The Love Letters

by Beverly Lewis

  Even so, Small Jay wished he could surprise Mamma and buy her a cookie, too, what with all the standing ahead of her today. She had packed a nice lunch for both of them, but Small Jay doubted there were cookies this big in his lunch pail. He thought of breaking the cookie in half, right down the middle. Jah, that’s a wonderful-gut idea. He could just imagine the smile on his mother’s heart-shaped face.

  After making his purchase, Small Jay stopped halfway back to Mamma’s long market table, freezing in place. Just ahead of him, three tables away, stood Gracie Yoder with her mother and a makeshift double stroller, where Gracie’s identical baby sisters sat, shaking matching rattles and drooling. Staring, he guessed they were about the same age as Angela Rose. And oh, did he ever want to walk over there and talk to Gracie, but like always, his knees locked up and he stood there, stock-still, unable to move or speak.

  He thought again of Boston’s advice. He wracked his brain, but his mind was blank. He supposed he might still be standing in that very spot when he was all hunched over and gray, not budging a single inch for decades to come.

  Small Jay never would have admitted it, but he felt tormented. Here was the girl of his dreams, beautiful, petite Gracie Yoder, and all he could do was stare at her.

  Then Boston’s words came to him, tickling his ears. “Venture forth boldly!”

  Of course that meant Small Jay must pick up his feet and walk over there, put a smile on his face, and let her know he thought she was simply wonderful. But the notion turned his mouth to cotton. He couldn’t even swallow!

  “We’re haunted most by the things we never attempt.” Boston’s words flew back now, strong and clear.

  Small Jay was so tired of being dragged down by his own disbelief, being too afraid to attempt something big.

  It worked just fine with Dat last night, he remembered suddenly. So why not now, with Gracie?

  He filled his lungs with air and stepped forward, moving now. It was all happening. He could see Gracie quietly listening to their mothers as the two women conversed. Now and then, Gracie would smile down at her baby sisters, touching their chubby cheeks with her fingers.

  But in that instant, she looked up, right his way.

  Now, he told himself. Do something!

  Small Jay raised his right hand, his arm ever so heavy. And he waved.

  Time seemed to stop as he held his breath. Then, wonder of wonders, Gracie Yoder waved back. And smiled!

  His legs trembled. But instead of moving forward to talk to her, he turned and headed for the water fountain one aisle over. The cotton in his mouth needed drenching—and he needed air. “I did it,” he managed to whisper.

  Glory be!

  Marlena kept thinking about Angela Rose—the baby powdery smell of her, the adorable grin—as Mammi sold jar after jar of strawberry jam at market. Marlena made change and gave bills of sale to patrons, all the while hoping Dorcas Bitner wouldn’t be discouraged about losing her weekly babysitting job once Angela was taken away by her paternal grandparents.

  After a while, Marlena saw Sarah Mast and her mother walking the aisles—“stretching our legs,” Sarah told her with a smile. It was then Marlena learned that Ellie Bitner was disbanding her sewing classes. “The news came rather suddenly, too,” Sarah informed her.

  Marlena was sorry to hear it and wondered if it had anything to do with what she’d heard from Mammi about Roman’s being finicky, not wanting his family rubbing shoulders with others who were attending a more progressive church. “He’s never gotten over Ellie’s sister and family leaving the Old Order church,” her grandmother had observed.

  Mammi encouraged Marlena to visit with Sarah for a bit, so the two of them wandered about. “How are ya comin’ along with your piecework for the baby’s quilt?” Sarah asked.

  “I’ve only had a little time here and there. Really, I’ve just started.”

  “Would ya like some help with it?”

  Marlena said she would and felt comfortable enough to share that Angela Rose would most likely be leaving to live with Luella’s in-laws. “No doubt I’ll be able to focus more on the quilt then, even with all the gardening and canning.”

  “Oh, you’ll miss the little one. How soon?”

  Marlena looked away and pressed her lips together.

  “Ach, this is hard for ya.” Sarah touched Marlena’s arm.

  Sarah hadn’t continued, or brought up Luella’s passing, and Marlena was glad. It was bad enough feeling like this in public, barely able to rein in her emotions. If she’d been back at Mammi’s house, she would have much preferred to go and sit in the gazebo or on the second-story balcony and quietly gaze out at the clouds or the horizon. Truly, she never knew when the heaviness of grief might crash down upon her.

  She and Sarah ended up strolling outside, leaving behind the flurry of activity. “Luella and I didn’t get along very well when we were young,” Marlena eventually admitted. “But I honestly believe the Lord wants me to take care of her baby, perhaps as a way of forgiving my sister.” She inhaled slowly. “Does that make sense?”

  Sarah nodded.

  “But even though I feel strongly ’bout it, everything seems out of my control now,” Marlena admitted. “I’m afraid Angela will be gone very soon.”

  Sarah studied her, eyes squinting. “I understand why you feel that way. But none of this is out of God’s hands.”

  “I’ll try to remember.” Marlena appreciated Sarah’s kindness and her sympathy. “I don’t know how to thank you,” she said, biting her lip.

  “What if I drop by next Wednesday mornin’?” Sarah asked. “Would that suit ya?”

  “I’ll be home and . . .” She paused, not sure she could voice the words.

  “Will Angela Rose be gone by then?”

  Marlena nodded her answer, tears coming fast.

  “All the better, then.” Sarah gave her a smile. “Laying out her quilt might just keep your thoughts occupied. And I’ll bring along a delicious dessert, too.”

  Marlena agreed. “You’re a gut friend, Sarah. Denki.”

  On the ride back from market, Vernon had Mammi sit up front to make it easier to get in and out of the vehicle. Marlena sat behind her, next to Ellie Bitner and her son, who were also sharing the ride with a few others. Ellie explained that she’d had to call for a ride with another driver this morning, since Vernon’s vehicle was full.

  As they talked, Ellie offered no reason why she’d canceled the sewing classes, only said she wasn’t able to continue. Marlena decided not to bring up her plans to work on Angela’s crib quilt with Sarah Mast. Besides, Ellie seemed rather detached, and Marlena assumed she was worn out from the day. Either that, or Ellie was less willing to talk openly with Marlena. Maybe it was Roman who put a damper on things.

  During the trip, they passed a young Amish boy on a scooter clear in the middle of the right lane. Vernon slowed up and steered the van around him, into the oncoming lane. Farther up the road, five barefoot Amish youngsters strolled along, two with fishing poles slung over their shoulders. Small Jay pressed his nose against the window, staring out.

  “There are quite a few children out playing today, or tending roadside vegetable stands,” Marlena commented.

  “Well, it’s so warm,” Ellie replied. “And this time of year, the youngest neighbor kids go from one vegetable stand to another. Say, I’ve noticed the Millers down the hill have a big produce stand out again this summer.”

  “Do ya ever see Rosanna?”

  “Oh, haven’t ya heard? She’s gone fancy and owns a restaurant in Maryland—just think of that. And word has it she wrote a book about growing up Plain.”

  Marlena stared at her in astonishment. “Truly? My friend Rosanna?”

  “I got it straight from her mother,” Ellie confirmed, nodding.

  Marlena shook her head. “Who would’ve thought Rosanna could sit still long enough to write a book.”

  Ellie tsk-tsked. “Guess we never really know what’s goin’ on inside an
other’s head, jah?”

  Marlena let Ellie’s gossip roll right off and thought of Luella. More than anything, right this minute, Marlena longed to lay eyes on her sister’s darling little Angela Rose.

  Chapter 31

  Until the ministerial brethren arrived that Lord’s Day morning, Small Jay waited with his father and uncles in a line of men in the front yard of the Bitners’ farmhouse. Boston stood with them, too, looking nearly the same as the others in his new white shirt and black suspenders, trousers, and vest. The only difference was the graying moustache, which Small Jay had forgotten to tell him to shave. Even Boston’s short beard contributed to his Plain appearance—a few weeks’ growth, nice and thick. Boston’s straw hat sat flat on his head, parallel to the ground, just like Small Jay had suggested.

  When the bishop, two preachers, a visiting minister, and the deacon took their places at the head of the long line, the oldest men began to move up the front porch steps and into the large room, made larger by removing the wall partitions, which Dat and his brothers had done yesterday. As they filed in, Small Jay and then Boston removed their straw hats like the other men, placing them on a wooden bench. Today Small Jay had permission to sit with Boston in the back, with the other unbaptized men, and facing the women and girls and little children. The preachers would take turns standing in the narrow gap between the two sides of the congregation.

  Small Jay spotted Luke Mast’s cousin Paul, a couple of years older. Seeing Paul made Small Jay wonder how Shredder was getting along. Well, King. He guessed no return of the black cat was a good sign. Small Jay craned his neck to spot his father, rows ahead. He thinks Shredder up and ran off. And all the better!

  Across the way, Small Jay could see Mamma and his sisters sitting together in the same row amongst the womenfolk. Then, goodness, he spotted Gracie’s mother right behind Mamma, and Gracie, too, holding one of the twins. Right in my view, he thought, smiling as he bowed his head, trying to be reverent. Slowly, he inched to the right on the wooden bench, thinking it might remedy the distraction. Now hopefully he wouldn’t be looking in Gracie’s direction for three and a half hours. Though I wouldn’t mind, especially after yesterday at market. . . .

  As it turned out, halfway through the first of two sermons, Boston fell asleep and nearly lost his balance when his head bobbed forward. He would surely have tumbled off the bench if Small Jay hadn’t reached for Boston’s elbow. The young man nearest him gave Small Jay a look, and, mighty embarrassed, Small Jay slid down on his backside, trying to make himself smaller.

  At last all was well again. Oh, did he ever hope neither Gracie nor the preacher, for that matter, had noticed the disturbance.

  But as the sermon progressed, Boston remained sound asleep, leaning now against Small Jay, who shivered in horror as the man began to sniff and then snort like a pig. Small Jay shrunk lower with each embarrassing sound, his face reddening when he noticed Gracie stretching taller in her seat, eyes wide, moving her head to get a better view of the commotion.

  Boston’s grunts grew louder, becoming a garbled throaty snore. En Schnaixe! Annoyed, the minister paused in his preaching, and Small Jay assumed it was up to him to poke Boston. Well, he did just that, but only lightly the first time, which bought only a momentary reprieve.

  The second time the same thing happened, Small Jay jabbed Boston in the ribs. Unfortunately, this created even more of a scene when Boston gasped for air and burst into song—an unrecognizable melody, at that.

  “Take him outside,” one of the more devout teen boys whispered, tapping Small Jay on the shoulder.

  Small Jay had never felt so self-conscious, and he did as he was told and quietly spoke to Boston about leaving.

  Awake now, Boston rose with Small Jay. “What an exceedingly short sermon,” Boston declared loud enough to be heard in the entire men’s section. This was met by a wave of muffled snickers from die Youngie nearest them.

  Freckle-faced Danny Glick caught Small Jay’s eye and pulled a face. I’ll never hear the end of this! Small Jay thought, mortified as he led Boston to the kitchen area and out to sit on the back porch. From there, he could hear the preacher resume his sermon. “Ain’t a sin to fall asleep in church,” Small Jay said quietly.

  Boston looked at him, bemused.

  Small Jay continued. “One of my uncles has a way of makin’ his church naps look downright pious. You honestly can’t tell he’s sleeping, ’cause he props his head up with his hand.”

  “Like this?” Boston demonstrated.

  Trying not to smile too broadly on the Lord’s Day, Small Jay nodded. He wondered if Gracie Yoder would think well of him for helping Boston. Or would she be shocked that Boston had come to Preaching service at all?

  Such thoughts beset him while he sat with Boston, who promptly fell back to sleep, his right fist propping up his jaw. Small Jay strained to hear the preacher. Not succeeding, he thought of every rote prayer he’d ever learned from Mamma and then added one of his own. O Lord God, if it is Thy will, let my father realize that I’m a hard worker. Open his eyes to see that I ain’t a little boy anymore. Also, may Dat not be so sorry he’s only got one son . . . ’specially one like me.

  Marlena felt like she was on pins and needles during the ride home with Mammi and Angela Rose from the Mennonite meetinghouse, just waiting for Gordon’s parents to arrive and pierce through the fiber of her heart. Mamma hadn’t written or called yet, and the hours were marching by. Marlena didn’t know whether to pack Angela’s things or wait till the Munroes came. She felt uneasy not knowing how to plan.

  Just east of Mammi’s house, she pointed out the many gray buggies parked along the side of Roman Bitner’s place. “Looks like our neighbors are hosting church,” Marlena said as they turned off the road toward Mammi’s.

  “Such a lot of work for Ellie and her family to prepare,” Mammi said, pulling slowly into the drive and turning off the ignition.

  “Her daughters are still young, but I’m sure they helped with the cleaning and the food for the shared meal.”

  “Can’t say I miss the days of hosting such a large crowd . . . ’least not at my age.” Mammi shook her head and glanced over at Marlena as she slipped the car key into her purse. “Did ya know your Dawdi and I hosted Bible studies here at the house? Sometimes we were packed to the rafters.”

  Marlena wasn’t sure she’d ever heard this. At the time, though, it might not have been something her parents wanted her or her siblings to know. Might’ve triggered too many questions about attending Bible studies, she guessed. Back in those days, Marlena’s parents wouldn’t have dreamed of going to such gatherings.

  Mammi looked over at her. “You must be stewing ’bout Angela Rose, honey-girl. I can sense it.”

  “I just wish Mamma would’ve called by now to give us some idea ’bout when.”

  “I ’spected so. But every extra minute is a pleasant one, jah?” Mammi glanced at Angela Rose, who sucked on her fingers. “A gift of sorts.”

  They headed inside, and Marlena got Angela settled into Ellie’s loaned high chair before making ham and Swiss cheese sandwiches for them. She took the strawberry Jell-O from the icebox.

  Mammi prayed the blessing, asking the Lord to bring calm to Marlena’s heart and fill the house with peace.

  “I felt God’s presence strongly in church today,” Marlena confessed.

  “Oh, honey . . .” Mammi’s face beamed.

  “I truly believe He’s callin’ me to take care of Angela Rose, Mammi. I just don’t understand what it all means . . . ’specially not right now.”

  “Well, we must take one step at a time and keep clingin’ to His hand. That’s a gut reminder for me, too.”

  Marlena nodded and smiled at Angela, who was patting her tray with one dimpled hand and waving her teething ring with the other.

  “Can I ask ya something, Mammi?”

  Her grandmother nodded. “Of course, dear. What is it?”

  “Well, we Plain folk live and breathe to
serve the same Lord God heavenly Father, don’t we?”

  “Jah, and seek to please Him in all that we do and say,” Mammi said.

  “Then what ’bout the difference in things like the length and color of our dresses, or how we get around town? What does the Lord think of all that?”

  Mammi glanced toward the window, then back at Marlena. “Seems to me, things like that—whether or not Amish or Mennonite farmers use tractors out in the field or to fill silo, or what sort of Kapp a woman wears—well, I don’t see how any of that’ll matter much in heaven.” She smiled and fanned her face. “Here’s what I believe’s really important. Do we follow God’s ways with all that is in us? Have we opened up our sin-sick souls to the grace and redemption of our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ?”

  Marlena felt the now-familiar tug in her heart. And as she thought on what Mammi had said, she realized it sounded quite a lot like the way her friends Luke and Sarah talked, as well.

  How’d I miss this my whole life?

  ———

  After the dishes were washed and Angela was already napping, Marlena’s mother phoned. “I just knew it was you,” Marlena told Mamma.

  “Why, ’cause my mother’s praying ’bout it?” Mamma asked, her voice almost teasing.

  “The Lord seems to answer Mammi Janice’s prayers, that’s for sure.”

  Mamma laughed softly, agreeing. “Well, dear, as you might imagine, Gordon’s parents are devastated by the news of their son being missing in the midst of that war. Right now they’re in shock . . . and tryin’ to sort things out. Patricia called to ask on their behalf if you wouldn’t mind keepin’ Angela Rose for a while longer.”

  Marlena’s heart skipped a beat. “I’d love to, Mamma. I really would.”

  “Oh, honey, that’s so gut of you. If needed, you and I can set up a nursery for Angela here when you return home at summer’s end.”