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Little Conversations

Page 18

by Matilde, Sibylla


  Chapter 20 – He’s Free

  The room was silent as everyone watched the drama playing out.

  Jake took another step towards her, his hands closed over her shoulders as she looked at him incredulously. “Devin, you’ve got to know… I love you. I never stopped loving you. I need to be with you.”

  Devin turned her head to Ronin again. He looked long and hard at Kim who stood beside him. She stood almost as tall as him in her heels. She had long, wavy blonde hair and deeply tanned skin. Her blue eyes gazed tearfully back at him through her lashes. Devin’s insecurities amplified, constricting her throat as Ronin closed his eyes while he took a deep breath. He then scanned the faces in the room, stopping to focus on Jake for a moment. Then he turned to Devin and spoke in a serious and somber voice.

  “He’s free. The love of your life. All yours again.”

  Astounded, Devin’s mouth fell open. It felt as though all the air had suddenly left the room, leaving everyone breathless.

  Devin’s chest tightened. “What?” she whispered.

  “He’s who you’ve always wanted,” Ronin gestured to Jake. “He and Melanie broke up. That’s what you’ve been waiting for, isn’t it?”

  Devin was shocked. “He only wants me back because he saw me getting close to you.”

  “Whatever the reason, he’s here. For you. Your dream come true.”

  Devin’s eyes flicked over the blonde beauty at his side. “And Kim’s here…” she murmured.

  Ronin nodded. “Yeah… and Kim’s here.” Kim eased closer to Ronin, slipping her arm around his waist as a small tremulous smile lit her face.

  Devin chewed at her lip and fought to breathe.

  “Sweetheart,” Ronin smiled coolly, “you know you don’t have to stick around on my account. We both know exactly what we’ve been doing. Just two people fucking around and biding our time because the people we really wanted to be with didn’t want us back.” He looked back to Kim and said, “Now they do.”

  Kim smiled tearfully at him with a slight nod.

  Ronin looked back at Devin and exhaled in a harsh laugh. “We were nothing special. We were never meant to last. We’re friends, remember? Nothing more.”

  Devin suddenly felt nauseous. The person he really wants? Nothing special? Nothing more? Once again, she didn’t measure up. Once again, tall and blonde won out, was able to sweep away everything she loved. Her mind raced blindly, desperately searching his expression for some hint of sentiment. His words shredded her to the core.

  Yes, they had been friends. And they had never said it was more. They had never said anything at all, really. But, somehow, some part of her had started thinking it might be… wishing it could be. Looking at beautiful Kim standing beside him, her ego tumbled into a downward spiral. Her self-confidence fled. Evidently it was just her. After everything, he still wanted Kim.

  Devin stood frozen in place, stunned and speechless. She wanted to scream at him, to demand that there was more to this, more to them. With every fiber of her soul, she wanted him to hold her and say that she had come to mean something to him. She ached to hear him say that maybe they did have something. That they were more than friends. That there was a silver lining in their fucked-up emotional cloud.

  But Ronin slid his arm around Kim’s shoulders. The world seemed to stop as Kim turned her head to smile triumphantly at her. An icy shield began to creep up through Devin. Ronin had loved Kim. Once upon a time, he was going to marry her. They were going to have a family. He had never really gotten over her. And, really… why would he want a mousy little thing like Devin when he had beautiful, blonde Kim?

  Devin couldn’t fight this battle again. She had tried to make something from nothing once before. She had put her heart and soul into living off the fantasy in her mind, and it had very nearly annihilated her as the truth had collided with her again and again.

  Her eyes travelled across the room at the audience of speechless partiers. They stopped at Jake, and she remembered how pitiful she’d been the last few months with him. Begging. Pleading. Beseeching. Taking whatever scraps he threw at her. Shamelessly waiting and hoping, only to be heartbroken over and over.

  In that moment, the barest sliver of self-respect emerged, and she furtively resolved not to lose herself again in that horrid codependent need. She was determined not to hang on until the bitter end, until all her pride smooshed into a little puddle on the floor full of self-loathing and shredded ego. Not this time. This time she would hold her head up, look Ronin in the eye… and let him go.

  Even if it ripped her apart inside.

  Despite her whisper of bravado, she couldn’t talk. She could feel a sob trying to claw its way from her chest, and her strength was wavering. Any sound that emerged from her throat was likely to crumble her. So she took one last look at Ronin, searching his face for the faintest hint that this wasn’t all one-sided. Desperately yearning for some little sign. But witnessing his impassive hazel gaze, his hand gently rubbing Kim’s bare shoulder, she took a deep breath and forced a brittle smile. With a ghost of a nod, she grabbed her purse, walked out of the kitchen, and out the front door.

  Her heart had completely and totally shattered.

  As she quickly fled down the front steps, she realized someone was behind her. For a split second, her heart leapt. Ronin? She turned and saw Jake instead. All her emotion exploded.

  “What the hell!? What was that all about!? You… you left me! This was all over so long ago, and I was an idiot to keep on wanting you. You don’t get to do this to me anymore, Jake! We are fucking done!”

  “Devin, I—” He stopped, and started again. “Let me give you a ride home. We need to talk about this…”

  “No!” she screamed at him. “No! Fuck you! I’ll walk!” Devin angrily marched down the driveway towards the street, past Jake’s truck. At the last second, she turned sharply back to him, pointing her finger in his direction. “Breaking up with me… that was the best thing you ever did for me! I don’t care if you are with Melanie or not! I don’t want anything to do with you. I don’t ever want to see you or hear you, ever again. JUST. GO. AWAY!”

  Devin walked home. She unlocked her door and looked around her little duplex as she dazedly flipped on all the lights. A month or two ago, in her melancholy, she saw traces of Jake. Now she saw ghosts of Ronin. Everywhere. The couch. The kitchen. The back porch. The front door. She stepped into her bedroom for a moment remembering the last time Ronin had been there. His fight with Jake.

  And afterwards, their frantic kissing and touching and loving. Loving? Not so much, Devin supposed.

  She couldn’t think about Ronin. She had to figure out where she went from here.

  Digging her phone out of her purse, she noticed a text from Amy asking if she was okay. She texted back quickly, knowing Amy would show up before long if she didn’t.

  Fine. Home. Going to head to bed. Don’t worry.

  And then she sent a text to her cousin, Sorcha, after which she grabbed her suitcase and began to pack. Clothes. Makeup. Shoes. Hair products. A few accessories. A little of everything she’d need to get by for a while. Grabbing a few garbage bags from under her sink, she began bagging things in her linen closet, all her blankets and towels. She started a load of laundry and piled the rest of her dirty clothes and linens in front of the washing machine. She began to take things off her walls, off her shelves. She’d get some boxes in the morning for the items she wanted to keep.

  Long into the night Devin worked. Mechanically. Somberly. Not crying, though. She would not cry.

  When the sun rose, she drove her little Jetta to the grocery store and picked up some boxes and newspapers. Straight back home where she packed any remaining items she wanted to keep. She tossed a great deal and put the other things in boxes to donate.

  At about eight-thirty, she received a text back from Sorcha.

  Check your email. Ticket info in there. Monday it is.

  Devin sighed thankfully and sent a reply.


  Thanks.

  She spent the rest of the day hauling the boxes containing her few meager possessions to a storage unit, packing everything tightly into the small space. Her place began to empty out. Nothing but the furniture remained. None of it was hers, as her duplex had been furnished when she moved in. She didn’t think she’d want it anyway, even if it were her own. Ronin had snuggled up with her on the couch. He had held her and touched her and loved her in the bed. No, not loved… He still loved Kim.

  We both know exactly what we are…

  At around noon, she stopped by her landlord’s place and gave him the next month’s rent, but also written notice that she’d be out at the beginning of the week if he wanted to rent her duplex out right away. She called a cleaning lady to come in Monday afternoon to make sure she was leaving the place cleaner than she found it. Devin told her where the extra key was hidden above the back door. There would be a payment on the kitchen table, and she could leave the key on the counter when she was done with the place.

  She called the utility companies and told them everything would go back to the landlord after Monday. She’d pay the bills online as soon as they were available.

  Taking a deep breath, she stopped in at the Sundowner, feeling bad about not giving more notice. But Margaret, her boss who had become a motherly figure over the last few years, seemed to understand how close she was to breaking. In spite of the copious amounts of Visine that Devin had poured into her bloodshot eyes. In spite of the layered-on makeup to detract from the gaunt appearance of her over-tired features. In spite of the extra time Devin had taken to carefully fix her hair. Once again, she was playing the role of someone who had their shit together. But clearly, Margaret saw through her polished exterior to see the anguish that churned inside. Not only had she been okay with the lack of notice, she gave her a parting gift of $500. “To help you get settled, sweetie. Wherever you end up.”

  When it was all said and done at the end of the day, Devin spent her first Saturday night in weeks completely alone sitting in her bare little duplex. Everything had been packed away. Only a sleeping bag and one pillow on the bed. No dishes in the cupboards. No linens in the hall closet. No clothes in her bedroom with the exception of one comfortable, casual knit dress hanging by a hook on the bedroom door. She would wear it Monday with the pair of comfortable sandals below it. Her suitcase sat on the floor, full to the gills for her trip to California.

  For a few moments, she imagined the wild bash that was probably, at this very minute, filling Ronin’s little bachelor pad. This time, she couldn’t stop the tears that pricked at her eyes. She could picture Joe’s eighties and nineties eclectic mixture of music echoing through the house. She wondered if he was playing Van Halen or ACDC right now. She could see people perched on the couches and chairs, quarters dancing around the kitchen. She could imagine the party skanks looking for someone to latch onto. She wondered if one of them would latch onto Ronin, then morosely remembered.

  Kim was back.

  The house bunnies would be out of luck. She forced herself to stop thinking about it when she began to imagine him and Kim. His flirtatious smile. His strong arms curving around her waist. His firm and gentle lips on Kim’s neck.

  Him leading Kim to his bedroom.

  Devin turned off her light and lay down in the sleeping bag on her bed. Almost twenty-four hours to the minute after Ronin had set her straight, exhausted by the physical strain of the day, the emotional havoc of last night, and an overall lack of sleep, Devin finally allowed herself to cry. Wretched sobs and a flood of tears. Her heart felt shriveled in her chest. Her whole body ached. She let it all out, conceded to her hurt, and wept for what seemed like forever. As her tears began to subside, her exhausted body slipped into unconsciousness.

  Tomorrow, she’d call Joanie at school and let her know. She’d call Amy to see if she could drive her to Bozeman to catch her flight the next morning.

  Monday… she’d be gone.

  Chapter 21 – Escape

  The plane touched down in San Diego. Devin watched out the window as they taxied in. She smelled the salty sea air the minute the door opened. She followed the trail of passengers as they disembarked and wound their way to the baggage claim. An email from Sorcha had indicated she would be able to pick up the keys to the beach house from a neighbor. Sorcha had flown out earlier this morning. She was sad to have missed her, but Devin had actually planned it this way. Her initial email, knowing Sorcha had to leave Monday morning, simply said:

  I can leave Monday.

  She didn’t want Sorcha to see her so beaten down.

  The days faded into one another. Sunrises and sunsets. Watching the waves roll in.

  Devin replayed the past few weeks in her mind, over and over. The sweetness of those little conversations late at night in Ronin’s room. And the agony when it all came crashing down around her.

  Ronin.

  The people we really want to be with…

  Jake had tried to call a few times, leaving voicemails pleading to talk. Devin didn’t answer or respond. All the love she once felt for Jake was now reduced to annoyance, practically revulsion. Anger with the way he so easily fucked things up all over again. But maybe he had actually done her a favor. Ronin had all too quickly become so vital to her. His warm smile. His joking nature. His sweet protectiveness. But she hadn’t been so important to him. And then? Kim.

  Just friends, remember? Nothing more.

  She could still see the shock on Ronin’s face when he realized Kim was standing in his kitchen with tears in her beautiful eyes. The turbulent emotion that had radiated from him still rocked her senses.

  Joanie and Amy had called a few times. Checking to make sure she had made it okay. Wanting to know if she needed anything. Wondering when she was coming back.

  Maybe never.

  She had no path, no plan. Sorcha’s for a couple weeks, and then? Who knew.

  Joanie was doing well at school. Devin heard all about Joanie’s new roomie, who was no way near as fun as Devin. Joanie talked about the classes and the parties and the hot guys on campus. She avoided discussing Jake and Melanie. She avoided discussing Ronin even more. Joanie could evidently hear the sadness reverberate through the phone, though. Every so often, she’d ask, “So, are you okay?”

  “I’m fine,” Devin reassured her. “Really, I am. I just… I can’t be there anymore.”

  Then she called Amy, who was terrified that she was going to be terribly lonely and bored now that both her best friends were gone. She missed Devin fiercely and made her promise repetitively that she’d stay in close touch. Amy was planning to visit Joanie at school during the upcoming weekend. She chattered on about the plans they had before asking Devin the dreaded question. “How are you doing, really?”

  Devin took a deep breath, steeling herself to answer. “I’ll be okay, Amy. This isn’t the worst thing I’ve ever been through.”

  Liar, she thought to herself. Even with Jake, as much as it had hurt to see things ending, she had never felt worthy of him. She had never really felt as though he was tied to her, only that she wanted him. And his continued emotional abuse throughout the years had left her just slightly relieved to finally see things really truly end. Finally, she was free of the mind games and the feeling of walking on pins and needles.

  But Ronin?

  Ronin had made her feel loved. Cherished. Worshipped.

  Just two people fucking around, biding our time because the people we really wanted to be with didn’t want us back…

  In his mind, they’d been ‘fucking around,’ but in hers, he’d been her solid ground. In the short few weeks they’d spent together, he’d become the star on the horizon that had gently kept her centered. The warm comfort in a storm. The fragment of kindness in what had been for so long an unkind world.

  Devin drove Sorcha’s car to the beach every evening, to the bluff where she used to go with her parents as a kid. Families would be playing in the sand below her, slo
wly starting to clear out as the sun began to dip into the ocean. She missed her Montana sunsets, as there was something about the mountain air that made them so incredibly spectacular, but this was a close second. The scattered clouds and haze from the smog cast a warm glow across the sky. For a few moments, she was able to catch just a small taste of peace.

  She also had Sorcha’s little black Pom-Chi for company. Lancôme. Leave it to a model to name a dog after makeup. She once had a cat named Estée Lauder.

  Lancôme liked to snuggle, which was nice. She barked at everything, which was not. Every seagull that landed near the deck, every jogger running along the beach made her bark. But, she was a living soul that tempered Devin’s loneliness. It gave her a focus, aside from Sorcha’s houseplants that Devin was trying desperately not to kill.

  They walked on the beach, they hiked in the hills—small hikes for a small dog. Devin’s energy was diminished and physical strain was not appealing, so this worked well for her. She spent darkened evenings in the hot tub sunken into Sorcha’s deck, watching the moonlit waves roll onto the beach as the stars did their best to peek through the clouds and the smog. Lancôme would stand guard beside her head, occasionally turning to affectionately lick random tears that spilled down Devin’s face.

  Devin still had no idea what was next. When Sorcha came back in another week or so, if she hadn’t decided, she’d throw a dart at a map. She still had the money she’d been saving for school. Maybe she should apply somewhere else. Look into starting someplace in the spring. She still had no idea what she wanted to do, but she could start with general education courses until something sparked her interest.

  And so, this became Devin’s life for a short time. The world continued to turn. Life went on around her.

  The bar was packed, as usual on a Friday night. Ronin sat nursing his beer, also very much the norm these days. Joe and Shane mingled with the other patrons of the bar. Matt and Amy danced out on the floor. Ronin had managed to avoid contact with Shane’s little sister since that awful night. It felt strange seeing Amy without Joanie and Devin.

 

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