by H. L. Logan
It was all too much to think about, anyway. I let myself get sucked into the lecture, which was about product placement, and tried not to think about Margie.
But it was difficult. I could still see her hurt face, the anger bubbling under the surface.
When I got back to my apartment, I lay down on my bed, tired. I was done with classes for the day, but I still had practice with Kaitlyn in the evening. And I had a ton of homework to do, as always, as well as studying, since I had a stray midterm to take care of. And then I was supposed to call my mom, because she was organizing a graduation party for me and wanted my input on some of the decorations or whatever. And I had to Skype my friend who was studying abroad in Prague. There was just way too much to do.
I sighed. I couldn’t sit still; I had to get up and get started. There was no way I was going to cancel on Kaitlyn; canceling previous obligations was one of my least favorite things to do. I wanted people to be able to count on me.
I put all my things away, made some tea, and settled down to do a bit of reading for class, enjoying the sunlight filtering in through my windows. I was getting into the reading, which was surprisingly pretty interesting, when my phone pinged with a text.
My heart dropped like a stone in my chest when I’d read it. It was Kaitlyn, asking about the songs she wanted me to look at. Fuck. I’d totally forgotten—and I’d told her at Miriam’s birthday that I would have them ready for this practice session.
Fuck, fuck, fuck. I had to put off this reading now. Instead, I scrabbled around in my pile of papers until I found the notes and lyrics Kaitlyn had given me.
I didn’t like having to switch gears like this, but I only had a couple of hours to get these songs ready. And that was if I skipped dinner… which I would probably do, so I could pick up a pizza on the way back from Kaitlyn’s place.
I groaned. When had life become like this? I was a second semester senior—I was supposed to be carefree and ready to graduate. Instead, I was swamped in all this work, unable to even think about graduating.
I texted Kaitlyn back and assured her I would have the songs ready because damn it, I wasn’t going over unprepared.
I was going to get all my work done… if it was the last thing I did.
MARGIE
I couldn’t believe how stupid I’d been.
As soon as I left Brianne and her friends, I walked to my entomology class. There, I tried to get lost in the lecture about butterflies and moths—which should have been fascinating—but I couldn’t. I was thinking about so much.
One, the fact that I’d gotten my hopes up. I thought I could make friends with Brianne and her crew, but that was clearly not going to happen. A couple of them were nice, but why would I want to hang out with people who weren’t nice to me? I wasn’t going to try to prove anything to them—not that I had anything to prove, anyway. And Brianne herself had apologized, but what kind of person was she if she kept the company of people like that?
I may have been desperate for friendship, but I wasn’t going to allow people to disrespect me.
Two, the fact that everyone seemed to think I was a lesbian. Maybe it was because “everyone” so far was just gay people, but it didn’t matter—it had set me on a train of thought I couldn’t get off of. Maybe I really was into women.
Nah, no way. There wasn’t a chance of that. Was there?
I mean, I could think women were beautiful… but that was just because it was normal for women of all orientations to find women beautiful. There were a lot of gorgeous women in the world and I could appreciate that even if I was straight.
Except I had dabbled in looking at lesbian smut before, and I’d been into it, kinda… But that didn’t mean anything, did it? People were into all kinds of things in erotica they weren’t into in real life. And surely sexual experimentation was common.
If I examined myself honestly, it just didn’t make sense that I was gay. Bisexual maybe, but that was pushing it, because I didn’t find women even a fraction as attractive as I found men. The guys on campus caught my eye much more frequently than the girls.
But did I want to actually do anything with them? I wasn’t sure. I’d fooled around with guys, and I’d had sex in a drunken one night stand back at Amherst, but I wasn’t sure if I found sex that interesting. On the other hand, when I fantasized about doing it with women, I wasn’t that interested, either. Sure, it felt good, but…
My mind wandered back to Brianne. I didn’t want to feel like a lost puppy who was just following someone who was kind, but that was what it felt like. I felt a sort of fondness for her because she’d shown kindness to me. And it seemed like she still wanted to be my friend. The conversation we’d had before I left had been heartfelt, I could tell, and I knew she really did feel bad. I just couldn’t stick around—my emotions would get the better of me. I had to leave and cool off.
I needed to text her if I wanted to salvage my first actual friendship since coming to Beasley.
The lecture finally came to an end, and I wandered out of the classroom, wondering what to do since I was done with classes for the day. I wasn’t a particularly busy person because I didn’t have much of a social life.
Maybe I could get back into painting.
I let my feet carry me in the direction of the campus bookstore. They didn’t have a lot of art supplies, but they had enough. I’d left all my stuff in my parents’ house, so I had nothing here.
I walked into the bookstore, found my way to the art section, and took a deep breath, loving the smell of paint and canvas and brushes. I picked out a pad of watercolor paper, a student set of watercolors, and some basic brushes. They were cheap, but they would do for now.
I paid for them and then walked home, enjoying the smell of the spring air. What would I paint? I had no idea.
Again, thoughts of Brianne flitted through my head. I remembered thinking how she’d be perfect for a portrait study. Her eyes were truly gray, rather than blue, which was rare. Gray like stone, like storm clouds, like dove feathers. And her hair was a rich brown, like dark soil. And her skin was pale and clear over her cheekbones and sharp jaw. She was really good-looking, and she had that regal air about her that added to the whole effect.
I had a funny feeling in my stomach, the same feeling I got when I saw a hot guy. It wasn’t butterflies, was it? Just because Brianne was so freaking cool?
No, it was something else. I uncomfortably thought about my interest in going to Spectrum Coalition meetings. I’d feel really stupid if I showed up after professing how not-gay I was to everyone. But then I remembered Professor Barley’s kind face, and the pictures of all the students on their website.
Maybe it would be a good place to learn more, at least. If only I could get over my social anxiety.
I unlocked the front door and stepped into the house I shared with Cass. She worked at a coffee shop, so she usually wasn’t around in the afternoons, but Marnie was passed out on the couch. I should have gotten annoyed with her being over so often, but I really didn’t mind. Having more people around made me feel less lonely.
I tried to be quiet as I stepped into the living room to get to the kitchen, but Marnie stirred and stretched. She blinked her eyes at me and tried to sit up. “Hey. What time is it?”
“Like, two?” I said.
“Word.” She sat up fully and tossed the throw off, sitting properly on the couch.
“Cass’s working today, isn’t she?” I asked as I got a glass of juice from the fridge.
“Yeah, she’ll be back in an hour,” said Marnie.
“You want some juice?”
Marnie blinked at me, still brushing off the fog of sleep. “Uh, sure.”
I poured her a glass and handed it to her, then went to sit on the opposite couch from her. We sat silently as we each took long swigs of the cool, refreshing juice. It was starting to get a little warm outside and I found myself sweating a little on the walk home.
“Marnie,” I started, figuring I should fina
lly get to the bottom of it. “Are you and Cass uh, dating?”
Marnie laughed, pushing her unkempt brown hair behind her ears. “Yeah, dude.”
“Oh.” I felt a little dumb, since maybe it should have been more obvious. “I’d been wondering for a while.”
“Yeah. We’re totally dating. It’s even getting serious.”
“Good for you.” I paused, wondering if I should ask Marnie. I didn’t really know her, so it felt alright. “How did you realize you were interested in women?”
Her eyes widened slightly.
“Sorry,” I said quickly. “You don’t have to answer that if you don’t want to. I’m just curious about how people figure this out about themselves.”
She gave me a knowing look, which I wasn’t sure I liked. “Well… I was never into guys as much as everyone else seemed to be,” she started. “So then I tried dating a girl back in freshman year, and wow. The sexual chemistry was incredible. TMI, I know. But that was pretty much my awakening.”
“So you had a hunch and followed up on it,” I said.
“Basically, yeah.”
“Thanks,” I said.
“Yeah, no worries.” She smiled.
She’d given me a lot to think about. Namely, the prospect of experimenting with someone so I could see how I felt. The only problem was that I didn’t want to just experiment with anyone… unless that person turned out to be Brianne. And it wouldn’t be fair to treat her as some kind of experiment if I actually wanted to be friends with her. I knew I’d be able to find a hookup if I wanted—especially since Brianne said I was good-looking, a thought that brought warmth to my heart—but random people didn’t interest me.
After finishing my drink, I went up to my room. The smallness was oppressive, now. I had a sort of restlessness inside me that was making me not want to be cooped up here.
I decided to text Brianne and tell her I was sorry for how I behaved and that I wanted to see her again. I figured if I reached out then maybe she’d feel better about it.
> MARGIE: Hey, sorry I stomped off like that. I was upset. I’d like to hang out again soon.
I tried to get some work done, but it was difficult. I just found myself sitting and waiting for Brianne to reply. Dinner time came and went without a reply, and just when I was going to turn in for the night and watch Netflix, my phone pinged.
> BRIANNE: I was at practice so sorry I didn’t reply sooner. Let’s hang out this weekend!
I finally felt like I could breathe a sigh of relief. She wasn’t mad at me. Not that I thought she would be… but it was hard to say with people you didn’t know well. I replied and told her I wasn’t doing anything this weekend—which was true—and her reply came instantly.
> BRIANNE: Cool, I think there’s a party at Miriam’s Friday. I promise she’ll be nice this time.
I wasn’t so sure of that, but if Brianne made a promise, I figured she’d probably talk to Miriam. I didn’t really like the idea of her telling them not to make fun of me, as if I was a child who needed to be taken care of, and I didn’t like that she still hung out with them, but I was willing to give her a chance anyway. She seemed like a good person.
But what the hell was I going to do at a party? I’d been to a few with EAC, but they’d been busts. I just sipped a beer and stood around awkwardly while everyone around me got wasted and danced. I didn’t like getting too drunk or even tipsy around people I didn’t know because I was worried I’d do or say something stupid. But on the other hand, I didn’t like looking like a square because I didn’t get drunk. People were really nice about that here, and didn’t pressure me at all, but I still felt like an outsider when I was the only one who was sober.
I supposed I just had to trust Brianne—a scary thought, trusting someone I didn’t know well—and just go for it. See what a different party scene was like.
And maybe I could get to know Brianne better. Maybe I could even kiss her.
Shit, that thought immediately made me get a little tingly down there. I felt like that should be telling—or maybe my libido was just revving up because I’d ignored it for so long. In any case, it just made me feel uneasier. It was as if my body was trying to show me that I was into women because I’d been entertaining the idea.
If I got excited at the thought of kissing a girl, that had to mean something, right? Especially when kissing guys didn’t always have the same effect on me.
There was no way I was getting anymore work done tonight. I closed my laptop and lay down on my bed, staring at the ceiling. I tried not to think of Brianne and how great it would be if we were actually friends, and I was established in her friend group, but I couldn’t help it. When the one thing I wanted more than anything—a true friend—was within reach, I couldn’t stop my brain and heart from indulging in the possibilities.
BRIANNE
I wasn’t even sure Margie would want to come to the party because Miriam had been snarky toward her, but she’d told me she was down. I’d resolved to make sure no one was a dick to her at this party. I wanted her to feel comfortable.
It was still a little weird to me how protective I was of her. I really wasn’t usually like this. I wondered if I was developing a crush on her, and realized that maybe I was. The thought of seeing her at the party certainly made me feel a little jittery, and that was weird.
I checked myself in the mirror and decided to make my way over, glad that Miriam’s house was within walking distance of mine. I’d spoken to her and told her to be nice to Margie. She’d asked me if I liked liked her, and I told her maybe. Of course, she’d gone nuts with that tease, but she’d agreed to be polite and friendly to her. So that was taken care of, at least.
As I approached her house, I saw that the lights glowed warmly in the windows and the faint sound of music escaped it. I tried the door handle, found it was open, and walked inside. The music was blaring loudly, and my friends were drinking in the kitchen.
“Hey,” said Miriam. “Glad you could make it. Where’s your new girl?”
“Brianne has a new girl?” Siobhan perked up.
Suddenly, all the attention was on me. “She’s not my new girl,” I scoffed. “She’s just a new friend. Yeah, she’s cute as hell, but she’s also straight.”
“Oh, bummer,” said Miriam.
“Yeah. Oh well. She should turn up soon.”
“I think there’s probably more to it,” said Kaitlyn. “I mean, you don’t just adopt random straight girls normally, do you?”
“Er, no,” I said, trying to fend off the blush rising on my cheeks. “Margie just seems like a nice girl who needs friends.”
“Sure,” said Miriam, skeptical.
Whatever, they’d see that she really was just a friend. Of course, I wanted her to be something more, but I’d accepted that wasn’t going to happen. Maybe she could find a cute guy at this party, finally.
The door opened and I turned to see who it was. Margie’s blonde head appeared in the doorway tentatively, looking around until she saw me. I waved her over.
“You all remember Margie,” I said, like we hadn’t just been talking about her.
“Yeah,” said Miriam. “Hey. Thanks for coming.” She smiled.
Margie smiled back, though I could tell she was still suspicious. “Thanks for having me.”
“Want a drink?” I asked, holding up a beer bottle. When she nodded, I uncapped it and handed it to her.
The group was a little silent now, unsure of what to talk about. I had to do something.
“Hey, Kaitlyn,” I started, “I almost forgot to mention Professor Barley wants us to play at the next Shadetree event.”
Kaitlyn’s eyes lit up. “Wow, really?”
“Yeah!” I grinned. “She’s seen you playing around campus and wants to have you since you’re popular with the students. Now that the weather’s getting nicer, she wants to do events on the terrace.”
“That would be amazing,” said Kaitlyn.
“And it’s paid,” I add
ed with a grin.
“Dope!” interjected Miriam. “Getting paid to be creative is the best.”
We were interrupted when the door opened and a few more people trickled in. Miriam and Siobhan—who also lived in this house—went to greet them, and the others wandered off, leaving me with Margie.
“Doin’ okay so far?” I asked.
“Yeah,” she said. “They do seem to be nicer this time.”
“They’re not bad people, just prickly,” I said, though I still felt a little bit of guilt over how Margie had been treated initially. “Want to get the music set up? Now that the party’s really starting…”
We walked to the living room and sat down next to the speakers, finding Miriam’s laptop already hooked up. I queued some songs that were good, with Margie’s help, and when we looked up again, it seemed like the number of people inside had doubled.
It was officially party o’clock.
Some people had pregamed already and I caught the distinct sour scent of weed floating in the air. Margie looked a little nervous, and I couldn’t blame her due to her past experiences. I usually hated having to babysit people—like when one of my more sheltered high school friends visited me back in freshman year—but I didn’t mind having Margie at my side.
Yep, I was definitely getting a crush on her. Actually, the crush already existed in full force. I was so attentive to her like I never usually was with other people, and I felt irrationally solicitous. And when I looked at her, I couldn’t help but notice how adorable her face was, how soulful her brown eyes were…
Fuck.
I had to get her focused on some guy. Maybe if she found a boyfriend, I could put my feelings behind me. Or at the very least, I could stop worrying about whether I had a tiny chance of getting with her or not.
“Hey,” I said, nudging her shoulder, “you see that guy over there? Green sweatshirt at ten o’clock.”
She turned in his direction. “What about him?”
“I happen to know he got dumped by his ex, who was a really shitty person, and could use a nice girl to help him forget her…” I smiled slyly.