by Sydney Lane
“Brody, you can surprise me like this anytime.” Wrapping my arms around his neck, I lean in and brush my nose against his. Staring into his eyes, I forget everything. It is as if the rest of the world no longer exists. “Kiss me.”
His eyes grow dark, and he roughly takes my lips. He pushes me up, pulling my legs around his waist. I can feel him against me, and I know he’s feeling what I am. Breathless, I lean back against the rocks, watching as he rakes his hand through his unruly hair. I am mesmerized by the trail of water trickling down his chest.
“I could stay here forever if you always looked at me just like that.” I don’t understand what he means, but I can’t take my eyes off him. “Everything.” His voice deepens while he looks into my eyes. “I like everything about you, Quince. I like the way those little wisps of hair frame your face. I love your eyes, so deep I get lost in them. Those lips I can’t resist. But I like you, Quince. The first time I saw you, I was drawn to you. I knew right then that you would turn my world upside down. It scared the hell out of me, but I knew I’d follow you anywhere.” He just made me feel beautiful, really beautiful, for the first time in my life.
There are no words for that. Instead, I wrap my arms around his neck and roughly kiss him. I twist my fingers in his hair and wonder why I haven’t done that before. Besides his eyes, his hair is the sexiest thing about him. But it’s what he hides on the inside that I so desperately want to see.
I hear a distant roll of thunder, and Brody jerks away. “Sounds like we better head back.” I giggle when his eyes widen in fear. “What? You think it’s funny?” He begins tickling me, and I squeal. “Now you know my secret. I don’t like thunder and lightning.”
Summer thunderstorms are common in the South. They are stunning and sometimes, destructive. I can remember lying in my bed during thunderstorms when I was a little girl. The thunder boomed with power, and the lightning flashes danced across my bedroom walls. Katie was afraid of thunder, and she would crawl into bed with me. Snuggling together, we would trade secrets and giggle until we drifted back to sleep. That was before the Katie I knew went away.
“Oh, come on, scaredy cat.” Reluctantly, I take him by the hand and lead him out of the water. Throwing on our clothes, we begin the walk back to the cabin.
The heat is stifling, but I can feel a shift in the air. The storm is close. Brody is closer. He tightens his hold on my hand, a vulnerable look on his face. I smile to myself. So he isn’t invincible after all.
When we break through the trees, the sky opens up and drenches us. I let go of Brody and run into the rain. I raise my arms to the sky and laugh out loud. My hair is wet and hangs limply down my back. I turn to Brody, inviting him to join me. He looks terrified, but he runs to me.
“Are you crazy?” He still looks terrified, but a smile sneaks onto his face. His hair falls over his eyes, and I reach to brush it away. He suddenly pulls me to him, his mouth meeting mine. There, with rain running down our bodies, we kiss as if nothing else matters. When he breaks the kiss, he takes my hand, and we run up the steps to the cabin. I giggle the whole way. I feel so free.
I wait just inside the door while Brody goes to get some towels. Although it was hot and muggy outside, I am freezing inside. I begin removing my wet clothes. Standing only in my bathing suit, I am relieved when Brody skips down the stairs with our towels. Shivering, we dry ourselves quickly.
Brody takes his shirt off, and wraps the towel around his waist. I’m shocked when he reaches under it and pulls his shorts off. “What? You want some help with yours?” He asks while tugging on my towel.
“Brody! Don’t even think about it!” I try to run, but he catches me around the waist. I struggle against him and try to push him away, but he distracts me when his lips graze my shoulder. I am going to lose this battle.
All of the fight leaves me, and I slump against him. Turning, I reach out to trace his tattoo. His eyes suddenly grow serious, and he doesn’t move while I explore his body. This is his fraternity crest with a number on it. His pledge number. 389. Sexy.
“Quince.” He breathes my name, as if he’s whispering a secret. “Believe me when I say I’ve never wanted anything as much as I want this.” He lifts me off the ground, and I wrap my legs around his waist. I can’t control myself any longer, and I begin to plant soft kisses across his collarbone. When my lips reach his neck, I stop to lick the soft skin under his ear. His breathing changes, his muscles twitching under my hands. Slowly, he lowers me until I am standing in front of him. His hands explore my body, down my sides to my waist.
I reach behind my back and undo my bathing suit top. When it slips away, his eyes widen as I allow him to look at me. He watches, seemingly entranced, when I bend and remove the rest of my clothing. Then, I reach for his towel and drop it on the floor. My body is naked, but I feel completely bared to him, body and soul. Today, I am exposing more than my skin.
We step into each other, and he kisses me with such tenderness that a tear escapes my eye. Slowly lowering me to the couch, his body on mine, I surrender. “I belong to you, Brody.” I whisper. A look of surprise, then desire, flashes on his face. “I belong to you.”
He bites his lower lip, staring into my eyes. “I don’t want to hurt you, Quince. But I’m not strong enough to walk away.” This time, his lips scorch me. I imagine that they leave a mark, branding me as his.
All of our times together have been beautiful, but we have breached a barrier. I have no idea where we stand. I just know it isn’t where we were before.
Reaching for his shorts, Brody retrieves a condom. He grins sheepishly and says, “This is what took me so long upstairs.” I don’t even mind that he thought I was a sure thing. I knew he was.
After he rolls on the condom, I pull him to me, wrapping my legs around him. I am disappointed when he pulls back. “No, baby, I am going to take my time with you. I want to remember every detail.” Slowly, ever so slowly, he kisses down my neck, to my chest, and down my stomach to my thighs. He kisses a path all of the way to my toes, lighting a fire wherever he touches.
Kissing his way back up the other leg, he finally rests between my thighs. When he pushes inside me, I nip his shoulder with my teeth. My fingernails dig into his back. But he takes his time, moving slowly, worshiping my body. I hear his every sigh, feel his heart pounding. And a fire grows within me, small and warm, until it consumes me. When I shatter, I pull him over the edge with me. Exhausted, I wrap my arms around him as he rests his head on my chest.
The thunder claps loudly, and lightning flashes on the wall. We may be inside, but the storm rages on around us. “I’ll never be afraid of thunder again.” He breathes against me.
“See? I’m better than a therapist.” I giggle and absently run my fingers through his hair. “And it didn’t cost you anything.”
“Oh, I don’t know about that.” He raises his head to look into my eyes. “It may have cost me more than either of us know.” His words are cryptic, but I am not unaware of his sacrifice. And my role in it.
He gets up to dispose of the condom and grabs a blanket from a nearby chair. We lay together on the couch, and a small part of me wishes that we could stay here forever. Another cynical part reminds me that we aren’t living in a fairytale.
For the first time, I feel as if we have connected emotionally as well as physically. We discuss music, books, and even philosophy. This is the most we’ve ever talked, and I love each new piece of him that I discover. We have more in common than I ever imagined. I grow braver, and I finally ask him something I’ve always wondered about.
“Brody, Alex says you don’t date. And you’re telling me you don’t do relationships. Why? I mean, why not?” His body stiffens against me, and I feel him holding his breath. I’m afraid I’ve crossed a line. He’s not going to answer me.
Slowly exhaling, he begins to speak. “It’s not about a girl, but at the same time, it is. I had a girlfriend named Paige all through high school. We were together four years, and I caug
ht her cheating on me. I wasn’t devastated or anything because I was already beginning to feel like we needed a break from each other.”
I am shocked. Why would anyone cheat on Brody? When I look at him, I see near perfection. I’m not so naïve that I believe that’s all that matters. But I’m finding that I like who Brody is on the inside, where it counts.
“Later, she told me she had an abortion without even discussing it with me. I knew then that she wasn’t who I thought she was. She wasn’t someone I could be with.” He takes a deep breath and lets it out, almost as if he’s trying to calm himself. “I just haven’t found anyone I wanted to be with since then.”
Nothing could have prepared me for those words. My heart hurts for him, and I begin to understand why he is who he is. I know all about broken trust and betrayal. I know there just isn’t anything anyone can say to make it better. Instead, I reassuringly squeeze him tighter to me.
“You know, it’s not even about her. It’s not even about the cheating. It’s that she robbed me of my choice. I realize we weren’t ready to be parents. We would never have stayed together. But I deserved to know.” He sounds far away, his mind in another time and place.
I hear hurt and anger in his voice. But I also hear guilt. I know how it feels to carry the burden of something you could have never changed. “I’m so, so sorry.” And I am. For him and for me.
We lay silently for a long while, until we notice that the storm has passed, the air clear and calm. “Come on, babe. We need to get back so you can study. We dress in silence. And each time I steal a glance his way, I see him not for the man he is but for the man he will become.
Driving home, we make small talk. When we stop to eat at a small diner, I feel a definite shift in our relationship. I don’t know what it means, maybe nothing, but things are changing.
He leaves me outside Baxter Hall, and when he drives away, tears roll down my face for the boy who has claimed my heart.
Chapter 37
I can’t sleep. Though my body is tired and weary, my mind is restless. It seems that I have traded one set of problems for a whole other set. My thoughts run laps inside my head, exhausting me both mentally and emotionally.
This weekend has been an emotional roller coaster. The situation with Declan tears at my heartstrings. He is more than anyone could ever hope for. When he takes my hand in his, I would follow him anywhere. The touch of his lips against mine doesn’t take my breath away, but it whispers of promise, commitment, and unfailing love. When he walks into a room, every single cell in my body doesn’t come alive. Time doesn’t stand still, and my heart doesn’t race. But does it have to? Is that really love at all?
I would be lying if I said I never imagine what things would be like under different circumstances. I convince myself that if I had met him, and only him, at that party, we could have been happy together. But now I have lied. I have given myself to someone else. And there are some things that even time can never erase.
Truthfully, it is hard to think about Declan without somehow comparing him to Brody. That’s just not fair to any of us. Declan deserves so much better than that, but selfishly, desperately, I hold on. I don’t know how to let him go.
Brody. Just thinking about him changes everything. Declan would be so good to me. He would be good for me. But when I am with Brody, nothing else feels right. I have room in my heart to love two boys, but I only have room in my life for one of them.
Declan is like a slow burning fire, a flickering light in a world of chaos. Being with him would be effortless, and his love would be warm and comforting, a place to find solace in times of need. Brody is like a wildfire, fast and out of control. Once unleashed, there is no containing him. His love might be beautiful, but it has the power to consume me from the inside out. Loving Brody is easy. Being with him is not.
When Brody and I are alone, especially at the cabin, I convince myself that we have something special together. Alone and secluded, it’s as if we become different people. Maybe it’s because our relationship has been built on lies and secrets. Maybe it’s because we are two damaged people, recognizing something familiar in each other. And maybe it’s simply because we no longer feel the need to hide. I realize Brody is risking a lot to be with me, and certain disaster awaits us. But none of that matters… when we are together.
The bonds of fraternal brotherhood are foreign to me. I don’t know what obligations brothers have toward one another. But I do understand the rules of friendship. Never lie to your friends. Never take them for granted. Never date someone your friend has dated. And never, ever let a boy or girl come between you. I don’t know the consequences of breaking his bonds, but I know I couldn’t live without Jenna. Each time I am with Brody, he risks much more than I.
I’ve had several opportunities to open up to Brody. But I can’t. The words freeze on my tongue, and I choke them down. Although I’ve shared my body with him, I’ve been very careful to hide my demons. But when he shared his heartbreak with me, we crossed a line. I don’t want to read too much into it. It’s not like he declared his undying love and devotion to me. In the end, I know it’s not about trusting him. It’s about trusting myself.
Every time we say goodbye, darkness lurks in my heart. My deepest insecurities yell that I am not good enough to keep him. Old doubts linger, like a poison, in my mind, begging for self preservation. The old Quincy would run fast and far. The new Quincy wants to grab hold with both hands. For the first time in my life, I want to stay and fight. I want to take back my happiness.
My mind wanders to something closer to home. I haven’t heard from my mom or Katie, and I’m supposed to go home this weekend. For many reasons, the visit hangs over me like a cloud of dread. I have no idea if Katie is home yet. And if she is, I have no idea what I’ll be walking into. I just want to know she is safe, and I’ll deal with the rest when I have to.
The only highlight of the night? A text from Declan. Not the same as a phone call, but it made my heart lighter. It comforted me, and I finally found some peace in sleep.
Declan: Night, sweet girl
When I finally roll out of bed, I feel as if I’ve been run over by a truck. It’s going to be a long day, as I will be studying to make up for the lost time yesterday. But I wouldn’t take it back for the world. And there is the issue of still having to face the day.
Chapter 38
I step out onto the steps in front of my dorm, hesitating a moment, to allow the sun to shine down on my face. I take a moment to enjoy the cooler weather and throw my backpack over my shoulder.
Jenna and I are meeting for breakfast, and I am super excited to see her. When I walk into Starbucks, she is already waiting for me. Standing, she excitedly calls my name and waves me over. I have missed this girl.
“Are you ready for my news?” She is bouncing up and down in her seat, eager to tell me her news. I nod, knowing there is nothing I could do to stop her, even if I wanted to. “Eric and I are going to Asheville this weekend!” She squeals, her voice rising with each word.
“Oh, Jenna! How awesome!” I know that taking the next step with Eric means a lot to her, and I am excited for her. “Does this mean what I think it does?”
“I don’t know, but I sure hope it does.” She smiles mischievously as she twirls a piece of her hair over her fingers. “Are you still planning to go home?”
“Yeah, I am. I don’t even know if Katie is home or not, but I need to go see the parents.” With all that has been going on, I just need a break from it all. What I’d really like to do is run off to Brody’s cabin all by myself. Surely, I couldn’t screw that up.
“So, don’t think you’re getting off the hook. What the heck is going on with Brody? He’s been a beast to get along with lately.” She smirks, still twirling her hair around her finger.
“Well, we went back to the cabin yesterday. It was like a dream. We went hiking, and he showed me a valley of wildflowers and a hot spring. Jenna, it was beautiful. We actually talked, like r
eally talked, for the first time. I think I’m finally beginning to understand him.” I only hope he feels the same way back here in reality as he did at the cabin.
“Quince. What about Declan?” I can hear the weariness in her voice. She knows I’m not good with confrontation.
“It’s breaking my heart. He hasn’t called all weekend. I guess he’s giving me some space. I told him I wasn’t ready to commit.” I am still trying to convince myself that I’ve done the right thing.
“Girl, you gotta know that he still thinks he has a chance. He’s holding on because he hopes you’ll change your mind. You know that, right?” Why does she always have to be right?
“I think he got it this time. I’m kind of hoping we can stay friends if I handle it the right way.” I really don’t know if that would be possible if he knew who ‘the other person’ is.
“Quince, this is not going to end well if you don’t tell him about Brody. It might be OK, but that is not how these things usually go.” Yes, I know. It makes me physically ill to think of losing either of them.
My phone rings, and I reach for it. When I see who is calling, I point to my phone and whisper, “Katie”. Jenna’s eyes widen, and she shrugs her shoulders. She thinks I’m too forgiving. And I probably am. It’s hard to explain to someone who hasn’t been there, but it’s even harder to explain to someone who has.
“Hello?” I answer with uncertainty. Our last confrontation is still fresh on my mind, and I hold my breath until she speaks.
“Hey, Quince! Whatcha up to?” It’s the real Katie today. I wonder where she is and how she’s been.
“Oh, just sitting here with Jenna. What’s up?” I fight to keep my voice light, feeling her out.