Kiss & Tell

by Layce Gardner

  Shit on a shingle, Willy thought. That’s why he looked familiar. She had seen his mug plastered all over the papers. He was a henchman for Jimmy Funghini, a.k.a. The Mushroom; the notorious Godfather of the mafia. The Mushroom, what sort of a name was that? How serious could a mobster be with a name like that? Then she remembered he was on trial for racketeering and three murders—one of which was a Federal judge.

  Willy ducked her head and buried her face in Allistair’s tits. It seemed the only right thing to do. If she was going to die, this was how she wanted to go.

  But the gunshot didn’t come. There was the sound of running footsteps, grunts, and scuffling. Willy was afraid to look up. Besides, it was nice and fluffy where she was.

  Willy heard a car engine roar, a volley of gunfire, wheels thwumping on wet pavement, and then a man’s voice saying, “Shit! He got away!”

  Willy stayed where she was. No way was she moving.

  Allistair tapped her on the back of her head and whispered, “Excuse me? Can you please unhand my chest?”

  Willy tilted her head and looked at Allistair’s face. “Are we dead yet?”

  “I don’t think so,” Allistair said. “But you’re crushing me.”

  “Sorry,” Willy said. She rose up to peek out the driver’s side windshield. At that moment the car door opened, revealing a different man. This man had thinning hair, a rumpled suit, and a potbelly. His bottom teeth were crooked. Willy always noticed teeth. That was her job after all. She wondered if shoe salesmen noticed shoes? If optometrists noticed eyes? If gynecologists noticed…

  The man interrupted Willy’s thoughts by shouting over his shoulder, “We got two witnesses in here. And they’re alive.”

  Good News, Bad News

  The good news was that it had stopped raining. The bad news was that Willy and Allistair were being held hostage inside the Florist’s van that Allistair’s BMW had crashed into. Well, not exactly held hostage, but they weren’t free to go either. The florist’s van was actually an FBI surveillance van in disguise. The disguise part was the big bouquet of flowers sticker on the outside of the van. Inside looked like what it really was. There was a bank of computers and monitors and all kinds of bright shiny dials and knobs and stuff.

  Willy and Allistair were seated in the only two chairs. The man with the bad teeth had dragged Willy and Allistair out of the wrecked BMW and thrown them inside the van with orders to sit down and shut up.

  He introduced himself as U.S. Marshall Joe Hill. There was a woman standing beside him. Willy figured it was Hill’s partner. Not his life partner, mind you. His business partner. Although they could be life partners for all Willy knew. They both wore jeans, button-down white shirts, and blazers.

  The woman was African-American and had a close-cut Afro. She had eyes so dark they seemed to pierce a hole straight through you. She also had perfect teeth. She probably flossed. It was people like her who put Willy out of work.

  Willy allowed her eyes to graze over the female agent. And, no, that wasn’t a typo. Willy’s eyes didn’t gaze. They grazed. Like an herbivore taking its time chewing.

  The female agent was very shapely inside that blazer. Very sexy, Willy thought. Willy had a thing for powerful women. Even Hillary Clinton got her hot and bothered.

  The woman scrutinized Willy’s clothes. “I’m U.S. Marshal Tina Maxey,” she said. “Marshal Hill and I need to ask you a few questions.”

  “Marshal? Like in the old west times? You live on the Ponderosa or something?” Willy asked. She chuckled. Obviously, nobody else thought she was funny because she was the only one chuckling. She cleared her throat and coughed into her fist. “Sorry. Please continue.”

  “You two just witnessed a high-profile murder,” Maxey said. “Can you tell us what you saw?”

  “I didn’t see a thing,” Willy said.

  “Oh, I did,” Allistair said. “I saw that man with the scar on his face. He was pointing his gun at the dead guy. Then he pointed it at us. I thought we were goners for sure! His face looked familiar to me. Isn’t he a mobster or something?”

  “What the fuck, Allistair?” Willy said. She threw her hands in the air. “Can’t you just say you didn’t see anything so we could go home? Now we’ll be here all night.”

  “Oh, but we have to help,” Allistair said. “That’s what makes this country great. Can you imagine what would happen if everybody stuck their heads in the sand?”

  “Yeah, we’d able to sleep in peace at night. Without worrying about getting killed,” Willy said.

  Joe Hill pulled his pants up and narrowed his eyes. “Now, ladies, let’s talk this through. Starting with your names.”

  Maxey pulled a black moleskin notebook out of her jacket pocket and licked the tip of her pencil.

  “My name is Allistair Benning,” Allistair offered.

  Hill looked at Willy. “And you are?”

  Willy sighed and said, “Lucille McGillicuddy.”

  “But you told me your name was Willy,” Allistair said.

  “For Chrissakes, Allistair!” Willy said. “You’re doing it again!”

  “Maybe I should have been more specific. Give us your real names,” Hill said.

  Willy rolled her eyes and muttered. “Wilhimena Juanita Stilwell.”

  “Your real name,” Hill commanded.

  “That is my real name, okay?”

  Hill and Maxey laughed. Even Allistair chuckled.

  “People call me Willy. And I didn’t see a damn thing.” She crossed her arms in defiance.

  Allistair poked Willy in the ribs with her elbow. “Sure you did, Willy. You saw that mobster man. You even pushed me down and laid on top of me so he wouldn’t shoot me.” Allistair looked at the marshals and said, “She was very gallant. She was willing to sacrifice her life for mine.”

  Willy looked at the Marshals and explained, “I wasn’t being gallant. I was horny. I was trying to get in her pants.”

  Allistair laughed away Willy’s explanation. “You’re such a card. And so humble.”

  Maxey said, “Let me get this straight. You two are a couple?”

  “No,” Willy said quickly.

  “Yes,” Allistair said just as quickly.

  “So which is it?” Hill asked. “Yes or no?”

  Allistair said, “We’ve been courting online for about six months. Tonight was our first physical date.”

  Willy sawed the air with her hand, “No, no, no. I’m not who she thinks I am. I was just sitting by the window, reading my book, when she comes up and starts coming on to me. I’m not her virtual girlfriend.”

  “You’re not 0699?”

  Willy shook her head, “Sorry.”

  Allistair looked as if she were going to burst into tears. “Why didn’t you tell me? Why did you deceive me into thinking you were 0699?”

  Maxey said in an accusatory tone, “You catfished her?”

  “Hey, it’s not like I… I mean, she was the one who came on to me. I was hungry, all right? I was thrown out of my apartment. I needed a place to stay tonight. So sue me!”

  “I may just do that!” Allistair exclaimed. She looked to the marshals for help. “You two know the law. Can I sue her for misrepresentation? Do I have a case?”

  Willy stood. “Why am I the bad guy all of a sudden? I just witnessed a mobster murdering a man in cold-blood and you idiots are more concerned about a case of mistaken identity!”

  “Aha!” Hill said. “So you did see the murderer!”

  Willy slumped back down into the chair. “Fuck me… Yeah, yeah, I saw him.”

  “Do you think you could recognize him again?” Maxey asked.

  Willy nodded. “It would be hard to miss that scar.”

  “And the man saw you?” Maxey asked. “Is there any chance he’d recognize you two?”

  “I don’t think so,” Willy replied. “I probably look like a thousand other people.”

  “I don’t,” Allistair said.

  Willy turned to look at her.<
br />
  “My picture is printed in every issue of The G-Spot. I’m the columnist, Ask Allie.”

  Hill snapped his finger and grinned. “I knew you looked familiar.”

  Maxey sniggered at her partner. “You read a love column?”

  “It’s got great tips about housekeeping.” Hill smiled at Allistair. “I took your advice and used vinegar and dish soap on the mustard stain on my tie. I did like you said and rubbed gently in little circles.” He held his tie out and showed everybody. “See? No more stain!”

  Allistair smiled. “Vinegar is nature’s penicillin. It helps with everything.”

  “Moving right along,” Maxey said, grabbing Hill by the elbow and pulling him aside. “Can I talk to you in private for a minute?”

  “Sure, sure,” Hill said.

  The marshals moved out of hearing range and began to converse in whispers.

  Willy turned in her seat and looked Allistair up and down. “So…You’re Ask Allie, huh? The famous advice columnist?”

  “Yes, I am,” Allistair said. “You said that like you don’t believe me.”

  “Well, it is kind of hard to swallow. I mean, you’re always spouting stuff about how to have a normal healthy relationship. I just never figured you’d be going out on a blind date with a number,” Willy said.

  “For your information, I do not spout stuff. I look things up. I give time-tested, well-thought out, structured advice to the weary at heart. And as for 0699, she is head and shoulders above you. She has a job. She has a home to live in. She loves me. The real me. The me inside me. She’s in love with the real Allistair.”

  “I see,” Willy said. “She’s so great she didn’t even show up for your first date.”

  Allistair turned her back to Willy and crossed her arms over her chest. “You’re impossible. I refuse to talk to you anymore.”

  “You gotta admit,” Willy said to Allistair’s back, “She fucked up royally. Not even showing up? There’s probably something wrong with her. She probably has a hair lip. Or maybe a peg leg. Maybe she has a glass eye that roams around the room while you’re talking to her.”

  “You make her sound like a pirate. She doesn’t have a peg leg,” Allistair said.

  “How do you know? She could be lying to you. Have you ever seen her?”

  “Leave me alone,” Allistair said harshly.

  “Ladies, here’s what happening,” Hill said, walking back over to them. “We’re placing you both in the Witness Protection Program.”

  “Like hell you are,” Willy said.

  “You can’t do that!” Allistair exclaimed.

  “We can and we will,” Maxey said. “Your choice is simple. You either continue to live like you have been and get hunted down and murdered by one of Funghini’s henchmen, or you go into hiding until you testify to what you saw and we put them away. Live or die, the choice is yours.”

  “Well, when you put it that way,” Willy said. Besides, she thought, this was the answer to her prayers. She could have a place to stay and three squares meals a day. All on the government’s dime.

  “On one condition,” Allistair said, pointing at Willy, “I don’t want to be anywhere near her.”

  “Oh, yeah? Well, I’d rather be shot dead than be in the same state as you,” Willy said.

  Hill cleared his throat, hitched up his pants and said, “Um, yeah, sorry ladies. Ever since the economy went tits up, we gotta save on expenses. You two will be bunking together.”

  “That is unacceptable,” Allistair stated.

  “Don’t worry about it,” Willy said. “I’ll grow on you.”

  “Like a fungus,” Allistair muttered.

  “Where are you putting us?” Willy asked. “Do we get a choice?”

  “I would like to be relocated to Southern California,” Allistair said.

  “You’ve got to be fucking kidding me. Why there?” Willy said.

  “It’s pretty and has a temperate climate. I don’t like the cold,” Allistair said.

  “This isn’t a vacation,” Hill said. “And, besides, there’s only one safe place Funghini and his goons haven’t infiltrated.”

  “And that would be?” Allistair asked.

  The marshals grinned.

  Mum’s The Word

  Allistair was not happy. Not even a little bit. What was supposed to be the first day of the rest of her new life was turning into total crap. It wasn’t like her life was all that great to begin with, but at least she had 0699’s emails and her job and… what else did she have? Does Tilda the cat count even though, technically, she wasn’t her cat?

  Willy and Allistair were now at the police station sequestered in a back office. They sat across a table from Hill and Maxey. Allistair had never been in a police station. She was surprised to find them as nasty looking in their industrial décor as they were on television and in the movies. There were a lot of stains everywhere. On the ceiling, on the desktops, on the floor, on the walls. Allistair hoped they weren’t bloodstains. Or worse. She sat stiffly in her wooden chair, moving as little as humanly possible. She was afraid to touch anything. If this was the room where they brought the suspects, no telling what was smeared and stained everywhere. “Do you happen to have a baby wipe? Or maybe some hand sanitizer?” she asked.

  “Why won’t you tell us where you’re hiding us? I mean we’re going to find out sooner or later, right?” Willy asked. “What the fuck kind of Witness Protection Program are you running here?”

  “Standard operating procedure,” Hill said. He sat backwards in a chair. “Mum’s the word until you get there.” He looked both ways then whispered, “Can’t have any leaks, if you get my drift.”

  Allistair leaned forward in her chair and began to chatter excitedly, “Did you know that the expression “Mum’s the word” is an old English idiom? There used to be these entertainers who did pantomime, you know, without talking. They were called mummers. Hence, ‘mum’s the word’ meant to be silent.” Allistair laughed lightly. “I guess today you would say, “‘Mime’s the word.’”

  Willy and the marshals looked at Allistair like she was off her rocker. Allistair shrugged. “Sorry. I do a lot of research in my line of work. Knowing a bunch of trivia is one of the hazards of the job. And I talk incessantly when I’m nervous.”

  “Moving right along,” Maxey said, “You can’t tell anybody you’re going to be relocated. And, once there, you aren’t allowed to contact the outside world. We need the mob to think you’re living life as normal.”

  “Aren’t they going to know we’re gone when they come looking and can’t find us?” Willy asked. “Or are you banking on the fact that they’re as stupid as you?”

  Hill looked like he’d like to punch Willy in the face. Maxey put her hand on Hill’s shoulder to keep him in his chair. She said to Willy, “We want to throw them off the track. At least for a day or two. Hopefully, we can buy enough time to hide you somewhere safe so you won’t get killed.”

  Willy muttered, “I don’t like it when you say ‘hopefully.’ It doesn’t instill confidence.”

  Allistair piped up, “You mean we’re going into hiding immediately?”

  “That’s right,” Maxey said.

  “Do I get to go home and pack?”

  “Sorry, but no.”

  “Don’t I get to even say goodbye to…?” Allistair hesitated. Who did she have to say goodbye to? 0699? After she didn’t show up for their date? Allistair finished her thought, “…to my plants?”

  Willy looked at her. “You talk to your plants? You’re one of those people?”

  Allistair pointedly ignored Willy by turning in her chair so that her back was facing her. Allistair addressed Maxey, “Who’s going to water my poor plants while I’m gone? How long will this take anyway? Oh, my God, I hope I unplugged everything this morning. Can somebody turn my water heater down to vacation setting? And my plants need to be watered once a week. On Thursdays.”

  “Yeah, and who’s going to the feed the chickens whil
e I’m gone?” Willy said. “And collect the eggs?”

  The marshals didn’t even look at Willy. Maxey sat on the edge of the table close to Allistair and said, “Well, we could send an officer over to water the plants at your apartment. Hopefully, the low-level beat cop won’t get murdered doing it. The bad guys usually stake out your apartment first because most people think after they’ve witnessed a mob hit that they have time to pack and put their lives in order. Unfortunately that’s not the case,” Maxey said. “But if you insist on having your plants watered...”

  “I can always get new plants,” Allistair said with a giant sigh.

  “And I don’t really have a chicken ranch,” Willy admitted.

  “Okay, now that we all understand the gravity of the situation we can move on. We’ll get you some clothes and everything else you need and take you to a safe locale. You’ll stay put, we’ll find the guy, get him in custody and on trial and once he’s in prison you can go back to your lives same as before,” Maxey said.

  “Whoa there, Nellie,” Willy said. “It sounds like it’s going take a helluva long time. I can’t hide out that long. I’ve got a job.”

  Maxey spoke up, “That’s a lie. You lost your job this morning when Nothing But the Tooth closed its doors.”

  “How’d you find that out so quickly?” Willy asked.

  “Facebook, how else?” Maxey said.

  Allistair said smugly, “Social media is the best place to find things out. I always advise people to not tell their hundreds of friends when they’re going on vacation. That is like hanging a sign on your front door just asking to be burgled.”

  “Burgled? What kind of word is that? Do you even live in this century?” Willy said with a snort.

  Allistair raised her chin defiantly. “Are you always so caustic?”

  “No, sometimes I’m worse.”

  “I don’t see how that’s humanly possible,” Allistair said. “Of course, maybe you’re not human.”

  Willy stood and puffed out her chest. “You want to take this outside?”

  Hill stepped between Willy and Allistair. “Now, now, ladies…” he poked one finger in Willy’s chest, pushing her back down into her chair. “Sit down.”