“This,” he replied, pushing my knees down and placing the paper on my lap. There in the middle was an advertisement circled in red marker with three explanation points. I looked from the paper to him and furrowed my brow as he raised his and nodded at me. “Go ahead, read it! It’s perfect for you!”
I had read it as his fingertips ran over my shoulders. He had been right; it had been ideal for me. It had turned into the best thing that had happened to me. While my peers were struggling to find any job at all, I already had one lined up a year before I even had my degree. That had all been because of Bobby. He had been looking for months for an internship for me without me even knowing.
I still had the paper saved in a journal I kept during college. I looked across the city in front of me. I wasn’t sure how I was going to make it through this day, but I had to. There was no point in getting lost at the bottom of a bottle with Adam. Then there would be no way to save either of us.
I needed to stop thinking.
I slipped a CD into the player and ratcheted up the volume, letting the screaming of Ollie Sykes sink in. I needed this. The heavy rhythms coursed through my body, thrumming through my chest and I let go, piece by piece.
When I parked the car and turned it off the silence engulfing the car caught me off guard, and I found my fingers wrapping tightly around the steering wheel. I watched as my knuckles turned white before letting them drop to my side. My stomach fluttered; empty except for the coffee I consumed on the drive in. I took a deep breath as I tried to steady the dizziness coming over me.
I can do this.
I got out and walked to the door.
I can do this.
I yanked it open and slipped inside the office building, walking up the short set of steps and into the lobby before turning right and walking into the marketing firm I called home for four years now. The warm air of the building hit me, and I found I was sweating as I stuck my head in Jesse’s door.
“River!” my boss said, standing and coming around his desk.
I stepped forward, and his hands fell onto my shoulders.
“I’m glad to have you back,” he said with a weak but warm smile. “How are you doing?”
I looked up at the ceiling before letting my gaze return to him. I returned the smile, or at least I attempted to. “Okay, I guess.”
“Listen, you don’t have to work the whole day. If you need to ease back into it, I’m fine with that.” Jesse’s blue eyes darted over my face as he tried to judge if I was okay. His chest rose with a suppressed sigh before he let go and walked back to his desk.
“I appreciate the offer, but I think I’ll be fine,” I said, sitting down in the seat he nodded to.
“Alright, then I need you to work on the branding for Alexis’ Grove. It’s a new restaurant in town,” he said as he pushed a project folder in my direction.
I opened it and looked at the company’s profile briefly. “I think I can handle this.”
“That’s my girl. We need to have a shoot scheduled in the next two weeks for advertisements, and we need to develop a solid slogan and logo for them. Something that speaks to the rustic Italian feel they’re going for. You’ll also want to get in touch with their interior designers.”
I shut the folder and gave my first real smile in weeks. “I’ll get right on it.”
Jesse winked at me before turning back to his computer. “That’s my girl.”
I stood and turned, but froze as my eyes landed on a cubical overflowing with flowers.
Tara’s cubical.
I pressed my eyes shut and counted to three as the temperature of the room seemed to rise with my pulse.
“River?” Jesse’s voice yanked me out of another flashback as Tara’s smiling face flickered and changed into the battered and bruised one it was the last time I saw her. My eyes found the red tips of my shoes again. It seemed they were one of the only things that would get me through the day.
“I’m good,” I replied, but my voice cracked.
“You sure?”
I nodded but kept looking down as I moved towards my office. When I walked in I was greeted by the scent of the flowers that also sat on my desk. I picked up the vase and set it on the table near the window without bothering to open the card. They were all the same. Our deepest sympathies for your loss or You are in our thoughts during this difficult time. I set the project folder down before sitting and placing my elbows on my desk as I let my head sink into my hands.
I can do this.
Can’t I?
Chapter 8
I looked up the stairs of the apartment building, my hand gripping the railing as my chest rose to my chin. Going back to work exhausted me. Between catching up on 1,000 plus emails and dealing with people again, my head was spinning. Too many people I didn’t know now knew me as the girl who lost her best friend, and their words, much like their cards, left me feeling as empty as the false sympathetic smiles they threw me. Not to mention the personal invasion of space with gentle squeezes of my shoulder. I thought about going to see Tara, but the day had been enough as it was. I hoped her mom would understand. I turned to the elevator instead of the stairs I used religiously. I was too tired to walk any further. The ride up felt too long as my mind moved from the stress of work to Adam. I rubbed my palms against each other as the elevator numbers changed from one to two and then the door slid open. I stepped out and looked between the two doors on either side of the hall before closing my eyes, breathing in deeply and turning to our door. As I reached into my purse for my keys the door swung open, and I stepped back, jaw slack as Adam smiled at me.
“Hey!” Adam said, stepping forward and kissing my forehead before heading to the stairs.
“Hey?” I replied as I blinked hard at his back. He looked cute in his black flannel button-up over a teal shirt and jeans. He was even clean shaven. “Where are you going?”
He didn’t stop or turn; instead, he held his keys over his head and jingled them. “Boy’s night out!” he replied, and before I could answer he turned the corner and disappeared down the second set of stairs.
I stared at the empty stairwell, rubbing my arms as I whispered, “It’s not Thursday yet.”
My eyes drifted to the door across the hall. The emptiness I somehow managed to forget at work began to fill me as I stared at the wood and imagined the happiness that once occurred behind it. I dropped my arms as my hands clenched at my sides. Adam left me to suffer in my silence, and I realized I had no friends aside from Adam, Bobby and Tara. I never thought I lacked in the friend department. Girls generally didn’t stay loyal to me because of my friendship with the Beckerson boys. Throughout high school, I became used to girls using me to get at them and eventually I just gave up on relationships with the same sex. Adam and Bobby were always enough, and Tara had been a pleasant surprise, although her motives had to do with Bobby too. She was just always clear what her intentions were, and I was all right with that since they didn’t involve Adam. I swallowed as I turned into the apartment, shutting the door behind me and putting my forehead against the wood door. I should have been happy at Adam’s abrupt return to the real world, yet the smile hadn’t met his eyes. I still saw the flat, emotionless glaze that settled in since that night. I turned, pulling my jacket off and staring at the mirror next to the empty coat rack. Beneath the mascara, silver eye shadow and cat eyeliner was the same gaze.
Empty. Emotionless. A hollow shell.
I wondered if Adam saw it too. I put my jacket on the coat rack. If he did, he didn’t care.
~~~
Even though I left work, I brought my laptop with me and continued to work until my eyes wouldn’t stay open any longer. I checked the time as I fell into bed –1:45 AM. The tension left my body as I pulled the crisp sheets into a cocoon around me. My dreams consisted mostly of pitch black since Bobby passed, and it was the only relief I felt from the same inky darkness overwhelming my soul.
Bang!
My eyes snapped open, and my ch
est heaved as I blinked several times and sat up on the bed.
There it was again; someone was slamming on the front door, and they were laughing. I grit my teeth as I glanced at the alarm clock—3:07 AM. I picked my sweatshirt up from the floor and yanked it over my head before grabbing my glasses and shoving them over my eyes.
“Let me in, River!” Adam said from behind the door he was still slamming on.
I pulled it open with so much force that the person holding Adam dropped him. “What the fuck?”
I pushed Adam off of me, and he latched onto the door frame.
“Sorry, Riv,” Mark said as his eyes widened. “We didn’t expect him to get that loaded.”
I glared at him, and his hand went to the back of his shaggy head of hair. “I should, err…get going.”
“Maybe next time you could stop him before he’s so cocked he can’t stand?” I asked, my heart pounding hard against my ribs.
Adam looked up at me, puppy-brown eyes making my stomach turn. “Don’t be mad at them, Riv.”
“Don’t you dare Riv me, Adam Beckerson!” I said as I yanked him into the apartment and slammed the door in Mark’s face. I knew Adam made the decision to get drunk, and I shouldn’t be mad at Mark. They couldn’t control him any more than I could. I was madder at myself for letting him go without warning them how alcohol was suddenly his crutch. Adam stumbled forward and faced planted on the couch, and I felt my body tremble as I sat down on the one stair leading into our living room. I put my head in my hands, chewing on my lip.
I should have taken the look in Adam’s eyes for what it was worth. It meant one thing—the bottle of SoCo wasn’t far behind. My hands moved over my face. Would Adam be able to get over this, or would SoCo be his only way out of his pain?
Time. That’s what he needed.
I stood and went to put him in a more comfortable position, remembering from classes in high school to put his head out so he wouldn’t swallow his vomit if his stomach revolted against the alcohol. I kissed his forehead before moving to the chair Bobby and Tara cuddled in on Christmas. I pulled the blanket off the back of it and wrapped it around myself as I watched Adam until I fell asleep again; until the darkness once again consumed me and quieted my soul. What was left of it, anyway?
Chapter 9
I curled deeper into the lounge chair, pulling the blanket tighter around myself before my eyes shot open. There it was, the smell of bacon and coffee brewing. My stomach growled as my eyes focused on the now empty couch. I yawned and wandered to the kitchen. I stopped at the island and stared at Adam’s back as he poured pancake batter onto the bacon greased pan.
“Adam?” I asked as I stared at the anomaly across the island from me.
He turned to face me and my breath caught in my throat. He hadn’t had a hair cut in some time, but he styled his hair this morning in a way that enhanced everything about him, especially that lip ring. The bad-boy-crooked-grin was on his face as he looked back at me.
“Hey, love,” he said.
Dreaming. I have to be dreaming.
My fingers curled into my palms, and my nails bit into my flesh. I wasn’t dreaming. I blinked at him a few times before running into his arms and wrapping my legs around him.
“I totally just got batter on your ass,” Adam said, his voiced muffled as his face buried into my hair.
I stared down at him in a black band tee stretched in all the right places, and my heart fluttered out of control. There he was. Adam was staring back at me. His eyes were warm, and tender; staring at me like I was his world.
“You’ll just have to do something about that, won’t you?” I said, biting my lip to contain my smile.
My Adam held me against him, and his hands moved, so my body slowly slid through his arms and against him. Heat flushed through me as my shirt rose against his body, and his spatula-less hand slid up my spine, his warm fingers brushing across my bare skin. One eyebrow raised as he looked down at me through my bangs.
“I love it when your hair is all messed up like this,” he whispered, and his breath washed over me.
I closed my eyes and breathed in the scent. Clean– spearmint and sexiness—none of the nasty liquor I was accustom to.
My eyes fluttered open as his hand moved to cup my chin, thumb resting against my lower lip. His brown eyes rushed over my face, taking in the flow of my hair, down my cheeks and finally to the lips he so softly embraced. He lowered his mouth to mine and his lips brushed against me with an excruciating and delicate passion that set all of my nerves on fire and my heart into palpitations. It was too gentle when all I felt was the desperate need for every piece of him to be a part of me. I pushed back, pulling him tighter to me and the spatula fell to the ground as his other hand came up to cradle my face. I lost my breath then, caught in the way his hands held my face so gently when our lips were so desperate for each other. His tongue pushed into my mouth, dancing on mine until the smell of burned pancakes filled the room and choked the air we were barely breathing. My feet found the ground again, and Adam turned to the stove, shoving the pan to the cold side as he swore. I stood back, my hands going over my swollen lips as I giggled at his red face. He turned slowly back to me, running his tongue across his teeth before raising any eyebrow and pulling me back into his arms.
“What. About. My. Breakfast?” I asked between kisses as he lifted my legs back around his waist and carried me towards the bedroom.
“I think. We. Need. Dessert. First,” Adam replied as he navigated the furniture.
He placed me on the bed as his kisses trailed up to my neck and down my bare shoulder.
“Isn’t it a little early for dessert?” I gasped as my hands buried in his hair.
His hands slid down my body as his eyes met mine from my shoulder.
“Is it?” he asked, fingers tangled in the string of my underwear as he gently tugged at it.
The air caught in my throat as his fingers skimmed over my inner thigh. I couldn’t make any sound other than a gasp as I shook my head. I watched as he moved down my body, kissing the tattoo on my hip before slipping the tank top over my head.
~~~
“Do we have to go to work today?” Adam asked as he rolled over and wrapped me in his warmth.
I smiled and closed my eyes again. “Maybe go in a little late? After you finish making those pancakes?
My phone began ringing, and I felt Adam’s weight shift over me as he reached for the phone, and then his chest heaved as he looked down at it. “It’s the hospital.”
I lurched forward, grabbing the phone from his hand and touching the screen just before it stopped vibrating. “Hello?”
My eyes searched the room for a clock that would tell me what time it was. How long had we been?
“River Ahlers?” the voice on the other end asked.
“Yes?” I answered, and a cold sweat began to build on my brow.
“We have some good news. The doctors decided to pull Tara out of the coma today. She’s fully awake, and she’s asking for you.”
The room spun. Tara was up. This phone call wasn’t bad news.
“Seriously?” I choked as the tears began to stream down my face.
“Yes, visiting hours are until six today, but she’s adamant that she wants to see you as soon as possible.”
“Has anyone told her about—”
“The gentleman driving the car?” My rapid breathing must have signaled the woman to keep going. “Yes, her parents did about two hours ago, but short term memory can be a bit slower to recover depending on the situation. Since this was drug induced, her recovery should be faster. Just be prepared that you may have to explain it to her again.”
I blinked hard as I absorbed the information. Tara had been awake for hours. She was told Bobby was dead, but she might have to be reminded? I felt my body numbing at the thought of having to relive telling her over and over again. Please don’t be that bad.
My brain kicked back into gear and happened on the first re
asonable question. “She’s been awake for hours?”
“Yes, should I tell her you’ll be coming?”
I looked around the room again and then gave in. “What time is it?”
“7:30,” the women answered, and I put my head on my knees.
“I’ll be there in forty minutes,” I said.
I hung up the phone and looked at Adam. His fists formed balled at his sides, and I realized he wasn’t going to be coming with me.
“I can’t go, River,” he said, his eyes racing over mine. “I don’t ever want to go to that hospital again. After seeing Tara in there after the funeral…I just can’t.”
Alone. I would be alone as usual.
“I don’t want to go either, but this is for Tara– and I need you,” I said, but my voice faded as I watched him go to the window and place his head against the pane of glass.
A part of me understood how hard this was for him, but another part of me raged with anger. For the first time in over three weeks, he was sober, and he still couldn’t stand by and support me. Maybe the alcohol had less to do with our drifting than I thought. I shook the thought from my mind as I looked down at my hands. Adam lost a part of him in that hospital, and I needed to understand what that meant to him. If Tara weren’t at the same hospital, he would be by my side. I knew it.
“It’s fine,” I replied, glad he wasn’t facing me to see my expression. “I get it.”
“I’ll go when they move her to rehab. I promise,” he said, his voice muffled by his arm.
“Sure,” I replied as I stared at him. The photographer inside of me begged me to grab my camera and capture the moment. His face was framed by the light streaming in the window, but the dividers in the panes sent shadows over just the right places making him look as sad as he was. I unfolded my legs from under me and walked up to kiss his bare shoulder. “I’ll be back in a few hours.”
He put his chin on his shoulder, and I leaned up to quickly kiss him goodbye, but instead his hand cupped my chin, and his lips raced over mine, leaving me breathless.
Faded Perfection (Beautifully Flawed Book 2) Page 4