Just for the Rush

by Jane Lark

  She leaned across the car and touched my cheek, like she was going to say something but didn’t. I gave her a kiss and she tried to make it passionate, but I wasn’t playing. I pulled away. ‘I’ll see you tomorrow.’

  ‘Okay.’

  By the time I got home she’d texted me, ‘I do love you. It was because I don’t feel as good as you. That’s all xxx <3’

  I looked at it. I didn’t want to not reply, I’d learned from that error, and she’d said something nice, and I loved her… ‘I do love you too. And you’re better than me! See you tomorrow.’

  I sat down and played on the PlayStation. I couldn’t sleep. I’d been going to say so much more to her… I’d been looking forward to today for fucking days and she’d ruined it.

  This was what was wrong when I couldn’t control stuff – sometimes things worked out and sometimes they didn’t. I hated it when they didn’t. It was like going to a boarding school and losing all control overnight. It was that feeling of sheer panic that had set me up to become such a driven person. As much as I was controlling, life controlled me; life had had its foot down on my accelerator ever since I’d been a kid, pushing me to fight, to get in charge and keep everything ordered in a way that I could manage and come out on top.

  I’d thought with Ivy I could be different – that I could let go…

  Chapter 26

  I got into the office early so I could speak to Emma before Jack came in. She was always the one who opened up. I hadn’t slept and my eyes were red from crying. It was stupid. He’d said he loved me and I’d spent the night in tears.

  ‘Emma, can I talk to you, in private, in case anyone else comes in?’

  She gave me an impatient smile that said, I don’t want to get caught up in the middle of you and Jack. But she was the only person I knew who knew him well enough. I picked up a pen out of the pot on Jack’s desk as I waited for Emma to come in, and my fingers began clicking the nib in and out.

  ‘You spent the night upset, I take it.’

  I looked up and put the pen down as she came in. ‘I’m sorry, I know you don’t like me seeing Jack. But I love him and I upset him; he didn’t upset me. But he’s still angry and I don’t know how to fix it. We haven’t argued before.’

  She sighed. ‘Ivy, I’d rather not get involved. It’s awkward you two dating; it’s awkward for everyone.’

  ‘I’m sorry.’ I was going to walk out, but she caught hold of the sleeve of my coat.

  ‘Jack flares up sometimes; it burns out quickly. Just ride it out and don’t let it get to you. He told me he said he loved you. If he said it, he meant it. He wouldn’t say it lightly. But for the record, I did hate you two dating, but I was coming around to the idea until you fell out yesterday. Just don’t fall out very often. The rest of us do not want to be involved in your arguments.’

  When Jack came in about half an hour later he frowned at me. I didn’t acknowledge him. I thought maybe I’d start crying again if I did.

  I saw Emma go in and talk to him and my cheeks heated. But she could be talking to him about work – except he came out of the office when she did and came over to me. ‘Come on, let’s do a coffee run. I’m paying for coffee!’ he said the last sentence to the room. ‘If you want something, you’d better tell Ivy quickly!’ The orders were shouted out and I wrote them down.

  He gripped my hand as we walked out to the lift. ‘You’re eyes are red. Have you been crying?’

  I nodded.

  ‘Why?’ he said it in a dry voice – not a concerned voice.

  ‘Because you’re angry with me.’

  He sighed. ‘I am allowed to be angry when I say I love you and you throw it back in my face.’

  ‘That wasn’t what I did.’

  ‘Well, that is what it felt like.’

  I slipped my hand free from his as we reached the ground floor.

  He didn’t speak as we walked around to the coffee shop, but then he said, when we were in the queue, ‘Em just had a go at me. She reminded me how vulnerable you must be feeling with that guy still sending you stuff. I’m sorry. I probably overreacted.’

  ‘There is no ‘probably’ about it.’ I turned into him, clutching either side of his jumper and began crying against his chest. ‘I do love you, but I was too scared to risk saying it and—’

  ‘Because you thought I couldn’t love you.’ His arm came around me and his hand settled on my back. ‘Well, you were wrong. I’m a risk-taker, remember. I thrive on it. So if you think you and I are a risk, I say take it. I think there’s good odds I can stay with you and not get bored. So does that mean you think I’m worth the risk?’

  I straightened up and thumped his shoulder. ‘Yes.’

  ‘Well, thank the Lord for that, because I was going to ask you about moving in with me, after I said I loved you.’

  ‘You what?’

  ‘It doesn’t have to be right away, but I was going to suggest we took a week off work from this weekend and go away to the cottage to celebrate the divorce too. Then the weekend we come back is my weekend with Daisy and I want to introduce you. I thought the two of you should get to know one another so that as soon as you’re ready you can move in – if you want to.’

  Tears clouded my view of him. I wished I’d kept my mouth shut yesterday. ‘Yes.’

  ‘To what?’

  ‘To everything. To going away, to meeting Daisy, to moving in with you. Yes. But we’d better leave it a month or two before I move in – until Daisy is used to me being around.’

  ‘She’ll love you. There’s no risk in that. I talk about you to her all the time.’

  ‘What can I get you?’

  ‘Good morning, Susie…’ He rolled off the list of orders.

  The woman walked away. ‘Sorry I messed up yesterday. I spoiled your day.’

  ‘Yes, you did.’

  ‘I’ll make it up to you tonight.’ I lifted to my toes and pressed a kiss on his cheek.

  ‘Not tonight you won’t, you’re seeing Rick.’

  ‘Oh poo, yeah, I forgot. Sorry.’ But then I smiled. ‘I’ll come over after.’

  His arm slipped around my shoulders and squeezed. ‘It’s a work night, go home. You can come to mine Wednesday and make it up to me, and then we’ll pack up and go away after work on Friday and escape to the cottage for a week. It’s beautiful up there in June. There are loads of wild flowers – you’ll love it. We could even ride on the bike up to Northumbria. Now there’s another beautiful place…’

  I smiled. It would be strange going back to the cottage – and going there with a Jack who’d said he loved me.

  Half an hour after we got back into work an all-staff email landed in my inbox. ‘Ivy and I are going away for a week next week, so if you need me to do anything urgently you best get on and talk to me about it.’

  I emailed him back. ‘God, you’re so abrupt, Captain Control ;) xx’

  ‘:D and looking forward to next week, when I intend to let Captain Control take a hike and relax with you.’

  Rick slid my pint glass across the scratched wooden table. ‘There you go.’

  ‘Thanks.’ We’d met up to do the pub quiz. As usual we’d been pretty shit at it, but we didn’t do it to win, we did it for a laugh. We had once debated asking Jessica and Jack to join us, but the verdict, led by Rick, had been no because they might be good. It wouldn’t have been fair if they made us look bad.

  ‘One day, Ivy,’ he said as he sat down. It was what he’d always said when we didn’t come anywhere near winning.

  I smiled. ‘Yeah. One day.’

  He smiled back at me, then sipped from his pint before leaning his elbows on the table while one hand gently gripped his pint glass. ‘How’s things, anyway? Have you heard anything more about the guy who broke in?’

  ‘I got another letter today.’ I hadn’t even told Jack, because we’d fallen out.

  ‘What did it say?’

  ‘Just I love you. Jack’s convinced it’s some poor, sad fool who’s
fallen for me. I don’t think the guy ever really wanted to hurt me, whoever he is, and I don’t feel like he’s following me any more—’

  ‘He must watch you, though, if he’s still sending letters.’

  ‘Yes, but it doesn’t bother me so much. Not now the place is secure. I don’t feel scared and, anyway, I’m moving out of there soon.’

  ‘Where to?’ His forehead screwed up.

  ‘Into Jack’s.’ I smiled.

  His knuckles turned white as his fingers gripped his pint glass tighter, and his gaze clung to mine.

  ‘What?’

  I’d thought he’d be… Not happy, I suppose, but okay. Things had changed between us since the break-in, but in a healthy way. I didn’t think of him as a safety rope; he was just a friend. I turned to Jack for everything else.

  ‘Jack said he loved me, and I love him, so we’re taking the next step. I’m going to meet his daughter, we—’

  ‘Aren’t you too young to be bringing up his kid?’

  What? Why did he care? And he’d wanted me to have his kid. ‘No.’

  His eyes became a darker brown, as they did when he was upset.

  I gripped his hand. ‘Hey.’ I didn’t know why he was being strange about it.

  ‘It’s weird, that’s all. Just weird… To think of you living with someone else. I shouldn’t care, though, should I? I have Jess.’

  I guess if the table turned, though, I might feel the same. We’d been together a long time. He still felt as if he was a part of me because he was a big part of my history. ‘Do you love Jessica?’

  ‘Yes.’ It was a quick, emphatic answer, spoken in a hard tone.

  It would be him and Jessica soon, and it did feel weird. We’d grown up together. But we’d moved on.

  ‘I’m happy for you,’ he said, and his hand pulled free from mine. The tone of his voice was flat. ‘I hope it works out.’

  I was still in hope-mode too, even though I’d told Jack I believed him.

  Rick picked up his pint and drank it down. Then said, ‘Shall we head off? I might go around to Jessica’s’

  ‘Yes.’ I drank the last of my pint, gulping it down, then stood up.

  ‘Will you be okay to get yourself home?’

  Since the moment Rick had known about my stalker, he’d walked me home whenever we’d been out. But I’d just told him I wasn’t scared any more. Shit. That had been foolish. I was a little.

  ‘Are you sure you’ll be okay getting home?’ he asked as he held the pub door open, like he’d sensed my trepidation.

  I’d have said no, but he wanted to go and see Jessica. ‘I’m alright, honest.’

  ‘I’ll see you, Ivy.’ He kissed my cheek. I felt like that was goodbye. Maybe we’d moved on so far it was time to stop looking back at all.

  Rick turned and walked in the opposite direction to the way I walked.

  The night was really quiet.

  Even though I didn’t feel as if anyone was following, it was so long since I’d walked in the dark alone I was nervous. Maybe I hadn’t been scared for a while, but I hadn’t been vulnerable either, not like this. The light evenings had meant when I came home from work it was daylight.

  I turned the corner and began walking along another street. Rick wouldn’t hear me if I shouted now, but there were a few other people around, and the guy stalking me had never attacked me and never indicated he would. I kept telling myself that, while I walked, regretting that I’d worn heels and not flats. But then I could just slip my shoes off and run.

  You’ll be okay. He isn’t dangerous, even if he is following.

  I breathed slowly, trying to stop myself slipping into panic while my heart pounded out its anxiety.

  I’d have called Jack, but he’d taken the opportunity of me meeting Rick to climb with some of his friends, and then he’d been going for a drink. I didn’t want to bother him when I was being stupid.

  ‘It’s okay,’ I said aloud. I could take the tube. That would mean I only had a short walk at the other end. It was only one stop, but I’d rather do that than keep walking in the dark. I saw the underground station sign ahead.

  It was okay.

  The station wasn’t busy either, but there were enough people around so that I didn’t feel like someone could do anything to me. When I sat down on a seat in the carriage, I looked at all the guys, to make sure they weren’t looking at me. They weren’t. Most of them were looking at their phones playing games or listening to music with earphones in.

  I breathed in and out steadily.

  When I walked out of the tube station I couldn’t keep controlling my anxiety, though. I gave in and rang Jack. There were two people in the street; my anxiety swept up to overwhelming and my heart felt as if it hit my ribs with the pace of the woodpecker I heard in the trees at the back of my flat sometimes.

  ‘Hi, what is it? You okay?’ It was noisy around him; he was in the bar.

  ‘I’m walking home. I’m scared. I just wanted someone to walk home with.’

  I heard him move, as if he stood up and walked away from the table where his friends were. ‘Where’s Rick?’ Jack’s control had eased a lot, but in the case of my stalker he and Rick passed the baton of looking after me. Whenever I was with Rick Jack didn’t worry, and Rick looked after me and walked me home.

  ‘He’s gone to see Jessica.’

  ‘And you’re scared. It’s okay. I don’t think you need to be. I seriously think the guy doesn’t intend hurting you. You’re alright.’ He’d had a drink, obviously, otherwise Captain Control would be grabbing his cape.

  ‘Thanks. But will you stay on the phone and walk with me?’

  ‘Yes.’

  I was about halfway along the street and my heels clicked on the pavement as I walked. I looked over my shoulder, two people were walking the opposite way, but no one was behind me.

  ‘Do you want me to come over? I can get a taxi.’

  ‘No, stay with your friends. You haven’t had a drink with them for ages, and it’ll take you an hour to get here. I’ll see you tomorrow. I’ll stay at yours, tomorrow…’ I’d reached my place. I walked up the steps and pressed the code in.

  I breathed in when I walked inside and then let out a long breath when the door shut behind me. I hadn’t even realised I’d been holding my breath for the last few strides. ‘I’m home. I’m inside now anyway. I’ll see you in the morning. Have fun, and don’t get too drunk.’

  ‘I’m as sober as a judge.’

  ‘As a judge who’s had a few shots.’

  He laughed. ‘See you in the morning.’

  ‘Bye. I love you.’

  ‘I love you too.’

  I ended the call, then held the phone against my chest. It was a wonderful novelty to say ‘I love you’ to him and hear it back. It made my heart flutter. I smiled when I walked upstairs.

  I’d ribbed him about being tipsy, but I was too. Which was probably why anxiety had got the better of me.

  I swayed a little and it took three attempts for me to get the key in the lock of my door.

  Relief breathed through me when the door closed. I was safe. Cocooned.

  I looked at the bed. The bed Jack had bought and lain in with me loads of times. Being in the bed made me feel better, whether Jack was there or not, because the bed held so many good memories. That was my safe place. I put the TV on because I preferred to have noise around me, then I changed and got into bed and thought about Jack.

  I still felt bad for upsetting him yesterday. I’d book a table at a restaurant tomorrow, a nice restaurant, and pay ahead so he couldn’t pay.

  It wouldn’t be as nice a restaurant as he could get us into, but I’d make it a good night.

  We were going to be alright. We were good together.

  I smiled when I lay down to sleep. I love you… I heard the words in his voice. They were beginning to sink in – seeping into my heart like water absorbed into the ground. I wanted to believe him.

  Chapter 27

  I�
��d discovered something this week. I hated falling out with Ivy. I still had a little simmering anger over her accusation, but the other thing I’d discovered was that she was good at make-up sex. She’d been working to convince me how sorry she was all week and I was milking it dry.

  I smiled as I zipped up my leather suit and shut the pannier on the bike. I’d packed what I wanted to take to the cottage this morning, so I only needed to change, pick up my case and then I was ready to collect Ivy and head off on holiday.

  She’d left work half an hour before me to get home on the tube, but she’d said she was packed too, so we should be able to head off quickly. I was looking forward to a night of great sex, in the house. I’d kept telling her we were going to the cottage, but I’d had the house made ready.

  But it wasn’t sex I was looking forward to anyway – it would be a great night of making love. It was different. Really different from having sex.

  I straddled the bike and its weight between my legs provided its usual sense of stimulation for risk and speed.

  I leaned over the handlebars, rolled the bike off its stand, then turned the ignition on. The engine hummed between my thighs as I rolled forward and lifted my feet up. I rode out of the car park slowly.

  The views from the windows in the house filled my head.

  The lights were on red, so the traffic was stationary across the front of the car-park exit and some stupid asshole had parked on the double-yellow lines about a hundred meters away.

  When I breathed in, the ring I had tucked safe in my pocket, pressed against my chest, near my heart. It had been there since the day before I’d fallen out with her. I’d been sounding her out in the café. I’d intended to propose if I’d received the right signals – not in the café, but I’d planned to take her somewhere for the afternoon. To celebrate my divorce. I’d bought the ring knowing I had the decree absolute. I wasn’t planning a quickie marriage, though, I wanted Ivy to meet my parents and me to meet hers, and do it all properly – maybe even have a really big wedding in a year’s time if that was what she wanted. But I’d just wanted her to know, when I asked her to move in, I wasn’t thinking short term, I was committed. I was certain I’d got it right this time.