“Helena!” Stugardt yelled. “Are you with us?”
Helena blinked and pulled herself from her reverie.
“We’re getting hammered!”
Helena glanced at the tactical display and then sought the Proxan minds on the two battleships. The closest ship was hers for the taking, but they would probably have to retreat from the second one. Perhaps.
“They are firing torpedoes along kappa-four, thirty-seven degrees,” she said. “Come to mark two and discharge aft-port batteries nine through twelve.”
As the crew followed her orders and the immediate danger was avoided, Helena said, “Come to twenty four degrees and fire a full broadside on my mark.”
Nathan raised one of his eyebrows and said, “A full?”
“We won’t be able to fire again for three minutes,” Stugardt said.
“I know,” she said. “Twenty seconds until my mark.”
Nathan pulled Helena aside and whispered, “Listen, I know how it feels to make a mistake and you want to make up for it as soon as possible. We will be defenseless for three minutes if I allow this order.”
Helena looked into his eyes and found less there than before. She was diminished to him because of her actions. Time froze as she wrestled with the conflict in her heart. Why couldn’t she separate herself from the violence she needed to unleash upon the Humans? Was she too close to her enemy?
Clearing the unwanted thoughts, Helena exhaled and said, “Trust me. I’ll keep us safe for three minutes. They’ll either retreat after we deal this decisive blow or they’ll pursue. I’m sensing they will withdraw.”
Nathan searched her eyes for an answer to his questions. Was he right to put his heart out in the open? Was his own vision clouded by his feelings for this alien? How could she fail so completely?
Helena’s heart stung with each doubt and regret she read on his mind. How much damage had she caused? Her people won a great victory today with the destruction of the Bastion, but she endangered her mission. No, that wasn’t the weight on her heart. The real damage had been done in Nathan’s eyes. His doubts stung like a fresh wound.
“Admiral, carry out Lady Helena’s order,” Nathan said. “Full broadside on her mark.”
With only a second to spare, Helena said, “Mark!”
Moments later the Proxan battleship flared and imploded. Halfhearted cheers escaped from a few of the bridge crew as everyone watched the massive vessel disintegrate.
“The other battleship is withdrawing,” Admiral Stugardt said.
Chapter 32
Helena discovered doubts in her heart as she cried herself to sleep. Meditation was impossible. Her guilt over destroying that many lives – enemy or not – burdened her heart. Was her father’s path an evil one? How would history remember the Antarans? Would she be able to return to her life once this was over and the blood gone from her hands? No. She decided her hands would never be clean.
Forgoing food, Helena remained in her quarters the next day. She couldn’t face the crew. What did they think of her now? Did they still trust her? Did she endanger her own mission? Helena reviewed the previous day’s events in her mind and if she was to ensure the safety of her people, her decision was valid. Math and duty… was that all there was to her?
Her door chimed and she heard Nathan’s voice.
“Lady Helena?”
Helena took the time to inhale and exhale three times. This trick calmed her nerves to a more manageable level.
She opened the door and forced a smile. “Yes, Captain?”
Before he spoke, Helena sensed his surprise. She wasn’t wearing her Gima tattoos! Helena turned away from him.
“I… I came to check on you,” he said. “It’s late, and we were wondering where you were. May I enter?”
“You shouldn’t see me like this,” Helena said. “It’s not proper.”
Nathan stepped into the room behind Helena and put his hands on her shoulders. That wasn’t proper either!
“Listen,” he said as the door closed behind them. “We’ve all made mistakes. It comes with the territory, with what we do.”
Helena pulled away, even though her heart flipped over in her chest in response to his touch. Unsure what to do, she sat on her cot. Even with the distance between them she wasn’t able to turn her face towards him. She hoped he didn’t sense that her mood was not from what he perceived to be a tactical failure.
“I… I am sorry,” she said.
Nathan joined her on the cot and lifted her chin with his index finger. He looked into her eyes and said, “Nobody blames you. The move was an aggressive one. This is war, and people die.”
Helena heard his words, but her attention was on his lips. Would one taste be so wrong? Could the heir to the throne indulge her own heart? Was she allowed happiness?
“You know,” he said as he leaned backwards in the cot, “my first mistake caused many deaths as well. But it also led me to you.”
Puzzled, Helena asked, “How do you mean?” Though she could have probed his surface memories, she found her concentration unreliable around him. He flared emotions she’d never felt.
“In that skirmish above Antares, I misjudged my enemy,” he said. “It cost me my ship, most of my crew, and it cost many Antaran citizens their lives when we crashed into your city.”
“I… I didn’t know.”
“As much as I regret that mistake,” he said. “I am also thankful that I was brought to you.”
“Me?”
“Can’t you read my heart?” he said, leaning towards her.
Helena concentrated, but found that she was unable to sense his feelings. She sensed her own emotions and she knew at that moment that she loved this Human. Despite her duty to her people and her mission, she couldn’t deny her own heart. The feeling blinded her senses and judgment. She realized she needed to regain control.
Helena stood and turned away from him. “I think you should leave now,” she said. “This is not allowed.”
“Allowed?” He rose and placed his hands on her shoulders again. Helena’s skin erupted in Goosebumps. “Why do you hide that beautiful face?”
“You cannot talk to me like this-”
“Like what?” he said. “You mean, I shouldn’t tell you that time stands still when I see you? That gravity itself retreats from the area and you appear in slow motion as my heart stops? That your luminous eyes consume me? Why can’t I tell you these things? I need to-”
Everything was crashing around her. His words, his closeness was dangerous.
“I… I-”
He whipped her around and kissed her. Helena’s world exploded into a cacophony of pleasure, guilt, and yearning. She needed him too.
Helena returned the kiss, remembering Marcella’s lesson. She ran her hands through his brown hair and pressed her body against his. Her walls crumbled and she allowed herself a moment of vulnerability and joy. What choice did she have? Her heart was in control.
He pushed her to the cot and covered her as he trailed kisses down to the base of her neck. With a growl, he removed her nightgown. She didn’t protest. This wasn’t as tender as she read in her Antaran books, but Humans apparently had their own set of rules.
With each kiss, her skin felt as if it was on fire. She squirmed in delight when his mouth roamed. Moaning, she lifted her body in response.
Then, he stopped.
They stared into each other eyes for a few moments and Helena felt a connection unlike any she had ever known. He smiled and kissed her tenderly as she felt his body against hers. Helena wondered for a moment where his pants had gone, but her musings quickly fled as she was filled with anticipation. This was the moment she had denied herself for far too long.
When it was over, she was encompassed by a new sense of peace and wholeness. The love of a partner was more than platitudes and dedication. There was also this part. She realized her task had become more difficult, but she didn’t allow herself to focus on that eventuality. At that moment,
she chose love.
Chapter 33
Helena awoke in an empty bed. She yawned and couldn’t remember falling asleep. Why didn’t she sense Nathan when he awoke and left her? Helena shook the fog from her head and saw the note:
Helena,
I would have enjoyed waking by your side, but duty calls. If you awaken before 0900, I will be in the officer’s lounge for breakfast. You are more than welcome to join me.
I meant what I said last night – my world stops when you are near. You have my heart.
Helena paced her quarters with the note in hand as her adrenaline rushed throughout her body.
What was she thinking last night?
“You weren’t thinking and that’s the problem” she said aloud as she stopped and studied her face in the mirror.
Did she really think she was justified in her actions? Her heart was in control? What kind of a justification is that?
Now, separated from the rapture of the moment, she regretted. Though she believed her feelings for Nathan were as real and immediate as her feelings for her people, she needed to bury her desire.
But how?
Helena shook her head and felt lost for the first time since her mother died. She had nobody to turn to for answers. Marcella told her to enjoy the captain. Valeria already disapproved, and she didn’t know the whole story. Prisca. She needed Prisca.
“Where are you right now, my sister?” Helena asked into the mirror.
Her reflection held no answers.
Realizing she had time for a shower, Helena slipped her nightgown over her head and started the water. She smiled as she remembered Nathan’s aggressiveness in removing the garment from her body the night before. As the memory dominated her consciousness her fingers and toes tingled.
No! she scolded herself. Keep those thoughts out of your head.
After her quick shower, she donned a simple blue dress and headed into the busy Jupiter corridors where repair crews worked. The ship was a mess as the recent battles had taken their destructive toll.
Helena arrived in the officer’s lounge and she felt Nathan’s excitement at seeing her. His mind strayed to the memory of their lovemaking and her thoughts weren’t far behind. Where was her control?
“Good morning, Captain, Lieutenant,” she said without betraying any emotion on her face.
“Lady Helena,” Nathan said, “I hope this morning finds you well?”
She nodded and sat across from them.
“Hello, Lady Helena,” Lieutenant Rhom said with a smile.
“Lieutenant.”
“You can call me Sandra when we’re off-duty.”
Helena nodded and said, “As you wish, Sandra.”
“Did you sleep well last night, My Lady?” Nathan asked. His mind was full of mischief. He enjoyed the secrecy.
“Very well, thank you, Captain,” Helena said.
Helena’s airy mood crashed when she sensed Rowe enter the room. Her back was to the door and she cursed herself for her carelessness. She found his mind difficult to read again. In his position, he was well-skilled in subterfuge, so her troubles made perfect sense. She was confident she could break through his barriers with more time.
Rowe strode to their table and said, “Did you two have a fun night last night?”
Helena remained calm while she sensed Nathan’s panic and Sandra’s confusion.
“The Lieutenant and I did not see each other last night,” Helena said forcing him to play his hand if he wanted to.
Stepping to face her, Rowe glared into her eyes and said, “You know what I’m talking about, you whore.”
Nathan shot out of his seat and his chair crashed to the floor. Everyone in the officer’s lounge stopped and watched.
“I’m going to assume I misheard you,” Nathan said. “You should leave. Now.”
Rowe pulled a chair underneath him from the adjacent table. “Sorry, Captain,” he said. “I have orders to watch this… outsider. That’s what I intend to do.”
“It’s okay,” Helena said, attempting to calm Nathan’s rage. “Insults from such a petty, insignificant man mean little to me.”
Instead of inciting him, Rowe simply shrugged and said, “I could say the same for you.”
“Careful,” Nathan said. “”I can only forgive so much.”
“No, Captain, you should be careful,” Rowe said. “Don’t you have a regulation against fraternizing on your own vessel?”
The secret was out. Already.
Sandra’s eyes widened. A few of the closer officers stopped in mid sentence, trying to decide if they correctly heard the accusation.
“Now,” Rowe said, “I’d be surprised if your crewmates would think well on you sending me to the brig. Sending me there to protect your alien whore would cause-”
Helena sensed Nathan’s violence before he swung, but she didn’t stop him. Nobody on Antares would dare call her or one of her sisters ‘whore.’ Though Rowe was a despicable creature, she still felt the sting of the word. Was she a whore? Was she simply taking control of the captain so she would be in a better position to destroy the Jupiter? Helena wanted to believe that her emotions for Nathan were real, but she couldn’t be certain. This was new territory for her heart.
Nathan landed a fearsome punch squarely into Rowe’s jaw, sending the assassin to the ground. The crew watched, stunned.
“I won’t send you to the brig,” Nathan said, “but each time you insult her, you risk a broken jaw. Understood?”
Rowe remained on the floor, amused by the turn of events. “I should have your marines arrest you,” Rowe said.
Nathan stepped forward and said, “Ask them, and see how far that gets you.”
Helena stood and placed her hand on Nathan’s arm. “Please, that is enough. You do not need to waste your energy on this man. He is of no consequence to me.”
Holding his jaw, Rowe stood and said. “Perhaps I should head to sick bay so they can properly log the captain’s violence.”
Rowe exited the lounge and Nathan’s breathing returned to normal. He sat and said, “I’m sorry. That was a childish thing to do.”
Returning to her chair across from him, Helena said, “Doesn’t it feel good? Hitting him?”
Sandra said, “If you want, I can hold him down so you can get a punch in there too, My Lady.”
Helena shook her head and warmed as the memory from Terra resurfaced. “No need, I’ve already done that.”
Nathan chuckled and rubbed his fist.” Yeah, it did feel pretty good.”
♦
After breakfast, Nathan and Helena shared the same lift to the bridge. She eyed him as the lift ascended. No, the previous night wasn’t a mistake. She needed this. She needed him. As long as she was close to him, she decided to heed Marcella’s advice and enjoy her time.
She stopped the lift in between decks and locked her eyes on his.
“How long until they think something’s wrong?” she asked as she moved towards him, surprised by her own aggressiveness.
“I’ve thought of nothing but you,” he said breathlessly as he scooped her into his arms and attacked her with his lips.
She invited him into her mouth and trembled at the rush of pleasure. Their tongues separated for a moment as he pushed her against the wall of the lift and held her there. He spread her legs and pushed her dress upwards. She didn’t stop him.
The ecstasy came as quickly as before and Helena wondered why Humans rushed their lovemaking like they rushed everything else in their lives. Marcella taught her that these moments should last for hours, not minutes. However, Helena was too hungry for him – too eager to feel the rush of her own body against his. No, this suited her just fine. She didn’t need or want the marathon sessions for which her sister was famous. She enjoyed the cloak and dagger affair that had started with the captain. She was walking along the razor’s edge and she found she craved the danger of it.
Helena straightened her hair and retouched her tattoos as Nathan resume
d the lift’s ascent. He tucked his shirt into his pants and attempted to calm his own racing heart. Apparently he was equally exhilarated by their arrangement. Maybe she was just feeding off his emotions? Helena shook her head and tried to focus on her duties.
♦
The Jupiter kept on the move for the next few days while the crew repaired the damage from the recent battles. Helena’s sisters had begun the attack upon the Proxans and nobody suspected their plot. During the downtime, Helena poured over information from the attack on the Bastion. Pushing aside her guilt over her hand in so many deaths, she repeated the questions in her mind. What were the Proxans looking for? What was so important about that passenger liner they captured? She studied the passenger manifest again and noticed something odd.
“Dr. Jamie Moore?” Nathan asked as he reviewed Helena’s findings. “Never heard of her.”
He secured the door to his quarters and brushed a kiss behind her ear. Helena’s skin responded with Goosebumps. Her concentration slowly regained its focus as he returned to his desk. Pushing his work aside, he focused on her. His mind buzzed with the possibilities as they weren’t expected on the bridge for another hour.
“You probably wouldn’t,” Helena said as she attempted to rein her galloping heart. “I did some digging, as you Humans call it. Dr. Moore is a nanobiologist.”
“Nanotech?”
“Yes,” Helena said. “Microscopic cyborg organisms designed to perform all manner of tasks. Part living, part machine, the study of nanotechnology was outlawed by your church a few centuries ago. It has since faded into your history.”
“This doctor was studying rouge science?” Nathan asked.
Helena sat across from him, retrieved her datapad and tucked a strand of silvery black hair behind her ear. “There’s more,” she said. “The Proxan’s biology is symbiotic with nano organisms. Some of your history books hint that the Humans created the Proxans, as an offshoot of their own evolution, using nanotechnology. They cannot survive without nanos.”
For Duty (Antaran Legacy Book 1) Page 21