“That’s not fair,” I said when I managed to pull away.
“Can’t be mad at me anymore, then?” he asked, and his eyes danced over my face. The sadness still there.
I reached up and ran my fingers over his stubbled chin. “Who said I was mad at you?”
His brows rose into his forehead in disbelief. “I know you pretty well, and I know your voice—I’ve memorized every tone you’ve ever used with me. That tone you just used was your I’m-pissed-but-I-don’t-want-to-tell-you tone.”
“No, that was the I’m-pissed-but-I-totally-get-where-you’re-coming-from tone,” I replied.
He turned to face me, holding my arms as he lowered his forehead to mine. “I got the important part right. The ‘I’m pissed’ part.”
I laughed, biting my lip. “So you know I’m not anymore then?”
Adam leaned down and kissed me once more. I kept my eyes closed as he pulled away and his lips hovered over mine, his breath warming my cheeks.
“I hope not,” he replied.
I shook my head and opened my lids slowly. “You’re really good; you know that?”
His gaze fell before coming back up to me. “Just remember that the next time you’re pissed at me.”
“Fine,” I replied, but instead of moving like I knew I should I remained there.
“You don’t want to go?” Adam asked, moving my bangs away from my eyes.
“I’ve been going every day…I just kept it from you,” I said as I put my hands on his shoulders. “I think I’m just in shock. I didn’t think she was going to wake up…”
“I know you went,” Adam said, and my head shot up.
“How?”
“Tara’s parents have been calling me…trying to convince me to come in. They thought because I was so close to Bobby, being his brother, that it would be good for her. Maybe they thought she would mistake me for him—too bad they don’t know I don’t look like Bobby at all,” he said, his forehead wrinkling as he continued; “Not that she could see me.”
“Maybe they just thought she could use another friend,” I replied with the squeeze of his hand before I went to get dressed. When I looked back at Adam, he was sitting in the chair by the window leaning forward on his knees with his fists clenched. I closed my eyes as I turned towards the exit.
I wondered if when I got back, he’d be sober.
Chapter 10
When I reached the hospital, I found myself frozen as I listened to the engine idle. I slammed the car into park and placed my head on my hands as my body heated up. It was mid-February, yet I felt like I was sitting in Hell. I gazed over the steering wheel up at the brick building. It was just a building, so why did I feel the urgent need to vomit?
I sat back in my seat as my mind reeled with memories. The Swarovski-encrusted dress wrinkling against my skin as Adam crumbled in my arms—the god awful screeching sound of Vicky’s sobs against the incessant buzzing of medical equipment. I had somehow buried them in the back of my mind, and in an instant I understood how Adam would be driven to drink, especially if he couldn’t forget as quickly as I did. I couldn’t fathom why I was being affected like this now when I visited Tara countless times. I let my breath out slowly as I tried to rationalize the situation. I didn’t know how Tara was going to be, and handling her recovery, Adam’s descent into possible alcoholism and my grief along with everyday life seemed daunting. She’ll be okay.
I took one deep breath and got out of my car, slamming the door behind me and concentrating on my feet as I walked in the building. I kept my eyes down as I walked up the stairs I knew all too well and with each step the hollow hole that formed inside me grew. Bobby could have been the one in the coma; the one waking up—but he wasn’t. At least Tara was, though. I gave my name at the guest check in and took a seat as I waited for admittance. Tara’s mom, Becky, came down the hallway and wrapped me in a hug that squeezed my tiny rib cage smaller than I thought possible.
She held me at arm’s length with a huge smile on her face. “She’s doing well, but let’s talk before you go in.”
I nodded, and we took a seat back in the chairs. “How did she handle…”
Becky looked up at the ceiling as her shoulders lifted. “I’m sure they warned you her short term memory could take some time to recover. Her whole recovery could take anywhere from six to twelve weeks, but the good thing is the medical coma kept her injuries from escalating. She shouldn’t have any long-term side effects.”
I swallowed. “Will she ask me about Bobby?”
Becky placed her hands over mine. “It’s possible. She seemed aware of it when she woke up–I’m not sure how, but she did.”
“Okay,” I replied, taking a deep breath before standing. I went to her room and poked my head into it. Tara was looking through a cosmetic bag with a frown on her face.
“Hey.” I broke the silence as I let myself in the room.
She smiled up at me and her face the first time I saw her after the crash flashed in my mind. I blinked it away and smiled back down at her, mostly healed.
“Aren’t you going to hug me or something?” she asked with a cock of her head.
I wrapped my arms around her and squeezed once before sitting down on the edge of her bed.
“So,” Tara began, putting her hand over mine; “how have you been?”
I blinked at her, my mouth only forming odd gargling sounds as I tried to fathom her attitude.
“You’re oddly calm,” I managed to say.
“I’m awake, and I’m grateful for that.”
I shook my head as I wondered if she already forgot Bobby wasn’t going to wake up. The tears started tumbling down my face without control and Tara pulled me into her arms, now far thinner than before. She hiccuped, and I knew she was crying too. We sat like that for more minutes than I liked to remember before our combined sobs softened and we pulled away laughing.
“He’d be so pissed; you know that?” Tara asked as she wiped her face with the back of her hand.
“Yeah, and why is that?”
“He’d hate to see his girls so sad,” she replied, and I had to take a deep breath to keep from falling back into tears again. She still knew.
“Yeah, you’re right,” I said as I squeezed her hands in mine.
“So, how’s Adam?”
The hollow in my heart returned, and I looked down at our hands. “It’s been rough. He’s been drinking a lot, but yesterday he was sober–so hopefully that’s a good sign.”
Tara bit the inside of her cheek, and her eyes flickered as she struggled with some thought. She shook her head, and it seemed to pass. She smirked as she replied, “Bobby’s going to kick his ass if he doesn’t stop.”
My body tensed as I looked at her. Maybe she thought he was in another hospital bed. I fought back a wave of nausea. I couldn’t tell her, not without breaking down completely again.
“He should be more concerned about me kicking his ass,” I replied instead, giving her a weak smile.
Tara ran her fingers running over the sheets pooled around her lower body, staring at the red bag that had been pushed aside when we hugged. “Speaking of kicking asses– I’m going to kick my own if I can’t figure out how to put mascara on–or which one of these is mascara.”
I laughed, taking the cosmetic bag and opening it up. I held the black tube and a tiny mirror up.
“Together?” I asked.
“Together,” she replied, and the corner of her eyes wrinkled with determination.
Chapter 11
I tightened the tie around Adam’s neck as I looked up at him. He hadn’t drank in a week, and he was going back to work. I didn’t know how he managed to sit around the apartment for so many weeks, but I figured he was probably playing music, although I hadn’t seen him play since he almost destroyed his guitar. I blinked hard as another thought rammed into my brain, or he was so drunk it didn’t matter. A part of me was beginning to feel normal again, and I didn’t want to weigh it down with the
thought of the fact there was still a chilled bottle of Southern Comfort in the refrigerator door. My stomach tightened as my eyes focused back on Adam. I could still feel the missing pieces of me pulling away as I walked out of our apartment past Bobby’s empty apartment, or down the hall at my work past Tara’s empty cubicle. When I got home Adam was there with a smile on his face and that helped to make the week feel more manageable.
“I can do this,” Adam said as he touched his forehead to mine.
“That’s the same thing I told myself all day the day I went back to work,” I replied, leaning up on my toes and kissing him.
His hands slipped up to cup my face.“I’m not as strong as you, River.”
“When you come home, I’ll be here,” I replied. A shaky breath rattled passed his lips, and he nodded. “Besides your kids miss you.”
Adam’s eyes moved passed me, focusing on nothing in particular as he nodded again. “I miss them too.”
“See–at least you won’t be stuck in an office all by yourself with a bunch of smelly flowers,” I replied, scrunching my nose as I slipped on my high heels.
Adam’s face paled, and his hand stuck in his newly cut hair. He asked me to cut it short on the sides and leave the top long, and his hands now disappeared in the slicked back top. “Flowers?”
I slipped my hand into his as we walked out the door together. “I asked Principal Michaels to make sure you didn’t have to deal with any of those. You’ll be okay, I promise.”
Adam shook his head as we started down the stairs. “You’re always taking care of me now. Isn’t it supposed to be the other way around?”
I kept my eyes ahead as my heart hammered against my chest. “It goes both ways.”
Adam smiled as he opened the door, and the winter air bellowed into the warmth of the building. I pulled my scarf up further as we walked out the door.
“I’ll make dinner tonight, okay?” he said, reaching over and rubbing my arm as I shivered.
I smiled up at him, swallowing as my mouth went dry. I didn’t know if he would make it through the day, let alone want to make dinner at the end of it.
“Sounds fabulous,” I replied as I fought the urge to look at the sky and pray it would happen.
“What do you want?” Adam asked as we reached our cars and he turned to face me.
“I think there are some meatballs in the freezer, and I could go for spaghetti,” I said.
“And garlic bread?” Adam added as he tucked my hair behind my ear.
“Even better,” I replied, trying my hardest to keep the fear out of my voice as I glanced up at him.
His eyes were red, and I knew he didn’t sleep much the night before. He leaned down, kissing me before pressing his lips on my forehead. The hollowness flashed in his eyes before retreating as he whispered, “Love you.”
“Love you more,” I replied as I opened my car door and sank into the seat. I waited for him to pull out before shutting my eyes and leaning my head back. I needed to have faith he could do this.
I knew he could.
I opened my eyes and put the car into gear.
I wasn’t sure I could handle it if he couldn’t.
~~~
The first two hours of the day I spent looking at my phone over and over again. Finally, at the third one, I stopped looking, but anxiety continued to play with my mind. My body flushed with heat as I told myself everything was going to be okay. At hour four my body finally relaxed, and I was able to get some work done. I sent the final print files for the restaurant and booked the models for my next shoot. I stood to stretch, looking out the window at the busy Boston street. Three blocks away Adam was busy teaching his students. I smiled to myself as I sat back down, pulling my apple out and biting into it just as my cell phone rang. The song from Fade Burn made my eyes prick as I looked down at the picture of Adam.
This couldn’t be good.
“Adam? What’s wrong?” I asked, and my voice pitched as I looked down at my apple, one bite mark out of it. I swallowed the gritty piece in my mouth, feeling it move down my throat as I waited for Adam to response.
“I…I don’t know what I was thinking,” he said, and I heard him curse under his breath.
“I don’t understand,” I replied, my heart hammering too hard against my chest. I rubbed my hands across my collar bone. He didn’t sound bad.
“I just…I fucked up, Riv. Can you get me?”
“I need you to explain,” I said as the urge to vomit rolled over me as my body went cold. What had he done?
“I brought…” I heard him grit his teeth, and a trash can go skittering across a tile floor. “I drank–not a lot. But…now I’m afraid I smell like booze, and I can’t drive if I smell like booze–but I can’t go back out there when…I don’t…God, I’m so fucked up.”
I pressed my fingers into my forehead. “Where are you?”
“In the bathroom. I dumped the bottle out, but now I still have a bottle. Riv, I don’t–” his voice cracked; “I don’t know what to do. I love my job.”
“Stay there. I’ll pick you up. Make some vomiting sounds intermittently.”
Adam didn’t respond.
“Adam?” I asked.
The line was quiet for another moment before he asked, “Do you hate me?”
“No,” I replied, biting my lip before continuing; “I’ll be there in a little bit.”
“Thanks, Love.”
I nodded, forgetting he couldn’t see it before hitting the End button. I closed my eyes, looking up at the ceiling. “Taking Bobby wasn’t enough?” I asked someone I was having trouble believing existed.
I let my head fall into my hands as I took three deep breaths and then stood, grabbing my purse and heading to Jesse’s office. I rubbed my damp palms against my skirt before bracing myself against the door and peeking my head into the room. “Hey.”
“Hi!” he replied, looking over his reading glasses at me. “What’s up? You seem upset.”
“It’s Adam. He decided to go back to work today…and I thought he was ready…” I answered, heaving a sigh; “he just called and…well…he wasn’t.”
Jesse took his glasses off and nodded. “Alright,” he said, cocking his head and giving me one of those looks that said he understood, even when I didn’t say anything. “Don’t take it too hard on him, though.”
“I’ll try,” I said before turning to leave.
“River,” Jesse said, and I looked over my shoulder. “Don’t take it too hard on yourself.”
I bit my lip before offering him a pained smile. “See you tomorrow.”
He nodded, breathing through his nose as his eyes raced over me. I turned, staring out the door and my mind flashed to Adam the night Bobby died. Adam’s was arm linked in mine as we walked out these same doors; our laughter bouncing off of the vestibule as he swept me into his arms before racing to the car in the rain. I stood frozen with my hand on the crash bar as I stared at the sunny day outside, a horrible juxtaposition to the clouds in my mind and the tears I felt dripping down my cheeks.
When I got to the school, the kids were still outside for recess. Several of them jumped up and waved as I walked up the steps. I smiled back and acted like nothing was wrong. I was becoming way too good at pretending.
“Hi there, River!” the secretary said from behind her glass. “You know the drill!”
She passed the clipboard, and I shook my head. “Adam called because he’s stuck in the bathroom–sick to his stomach. Do you know if Principal Michaels is available?”
She looked at her computer screen, typed quickly and then nodded. “His office is the first door on the right.”
I was a horrible liar, and I felt my hand trembling as the buzzer sounded letting me know I could proceed. I grit my teeth before walking through and turning to the office where Principal Michaels was opening his door.
“River, nice to see you!” he said.
I raised my shoulders up, nodding up the stairs to where Adam’s class
room was. “Adam called me on his cell phone– he’s not doing too good. It seems I may have brought home the flu going around at my work. I came to pick him up. I hope that’s okay?”
Principal Michaels nodded. “Better at home than sharing it with the kids here. Crazy how these things wipe through places of work and schools.”
“For sure,” I replied.
“Well, the next time I see you, hopefully, it will be under better circumstances.”
“Agreed,” I said. “I should probably get him.”
I turned to the stairs and headed up them, only letting the breath I was holding out once I made it to the top.
He bought it. Thank God.
I headed down the hallway towards the sign for the restroom, and my heels clicked against the marble floors, echoing through the corridors in a way that made the hair on my neck stand up. I always hated it, but at that moment, the noise seemed compounded. I didn’t want to draw any more attention because my heels sounded like a rhino was rampaging in the hallway. I reached the door and prayed it was him in there and not someone else. I gulped in air, feeling it sear into my lungs before I knocked.
“Adam?” I asked.
“Riv?” he replied, and I heard the door unlock.
I stepped into the bathroom and looked at him. His hair wasn’t slicked back anymore and instead fell in his eyes as he yanked at his tie. His hands went into the air, forming fists before he rubbed the back of his neck, squeezing his eyes shut. “I’m sorry. I just–“
I shook my head, cutting him off. “Where’s the bottle?”
Adam took it out of the sink, and I put it in my purse before nodding to the trash can. “You’re going to want to put your head in that and make convincing vomiting noises. You already look like hell.”
“Thanks,” he mumbled, and I raised an eyebrow at him.
“Vomiting noises,” I said as he grabbed the trash can and pulled the half-full garbage bag out of it.
I smirked at him.
“What?” he asked as he dropped it on the floor. “I don’t need to actually be vomiting, do I?”
Faded Perfection (Beautifully Flawed Book 2) Page 5