for her. She was sweet, and deserved to succeed at this.
“Oh, nice,” said Tracy. “So how do you like Beasley?”
“It’s nice,” said Margie tightly. “I’ve had a bit of slow start socially, but things are getting better. I love my classes.”
“You in any clubs?” asked Miriam with a skeptical look. Knowing her, she wasn’t going to be that nice to Margie. She could be a bit of a snob.
“The EAC,” said Margie. “I like animals and nature and stuff, you know.”
“The EAC isn’t as good as the EAN,” said Miriam.
“What’s the EAN?”
“Earth Action Network. It split off from EAC last year and now it does a lot more work in the community. If you want to really be part of an effective group, you wouldn’t be wasting your time with EAC,” said Miriam.
“Be nice,” said Tracy, shoving her gently.
“What? I mean, it’s true.”
Margie shrugged. “I like the people in EAC.”
“Well, EAN also throws better parties, so there’s that…” continued Miriam.
“Forget the nature stuff,” said Siobhan, who was sitting at the other end of the table. “Spectrum is where it’s at.”
“Oh, uh, I’m not gay or anything,” said Margie shyly.
“You sure about that?” asked Siobhan with a smirk.
I rolled my eyes. Siobhan was one of those people that was convinced that everyone was a little gay (or bi, if you wanted to get technical) and was just in denial. I had no idea why she would think this way—probably because she was surrounded by queer people most of the time—but I found it obnoxious.
“I’m pretty sure,” said Margie, irritated. I was glad she was standing up for herself.
“Well, if you ever change your m—”
“Oh, shut up, Siobhan,” said Tracy lightly but firmly.
“This is what happens when you bring home a stray, Brianne,” said Miriam with a laugh.
Margie had gone quiet, though her cheeks had some color on them.
“Don’t be assholes, guys. Margie, forget them,” I said, unsure what else to say. I would have to apologize to her next time we saw each other, maybe even over a text message. I didn’t want her to think I was okay with their behavior.
This made me realize that Emily had probably had to apologize for my behavior when she’d introduced Kaitlyn. The thought made me feel like shit, but it was probably a good thing. I really had to get my head out of my ass and not be such a bitch.
“Well, I’ve gotta get to my next class,” said Siobhan, grabbing her backpack and standing up. “See you guys.”
“Me too,” said Emily. She waved Kaitlyn over, and the two kissed a goodbye. I looked away from their coupley moment, but not before my heart twinged with jealousy. I really missed being in a relationship.
I saw Margie quietly gather her things and then stand up. I thought for a moment that she would say goodbye to the group, but it looked like she wasn’t planning to. She hesitated before turning around and leaving.
I knew I had to follow her. I left all my stuff where it was and trotted after her, catching up.
“Hey,” I said, putting a hand on her shoulder to stop her. “I’m sorry my friends sucked.”
Margie turned to face me. “I should have figured, though. I should have known I wasn’t cool enough for your friends. How could I be?”
“Margie, you are cool. You’re interesting already, and I’ve only hung out with you a couple times. And coolness isn’t everything. Being nice matters too, and you’re much nicer than them,” I said.
How was I so invested in this girl I hadn’t known until a week ago
? This was a little ridiculous. But now that I was invested, I couldn’t let go. I wanted Margie to be happy. Her situation was pretty sad, and she didn’t deserve to be so lonely.
“But it doesn’t matter if they won’t even give me a chance,” said Margie, now despondent rather than angry. “How am I going to make friends if I can’t get past the first step?”
“Find people who don’t care about that first step,” I said.
“No,” said Margie. “I can’t do it. It’s too much. I should have just figured this all out in high school, but I didn’t. I have to go to class, anyway. See you later, Brianne.”
She didn’t wait for me to answer; she just turned and started walking. I thought about calling after her again, but it was getting close to the top of the hour, and I didn’t want to be late for my next class.
I was going to have to do something about this. There was no way I was letting Margie think she wasn’t good enough for me. I really had enjoyed hanging out with her—she was so refreshingly down to earth compared to Siobhan and Miriam and some of the other folks in our circle. They weren’t bad people, but you had to put up a façade when talking to them.
It wasn’t like that with Margie. I felt like I could actually be myself with her. She wouldn’t have cared if I wasn’t wearing cool clothes or didn’t have cool friends. She was just looking for a genuine human connection. And that was much more valuable than social status.
I walked to my next class feeling a little guilty. Of course, Siobhan and Miriam’s behavior wasn’t my fault, but I still felt responsible. It made me not want to hang out with them anymore. Siobhan hadn’t been my favorite to begin with—I found her a little obnoxious in other ways, too—but I could probably talk to Miriam and tell her to be nicer.
I just wanted to make this work. And maybe, just maybe, I was hoping I did have a chance with Margie.
As I sat down in the chair in the lecture hall, I thought back to my previous relationship. She’d been someone a little like Margie—someone I felt like I wanted to protect. Maybe I was a “fixer.” Maybe I kept wanting people whose lives I could somehow fix.