by Sydney Lane
Brody leans back in his chair, bracing his arm on the back of my chair. Heat radiates throughout my body as he traces lazy circles on my shoulder with his finger. I am lost in the moment when he quickly jerks his hand away and looks behind me. Declan has arrived.
Brody smiles tightly and stands to give Declan a shoulder bump and handshake. Fraternity stuff. They quickly fall into familiar chatter as Declan pulls up a chair and sits across from me. He is simply gorgeous. “Hey, Quince.” His eyes crinkle at the corners as he flashes his beautiful smile and darling dimples.
“Hi, Declan. I’m glad you came.” I wonder if he knew I would be here or if he was hoping to avoid me instead. Things are still strained between us, and I would do anything to erase that. But now is not the time. I can handle them one on one, but both of them together is just too much.
“I had to make sure everyone got home OK.” He shrugs, looking even more adorable. His eyes scan the dance floor then back to me. “Wanna dance?”
Brody scoots his chair closer to the table, and his hand finds its way to my thigh. It burns a hole through my jeans and wrecks havoc on my nerves. My hands shake as I take a long drink from my beer. “Dec, why don’t you have a beer with me first?” Brody rescues me.
I get choked and start coughing. Brody slaps me across the back. “You OK, Quince?” I glare at him. He knows I am not OK. I want to smack that smug look right off his face.
“Yeah. I’m, um, I’m going to dance with Jenna.” When I say her name, she turns to look at me. Her eyes widen as she realizes my predicament. Finally.
Jenna immediately stands and reaches for my hand, pulling me out of my chair. “Oh, yeah, that sounds great! I’ve wanted to dance since we got here!” She’s never going to win an Oscar at this rate.
I look back and forth between Brody and Declan, and I try to paste a smile on my face. I’m pretty sure I look like a carnival clown. I can’t open my mouth, so I give them a small wave and allow Jenna to drag me away.
Once we find a spot to dance, Jenna spins around and pins me with her eyes. She doesn’t even have to speak to get her point across. I should have already cleaned up my mess.
When we start dancing, though, it all fades away. Several songs later, with my arms raised above my head, I tingle with anticipation when a hand runs down my side. Brody. I’d know his touch anywhere. I lean back into him, and his hands rest on my waist. We move together instinctively, as if we’ve danced like this our whole lives.
Eric joins Jenna, and I briefly wonder where Declan is. As the music slows down, I turn to face Brody. For an instant, his eyes are filled with pain, but it is quickly replaced with desire. His eyes burn into me, and I get the feeling he is trying to tell me something.
“Let’s go, babe. Let’s get out of here.” I nod. Giving him my hand, I allow him to pull me off the dance floor. With one hand on the small of my back, he guides me through the crowd and down the stairs. I need to text Jenna so she knows I am leaving.
The night air is cool, and a shiver runs through me as we walk to Brody’s Jeep. I love holding his hand, love the way he looks at me. He leads us to the passenger door, and his hands move to my waist. I think he’s going to give me a boost, but instead, he pushes me against the Jeep. His lips find mine, and I wrap my arms around his neck, pulling him closer.
“Brody! What the hell, man?” Those words are like a cold glass of water thrown in my face. Before I can react, Brody is shoved backwards, and Declan is standing between us. He squares his shoulders, prepared to fight. “What are you doing?”
I run around Declan, separating them. “Declan, stop!” He doesn’t take his eyes off Brody. I’ve never seen him angry, and I am surprised by its intensity.
I watch as his eyes narrow, looking back and forth between us several times. His mind makes the connection, and I see the moment the truth hits him. His eyes land on me, searing me to the bone. “Him? It’s been him this whole time, hasn’t it?” I slowly nod.
Even though I hoped it wouldn’t, I knew this moment would come. I wanted to be the one to tell him the truth, but I waited too long. And now, it’s too late.
“How could you? You were special to me, and all you had to do was tell the truth. I trusted you!” When his face twists in pain, tears reach his eyes. His breathing becomes hard and desperate, and I want so badly to reach out and brush his tears away, to find a way to erase it all. But I caused this. Only I can take responsibility for the lies, the betrayal, and the pain. I was selfish, and now, I will lose it all. I deserve it.
Declan glares over my shoulder at Brody. I cannot see him, and I can’t make myself turn around. “And you! You’re my fucking brother!” His voice is filled with anguish and each word cuts like a knife.
Brody finally speaks, “I didn’t want you to find out like this, Dec, but I love her. And I will do whatever it takes to keep her.”
Declan makes several attempts to speak, but the words get stuck in his throat. Finally, he chokes out, “No. You know what? You two deserve each other.” He wipes his eyes with the back of his hand and walks away. I haven’t said a word.
Several long minutes pass before I feel Brody’s hand on my shoulder. I sink into him, but I can’t force myself to move. Declan hates me. It’s only a matter of time before Brody figures out I’m not worth losing his friends for.
I close my eyes as my body begins to tremble. Brody slowly turns me to face him, embracing me. His voice is full of emotion when he assures me, “Quince, it’s going to be OK. He just needs some time to cool down.”
I am such a dumbass. “Brody, I don’t want to come between you and your fraternity brothers. I was so stupid, and I am the reason this happened. I understand if you don’t want to see me anymore.”
“Babe, you can’t keep breaking something that’s already broken. We are screwed up.” He swings his arms out to his sides as his voice rises. “No, this is screwed up. What we did was wrong, but I meant what I said. I love you, Quince.” When I look into his eyes, I see truth. Lowering his head, he places a soft kiss on my forehead. “We’ll get through this. I promise.”
Even as my heart breaks, his words comfort me. Words that I wanted so badly to hear, tarnished by my betrayal. Tears slowly run down my face as I cling to him. He wipes my tears away, holding me close until I’m ready to move.
Brody helps me into his Jeep, and I stare out the window while he drives. I watch the city lights fly by while the reality of what happened sinks in. As sure as I am of my feelings for Brody, I am sure I’ve lost Declan forever. He will never forgive me. He is so special, so sweet. I wasn’t worthy of him anyway.
When the Jeep turns down the road toward the fraternity house, I sit up straight in my seat. “Brody, I can’t go in there. Please, just take me home.” I can’t imagine running into Declan again tonight.
“Quince, I’m not letting you go home by yourself. His car isn’t even here, and I can take you home early in the morning. Come on, babe.” I know this isn’t a good idea, but he’s right. I do not want to go back to my empty room tonight. I can’t be alone with my thoughts just yet.
The house is mostly empty as we walk through. There are a few guys in the TV room, but they barely notice us as we walk by. Once I’m inside Brody’s room, I finally let out the breath I’ve been holding.
Handing me a t-shirt, Brody undresses completely and slides into bed. I change clothes, send Jenna a text, and turn off the lights. When I lie down beside him, he pulls me close, his arms offering reassurance. “Night, Quince. Try to get some rest.”
A few tears escape my eyes while I wait for sleep to claim me. As I drift off, I repeat these words over and over.
Brody loves me. We’ll get through this.
Chapter 41
When I wake in the morning, my throat feels like sandpaper, and I can barely open my eyes. I carefully unwrap myself from around Brody and sneak out of bed. I need to wash my face and go to the bathroom, but there is no way I’m leaving this room alone. I can’t risk runnin
g into Declan and rubbing salt into his wounds.
I stare at myself in the mirror on Brody’s wall. My face is so swollen, I barely recognize myself. I’m not sure I even know who I am anymore. “Don’t torture yourself, Babe.” I jump as Brody’s words startle me. “I told you. Declan and I are guys. We’ll work it out. He’ll get over it. We just need to give him some time.” I really want to believe him, but the worry in his eyes betrays him.
I am about to do something I have never done. “I’m not going to class today.” I just can’t face Declan yet. I go back to bed and crawl over to Brody, laying my head on his chest.
“Sure. I can dig not leaving this room all day.” The touch of his hands on my body begins to awaken something inside of me. I am appalled that I can feel like this right now, knowing what I’ve done. But I need this. I need him.
Rolling over on top of him, I sit up and straddle Brody’s hips. His blue eyes darken, and he looks up at me with desire and maybe something else. I can already feel him under me, and I adjust my hips so that he fits between my legs. “Oh, Quince, there is so much I want to show you.” He groans when I move my hips against him. His hands encircle my hips, guiding my movements. I lean down to kiss him, my lips trailing from his jaw, down his neck. I even nip his neck with my teeth as he raises his hips to meet mine. He pulls my shirt over my head, leaving me exposed to him. Reaching between our bodies, he rips my panties off in one quick movement.
He slides his hands up my body to cup my breasts. His touch is so gentle, barely whispering over my skin, but it’s pulling me closer to the edge. There is nothing between us, and I can feel him pressing against me. When I raise my hips above him, he adjusts himself, guiding me onto him. This is a new sensation, but I feel empowered as I move my hips. He groans and arches his back off the bed. “God, you feel so good, Quince.”
Brody’s hips rise off the bed, as he guides me into him. We jump headfirst over the edge... together. When I lay down on top of him, he suddenly stills beneath me. “Babe, we didn’t use anything.”
“It’s OK. I’ve been on the pill for a while because of irregular periods.” I really hadn’t known it would make that much of a difference. But it was my way of saying I trust him. Saying that I’m still his.
I hear his breath escape his lips. “Whew. That scared me for a second. I would never want to do anything to hurt you.” I love him, too.
When we clean ourselves up, he leaves to go get breakfast. I watch an episode of The Real World while he is gone, and I wonder where they find these people. You can’t make this shit up.
When he comes back, we sit in bed together and eat our bagels. I get dressed while he watches, and for the first time, I’m not self conscious. I need to get home, but I’m afraid of running into Declan. I chew my lips as my nerves get the best of me.
“Quince, stop. I checked, and he isn’t here. As a matter of fact, the house is mostly empty. We can walk out any time, and no one will see us.” I am relieved for now, but I feel like a criminal, sneaking through the house and out the door.
As soon as we pull up in front of Baxter, I jump out and blow Brody a kiss. He pretends to catch it and press it to his smiling lips. Cheesy but so, so cute. I didn’t know he had that side to him. I can’t believe he ripped my panties off. Again.
Going upstairs, I undress and shower first thing. I wish I could wash the guilt and shame down the drain along with my tears. I cry for the boy whose heart is breaking, and I grieve for what might have been. Now, I will never know.
Jenna left a note on my dresser. ‘Gone to Asheville! Have a good time at home. See you Sunday.’ Gosh, even her handwriting oozes excitement. I smile when I remember our conversation earlier this week. I hope this weekend is everything she wants it to be.
I nap and watch TV for the rest of the day. For a brief moment, I feel guilty for missing class, but I will have to face the world soon or later. And I will. On Monday.
Finally, I decide that I just can’t face my family right now. I have enough problems of my own, and all I need is a Katie freak out. Picking up my phone, I call home and hold my breath.
“Hey, Quincy!” My mom answers the phone, and I’m relieved I won’t have to explain anything to Katie.
“Hey, Mom. I don’t feel well, so I’m just going to stay here this weekend. Maybe next weekend?” Not exactly a lie, but guilt still eats at me.
“Awe, honey, I hope you feel better soon. Do you need anything?” The concern in her voice almost changes my mind. But I know my heart isn’t in it, and I need some time to myself.
“Just some rest, Mom. I’ll call you when I feel better. OK?” I hang up, glad to have that out of the way. I’ll just have to make sure I make it home next weekend.
Brody loves me. Just the thought of it is enough to cause my heart to race against my ribs. My lips curl into a smile, but deep down, I know I don’t deserve this happiness. I can’t let Brody lose his friends because of me. But he doesn’t even seem to be concerned about it.
Declan hates me. And no matter how much I wish I could, I can’t change anything. I’ve really screwed everything up.
My phone rings, and I am bummed to see Katie’s name. Assuming she wants to give me a guilt trip, I send her to voicemail. I barely have time to lay my phone down before she calls again. I send her to voicemail and set my phone to vibrate.
A text alert wakes me up just as I am about to doze off.
Brody: Did you make it home OK?
Me: Decided to stay here
I figure I may as well be honest with somebody. Mom thinks I’m sick. Jenna thinks I went home. And Declan thought I was ‘innocent’.
Brody: I’m on my way 2 get you
I read his message and sit straight up in bed. What?
Me: Staying in 2night. No worries.
Brody: I’m 5 min away. Meet u outside.
Darn, I should have known better. Of course he’s coming to get me. I jump up and change into some yoga pants and a t-shirt. Not much better than my stained PJs, but at least I’m presentable. I brush my hair and teeth and run downstairs.
I spot Brody as soon as I burst out the door. He is standing outside, leaning against the passenger side of his Jeep. He is breathtaking. And he loves me. I don’t know if I’ll ever get used to it.
As soon as he sees me, he opens his arms for me. I run straight to him, gaining strength from his embrace. Maybe I am happy to see him after all.
“Is everything OK? Why didn’t you go home?” His eyes are full of concern. I’ve just wrecked his life, but he’s worried about me? Maybe I just don’t understand men after all.
“I’m fine. I just didn’t feel like going home, you know?” I shrug my shoulders, hoping he doesn’t ask any more questions. I just don’t have the strength to answer them.
“I don’t want you to be alone. Come on. Jump in.” He helps me up into the Jeep, and runs around to get in. He doesn’t say where he’s going, but I recognize the road. He’s taking me back to the fraternity house with him. I immediately stiffen and sit up straighter in my seat. He must notice because he reaches over to rub my knee. “Don’t worry. They all went out to a club, and they won’t be in until late.” I sag in relief, but I know we won’t be able to keep doing this.
“OK. Just for tonight, Brody. After tonight, no more sneaking.” The guilt just keeps piling up. He doesn’t say anything but nods his head as if he agrees.
When the Jeep pulls to a stop, I look down at my phone and see two more missed calls. Katie. What the heck? I’m going to have to call her back tomorrow. I’m sure she’s going to bless me out for not coming home, remind me how selfish I am.
We watch a movie, and I am so exhausted, I fall asleep halfway through the movie. I hear Brody turn off the TV and feel him snuggle in next to me. As he spoons my body, he whispers, “Love you, babe.” I smile and drift away.
Someone is calling my name. I think I’m dreaming, but Brody is shaking me awake. “Baby, your phone is ringing. It’s your mom.” When he han
ds it to me, my eyes adjust to the darkness, and I manage to read the time. 3:00am.
I sit straight up in bed and say, “She’s dead.”
Brody sits up behind me, placing his hand on my shoulder. “What? Babe, I think you were dreaming. Answer your phone.” A sense of dread penetrates every cell in my body. For a moment, I think that if I don’t answer it, I can hide from the truth.
“Mom?” Please, please don’t say it.
“She’s dead, Quincy. Oh, my God, Katie is dead!” The air rushes out of my lungs, and I cannot speak. I open my mouth, but no words come out. Brody shifts in the bed, turning on a lamp. Finally, catching my breath, my incoherent words catch on a sob. My mother’s anguish bleeds through the phone, and I have no words of comfort for the woman who brought me into this world. For a moment, I cannot hear anything. I have been expecting this call for most of my life. But it is now that I realize that you can expect something but never really be prepared for it.
I close my eyes and hope that when I open them, I will be just waking from a nightmare. My mother’s frantic words penetrate the fog. “Quincy, did you hear me?”
Finding my voice, I yell, “No! Please, no!” Tears begin rolling down my face, and Brody wraps his arms around me. “What happened, Mom?” Every breath is a conscious decision.
“She did it! She killed herself!” When she begins to cry, I lose it. Brody pulls me to him, but I push him away. I fight him. I do not want him touching me. All I really want to do is run. The more I fight, the more he holds on until I finally can’t fight any longer. I relax into him, and he takes the phone from my hand.
“Mrs. Priest, this is Brody. I’m a friend of Quincy’s. What do I need to do?” For one insane moment, I have the irrational thought that my mom will know where I am and what I’ve been doing.