The Knights Dawning (The Crusades Series)

by James Batchelor

  He stroked the side of the horse absently as he gazed at her plaintively in her riding clothes with her face flushed nicely from the exertion of the ride. “Ah, yes, well I must beg your forgiveness on that score, milady. But would you believe it? It is rumored that there are those hereabout that would do me harm? Me! I know,” he said, raising a hand to forestall her imaginary objection, “it is unthinkable. It is no doubt a rumor started by someone jealous of the many glorious honors that have been showered upon me by the locals.”

  “How have you been, William?” she asked, locking his gaze with her own.

  “I uh. . .” he stumbled over his words. Leah was so guileless, it made it difficult for him to maintain his flippant attitude around her without feeling vulgar. “My dear, I have seen the world and much that is in it. My mind has been expanded by God's creation and withered by the meanness of man,” he said expansively as though he had been a pilgrim on a journey of spiritual enlightenment.

  Leah took another step toward him, vexed by his refusal to speak to her as a confidant. “You know that I remain ever your faithful friend?” she assured him. “I am as interested in your well-being now as ever I was.” He only looked away. “Do you believe me?”

  He smiled at her sadly. “I know your heart is and has always been true.” They were silent for a long time as they gazed into each other's eyes, hers so hopeful and his so sad. “And what of you? I expected you would be married with many children about your feet.”

  It was Leah's turn to avert her eyes. “No,” was all she said.

  “Leah—” William blurted but brought himself up short. She looked up hopefully. “Leah,” he sighed. “Pray tell me that one such as yourself, so beautiful, so good is not pining for something that can never be.”

  “I am not sure what you mean,” she dropped her gaze again.

  “My soul is dark and depraved. I have been cast out and hunted. I am despised such that even Lucifer himself will not reclaim my soul. I live in limbo until the final state of my soul is determined and consigned to my eternity.”

  “Why would you say such horrible things?” she asked, now taking a slow step toward him. She was disturbed by what she was hearing but encouraged that he had dropped his flippant manner and was speaking to her from his heart.

  “I have seen so much of the darkness of mankind, I have seen—I have done so much that convinces me man is not worth saving, that all this despicable race should be wiped from the face of the earth.”

  “So you made mistakes,” she protested passionately. “We all have. You should not have to carry those with you the rest of your life.”

  “Do I have the right to forgive myself when those I hurt clearly have not forgiven me?” he queried. “The mistakes I have made, the evil I have committed can never be undone. The lives I have taken, the scars I have left on the lives of all those around me will never vanish. Is it right that I should not carry the burden of these things when others must carry it forever more?”

  “No, you do not have the right. You have the duty to put these things away. You have done what you could to make amends, you have spent years serving God. It is not your right to take the power of forgiveness that the Lord has reserved for himself and put it in the hands of lesser men and women. Repenting means to turn away from your sins. What more can a penitent man do to show he has turned away from his sins than what you have done?”

  “I am grateful for your confidence in me, but it is quite unwarranted. You cannot and I hope never do know even half of the evils I have done, or you would turn from me and never again look back.” William smiled wanly. “You know, even in the service of God I was lengthening out my time in purgatory.” Leah did not reply, so he continued. “The horrors of war make people do things they would not otherwise do. They blur the line between right and wrong; they turn the clear cut black and white boundary of everyday life on its head. And if you are the victor, it is left only to your conscience to determine whether you were acting for the cause of good or of evil, and I stopped asking that question a long time ago.”

  “I know you had to do horrible things, things that I cannot even imagine; but my confidence in you evinces many certainties regarding your behavior. You were forced to make decisions that no one should have to make, but I know your character, and I know you made the best decisions possible. I know that your men were better off because you were their leader than had it been someone else. It is only because you are good that you are weighed down by these things. You must forgive yourself your mistakes. Living under a constant barrage of our own failings is too much for anyone to withstand for long.”

  “In all that, the only thing that has kept me from surrendering to utter despair—one thought, one memory has made me question whether there might not be something deeper, more beautiful, more gentle in this world than what I see, better than what I have become. I cannot bear the thought of that perfection, all the potential for happiness and good that it entails, going unrealized in the shadow of a sweetly loyal but misplaced affection.”

  “You assume too much.”

  “Leah, tell me it is so, and I will believe you,” he said, suddenly intent on her. “Tell me you would not pass on a single moment of happiness because of some pour soul that will never be worthy of you. Tell me, and I will be satisfied.”

  “You have my word that I shall not deprive myself of a happy situation,” she assured him. “But I will also firmly promise that I shall not be matched with one who does not have my heart... and has no probability of earning it.” She again met his eyes and held his gaze. All the years they had been apart passed in that moment. He was so guarded, there were so many demons he had yet to confront, but he was still the good-hearted young man with whom she had spent her youth.

  “Leah,” he sighed. “I am not my own agent. There is much I would have done differently if I knew then what I know now. There is so much good I could have done. How easily could I have made changes that would have put my life to good use instead of wasting it?”

  “But don't you see, don't you see?” Leah seized on the opportunity. “You cannot go back, but you will one day find yourself thinking the same thoughts about today. Your willingness to throw away today because of mistakes made yesterday will rob you of a joyful tomorrow, just as surely as the mistakes of yesterday have robbed you of the joy you might have had today.”

  “Why do you do this to me?” He suddenly seized her by the shoulders. “My life is forfeit. God has not forgiven me!”

  “William,” she said, fearful of his passion. “I don't know what you mean. Please, you’re hurting me.”

  “Why can't you see this? You will be the instrument of my downfall.”

  “William, please,” she pleaded, not scared of him but discomfited by this insensibility that she did not recognize in him.

  “The moment I care about something, the moment I have something to lose, he will take it from me.”

  “Who who will take it from you?”

  “Aren't you listening to me?” He released her suddenly and turned away.

  “I am listening, but you are not making sense.”

  “God will take it from me! I should have been struck down a thousand times on the field of battle, and yet here I stand because I was expecting death, because I looked for it. I would have embraced death. And here I am staring at goodness and beauty in the face that tantalizes me with a life of contented happiness. It can never be! I live because there is no reason for me to live. I live because my death would be no punishment. The moment I have hope, the instant I have an expectation of a life beyond this hollow existence, I am a dead man!”

  Leah's brow furrowed. At first she thought him to be joking but shortly came to be disturbed by his words. “William, God is not punishing you.”

  “Then who else?” he demanded, taking several steps away to separate himself. “The devil, given leave to dispose of me as he would, would snatch my soul and seal me his as my soul is primed. It is only God's power then
that would preserve me. Yet my actions do not warrant such protection.” William turned back to her and looked deep into her eyes, and his voice softened. “You do not understand...” he sighed and sat heavily on the sacks of grain he had been loading onto the wagon. “I have scarcely taken a step in this life that I have not left a wake of devastation in my path. Even in my attempts to atone for it, I was only lengthening out my time in purgatory. Returning home— here— is the best reminder I might have had of that.”

  “But you are not that person anymore,” Leah protested, “that person who did those things.”

  “That's where you are wrong,” he cut across her. “I am exactly the same person that I ever was. If you believe you see improvement in my character, I assure you it is only your affection that colors me in better shades than I deserve.”

  “So you made mistakes. We all have. You should not have to carry those with you the rest of your life,” Leah protested. He smiled at her. “What?” she asked, suddenly self-conscious.

  “You are just too good; you do not understand.”

  “My confidence in you evinces many certainties regarding your behavior,” she repeated.

  “I should very much like to know on what foundation such confidence is placed.” William folded his arms, looking slightly amused at her.

  Leah was unsure of herself. She felt it was important to say just the right thing here, but she did not know what that was. She had always believed in William’s nature, that he ultimately always did the right thing, but she did not know how to make him believe that of himself. “The mistakes you made in your early years, you never intended the harm that came as a result.”

  “Not at all. I always intended the harm I caused. Granted, there may have been unintended consequences, but I always intended to hurt those that crossed me, and any who stood on their behalf were counted as enemies along with them.”

  She made a face at his argument, and William started to turn away. So she changed tacks, feeling that time was growing short. “Your life is a gift!” she said passionately. “What are you doing with that gift?” William stopped short, half turned from her. Leah became conscious of her own labored breathing. She had not been aware of how impassioned she had become. She heard Edith approaching. “Please do not waste it,” she implored him softly, turned, and was gone, leaving William alone with his haunted thoughts.

  CHAPTER FORTY-EIGHT

  David leaned over to kiss his little daughter’s angelic sleeping face. “Are you leaving now, Daddy?”

  “You are supposed to be asleep,” he tried to sound stern but could not hide his smile.

  “I wanted to be awake when you left.”

  “Well, I am glad you are, but we must be very quiet so as not to disturb your mother.”

  “Daddy, are you going to die?” she asked suddenly.

  “Whatever are you talking about, Rachel? Why would you ask such a thing?”

  “Mommy said you were going away on a dangerous journey and you could get hurt or even die.”

  “She did, did she? Well, your mother worries about me a lot.”

  “Is that true?”

  “Impossible,” he said flatly. “You remember that story I told you about the knight that vanquished the dragon? Well I am traveling with my friend William, and he is a magical warrior.”

  “Like the knight in the story?” she asked in awe.

  “No,” he said mysteriously. “He is like the dragon.”

  “The dragon? But the knight slayed the dragon,” she protested.

  “No, he only vanquished him. You cannot kill a dragon. All you can do is send him away for a while.”

  Her eyes opened wide. “Your friend is magic like the dragon?”

  “I think he might be. I don’t believe he can be killed, and the way he moves on the battlefield is nothing short of magical.”

  “And he will keep you safe?”

  “Actually, your daddy is going to keep him safe.” Rachel’s eyes opened even wider. “You must be magic, too.”

  David laughed and hugged her. “You know, I think I may be.” He stood to leave after kissing her one more time and committing her to return to sleep.

  “Daddy?” she said as he neared the door.

  “Yes, dear?” he turned back indulgently.

  “Is your friend really that strong?”

  “He is the greatest warrior I have ever known... now go to sleep.”

  CHAPTER FORTY-NINE

  The sun would not be up for an hour or more when Henry walked into the courtyard that was already bustling with activity. They were leaving under the cover of darkness to attract as little attention as possible.

  Henry scanned the crowd for familiar faces. David and Neil were there; Henry was not surprised. They were William’s oldest friends. Who else would William have been able to go to? He saw several other familiar faces, some who had come willingly, others who had grudgingly agreed after trying to negotiate a price for their services. While technically obligated as sworn knights of Dawning Court, it was not uncommon for unscrupulous knights to cite some important but non-essential, official duty as an excuse to not fight when they were called upon. It was a tried and true political method of soliciting more money from their liege to pay the “fees” for someone else to maintain the critical “duties” that would be neglected in the knight’s absence, and with a volunteer request such as this, it was a prime opportunity. Henry, of course, would have none of that, but he wondered if either of William’s old friends had employed such a scheme. He had known them both over the years, and Neil in particular seemed somewhat more mercenary than David. If either of them were going to employ such a device, it would definitely be Neil, he thought.

  Beyond those two Henry spotted Roland. Thomas and William were nowhere to be seen yet. He chastised himself for not ensuring that William had not fled during the night again. Then he realized how cynical he was being and reminded himself to be on guard for that.

  Into the torchlit courtyard an old familiar face came into view leading a fully-loaded mount and several pack animals behind him. Henry was shocked. “Anthony?” He took a few quick strides to his cousin.

  Anthony grinned a warm smile under his brown locks. “Well met, Henry.”

  “Well met, Anthony. What wind have you blown in on?”

  “My family was in the area transacting some… business, and I heard of the trouble. What could I do but offer my sword?”

  Henry frowned. “I might have known we could not have kept this a secret,” he grumbled. “Are you quite committed to this cause? It will be very dangerous.”

  “I am certain. This is your brother, and I am here to help.” They clasped each other’s arms in the only form of an embrace their heavy armor would allow. “I am very much cheered to see you. It eases my burden somewhat,” Henry told him.

  “Is this all who are riding with us?” Anthony asked skeptically, looking around at the relatively scant number of knights, a number that seemed even smaller with no squires, servants, or drummer boys.

  Henry nodded. “I will explain more when the time comes, but we thought stealth would serve us better than force on this occasion.” Anthony nodded his understanding, surveying the other knights in various stages of preparations.

  These men were a mere fraction of the armies that Braden Dawning had commanded, but in the decade-and-a-half since his death, funds had dwindled and so had the knights and soldiers that remained faithful to the Dawnings. These fifty men represented approximately a fifth of the entire ready complement of knights of Dawning Court with perhaps a thousand more available from surrounding friendly areas that could be called upon in a pinch—provided the pinch was not the neighboring friendly areas no longer being friendly.

  Martha had entrusted this piece of information to her boys on the previous night that they might understand the gravity of the situation as well as the tremendous trust that was being placed on them and this mission. It was by virtue of this secret as well as a general igno
rance of the deep divisions in the house of Dawning that kept would-be enemies at bay.

  “Sir Anthony, I trust you will excuse me while I check on the men.” Anthony nodded his ascent, and Henry made his way over to Roland via David and Neil, greeting various friends and acquaintances as he went.

  The two were sitting casually, trying to outdo the other with past accounts of battles in which they had allegedly participated. “Have you had adequate time to prepare?” They had each prepared their respective supplies at their individual homes and arrived ready to go, as opposed to the routine militia that relied on Dawning Court to provide everything from their weapons to their food.

  “No, frankly,” David said, “but I did not think the enemy would wait on me.”

  “I have been ready for an hour,” Neil said shortly, making no effort to hide the annoyance he was feeling at being made to wait.

  “Have you made doubly sure you have all you need?” asked Henry, ignoring his tone. “We intend to travel very quickly, and there will be very little chance to forage, hunt, or acquire needed supplies. If you need more supplies, now is the time. Everyone else is stocking up,” Henry added, noticing David’s single sparsely-loaded pack animal. Virtually every other knight traveled with at least three other animals to carry additional food, clothing, armor, and weapons and would have more had they allowed it. But David had only the one. Henry felt certain that this was a result of circumstance rather than choice.

  ”I am prepared,” Neil said shortly.

  ”As am I,” David added.

  Just then one of the stable boys walked over with a bag of supplies over his shoulder. “Pardon me, sir— sirs,” he said, addressing David but looking up at each of them. “Sir William requests that you would take this,” he said to David.