“They wanted her for her research?”
Helena felt a twinge of regret over diving straight into business with Nathan. If she had delayed telling him everything, perhaps they could have enjoyed some time in his cot. Now, the moment had passed.
Helena punched a code into her datapad and turned it towards him. “They’re dying,” she said.
“What?”
“Everything makes sense now,” she said. “When I am in their minds, I feel their sense of urgency. I never knew where it came from until now. They are a dying race and they need breakthroughs in their science to continue their existence.”
Now came the difficult part – she needed to lie again.
“Dying? How?” Nathan asked.
“I must speak with my sister Prisca to discuss my theories in detail,” Helena said, “but I think there is a genetic disease within the nanos that they cannot cure. It laid dormant for millennia until something triggered it.”
And the lie: “They were planning on attacking Humanity if we didn’t rekindle the war,” she said. “They reasoned that if they could defeat their only rivals, they could focus on reversing their extinction event.”
Nathan studied her and said, “If they were planning a major offensive, we didn’t catch wind of it. Are you sure about this?”
“Well, it doesn’t matter now,” she said. “We started things up for them. Trust me. All the disjointed thoughts in their minds make sense now. They captured the doctor because she made some underground breakthroughs in nanotechnology. The Proxans are desperate.”
Nathan returned his attention to the data feeds on the surface of his desk. “Well, the good news is coming in now,” he said. “Lady Valeria reports major victories all along the front line. We’re already pushing them back.”
The thought of slaughtering a dying race twisted in Helena’s stomach. Somehow everything had gone sideways. They hadn’t known about the Proxan’s state. Was the Antaran plot even necessary? Were the Proxans on the verge of surrendering before her father intervened?
Dangerous thoughts, she cautioned herself. Such theories were the workings of her heart which desperately wanted to find an alternative.
“Thank you for the update,” she said.
Her words were empty as she struggled with the new information about the Proxans.
“I’ll get your report to High Command,” Nathan said. “And I’ll arrange a meeting with the Jupiter, so you can talk with Lady Prisca about this.”
Helena examined him and knew that he would do almost anything for her. How could she betray him?The alternative was betrayal of her people and that wasn’t an option.
She settled on his lap and ran her fingers through his brown hair. Instead of talking, she held his head to her chest and journeyed through his thoughts. His mind was alive with opportunities between them. When the war ended, he hoped she would stay with him. Marriage. Children. A life together. He knew he foolishly wanted everything, and a part of him feared her response to such thoughts. He loved her with his whole being. Startled by the depth of his feelings, she retreated from his thoughts and blinked tears back into her eyes. Could she follow through if it meant destroying him?
Silence settled over the room and between them. He appeared lost in his thoughts about their future and she wallowed in doubt. Her mission wasn’t supposed to be this difficult.
The door chimed and she flinched. The admiral.
Helena rose from Nathan’s comfortable warmth and placed her palm on the wall reader. The door slid into the wall and Stugardt smiled as he entered.
“Good day, Admiral,” she said as she passed him.
She was alone with her thoughts as she returned to her quarters. Already responsible for hundreds of deaths aboard the Bastion, now she faced the realization that she was slaughtering a dying race.
As her doubt and guilt mounted, she decided her heart was too active in her thoughts. She needed to corral her unwanted feelings, but she hadn’t settled upon a solution. If she wasn’t careful, she predicted her emotions would be her downfall.
Chapter 34
“My sister,” Prisca said as they clasped hands together. “Does the day find you solitary in mind and body?”
Helena nodded as she translated Prisca’s coded message in her mind. She was asking if they would be allowed to speak alone.
“Indeed, my sister,” Helena said.
“Good day to you, Captain Nathan Connor,” Prisca said. “It is a pleasure to see you again.”
Nathan nodded slightly, as previously instructed by Helena. “The pleasure is mine, My Lady.”
Helena realized her sister was probing his thoughts and she quickly grabbed her arm. Nathan’s recent memories would be like low-hanging fruit for Prisca. Embarrassing fruit.
“We have much to discuss,” Helena said as she whirled Prisca towards the hangar bay lift. “I will return in seven hours.”
“Take your time,” Nathan said, scratching his chin. He likely detected Prisca’s invasion.
“That was foolish,” Helena said as she led Prisca to the captain’s yacht.
After they had boarded and closed the ramp, Prisca turned to Helena and smiled. “I see you have found some measure of happiness with the captain,” she said.
Helena paused her initiation sequence and exhaled. “Those are private memories.”
Prisca sat in the navigator’s chair and examined her. “Private? Since when do you value privacy? I think the Humans are wearing on you.”
Still cautious of listening devices, Helena said, “I’m sorry. It has been a trying few weeks.”
Prisca lifted one of her brown eyebrows. “Indeed.”
The docking clamp refused to budge and Helena couldn’t find the source of the malfunction. Then, Rowe’s voice crackled through the intercom.
“Another unauthorized jaunt?” he said. “I think not. Lower your ramp. Since the captain won’t let me ground you, I’m going with you.”
“Not a chance,” Helena said through the intercom. “We were promised privacy.”
“So you can plot against us?” Rowe said. “Not on my watch. Lower your ramp.”
Helena released her finger from the intercom switch and said, “I hate that man.”
“Hate? Another Human emotion?” Prisca asked.
Ignoring her inquiry, Helena sent a text message to Lieutenant Sandra Rhom.
Release the docking clamp in hangar bay three, please. Rowe is making a scene.
After a few moments, the clamp released.
“No you don’t,” Rowe said through the intercom. “If you leave, I’ll arrest you when you return. This isn’t authorized!”
“Strap in,” Helena said with a wink.
She rammed thruster forward and the yacht shot from the hangar bay. The Jupiter twisted behind them as they curled towards the planet surface. Tan expanses of desert awaited them and Helena reminisced of the test she gave to Terentia. Maybe their mother dreamt of this world and modeled the test upon its lands and people.
“That would be a fun adventure,” Prisca said, sharing Helena’s thoughts as they so often did.
“Terentia passed,” Helena said. “She passed better than any of us did.”
“I know. She’s so special.”
Helena swept the nose of the craft towards the spot she picked and keyed in new destination coordinates.
“Father sees it too,” Helena said. “I just hope-”
Finishing her thought, Prisca said, “-she survives this ordeal.” She examined Helena again and said, “You hope? Since when is that word in your thoughts? The Humans have changed you, sister.”
Helena nodded and withheld her tears. “That is true.”
Nathan dominated her thoughts and she sensed Prisca’s disapproval.
“It wasn’t supposed to go that far,” Prisca said. “Can you control your feelings?”
Helena glanced at Prisca and said, “Of course.”
Smiling, Prisca said, “I see your strength.
Please forgive me for doubting you. As you mentioned, it has been a trying few weeks. Longer for you.”
Helena eased the yacht to the ground and initiated the shutdown sequence. Flying was easier than she thought it would be. Unfortunately, everything else was far more difficult.
They settled on a green patch of grass near a fertile oasis. The sun bore down upon them, but their hoods and eyeguards kept the harmful rays at bay. Certain they could not be heard, they finally relaxed.
Prisca spoke first.
“You seem weary,” she said, her hazel brown eyes full of concern. “Share with me.”
They joined hands to enhance their words. Helena always felt at peace when she was close to Prisca. They shared a passion for science and always had something to discuss. Now, however, the topics were grim and heavy.
“I don’t know what to do,” Helena said. “My feelings for the captain and some of the other Humans have clouded my judgment. I love him, Prisca, and I cannot allow that.”
“I see,” Prisca said, evaluating Helena’s words and thoughts together as a comprehensive whole.
“You see how he makes me feel?” Helena said. “Have you ever felt like that?”
Prisca shook her head. “Never. For all her improprieties, I don’t think Marcella has either. What you feel is rare, by my calculation. Even amongst the Humans.”
“I cannot control it,” Helena said. “I thought about trying a hormone suppressor or other medical solution, but they all hamper my ability to concentrate. I cannot afford either!”
“I see your despair. Allow me to meditate upon your dilemma for a few moments.”
They released their hands and Prisca moved closer to the water to assume a meditative pose. Unable to focus, Helena failed again to meditate upon a solution. Her fate was in her sister’s hands. Prisca must find a solution.
The bright yellow sun moved across the clear blue sky and Helena grew uneasy. What if Prisca couldn’t solve her problem? Could Helena return to the Jupiter and execute her plan? Could she kill Nathan when the time came?
The same doubts swirled in her mind as she watched her sister. After what seemed like days, Prisca rose and dusted sand from her dress. She looked into Helena’s eyes with a sorrow Helena had only seen one other time – when their mother died.
“I know what you must do,” Prisca said.
Helena embraced her sister and said, “Tell me. I feel so lost.”
Before Prisca spoke, Helena sensed the solution. The terrible and necessary solution.
“No,” Helena said. “I… I may never recover.”
“That is a risk,” Prisca said. “But to ensure your heart doesn’t overwhelm your mind, you must. I see no other way.”
So clouded was her mind, Helena had forgotten about the mental exercise taught to them by their mother. The act, if successful, would sever all emotion. It was meant to be a last resort to avoid interrogation or another equally unpleasant ordeal. With all her emotions blocked, she would be free from her feelings towards Nathan. Only her duty would remain.
If not executed properly, she risked the permanent loss of her heart. The joy of spending time with her sisters, the comfort she felt with others and her contentment in her career as a physician – all gone. Forever.
The love for Nathan would also be stripped from her.
“That’s the point,” Prisca said as she read her sister’s thoughts again. “Since you cannot control it, you must remove the object of your desire. It’s too risky to kill him before we attack Proxus and reassigning you, if even possible, would look suspicious. This is the option that retains our chance of success. Anything else lowers the numbers. Do the math, you will see it in perfect order.”
She had already run the calculations. Prisca was correct. This was the only way.
Helena touched her forehead to her sister’s, closed her eyes and said, “If I fail, and I don’t recover-”
Prisca gasped, surprised by her sister’s strong feelings. Then, she relaxed and smiled. “You love us. We know. We love you too, sister.”
“Rest easy. I will do this,” Helena said.
“You will succeed.”
They sat and watched the mirror-like surface of the water ripple gently after each breeze. If she wasn’t in the middle of a war and surrounded by so much self-doubt, Helena guessed she would have found the locale quite peaceful. Instead, she struggled with her haunting thoughts.
Despite her bravado, she wasn’t sure she could succeed. The process to sever all emotion wasn’t a trivial task. When her mother taught her the technique, a younger Helena didn’t realize the price she would need to pay. Helena hadn’t discovered the all-encompassing love she now felt towards Nathan. Her most difficult obstacle was losing her connection with her sisters – a worthwhile price to pay for whatever goal required such extreme measures.
Now, she was uncertain of the price. Was it too steep? If the process rendered her heart dead then she wouldn’t even realize the truth. She would be condemned to a prison of her own making, never knowing the joy she felt when she was with Nathan.
“Such is the price of duty,” Helena whispered after many hours of silence.
Prisca nodded as she shared her sister’s grief. All seven of them were altered in significant ways, like a stream altered by a falling boulder. Helena wondered at the changes they now caused to many generations of Antarans. Humans and Proxans too. They were changing the course of history.
“Your adversary, Rowe, is causing quite the ruckus on the Jupiter,” Prisca said, her head cocked to the sky.
Helena frowned when she concentrated on her shipmates. Rowe was making life difficult for Nathan and the others.
“We should return,” Helena said. “I accomplished what I came here to do. As always, my dependable Prisca has saved the day.”
“I live to serve,” Prisca said.
Helena recognized that it had already started – Prisca was making the transition to an empty heart easier for her.
Dependable Prisca.
They exchanged farewells before boarding the captain’s yacht. No need to show the Humans any more than they had to, Helena reasoned. The trip was silent as Helena maneuvered into the Jupiter’s docking bay.
“I will see you soon,” Helena said as Prisca departed for her own shuttle destined for the Saturn.
“When this is over,” Prisca said and she turned towards her waiting crew with all the regal splendor of an Antaran Princess.
Rowe stormed towards Helena the moment Prisca was clear.
“I’ve already contacted the Church,” he said.
Without acknowledging him, Helena strode towards the lift.
“They will override the Council,” he said. “Then your little game will be up.”
Finally turning to him, she said, “Do you have anything of value to say to me? I have duties to attend.”
“The Church has power,” he said with a sneer. “Your days are numbered, witch.”
“If I’m not mistaken,” Helena said, “witches were spiritual leaders and well respected, according to your ancient history. It wasn’t until men like you felt threatened that they were unlawfully hunted. Are you complimenting me, Rowe? Or are you one of those shortsighted men who fears what he cannot comprehend?”
After a pause, he said, “Your words are like poison! Know that I am not fooled, witch.”
As the lift closed, she said, “I see you are the latter.”
She sensed him fuming as she rode towards the officer’s deck. He was dangerous so Helena decided to keep tighter mental tabs on him. Religious zeal had a way of turning people dangerous. Well, she reasoned, Rowe was an assassin and zealot so he was twice as unpredictable.
More complications.
The Jupiter repaired her wounds while the rest of the Human fleet pushed forward into Proxan space. Helena reviewed the reports on a daily basis to ensure her sisters were safe. The uncertainty and anxiousness would have been unnecessary if Helena could have found the strengt
h to remove her feelings. Instead, she frequented Nathan’s bed and procrastinated.
After several weeks, Helena decided to attempt meditation again. She had never gone this long with such a cluttered mind. Alone in her dark room, she lit some candles and allowed her doubt and guilt to wash away from her. She acknowledged each concern and then let it pass though her. Once her mind was clear, she examined her current situation.
Nobody suspected her real motives concerning the Bastion, so she was safe there. The reality behind the state of the Proxan race still disturbed her. Did they choose the right side? No, it didn’t matter. Their goal was to destroy both enemies.
The war effort moved forward as her sisters engaged the enemy and won several key battles while the Jupiter underwent repairs. Her sisters were alive and well. Nobody had detected their plot. The only audible opposition came from the Human Church. They cautioned the Human populations against the “witchcraft” of the Antaran people. So far, that movement had gained little ground. Only a few news outlets featured Church zealots.
The last topic on her agenda was her heart. Perhaps Prisca’s solution wasn’t necessary. Helena attempted to view her love for Nathan as a vacation – a temporary state of being for her. She knew she must concentrate on the war and on her mission. If she remained conflicted, she would be forced to employ the emotion-severing technique taught to her by her mother.
That path was dark and she didn’t see her future in it. Helena shook her head and examined her face in the mirror upon the far wall.
“What will you become?” she asked aloud.
The intercom in her room buzzed. Lieutenant Sandra Rhom’s voice carried through the speaker. “Lady Helena?”
After a pause, she said, “Yes, Lieutenant?”
“The captain requests your presence in the war room,” Lieutenant Rhom said. “The strategy session is about to begin.”
She had lost track of time during her meditations. That was a positive sign. Perhaps she could discover an alternative.
“Thank you, Lieutenant.”
For Duty (Antaran Legacy Book 1) Page 22