King Pinch n-1

by David Cook

  And she damn well took her time. He knew he was Pinch and he knew she'd read enough of him to know that, but she was lingering on her pronouncement. No doubt, he raged to himself, she was enjoying having him on the spit. If he ever got out of this, he'd have to make sure she gained no profit from the venture.

  "It's Pinch all right," Maeve said with a touch of awe. "I ain't sure what happened, but I know his fashion. It's him."

  "That… thing is him?" Therin drawled, clearly filled with disbelief.

  "He knows garbage what only Pinch would know, like how we fetched your body after the hanging in Elturel. More than that, too, like jobs we've pulled where there ain't nobody who knows them and all. I tell you, it's Pinch."

  Therin looked back at the kneeling lich-thing. "Pinch, that really you?"

  " 'Swounds, it's me, you big hay-headed Gur! I should've left you as that fortune-teller's stooge for all the good you're doing me."

  Sprite and Maeve both looked at Therin with keen interest. It had always been a question between them just where the old master had found the big Gur.

  "Well met, then, I guess," Therin hailed, face reddened at his secret. "Come over-but slowly, old man."

  Lissa looked at the lot with a highly jaundiced eye, more than suspicious of their easy familiarity with this creature called Pinch. They talked all too freely of jobs and hangings to be anything like honest folk. She'd always had suspicions, but every time they arose, she'd convinced herself or let others convince her otherwise. Now, she finally realized, she'd been blind to it all this time.

  "You're all a lot of thieves!"

  "What did you imagine we were-lousy prophets?" Therin snapped.

  "You lied to me!"

  "We lie to everyone, miss," Sprite explained with glee. "It's our stock and our trade. Don't feel bad for being taken. We'd be pretty poor rascals if we couldn't fool anyone."

  "Sprite's right, dearie," Maeve added to the chorus. "Consider yourself honored into our company. Pinch called upon you in particular for aid, so he must think highly of you-and it's Pinch now we've got to see to."

  "Aye," Sprite echoed. He looked at the moldering form that shuffled closer. "What happened, Master Pinch?" There was still a hesitancy in his voice, lest this be some hideous creature approaching.

  "Manferic," the corpse croaked. "He traded bodies with me-though I don't think that was his full intention."

  "What happened?" Maeve demanded, magical business making her sharply attentive.

  As quickly and clearly as he could, Pinch explained the course of his meeting with Manferic. He had no idea what clues were needed to restore his body and so, against his true nature, he spared nothing in the telling. When it was done, Pinch croaked, "Ladies, tell me. How do-"

  "I'm not sure I should even help you, thief," Lissa cut in, still rankling at her discovery.

  "Leave me and you leave Manferic. Would your conscience feel better by placing a lich on the throne, priestess? What would the Morninglord think of that?" Pinch snapped. He didn't have time for this. That he knew instinctively.

  Lissa went white, then reddened, horrified at the prospect yet outraged as his tone. "Very well, in this… but in this only!"

  With that settled, the two spellcasters looked thoughtful as they debated. Like plotters on the stage, they whispered dramatically to each other as they considered various possibilities.

  "Pinch," Sprite asked while they waited, "if it can be done, what the plan?"

  "Plan?

  The halfling gave a wan smile. "Sure, a plan-you've always got a plan."

  If he could have sighed in this musty body, he would have sighed. "You know, Sprite, all through this game I've had plans and schemes and thought I was in control. Now my life turns out to be one of Manferic's grand plans. Pinch the master planner-hah! Well, Sprite, this time I've got no plan. All my other plans have turned into traps as Manferic twisted my plots around. This time we're just going to improvise and let's see him plan for that."

  "Great plan," Therin remarked gloomily.

  The two spellcasters ended their conference and Maeve spoke for them both.

  "About your body, Pinch. We don't know-"

  "But there might a chance. If we can get you close enough to you-er, Manferic-I might be able to dispel the magic that holds you."

  "And then?"

  Lissa bit her lip. "I'm not really sure. You should switch bodies."

  "Or?"

  "Or both of you vanish into the void, like Manferic said."

  "That's it? Just get this," Pinch gestured to the rot that was himself, "into the middle of a coronation and-"

  "What was that?" Sprite hissed as he waved his hands for attention.

  "What?"

  "Quiet. Listen," the halfling commanded. He stood on his hairy tiptoes, his head cocked so that his pointed ears where tipped to catch the least chitter in the halls. "That-did you hear it?"

  The others strained, hearing nothing.

  "Ikri…"

  There was a voice, faint and distant.

  "Ikrit…"

  From somewhere in the depths of the tunnels, a woman was calling.

  "Ikrit!"

  Pinch looked at the blasted white mass that choked the passage ahead. The quaggoth had been going somewhere, but not to Manferic. There was only one other choice. "The woman…"

  "What? What woman, Pinch?" Sprite demanded.

  "Lady Tulan, my mother," was the answer.

  "By the Morninglord," Lissa gasped, "your mother's down here? I thought you were an orphan."

  "It's a long tale to tell now." Pinch dismissed it with a wave of his rotted hand. His dead eyes suddenly glowed with cold light, a small spark of the willpower he'd inherited from his father. "We've got to find her. I know what revenge Manferic deserves."

  "He's gone maundering. Wit's left him," Maeve whispered to Therin.

  "Comes from being dead." The Gur tensed his muscular frame, just sensing the need if Pinch got violent.

  "I'm not mad," their corpse-bodied leader growled, surprising them with the insight of his senses. "Just help me get back my proper body and I'll nip what Manferic and Vargo prize most. The first thing is to find my mother."

  "Think she'll take a ghoul as a son?" The halfling, who had raised the question, didn't figure the query needed an answer. He was just reminding his captain of the realities of the situation.

  "Gods' pizzle," he swore, "she can't see me like this! She'll think I'm Manferic." Pinch flapped the rags that hung on his body, waving his frustration.

  "Leave her and we'll be out of here," Therin suggested.

  "Mask curse you!" the regulator swore with a clear vehemence that was undimmed by his lipless elocution. "She's my mother."

  "Yesterday she could've been a common stew for all you cared then!" Therin snapped back.

  "Therin, he's got a plan," Sprite interceded, laying a hand on the bigger's arm. The small face looked up with ridiculously large eyes: Sprite's playing his looks for the sympathy of the crowd. "If we don't help him, then there ain't none of us like to get out of Ankhapur alive. It's you who should go find this Lady Whatever."

  "Me?"

  "You've a way with ladies. Besides, you think she'd heed me, only a halfling?"

  "I'll go, too," Lissa volunteered, trying to do the noble thing.

  "No-Maeve, go with Therin," Pinch ordered, treating the suggestion a done deal. "I'll need you, priestess, if we're going to be facing a lich."

  "And what if I should say no?" Therin asked.

  "Relish the rest of your life down here, do you?" Sprite added. When Therin frowned, the halfling added, "Then get going."

  "How'm I supposed to find my way out?"

  "She'll know the way," Pinch growled, flashing his yellow teeth through a cold smile of hunger. "Just be at the Rite of Choosing.

  "He's right, Therin. Let's go." Maeve gathered up a lantern and waited for the Gur to come.

  The regulator immediately dispensed with them and turned to
Sprite-Heels and Lissa. "I'll need you two with me. Sprite, can you pace us out to someplace other than my rooms?"

  The halfling nodded. "Couldn't get this lot back into your kip, so I had to find another way in. That's what kept us from…" Sprite let it trail off as he wasn't sure it was good business to raise his failures up right now, especially since Pinch hadn't fared too well.

  "Then stop prattling and go. Late off the start's almost cost the race already."

  There was a disconcerting way to Pinch's saying it that gave life to the blue-gray pallor of his skin. He was a cold thing with a hunger that was only going to be satiated with cold revenge.

  20

  Coronation Day

  Sprite moved with uncanny confidence through the twisting passages, rejecting branches Pinch thought looked more likely. The rogue had no choice but to trust his lieutenant. The others stayed ahead of him, unwilling to look on his terrible visage any more than they had to.

  At length they reached a dead-end. "Here," Sprite held the light to the polished stone. An iron ring was set in the wall. More to the point, with his newly sensitive sight the transmigrated rogue easily traced the outline of the jamb, where the cracks let the least glimmer of light in. Even Sprite, with his talent for finding things, probably couldn't see the outlines.

  "Beyond's a side courtyard not far from your apartment-"

  "The rite'll be held in the main feast hall."

  Pinch seized the iron ring and pulled as hard as he thought was right, forgetting his body's strength in the process. The door flew open with nary a sound. Whoever had engineered this entry was a master, for the heavy, veined marble slid with ease. Pinch practically tumbled backward from the lack of resistance.

  The courtyard beyond was lit by the palest of moonlight that barely reached over the high buildings enclosing the artificial forest within. Verdant shrubs filled squat pots, and fine-leaved trees waved gently to the rhythm of the splashing fountain in the far wall. Moon-flowers spread their ivory petals to absorb the night. Caged birds hung from the beam ends all around, and a few nightingales woke to sing their arrival. As the door gaped wider than was needed to spy, Sprite and Pinch both scrambled into the shadows, acting on years of larcenous instinct. Had an observer been in the small garden, he would have assumed that Lissa alone had managed the great door. Fortunately, there were no observers.

  When there was no alarm, the two rogues moved quickly through the potted jungle, getting the lay of the land. Of the three other doors, one in each wall, two led to nothing, just rooms shuttered up for the night. The third was a gate of wrought iron that opened on the avenue linking the Great Hall to the world beyond the palace gates. The pair took care not to be noticed, for there was a steady stream of revelers all bound in the direction of the feast.

  Pinch was just checking the oil on the gate hinges before opening it when Sprite touched his arm. The halfling had a cloth from his sleeve to cover his face. "Wisely good, but how you going to get around, Pinch? You ain't your inconspicuous self."

  Lissa, who'd kept herself silent and distant to this point, added, "You've got the stench of death to you, too."

  Pinch's smile was an awkward grimace. "Sprite, boy, do you know what day it is in Ankhapur?"

  "Some sort of festival, Pinch."

  "It's the Festival of Wealth, my halfling friend. For one day, the fine citizens of Ankhapur celebrate the gods of money with food, drink, and masked balls."

  "So?"

  Pinch looked to Lissa, mindful of her disapproval as he spoke his true mind. "We're thieves, boy- scoundrels. Out there the streets are filled with folks in costumery-gowns, cloaks, and… masks."

  "Who just need a little persuading to help us out." A sly smile enriched the halfling's face. " 'Struth, Pinch. I'm sure some kindly generous souls truly want to help us."

  "Ankhapur is noted for its generosity." The dead-bodied rogue nodded, flaking little hunks of his neck as he did. "All it takes is a little proper explaining."

  "So how are we planning to get them in here? Nobody trusts a halfling-"

  "And I'd scare them off."

  The pair turned to look at Lissa.

  "No. No-you're not suggesting I go out there and-"

  "Our need is great," Pinch croaked.

  "It's only once," Sprite added.

  "It's a sin in the eyes of the Morninglord!" she resisted, shaking her head.

  "Maybe he's not looking. Gods can get awfully busy, you know." The halfling at her side couldn't help being flip, and for it she gave him a wicked glare.

  "I suppose Ankhapur will manage." Pinch tried for a sigh of resignation, but without breath it sounded more like a quack. "And I'll get used to living in the tombs, where I won't have to walk the streets and listen to the screams of the women and run from the swords of men. The tombs are quiet. I'll have lots of time to… sit."

  Sprite sniffed.

  "Enough!" Lissa threw up her hands. "I'll do it. I just want you to know, you're vile and evil and I hate you both!"

  The two rogues, one dead, the other short and shiftless, smiled and did their best to look angelic.

  "That's not very fair," Sprite sniffed, his tears turning to wounded honor before they'd even welled up in his eyes. "We're only this way because there's no other-"

  "You are a person to rely on," Pinch extolled. It was best to shut the halfling up before he changed her mind for her. With a hand on her arm he steered her toward the gate. "Be quick-three people, our size, with masks." Before she could have regrets, he gently pushed her into the street.

  Fifteen minutes later, three revelers, two men and a woman, one short, two tall, hurried toward the Great Hall. The woman wore a delicate domino mask and a gown that didn't fit quite well, too tight at the bodice and too long in the leg. The tall man was resplendent as a great black raven with a golden-beaked mask and a coif of feathers that flowed down into a lustrous black cloak that served well to hide the grimy clothes underneath. The little man waddled along, trying to keep up with the others, his effort constantly hindered by the papier mache head that was as big as him. His tabard jingled with every step as the bell-stitched hem dragged on the ground. The shiny, grinning jester's face lolled drunkenly, threatening to decapitate itself at any moment.

  "Wonderful choice," the short one groused. The nasal voice had a dead echo like the inside of a barrel. "It's not like you could have found a worse disguise-"

  "Sprite, stow that," snapped the raven in truly dead tones. "Be thankful to Lissa she found anything."

  "Oh, I should be thankful that I'm going to die dressed like this." The halfling struggled to avoid tripping over his jingling hem, casting an envious eye at the ease with which the priestess handled her oversized gown. "You know, Pinch, I'm not so sure this fighting a lich thing is such a good idea. I mean, you could just stay like that. You'd get used to it after a while and it's got some positive advantages. Think about the insurance we could run. There wouldn't be no sensible merchant who'd withhold a payment from anyone who looked like you. We could run ourselves a nice system, me and Therin fronting it and you taking the collection-"

  "Sprite-stay your rattling trap!"

  So much was the vehemence in that voice that the halfling squeaked quiet.

  "We do this to save Ankhapur," Lissa announced to no one except perhaps herself. She spoke with the virtuous certainty that comes upon the sinner determined to redeem herself. "There will be no turning back or backsliding now. Understand, little one?"

  From inside the bloated plaster head came a sour grumble that lapsed into silence, but the halfling kept pace with the others.

  The entrance to the Great Hall was thick with the royal guard, loyal soldiers standing in rows like overdressed mannequins. Pinch's teeth ground like millstones as they fell into the line of guests passing through the doors. A guard captain briefly scanned each reveler as he or she passed. With his keen scent for the law, Pinch spotted others who were doing a miserable job of being inconspicuous: several servant
s who lingered in the foyer with too little to do, and a robed "guest" who lounged in the hall. Probably hired warriors and a mage, and probably loyal to Vargo, just in case he needed to force his ascension. Pinch had not forgotten Iron-Biter's suggestion to take the crown by force if necessary.

  Still, the lot looked distinctly uncomfortable, no doubt because their commander, Iron-Biter, hadn't shown. That pleased Pinch, thinking of the consternation that must be going through Vargo's ranks because their lord's right-hand man had failed to appear.

  The captain, seeing only another group of celebrants, waved them by with hardly a glance. Their ill-fitting outfits were beyond notice in the garish crowd that surrounded them. There were mock medusas, gold-festooned dwarves, even a hulking lizard man clutching a goblet in its taloned hand. Pinch judged that, from the interest the lizard showed in the ladies, many of whom had dressed to reveal and not disguise, that this guest was an enterprising wizard with a polymorph spell and not a true emissary of that reptilian race.

  Once past the guards, the three slipped easily through the packed crowd. Everyone was here and everyone was gay. The rogue figured he could make a year's profit from the jewelry that dripped from the arms, necks, ankles, and ears of those around him. With so much temptation at hand, Pinch kept a wary eye on his small friend, although the halfling's oversized plaster head seemed an effective restraint.

  When they finally squeezed into the Great Hall, past the ballrooms where the dancers turned to stately pa-vanes, past the tables creaking with roasts and pastries, and past the choke in the hallway, every head was craned for a view of the four princes on their thrones. Raised up on a broad dais, the four looked through their masks upon the crowd with the unconcealed habits of their natures radiating in their very poses. Vargo, foremost of the lot, awaited the ceremony with keen expectation, confident that he would be supreme no matter what the outcome. Throdus and Marac sat in their places with distinct unease, well cautioned of their brother's plans and perfectly aware of their own weakness to oppose him. Bors always loved the festival. The bright colors, music, and food appealed to his childish spirit. He laughed and giggled in his seat, but the importance of the occasion was lost on him.