by H. L. Logan
Margie knit her eyebrows together. “You want me to talk to him?”
“Yeah. His name’s Max and he’s really sweet. You should go for it,” I prodded.
“I don’t know…” Margie continued to watch Max as he chatted with his friend. “I just don’t feel like it.”
“You don’t feel like it?” I asked.
“I, uh, I’m just now getting used to the whole idea of having friends,” she said nervously, “and I don’t know if I want to add the stress of a guy to that.”
“Ah.” Well, so much for that plan. I was going to have to ride this crush out, it seemed.
“I also… I don’t know if I’m even that interested in guys… right now, that is…” She trailed off.
“Sorry, what?”
I was sure I hadn’t heard her correctly.
“Oh, um, yeah, I’m just not interested in dating right now,” she said more firmly.
“Uh, okay,” I said. It sounded like she said she wasn’t sure if she was interested in guys.
There was a pause while we were both silent, Margie watching Max pensively.
Margie sighed and looked up at me with a worried expression. “Brianne… how did you know you liked girls?”
I blinked at her. “Uh, liked girls?”
“Yeah, like, how did you figure out you were a lesbian?” she asked, her eyes more intense than I’d ever seen them.
“Let’s move somewhere quieter,” I said, leading her out of the noisy, crowded living room and into the backyard.
A couple people were quietly talking and smoking out here, so it was easy to find a place to sit and chat. There was a patio table with some chairs. The table was filthy and covered in beer bottles and empty cigarette packets and butts, but it would do.
“How did I figure out I was a lesbian,” I repeated, better able to think in the clear night air. “Um… I guess, when other girls got interested in guys, I realized I didn’t feel the same way. All the feelings they described, I felt towards girls. It took a lot of self-examination, but it became pretty clear to me early on. I guess I was lucky that my parents were progressive in that regard, so I knew about gay people from a young age. I knew it was an option.”
Margie was silent, like she was thinking over what I’d said. “You didn’t have to like, experiment or anything?”
“Nah,” I said. “I mean, once I discovered the wide world of internet smut, that made things easier…”
She chuckled, but it was a nervous laugh.
“You asking for a friend, or…?” I cocked my eyebrow.
“Um… myself,” she said. “All that’s happened recently has just made me think of it. I mean, I do find myself attracted to guys… kind of. And I think girls are good-looking. But I haven’t wanted to be sexual with many people.”
I wasn’t sure why she was opening up to me so much, but then I noticed that her beer was empty. And she seemed a little less inhibited than usual. She must have had a really low tolerance.
“Maybe you’re asexual,” I said.
“But I do want to have sex, and I like it just fine when I have it,” she said.
She’d clearly been thinking about this quite a bit, especially if she’d already considered that possibility. “There’s a place in between asexual and not asexual too,” I said. “But it’s okay to not know. Sometimes experimenting isn’t a bad way to figure it all out.”
“Yeah, that’s what someone else told me,” said Margie, sighing yet again. “I don’t want to just use someone as an experiment, though. And there’s no one I’d want to experiment with except…”
She trailed off and let out an even bigger sigh.
I reached out and put a hand on her shoulder, enjoying the warmth of her body a little more than I should have. “It takes time to figure these things out. Go easy on yourself.”
“It’s just hard when I have confusing feelings for you,” she said, and immediately blushed.
“Me?”
“Yeah, you,” she said. “I mean, you’re the one girl who’s ever caught my attention. And I just think you’re cool… probably too cool for me.”
“I’m not too cool for you,” I said gently. “No one’s too cool for you. It’s just not possible. And if it seems like they are… then they’re probably just pretentious asses.”
“I guess.” Margie didn’t seem convinced. “I mean, it’s not like I want to date you. I mean, maybe. I don’t know what I want.”
“Well, you’re not using someone as an experiment if they know what your deal is,” I said. “I mean, you have to start somewhere. And a cute girl like you is welcome to experiment on me anytime.”
I grinned after I said that, but I really didn’t want to be treated as an experiment. I just liked Margie too much, and I knew what I wanted from her. I just wasn’t sure if I would be able to get it.
“Really? I can like, kiss you or something?” She looked uncertain, as if I’d revoke what I said any second.
“Yeah, really.” I really wanted to feel her lips on mine right now, but I didn’t want to push her too hard. She was probably the kind of person who was easily spooked. And I didn’t want to pressure someone who was questioning.
“Okay.” A determined set came over her face, and she leaned forward.
I leaned forward too, and our lips met.
Her lips were soft and warm, and parted easily, like she wanted more already. I put my hands on her arms, feeling her soft skin, knowing that I wanted more. But I was going to let her lead this and take it at her own pace.
Margie put a hand on my chin, and her tongue flicked out, experimentally licking my lips and toying with them. After that, she pulled away, blinking at me, cheeks flushed.
“So, how was that?” I asked, trying to appear blasé but having a hard time containing my emotions.
“That was good,” she said. “Um, I definitely like you, Brianne. I just… I just don’t know if I can handle this right now, because my self-esteem is garbage and all.”
“Whatever ‘this’ is, it doesn’t have to be done in a rush,” I said, even though I feared, deep down, that falling for someone who was unsure was going to be bad for me. I didn’t want my heart broken if she changed her mind.
“Good,” said Margie, and she smiled.
And when she smiled, my whole heart lit up like the full moon above us.
MARGIE
“Want to go back inside?” I asked.
The kiss had been wonderful, but it was too much for me right now. I needed to process my feelings minus the fuzziness in my brain before I did anything else. I wanted to go back to the crowd and remember where I was, instead of sit in the lonely backyard with Brianne. As much as I enjoyed it, it was also making me anxious.
“Sure,” said Brianne, standing up. She reached out her hand with a gentle smile, and I took it and stood up.
When we walked back inside, the party was in full swing. People were clearly a lot drunker than they had been just a half hour ago, and the music had gotten louder and more fast paced. It was pretty crowded inside the house—I would guess there were at least forty people inside, maybe more.
“Damn, I need another drink to keep up with all these people,” said Brianne.
“I can see that,” I said, looking around, though I didn’t really want another drink. The fuzziness in my brain had already led to me kissing Brianne, and I wasn’t sure I wanted to find out what would happen if I had another beer.
I followed Brianne into the kitchen, where she found another beer and Miriam and Siobhan.
“How are you liking the party?” Miriam asked me.
“It’s good,” I said sincerely. Even though I felt a little out of my element, I was enjoying myself. I looked forward to the day I could show up at one of these parties myself, instead of just following Brianne around.
“Looks like it’s really hopping,” said Brianne, peeking into the living room, where most of the dancing seemed to be happening.
“Yeah, I guess sinc
e this week has been so nice, people want to get out,” said Miriam.
Just then, Kaitlyn and another girl who looked like her girlfriend walked into the kitchen, holding hands. Both of them seemed to be a little tipsy, and they were kind of all over each other. It was cute, but I felt a pang of jealousy. I wanted to be secure in an affectionate relationship like that with someone else.
Maybe Brianne and I could get there. But the thought of being like that with her was terrifying. It was something I couldn’t imagine being real at all. It was easier—though unappealing—to imagine being with some guy, like Max.
When we walked back into the house, though, I’d seen Max making out with a girl against the wall of the dining room. It looked like he’d found someone after all.
I tuned out of the conversation as it turned to gossip about people they all knew. I was content to just half-listen to them and half-listen to the music, standing next to v. I hadn’t before noticed how good she smelled—even though the smell of beer pervaded everything, I could catch a whiff of her perfume.
The way someone smelled sure was important. That little whiff made me just the slightest bit more attracted to her.
After a while, though, I got bored of being a wallflower. And I was tired, too, since I didn’t normally stay out and active this late. I could walk back to campus myself, but I wanted to privately say goodbye to Brianne.
I nudged her and she turned to me. “I’m gonna head out soon,” I said. “I’m pretty tired.”
“Okay, let me walk you out,” she said.
There wasn’t anyone on the front lawn, though I could smell the beer and hear the music from here. Crickets chirped in the otherwise quiet neighborhood, though I thought I could hear the sound of parties further down the road.
“This was really great,” I said, “thank you. I had a good time. I’m actually glad I pushed myself to come here.”
“That’s great,” said Brianne sincerely. “I enjoyed seeing you.”
There was a pregnant pause. I wanted to kiss her goodnight, but I didn’t have the guts to do it. Maybe the alcohol had worn off, or maybe I was second guessing myself.
But she did it first. She leaned forward quickly and gave me a brief kiss on the lips, leaving my cheeks warm and flushed. But she was flushed too, and she looked adorable.
“Goodnight, Brianne,” I said, unable to conceal my smile as I walked home.
“Goodnight,” she replied with a grin as she waved.
I heard her open the screen door and close it with a clattering sound, and I continued on the walk back to my place. My mind was clear now, and when I got onto the main road, I could see throngs of students on their way to and from social events.
I felt good that for the first time, I wasn’t looking on them with envy. I was one of them—one of those people who actually had social events to go to. It was almost like I had a place where I belonged. I wasn’t sure that place was with that entire group necessarily, but it was with Brianne.
My head was spinning as I made my way back to my house and I didn’t pay that much attention to my surroundings. My feet carried me to my front door and when I walked inside the house, it was quiet. Marnie and Cass were probably gone still.
I checked my phone. It was an early night, but I still felt satisfied. I could hear people being loud on the streets outside, but for once, I didn’t feel envious.
I closed my window since it was getting chilly and the revelers were disturbing me. Now my small room didn’t feel so oppressive; it felt like a cozy place to come back to. I changed into PJs and sat on the bed with my laptop, checking Facebook and the usual sites I did.
When there wasn’t anything else new to look at, I found my brain urging me to look for porn… I didn’t bother with videos often, usually preferring erotic stories, but now I was curious to give it another try.
It wasn’t that hard to find, of course, and I quickly found myself evaluating a video with two girls who were admittedly pretty cute. They looked young, like they could be my classmates, and I appreciated that it was one of those rare videos which didn’t seem like it was just made to titillate straight men.
They started by making out, and then the clothes quickly came off. Both of the girls were fit, despite having a girl-next-door look, and I found myself getting tingly.
Well, if I was getting aroused from watching two naked girls touching each other, I was probably into the same thing, right?
I paused the video and opened a new tab. Then I searched for gay porn. The guys were actually quite cute and had great bodies, but I couldn’t get into it as much as I could with the girls. I switched between the two tabs, trying to compare. I just found myself way more interested in the girls, even though the guys were good-looking and pretty much doing the same thing as the girls.
I couldn’t come to a conclusion after just two data points, could I? And what did it mean that I was only truly interested in getting physical with Brianne?
I continued watching the video of the two girls, letting myself get aroused, then shifting the position so I could touch myself. Yeah, I could get off to this. Much more so than I could all the heterosexual porn—but maybe that was because a lot of it really was unappealing.
By the time the short video had finished, I found myself needing release, so I closed my computer and lay back on my bed, my brain inevitably drifting to thoughts of Brianne.
Now that it was on my mind, I could imagine how good it would feel if—or when—I finally went further with her. Right now, I could barely handle kisses. But in my brain, I could imagine so much more.
I could imagine taking that chambray dress off, button by button, feeling the warmth of her body pressed up against mine as we pressed our lips together, kisses traveling down necks and collarbones and further below…
This was so unfamiliar for me, to be fantasizing in depth about someone like this. I mean, I’d fantasized somewhat about previous people I’d been with, but… it was never like this.
No one excited me the way Brianne did—not just physically, but emotionally, intellectually. I’d never met anyone like her.
Right now, though, all my brain wanted to do was indulge in a filthy fantasy of what we’d do if we had the space—and if I didn’t have my inhibitions. The image in my mind dissolved into a scene of us writhing in bed together, naked, sweaty, breasts pressed against each other…
I wasn’t sure what would happen after that, and the thought was simply too arousing to even consider. I kept rubbing myself as I imagined this intoxicating scenario, and when I finally came, it was one of the best orgasms I’d had in a while.
I lay in bed for a few minutes, letting my breathing and my heart rate calm down. I couldn’t believe what I’d done. I felt like everything I was doing was propelling me further toward a certain conclusion—the conclusion that I really was a lesbian after all. (Or bisexual. Or asexual. But definitely not straight.)
Once I’d decided to embark on this journey of self-exploration, it seemed like I really was learning a lot about myself. And what I’d learned today was that I was definitely at least a little bit interested in women. I wasn’t straight. I didn’t want to put another label on myself just yet, but not-straight was definitely on the table.
There was just one problem. My family. I wasn’t sure how they’d react. They were more socially conservative, rural people from a small town. We didn’t know anyone who was LGBT—well, except my one cousin. That was probably why it had never occurred to me that I could be into women.
My dad wasn’t really in the picture anymore; he and my mother had separated long ago. I would have been more worried about disappointing him. My mother was a wild card. She didn’t rail against gay rights like he used to, but she didn’t speak up in favor of it either. She didn’t say anything mean about my gay cousin, but she also didn’t seem particularly accepting. With her, it seemed like it could go either way.
I didn’t have to worry about it just yet—after all, maybe my journey of s
elf-exploration would lead me to the conclusion that I was not gay. But I would have to worry about it eventually, and that thought was worrying.
My mom was very important to me. We’d become close after my dad left, and we’d developed a strong bond. I didn’t want to break that bond. I couldn’t help it, though. If this was really who I was…
It was stressful to think about, and I knew a lot of other people had it worse than me. Teenagers got kicked out of their homes, and adult children got disowned.
But right now, I had to focus on what was making me happy—Brianne. I loved spending time with her, feeling like I was worthwhile, like I was someone who deserved a genuine connection with another human being.
As I felt myself get tired, I decided to pull the covers over myself and just go to sleep. And as I closed my eyes, I thought about how lovely it would be to be curled up with someone I loved, in bed—and maybe one day, that someone would be Brianne.
BRIANNE
“I ’m sorry,” said Kaitlyn sheepishly. “I just… I just don’t know if it would make sense for you to play at Shadetree if you aren’t able to come to the practices.”
I sighed. I knew she was right. The Shadetree gig was a big one, and we didn’t want to screw it up. And if I couldn’t practice enough, then I could definitely screw it up somehow.
“I’m pretty good at riffing, though,” I said, knowing I was defeated.
“You are, but if you’re going to be as busy as you say you are…” Kaitlyn trailed off. I knew she wanted me to be there, but there was no point in playing with someone who was woefully underprepared.
“Yeah, it’s just all this work for my classes… It’s killing me. I thought it would let up after midterms, but it just got worse.” I sighed again. My business major was getting in the way of my music, as usual.
“Maybe after graduation, you’ll be more available,” said Kaitlyn. “And that’s not that far. You’ll only miss this gig, and you could probably make it to the next one.”