The Surgeon's Love-Child

by Lilian Darcy

  Not anyone else. Him. He was different to any other man. This was different to how she'd ever felt with Todd.

  Better. More intense. More magical.

  Candace felt the insistence of his arousal nudging against the heat of her groin and the push of her breasts against his chest, and it was so sweet, so necessary, when she hadn't touched him for more than ten days, that she could only give in to it, drink it up and hold onto it.

  'You sounded very certain just now,' she managed to whisper.

  'Of course I'm certain!' he whispered huskily back. 'Do you think I'm going to walk away from this just because we're having a trivial fight?'

  'It's not trivial, is it? We both said some harsh things.'

  'We're both under a lot of strain.' Steve brushed his nose across hers, then drank hungrily from her lips, closed his eyes and slid his hands up her bare thighs, taking her skirt with him so that its light, billowy folds screened the intimate movements of his fingers against her body.

  'And what's "this", Steve? You said you needed "this".'

  He stilled, took his hands away. Her skirt fell. 'This,' he said. 'What we have.'

  'What do we have?' She took a deep breath, which she willed to be steady.

  'Why do I have to answer that?' he returned impatiently. 'And why do I have to answer it now! Do you have an answer? We have this intensity, this way of getting on with each other... We have a baby coming, who might need a huge amount of extra care. We have lives in opposite hemispheres.'

  'Yes, and—'

  'And against all that, we have this. This! I don't know what it is! If you have a suggestion, a definition, then I'm all ears.'

  'I—I don't,' she admitted.

  'So don't expect answers from me! I'm thinking one day—one hour—at a time at the moment. I try and think beyond the test result, but I can't. Can you?'

  'No. But, Steve, I've made my decision.' There was both defiance and appeal in her voice.

  Candace loosed herself from his arms, stepped back and lifted her head, waiting for him to ask what her decision was.

  He didn't. He just watched her for a moment and nodded slowly. Following the downward flick of his gaze, she realised that he didn't need to ask. Her body language said it all. Unconsciously, she had flattened one hand across her lower stomach. He'd mentioned the gesture just a few moments ago. She was protecting their child as she would protect it from now on, no matter what.

  Would she be protecting it alone? Neither of them knew.

  I was crazy to think I'd be able do it, she chided herself. Immerse myself in him the way I did, and still walk away, untouched, when my year was up, taking our memories with me like a stack of photo albums.

  Even if I hadn't got pregnant I couldn't have done it. Even if the very worst happens, and the test does show something so seriously and fatally wrong that we do opt for a termination, my awareness of it will always be there. We created a baby together. We suffered through this wait together.

  'What you said about not phoning...' she said slowly.

  'Probably wasn't fair,' he conceded.

  'I guess I've still felt connected to you even when we haven't talked. Because I knew you had to be still thinking about it. When I saw you in surgery on Tuesday, it was obvious your nights have been as sleepless as mine.'

  'Next time you're awake at two in the morning, come over and throw some pebbles against my window,' he teased. 'I'll be waiting.'

  'Couldn't I just come to the front door?' Her laugh was almost a sob.

  'Whatever you want, Candace,' he said. 'I just need you, OK? I'm not defining it, I'm not quantifying it. But I need you.'

  So they got through the rest of the barbecue and the rest of the day, and she sneaked out that night when Maddy was asleep and went to Steve's place. They made love in front of some terrible fifty-year-old B movie on late night television, said all the same things they'd said to each other before, drank some hot chocolate and then just held each other.

  And the holding was the only thing that really counted.

  * * *

  Elaine West was one of the last passengers off her flight to emerge from Customs the following Friday morning. As always, however, she emerged immaculate in every detail, from her tiny diamond earrings to her Italian leather shoes. At sixty-eight, in black trousers, a silk blouse, an elegant jacket and the perfect scarf, she was, as ever, the best-dressed woman Candace knew.

  'No, the flight wasn't horrible at all,' she insisted airily after they'd hugged with greedy pressure. 'It's all common sense. Drink lots of fluids and walk up and down the aisles. Besides, I got an upgrade to first class,' she finished with a guilty smile, just when Candace was about to conclude that her mother really was inhumanly poised and perfect.

  'So you really didn't need a weekend in a nice hotel in Sydney to recover before we drive down to Narralee?' Candace enquired deliberately.

  An iron grip landed on her wrist.

  'Darling, believe me, I need the hotel,' Elaine said. 'And it has to be a proper hotel, you know that, don't you? Not one of those ghastly bed-and-breakfasts that you like. I want anonymity and room service, not hand-quilted cushions. I've got those at home.'

  Candace grinned. 'Don't worry, it's all taken care of. Maddy and I stayed there last night as well.'

  'You'll love it, Grammy, and it's on the nineteenth floor,' Maddy said.

  The further from the ground, the better, as far as Elaine was concerned.

  'So we can go straight there?'

  'Yes.'

  'And you can freshen up a little, too.'

  A pair of sharp black eyes alighted critically on Candace's worst features. The face that was innocent of make-up, showing its lines of strain starkly. The comfortable jeans she'd worn to drive up here last night, and hadn't bothered to replace with something smarter this morning. The hair that could have done with much more than a quick, vigorous brush, twist and clip high on the back of her head.

  'You look terrible,' Elaine added, just in case her previous comment and her pointed regard had been too subtle.

  Candace caught Maddy's startled glance and her sudden frown. Teenagers weren't the most observant people in the world, but they could use their eyes when they were pointed in the right direction, as Elaine had just done.

  'I didn't find the pillows very comfortable last night,' Candace lied, and hoped her daughter wouldn't think back and realise that this peaky, strained appearance and casual approach to grooming had been in place for her entire stay.

  'Hmm,' Elaine said. 'We'll call Housekeeping as soon as we get to the hotel and ask them to send up a different kind. And you've lost weight.'

  'Yes, isn't it great?' Candace parried the accusation by changing the direction of its spin. 'With the beach right out front of my house, I'm getting so fit!'

  She waited for a moment, her breath held tight in her chest, then let the air out with controlled relief when, without further comment on the subject, Elaine turned to her single suitcase.

  'Maddy, you can get that for me, honey. It isn't heavy. It has another one nesting inside it for when I've shopped. Which we'll do this afternoon, shall we?'

  Her beam of anticipation assumed enthusiastic agreement.

  And after these first few awkward minutes, everything was fine. Back in their two-bedroom suite at the high-rise hotel, Maddy watched daytime soaps while Candace 'tried out the new pillows' and Elaine unpacked. They ordered an elegant brunch through room service, then embarked upon a serious shopping expedition.

  Elaine expected Candace to be an expert on the city's most appealing merchandise but, of course, she wasn't, and in the end she let her mother take control. Translating the price tags into US currency, Elaine considered virtually everything to be a bargain, and they returned to the hotel at four o'clock with so many bags that she would have needed three suitcases nesting inside each other in order to fit everything in on the return flight.

  'You can box the rest up for me and mail it back,' she told her
daughter.

  After two hours of serious rest and freshening up, they went to the revolving restaurant high above the city in Centrepoint Tower for drinks and dinner. Knowing that her mother would expect a high degree of elegance and finish, Candace wore heels and make-up, jewellery glinting here and there and hair in a proper French pleat. For the first time in weeks she actually felt good.

  Energised. Optimistic. Safe. There was something about Elaine West's approach to life.

  Or perhaps it's just because she's my mother, the one who's never let me down, in all these years...

  'I'm so glad you came, Mom,' she whispered in a foggy voice, and put her arms around Elaine in the elevator going up to the restaurant. A subtle waft of cool, faint perfume reached her nostrils as Elaine returned the hug.

  'We'll talk later, darling,' she promised. 'And you can tell me all about it.'

  Which was almost as good as all those times in Candace's childhood when she'd heard in that same tender voice, 'It's all right, Candy, darling, Mommy will kiss it better.'

  Obviously, Elaine knew perfectly well it wasn't just the hotel pillows that were responsible for her daughter's look of fatigue and strain, but this seemed reassuring rather than ominous tonight. For the first time in two months, Candace's appetite was vigorous and food tasted the way it should. So did the lime juice and mineral water she ordered.

  Maddy was bouncy and happy and wanted to climb the Harbour Bridge the next day.

  'Richard Gardner told me all about it,' she said. 'It takes three hours or something. It's supposed to be incredible.'

  'The Harbour Bridge?' Elaine said. 'You mean the big, black one near where we bought the opals? The famous one? You can't be serious!'

  'They clip you onto the rails, or a cable, or whatever. You can't possibly fall. They give you windbreakers. Grammy, don't you think it would have to be just totally, like, ba-a-d?'

  'Mom...' Candace said. Elaine was looking excited, and that couldn't be good.

  'Oh, let's do it, darling! The three girls? It'd be like that fad a few years ago for walking on hot coals. If I can do this, I can do anything, sort of thing.'

  'But the bridge...'

  'You're not afraid of heights, are you?'

  No, I'm pregnant, and even if they do let pregnant women climb the bridge, I'm not sure that I'd feel safe about it...

  'I'd want to hold onto the back of Maddy's collar the whole way, like I used to when she was little and liked to balance on things,' she fudged.

  'Stay at the hotel, then,' Elaine offered, almost too easily, after a telling beat of silence. 'Or watch us through binoculars from the Opera House. But we're going to do it, aren't we, Maddy?'

  'You're great, Grammy.'

  'Darling, when it comes to the point I probably will be a teensy bit scared, so you will look after me, won't you?'

  I should have known then that she'd guessed everything, Candace would say to herself later. She was playing the part of fun-loving grandmother just a little bit too well...

  * * *

  'I don't know how she can sleep with her hair over her face like that,' Elaine commented in the sitting room of their suite at six-thirty the next morning.

  Coming out of her room in a pale blue silk dressing-gown, she had peeked in on Maddy, observed that she was still asleep and quietly closed the door. Candace hadn't bothered to close it behind her when she'd awoken and slipped out of the same room a few minutes ago. She hadn't intended to make any noise.

  But Elaine obviously planned to talk, and didn't want to waken her granddaughter. Not just out of concern for the importance of Maddy's beauty sleep either.

  'Do you want to start from the beginning, or shall I just ask questions?' she said to Candace,.

  'That's already a question, isn't it?'

  'And shall we order room service? A hot breakfast?'

  'That's two more questions!'

  'You ought to eat properly. Maddy can choose what she wants later.'

  'Actually, yes, I am pretty hungry.'

  Starving! Eggs, bacon, sausages, grilled tomatoes, three cups of milky decaf coffee and about six pieces of wholewheat toast.

  She picked up the room-service menu, then felt her mother's calculating look. She flushed.

  'Is it what I think?' Elaine asked.

  'That entirely depends on what it is that you think, doesn't it?'

  'Well, I don't want to say it, in case I'm way off base, but...' She ticked the items off on her fingers. 'You look exhausted, you're drinking decaf coffee, you wouldn't have wine or a cocktail or even a sip of my champagne last night, and then when you said you didn't want to climb that bridge...'

  Candace slumped onto the polished cotton of the couch, with the room-service menu on her lap. 'You're not way off base,' she said.

  'Who's going to say it first, then?'

  'You are, Mom.'

  'You're pregnant, aren't you?'

  'Yes.' The word was leaden.

  'In the queasy stage?'

  'No, yesterday I got to the starving stage.'

  'Then it must have...?'

  'Yes, it did happen pretty early on. We weren't being careless, it was just one of those things. A failure of the technology.'

  'Are you still seeing him? Maddy would have said something, wouldn't she?'

  'It was a sore point for her so we're taking a break. After she goes...and you. I don't know why I kidded myself that you wouldn't guess eventually, but I think you've outdone yourself in clairvoyance this time, Mom!'

  'It's not clairvoyance, Candy. I just care about you so I notice what's going on.'

  'After you go, I—I'm not sure what will happen.'

  'You were supposed to have a wonderful vacation fling while you were here, darling, but—'

  'Yes, I sussed that was your plan.'

  'Sussed?'

  Candace shrugged. 'It's a word I've picked up. It's useful. I'm planning to import it to Boston.'

  'But you weren't supposed to take it this far,' Elaine accused lightly.

  'It wasn't—' Candace began.

  'No, of course it wasn't planned, but—'

  'I was absolutely thrilled about it at first.'

  'Because you were in love with him.'

  'No.' Candace shook her head. Twice. 'I mean, I am in love with him...'

  She stopped. It was the first time she'd said it aloud. And it felt so necessary that she said it again, listening to the words, savouring them. 'I'm in love with him, and I'm thrilled, still thrilled, about the baby. I never wanted to stop at one. That was Todd.'

  Her mother cut in with an epithet concerning Todd that she would have absolutely forbidden Maddy to use.

  'But—Mom—there's a problem. Might be.' She couldn't say it coherently. 'We had a test. It might have Down's.'

  'Oh, Candy!'

  'Which is—' She broke off. Began again. 'I mean, people manage. It would be hard—but I already love this baby. Only with the distance... Could I make my life here? Does he want me to? It'd be a whole lot more difficult for him to do it the other way around, professionally. I don't even know if he feels the way I do.'

  'How could he not? My daughter? Any man with any sense—'

  'Thanks, but you're my mother.' She managed a laugh. 'It doesn't count.'

  'You said might have Down's?'

  'We should find out this coming week. There was this ambiguous indicator on the scan.' She sketched the facts briefly.

  'And you said "we".'

  'He's not going to abandon the baby. He'll at least visit. Send presents. Want photos.'

  'But you think he might abandon you? As a lover?'

  'I said to him at the very beginning that I just wanted an affair.' She laughed shortly. 'Why did I say that?'

  'And to him that was a plus,' Elaine came in. 'Because he's not looking for a commitment. Only now you've changed your mind.'

  'Not promising, is it?'

  'Men can change their minds, too, darling,' Elaine said gently. 'Despite t
he prevailing mythology, it's not just a woman's prerogative. If he did change his and ask you to stay would you do it? Do you love him that much?'

  'There's Maddy. She's not really happy with Todd and Brittany. There's you.'

  'There you are! There's Maddy and there's me. I'd have her to live with me in a New York minute, if that would help.'

  'She'd like that. Her father might not.'

  'Her father would have to lump it, as far as I'm concerned. Would you like it? Leave Maddy and me out of this.'

  'My career at home—'

  'Leave your career out of it. Will the test result on the baby make a difference? Can you separate the future of this man's relationship with the baby from the future of his relationship with you? And, I repeat, do you love him that much?'

  'I—I don't know.'

  'Then you've got some thinking to do, haven't you?' came the gentle suggestion.

  Candace nodded silently, then watched, still slumped on the slippery couch, while Elaine politely stole the room-service menu from her lap.

  CHAPTER TEN

  'Show me the beach, Maddy,' Elaine said to her granddaughter on Sunday evening, in her most imperious I'm-a-senior-citizen-so-you-have-to-do-what-I-want voice. 'Your mom's had a long drive. She needs some time by herself.'

  'It's getting dark, Grammy.'

  'I need some fresh air.'

  'OK. I guess it won't kill me.'

  'Well, the bridge climb didn't.'

  'Oh, Grammy, it was so great, wasn't it? You were right, I'm gonna think back to it and know I can do anything now.'

  'As long as you run most of those "anythings" past your mother or me first, OK?'

  They headed for the door, and Candace phoned Steve as soon as they'd gone, knowing that her mother had got herself and Maddy out of the way for exactly that reason.

  'Do you want to come over?' he asked at once.

  'Uh, no, it's fine. Just wanted to tell you I'm planning to call Dr Strickland's office first thing tomorrow. Surely he'll have a result by then!'

  'Do you want me to be there?'

  'I think I do, yes.'

  'You think?'