by J. L. Ostle
I feel sick to my stomach.
I sit on the floor, letting the water fall over me. I can’t keep having these dreams of my past; it’s like a horror movie, waiting for the monster to finally show up. The build-up on what’s to come. I’m not sure how long I stay in the shower, but when I notice my fingers went a little pruney, I step out, placing a soft pink towel around me and head to the living room. I sit on the couch and flick the television on.
I’m not in the mood to watch anything but the background noise helps. I look at the time and see it's after three in the morning. It’s been twenty-four hours since I last saw Jonny. I left during his release. He has sent me texts and voicemails, the voicemails I won’t listen to, but I do text him, telling him I’m fine but I need to be on my own. I told him I just want some ‘me’ time.
He probably thinks I’m trying to avoid him, which I am, but I don’t want him to think that I am, or that I’m upset, angry or even jealous about what happened. I’m none of those things. I’m just trying to get my thoughts together and when I’m around him, there're only certain thoughts that run through my head; friendship, sex, or annoyance. How can I feel all those things about him? It doesn’t make sense but it’s how I feel.
I walk back to my room to grab my phone and sit back on the couch. I scroll through the names and finally text one that I know will help me in my hour of need.
Me: I need to talk to you, you still awake?
I wait patiently and after five minutes, my phone lights up with a reply.
Caron: I am now, will be up in two minutes, hang balls x
I chuckle and place my phone on the coffee table in front of me and watch an episode of Friends. I’m watching the one where Chandler smokes and Monica is trying for a baby. I can’t help but laugh as Chandler tells everyone that she used him for sex even though they are married. I’m getting into the show when Caron knocks on my door and walks in, using the spare key I gave her.
“Okay, this better be good, I was trying to dream about Damon Salvatore.” She plunks herself next to me.
“I had another dream, I woke up covered in sweat. I would have gone to the dance studio but it’s not open yet.” I hold onto my towel tighter.
“So I’m second choice to a dance studio, that’s good to know.” She chuckles at me; I throw the cushion near me at her.
“You know what I mean, I wouldn’t have woken you up so early if it was open. I just need to vent this out or I will go insane.” I use my fingers to roll circles around my temple.
“You’re probably insane anyway, but I’m glad you texted me, I know how scary you get when you start dancing; you push yourself too hard to the point you can’t even stand. So tell me about this dream, what was it about?” She tucks her legs under her, like me. I wonder how much I want to tell her.
“It’s a dream about my past. It was an innocent moment, but something happened that changed that, made that innocent memory not so innocent anymore, it's tarnished. I think about it now and I think about how naïve I was.” I shake my head, the memory flashing through my head again.
“You going to tell me what happened that made this innocent moment bad?” I look at her and feel tears prickle my eyes. Why can’t I just say the words? Just tell her what happened? I think if I do, it will make it even more real.
“I’m not ready to talk about it, I think I could be, eventually, but not yet.” I wipe the tears that have fallen away.
“You can tell me when you’re ready, there is no rush.” She scoots in close to me, putting her arm around my shoulder, holding me.
“I asked you to come here and I won’t tell you what’s really wrong, how can you not be irritated with me?”
“Because you needed me; it’s my duty to be here for you, even if it’s just to tell you things will be alright, as they will. You will conquer whatever is giving you these dreams eventually and kick its ass and when you do, I will be here, ready to listen. Yes, I’m curious about what happened, but I will never push for you to talk about it.” She holds me tighter.
“Thank you, Caron.”
“Anytime. Now, let’s watch a few hours of Friends and have a cat nap before we have our final exams.” I giggle and nod my head. We watch Friends back to back for the rest of the night and into the morning.
I place my pen down on my exam sheet and stretch out my body. I’m done. Four years of college and I’m finally done. I look around the room and see other students still working away, and an odd few who, just like me, are glad to be finished. I look over at Caron and she still doing hers. I hope she’s doing okay.
I slouch a little down my chair and lean my head back as I try and relax, waiting for her to finish. I don’t mind waiting, I know she would kick my ass if I left without her. I just can’t wait to walk out of here, walk away from being a college student. We still have a graduation ceremony to get through, but after this, that’s it. I see Caron gathering her things so I stand, gathering mine. Caron bangs into me, acting like she is going to fall so I have to hold her heavy body as she groans into me.
“You weigh a ton, stand up you looney.” I laugh at her as she stands.
“That was torture, how dare they make our last exam doubly as hard as all the other tests?” she groans.
“Because, they wanted to hurt us by using whatever brain cells we have on that test.” She links her arm with mine and we walk out, heading to the quad. We walk past people who are already celebrating and a few who are moaning who still have exams left.
“So glad I’m not them. If I tried to push any more knowledge in my head, it would literally explode.” We get to the quad and sit down against a thick tree. I look up into the sky and close my eyes, savouring this moment.
“I can’t believe that’s it now. No more studying, no more teachers, no more tests. After we get our degrees, it’s just us, out in that big scary world.” I can’t help but yawn and Caron laughs at me.
“I would have taken you more seriously if it wasn’t for that yawn.” She chuckles. “I can’t believe I have been up since three this morning.”
“We took a nap,” I tell her.
“Yeah for like forty-five minutes, it probably took me at least fifteen to just get to sleep. I am so sleeping when I get home. Want to come nap at my place? No funny business, though.” We both laugh.
“I will try and contain myself, but yeah, I could do with some sleep. Maybe if I sleep somewhere else, I won’t get any more bad dreams.” I stand and she follows.
“I’m like a big teddy bear, just think of me as your human dreamcatcher, no bad dreams for you. Now let’s go before I pass out on the grass.” She links her arm with mine again and we start heading to the parking lot when I see Jonny and Alan walking our way. I hate how uncomfortable I feel now. Jonny is my best friend, there’s nothing he has done or I haven’t seen that has made me see him differently to the point I can’t talk to him. Jonny looks at me and I try and keep my eyes on him, but I just feel awkward.
“Hi Raven, Caron,” Jonny speaks.
“Jonny, Alan, where you two heading?” Caron asks them.
“Exam time, we have this and another tomorrow. Where you two going?” Alan asks. Jonny and I just keep looking at each other or at the ground.
“We just finished our last exam, so we’re heading over to my place to sleep. Drained and all that.” I mentally thank her for not mentioning being up because of me.
“Lucky. Well, I guess we’ll see you later.” We say our goodbyes and start heading our separate ways. I keep walking but I can’t help but to turn around and when I do, Jonny is already looking at me.
Raven
I’m sitting on the floor with my legs stretched out and split apart as I move my body forward, stretching out my limbs. I sit back up and lean back, doing a backward crab position until I feel my body has loosened up a little. I turn to Caron and her mouth is dangling open.
“You can catch flies if you leave your mouth open like that.”
“I can’t b
elieve how flexible you are. I bet when you do land a guy, he is going to love having sex with you.” I shake my head at her.
“Yeah, that’s why I do this, to impress a guy with my splits.” With a smile, I head to the CD player and put on Flo Rida Whistle and step to the middle of the floor and when the music kicks in, I start to move my body.
I move my hips and then start twirling around, using the space around me. I’m good at ballet but I try to add more of a freestyle to it to make it look more interesting. I’ve watched movies on rappers and how they move like in the movie Save the Last Dance. I try and mesh both dance styles together.
I let my mind go and just concentrate on the song. I’m no longer in the studio, I don’t notice anyone watching, I just move. I’m in my very own world. I feel my body start to relax, feeling at peace once again. I stop and start dancing seductively and I hear Caron giggle, I can’t help but smile but I continue.
Hearing her in my world feels right; I’m glad that I am finally letting her in. I never liked people watching me, I don’t like to be judged on the one thing I love doing, but she has been there for me. I want to show her what I do when I feel like my head is about to explode.
I slowly walk to the middle of the floor again, I place my arms out and go on one foot and I start to spin on the spot. I turn and turn; I keep spinning until the song ends. I finish with one foot forward and the other behind and raise my arms in the air. I hear cheering and clapping and I turn to see Caron beaming at me.
“Holy shit, that was amazing. I can’t believe you can move like that. You should go on Americas Got Talent or something. That was seriously amazeballs.” I laugh and bend forward a little, getting my breathing under control.
“I don’t think Simon would let me through.” I stand up and lift one leg behind me and stretch it and do the same to the other.
“Like hell, he would press that yellow button for this. That was seriously… words can’t even describe it. I thought ballet was boring but how you improvised with more up-to-date moves, it kicked ass. Plus, you looked happy.” She is still smiling at me.
“Glad you enjoyed it, at least you know what I do here now.” I go to the CD player and pause it.
“I knew you danced, it’s not like I thought you were doing illegal substances, just happy I could finally see you in action. You should think about doing this professionally.” I open my mouth to reply when I hear a familiar voice.
“I agree, you were perfect.” I turn to see the same woman who was here a few days ago. “Sorry to interrupt, but your friend is right, you should be on stage, sharing your gift with the world.” She walks towards us.
“Linda right?” She nods. “What are you doing here?” I ask her.
“I know the owner. I was walking past and couldn’t help but watch once I knew it was you in here.” I look her up and down. Her hair is perfectly tied up in a neat bun on top of her head and she is wearing a black pantsuit today.
“Well, hope you enjoyed the show.” I hope she takes the hint and goes.
“I’m sorry to be forward, but have you even thought about doing this for a living? Do you go to dance school? Take classes?” I shake my head.
“I took classes when I was younger but haven’t for three years. Like I said last time, I just do this for fun.
“Amazing, your technique is flawless. I don’t really do this, but with you, I like to make an exception. I have my own dance company, and I would love for you to come join us.” I look at her in shock.
“You want me to join your company and dance? As in a job?” I can’t get my head around this. Yeah, when I was younger I wanted to be a professional ballerina, but I knew that would never happen, and now my body isn’t what it used to be.
“Yes, I think you would love it. You get to travel the world, dance in front of thousands of people…” she trails off.
“Have you looked at me, though?” I sweep my hand up and down my body. “I haven’t got a ballerina’s body anymore, and like hell, will I starve myself to fit into the perfect role.” She puts her hands up in surrender to stop me.
“I’m not asking you to. My company is different to others; I don’t let dancers in just because they are the stereotypical picture of what a ballerina should look like. If you show passion, emotion, love for the dance, I let you in. With you, I can’t keep my eyes off you, I know others will feel the same.” I stand there, frozen. Just an hour ago, I didn’t know what to do with my future and now it’s like fate is knocking on my door and waiting for me to answer.
“Holy crap, Raven, you have to say yes, dance is in your blood, you would be doing the one thing you love for the rest of your life.” Caron grabs my arm, jumping up and down in excitement. Why aren’t I just as excited?
“Is it okay if I think it over? It’s just a little sudden.”
“But Raven…” Caron looks at me like I have grown two heads.
“No, I understand, it’s a big step. Here is my card.” She hands me her business card. “Just call me when you know an answer, even if it’s a no, but I hope you agree.” I nod my head in understanding. She starts to leave but turns when she reaches the door. “Oh, we leave in a couple of weeks back to Detroit, where my academy is located, so I will need an answer by then.”
“I will let you know.” She gives me a smile and leaves and I finally let out the breath I was holding in.
“What the hell? She was offering your dream on a silver plate and you have to think about it? What is there to think about?” I look to her and she sighs. “Jonny.” I nod my head. “He will be happy for you. You know he just wants you to be happy, he will be okay with it.” I know he will let me go, but even though we aren’t talking at the moment, am I willing to leave him?
“I know, it’s just a lot to think about. Let me just do one more dance and then we can head back to your place and talk about it more.” I walk back to the CD player.
“You’re only wanting to go back to mine because you’re still avoiding him.” I look in the mirror and see her reflection, I shrug.
“I’m just not ready to talk to him yet.”
“Are you going to tell me what he did that was so bad?”
“If I told you, you may think of me differently.” I press play and turn up the volume so she can’t reply. Lady Gaga Alejandro plays.
I love Lady Gaga; she seriously kicks ass. I close my eyes and take in a deep breath and start moving my body. This time, it’s slower. I move my lips to the words as I dance, and as the music picks up at the choruses, my favorite parts, I really go for it. I stretch my leg to my side so it touches my head and release it, and do a run and jump, my legs doing the splits as I’m in mid-air. Could I do this for the rest of my life? I know I could. But it’s what I will be leaving behind. I continue dancing, trying to block out my thoughts but one word repeats in my head.
Jonny.
Jonny
Age 15
“Come on sweetie, Mom needs us to go back to her friend’s house and I’m sure Cheryl will be there.” I can’t help but smile. Cheryl is one of Moms friend’s daughters and she is so beautiful and sweet. Like and angel.
“Okay, let me go grab my pad and pencils, just in case I get bored,” I smirk at her and she laughs at me, shaking her head.
Mom goes to her friend’s house every now and then and takes me. Dad normally is working so I think she goes there to have some adult time. She always leaves me for a couple of hours so she can talk ‘shop’ as she puts it. I don’t mind, the place is nice and I love looking out into the garden and drawing the different types of flowers.
I grab my things and Mom is standing near the door waiting. Her long blonde hair is down and she looks pretty as always. I love my mom dearly. I love my dad, too, but Mom actually spends time with me. Mom drives us to her friend’s place, and like us, they have money too. The house is massive, well-kept front and back garden. The perfect home.
We head to the front door and it opens before we get to the steps. One of M
om’s friends, Lilly, stands there smiling at us. Lilly is roughly Mom’s age. She has short brown hair and is attractive for her age.
“Hey, you made it. Nice to see you again Johnathan.” She walks to me, giving me a hug.
“Nice to see you again, is Cheryl here?” I ask her and she gives me a knowing smile.
“She is talking with someone but she won’t be long, why don’t you wait in the lounge, would love to see more of your art today.” She walks me inside the house. There are pictures of Lilly and her family all over the walls with paintings that are so remarkable they just take your breath away.
“Thank you.” I open the double doors and take a seat, looking around the perfect garden. There are so many different types of flowers out here, from the normal to the exotic.
“Will you be okay, if I go talk to Lilly for a while?” I turn to my mom and smile at her.
“I will be fine, you go have fun, I have my muse calling out to me, and Cheryl will be joining me soon, so go talk about the girly stuff.” I shoo her away, but she walks to me, kissing the top of my head and lifting my chin up with her thumb and index finger.
“You are such a good boy. I will be back soon.” She places her hand on my cheek and gives me a smile before walking off with Lilly.
I open my pad and go to a blank piece of paper and start to draw. I draw a flower that’s still in bloom. I draw the outline, making sure I get every detail, every shade. I concentrate on each aspect and before long, I am almost finished. I look at my watch to see an hour has passed. I wonder where Cheryl is. I put my things down and stand, stretching, as my body now feels a little numb.
I don’t normally walk around the house but I’m sure Lilly won’t mind if I go to look for Cheryl, maybe she doesn’t know that I’m here. If she is still busy I will just tell her I will be in the garden. I look everywhere on the ground floor but nothing, so I take the stairs to the first floor and start looking through doors. I get to the last one and place my hand on the door knob, opening it up.