The Complete Stories Of Evelyn Waugh

by Evelyn Waugh

  ONE OF LIFE’S UNFORTUNATES.

  Enter a young woman huddled in a dressing-gown, preceded by young Mr. Maltby.

  “The model—coo—I say.”

  She has a slight cold and sniffles into a tiny ball of handkerchief; she mounts the dais and sits down ungracefully. Young Mr. Maltby nods good morning to those of the pupils who catch his eye; the girl who was talking to Adam catches his eye; he smiles.

  “’E’s in love with ’er.”

  She returns his smile with warmth.

  Young Mr. Maltby rattles the stove, opens the skylight a little and then turns to the model, who slips off her dressing gown and puts it over the back of the chair.

  “Coo—I say. Ada—my!”

  “Well I never.”

  The young man from Cambridge goes on talking about Matisse unfalteringly as though he were well accustomed to this sort of thing. Actually he is much intrigued.

  She has disclosed a dull pink body with rather short legs and red elbows; like most professional models her toes are covered with bunions and malformed. Young Mr. Maltby sets her on the chair in an established Art School pose. The class settles to work.

  Adam returns with some sheets of paper and proceeds to arrange them on his board. Then he stands for some time glaring at the model without drawing a line.

  “’E’s in love with ’er.” But for once Ada’s explanation is wrong—and then begins sketching in the main lines of the pose.

  He works on for five or six minutes, during which time the heat of the stove becomes increasingly uncomfortable. Old Mr. Maltby, breathing smoke, comes up behind him.

  “Now have you placed it? What is your centre? Where is the foot going to come? Where is the top of the head coming?”

  Adam has not placed it; he rubs it out angrily and starts again.

  Meanwhile a vivid flirtation is in progress between young Mr. Maltby and the girl who was in love with Adam. He is leaning over and pointing out mistakes to her; his hand rests on her shoulder; she is wearing a low-necked jumper; his thumb strays over the skin of her neck; she wriggles appreciatively. He takes the charcoal from her and begins drawing in the corner of her paper; her hair touches his cheek; neither of them heed the least what he is drawing.

  “These Bo’emians don’t ’alf carry on, eh, Gladys?”

  In half an hour Adam has rubbed out his drawing three times. Whenever he is beginning to interest himself in some particular combination of shapes, the model raises her ball of handkerchief to her nose, and after each sniff relapses into a slightly different position. The anthracite stove glows with heat; he works on for another half hour.

  THE ELEVEN O’CLOCK REST.

  Most of the girls light cigarettes; the men, who have increased in number with many late arrivals, begin to congregate away from them in the corner. One of them is reading The Studio. Adam lights a pipe, and standing back, surveys his drawing with detestation.

  Close up; Adam’s drawing. It is not really at all bad. In fact it is by far the best in the room; there is one which will be better at the end of the week, but at present there is nothing of it except some measurements and geometrical figures. Its author is unaware that the model is resting; he is engaged in calculating the medial section of her height in the corner of the paper.

  Adam goes out on to the stairs, which are lined with women from the lower studio eating buns out of bags. He returns to the studio.

  The girl who has been instructed by young Mr. Maltby comes up to him and looks at his drawing.

  “Rather Monday morningish.”

  That was exactly what young Mr. Maltby had said about hers.

  The model resumes her pose with slight differences; the paper bags are put away, pipes are knocked out; the promising pupil is calculating the area of a rectangle.

  The scene changes to

  158 PONT STREET. THE LONDON HOUSE

  OF MR. CHARLES AND LADY ROSEMARY QUEST.

  An interior is revealed in which the producers have at last made some attempt to satisfy the social expectations of Gladys and Ada. It is true that there is very little marble and no footmen in powder and breeches, but there is nevertheless an undoubted air of grandeur about the high rooms and Louis Seize furniture, and there is a footman. The young man from Cambridge estimates the household at six thousand a year, and though somewhat overgenerous, it is a reasonable guess. Lady Rosemary’s collection of Limoges can be seen in the background.

  Upstairs in her bedroom Imogen Quest is telephoning.

  “What a lovely Kimony, Ada.”

  Miss Philbrick comes into the upper studio at Maltby’s, where Adam is at last beginning to take some interest in his drawing.

  “MISS QUEST WANTS TO SPEAK TO YOU ON THE TELEPHONE, MR. DOURE. I told her that it was against the rules for students to use the telephone except in the luncheon hour” (there is always a pathetic game of make-believe at Maltby’s played endlessly by Miss Philbrick and old Mr. Maltby, in which they pretend that somewhere there is a code of rules which all must observe), “but she says that it is most important. I do wish you would ask your friends not to ring you up in the mornings.”

  Adam puts down his charcoal and follows her to the office.

  There over the telephone is poor Miss Philbrick’s notice written in the script writing she learned at night classes in Southampton Row.

  “Students are forbidden to use the telephone during working hours.”

  “Good morning, Imogen.”

  “Yes, quite safely—very tired though.”

  “I can’t, Imogen—for one thing I haven’t the money.”

  “No, you can’t afford it either. Anyway, I’m dining with Lady R. tonight. You can tell me then, surely?”

  “Why not?”

  “Who lives there?”

  “Not that awful Basil Hay?”

  “Well, perhaps he is.”

  “I used to meet him at Oxford sometimes.”

  “WELL, IF YOU’RE SURE YOU CAN PAY I’LL COME TO LUNCHEON WITH YOU.”

  “WHY THERE? IT’S FRIGHTFULLY EXPENSIVE.”

  “STEAK TARTARE—WHAT’S THAT?”

  The Cambridge voice explains, “Quite raw, you know, with olives and capers and vinegar and things.”

  “My dear, you’ll turn into a werewolf.”

  “I should love it if you did.”

  “Yes, I’m afraid I am getting a little morbid.”

  “One-ish. Please don’t be too late—I’ve only three-quarters of an hour.”

  “Good-bye, Imogen.”

  So much of the forbidden conversation is audible to Miss Philbrick.

  Adam returns to the studio and draws a few heavy and insensitive lines.

  He rubs at them but they still show up grubbily in the pores of the paper. He tears up his drawing; old Mr. Maltby remonstrates; young Mr. Maltby is explaining the construction of the foot and does not look up.

  Adam attempts another drawing.

  Close up of Adam’s drawing.

  “’E’s thinking of ’er.” Unerring Ada!

  “These films would be so much more convincing if they would only employ decent draughtsmen to do the hero’s drawings for him—don’t you think?” Bravo, the cultured bourgeoisie!

  TWELVE O’CLOCK.

  There is a repetition of all the excursions of eleven o’clock.

  The promising pupil is working out the ratio of two cubes. The girl who has been learning the construction of the foot comes over to him and looks over his shoulder; he starts violently and loses count.

  Adam takes his hat and stick and goes out.

  Adam on a bus.

  Adam studying Poussin at the National Gallery.

  Close up of Adam studying Poussin.

  “’E’s thinking of ’er.”

  The clock of St. Martin-in-the-Fields strikes one. Adam leaves the National Gallery.

  TEN MINUTES PAST ONE.

  THE DINING ROOM OF THE RESTAURANT DE LA TOUR DE FORCE.

  Enter Adam; he looks round bu
t as he had expected, Imogen has not yet arrived. He sits down at a table laid for two and waits.

  Though not actually in Soho, the Tour de Force gives unmistakably an impression half cosmopolitan, half theatrical, which Ada would sum up in the word “Bo’emian.” The tables are well spaced and the wines are excellent though extremely costly.

  Adam orders some sherry and waits, dividing his attention between the door through which Imogen will enter and the contemplation of a middle-aged political lawyer of repute who at the next table is trying to keep amused a bored and exquisitely beautiful youth of eighteen.

  QUARTER TO TWO.

  Enter Imogen.

  The people at the other tables say, “Look, there’s Imogen Quest. I can’t see what people find in her, can you?” or else, “I wonder who that is. Isn’t she attractive?”

  “My dear, I’m terribly late. I am sorry. I’ve had the most awful morning shopping with Lady R.”

  She sits down at the table.

  “You haven’t got to rush back to your school, have you? Because I’m never going to see you again. The most awful thing has happened—you order lunch, Adam. I’m very hungry. I want to eat a steak tartare and I don’t want to drink anything.”

  Adam orders lunch.

  “LADY R. SAYS I’M SEEING TOO MUCH OF YOU. ISN’T IT TOO AWFUL?”

  Gladys at last is quite at home. The film has been classified. Young love is being thwarted by purse-proud parents.

  Imogen waves aside a wagon of hors d’oeuvre.

  “We had quite a scene. She came into my room before I was up and wanted to know all about last night. Apparently she heard me come in. And, oh Adam, I can’t tell you what dreadful things she’s been saying about you. My dear, what an odd luncheon—you’ve ordered everything I most detest.”

  Adam drinks soup.

  “THAT’S WHY I’M BEING SENT OFF TO THATCH THIS AFTERNOON. And Lady R. is going to talk to you seriously tonight. She’s put Mary and Andrew off so that she can get you alone. Adam, how can you expect me to eat all this? and you haven’t ordered yourself anything to drink.”

  Adam eats an omelette alone. Imogen crumbles bread and talks to him.

  “But, my dear, you mustn’t say anything against Basil because I simply adore him, and he’s got the loveliest, vulgarest mother—you’d simply love her.”

  The steak tartare is wheeled up and made before them.

  Close up; a dish of pulverized and bleeding meat: hands pouring in immoderate condiments.

  “Do you know, Adam, I don’t think I do want this after all. It reminds me so of Henry.”

  HALF PAST TWO.

  Adam has finished luncheon.

  “SO YOU SEE, DEAR, WE SHALL NEVER, NEVER MEET AGAIN—PROPERLY I MEAN. Isn’t it just too like Lady R. for words.”

  Imogen stretches out her hand across the table and touches Adam’s.

  Close up; Adam’s hand, a signet ring on the little finger and a smudge of paint on the inside of the thumb. Imogen’s hand—very white and manicured—moves across the screen and touches it.

  Gladys gives a slight sob.

  “YOU DON’T MIND TOO DREADFULLY—DO YOU, ADAM?”

  Adam does mind—very much indeed. He has eaten enough to be thoroughly sentimental.

  The Restaurant de la Tour de Force is nearly empty. The political barrister has gone his unregenerate way; the waiters stand about restlessly.

  Imogen pays the bill and they rise to go.

  “Adam, you must come to Euston and see me off. We can’t part just like this—for always, can we? Hodges is meeting me there with the luggage.”

  They get into a taxi.

  Imogen puts her hand in his and they sit like this for a few minutes without speaking.

  Then Adam leans towards her and they kiss.

  Close up: Adam and Imogen kissing. There is a tear (which finds a ready response in Ada and Gladys, who sob uncontrollably) in Adam’s eye; Imogen’s lips luxuriously disposed by the pressure.

  “Like the Bronzino Venus.”

  “IMOGEN, YOU NEVER REALLY CARED, DID YOU? IF YOU HAD YOU WOULDN’T GO AWAY LIKE THIS. IMOGEN, DID YOU EVER CARE—REALLY?”

  “HAVEN’T I GIVEN PROOF THAT I DID. Adam dear, why will you always ask such tiresome questions. Don’t you see how impossible it all is? We’ve only about five minutes before we reach Euston.”

  They kiss again.

  Adam says, “Damn Lady R.”

  They reach Euston.

  Hodges is waiting for them. She has seen about the luggage; she has seen about tickets; she has even bought magazines; there is nothing to be done.

  Adam stands beside Imogen waiting for the train to start; she looks at a weekly paper.

  “Do look at this picture of Sybil. Isn’t it odd? I wonder when she had it taken.”

  The train is about to start. She gets into the carriage and holds out her hand.

  “Good-bye, darling. You will come to mother’s dance in June, won’t you? I shall be miserable if you don’t. Perhaps we shall meet before then. Good-bye.”

  The train moves out of the station.

  Close up. Imogen in the carriage studying the odd photograph of Sybil.

  Adam on the platform watching the train disappear.

  Fade out.

  “Well, Ada, what d’you think of it?”

  “Fine.”

  “It is curious the way that they can never make their heroes and heroines talk like ladies and gentlemen—particularly in moments of emotion.”

  A QUARTER OF AN HOUR LATER.

  Adam is still at Euston, gazing aimlessly at a bookstall. The various prospects before him appear on the screen.

  Maltby’s. The anthracite stove, the model, the amorous student—(“the Vamp”), the mathematical student, his own drawing.

  Dinner at home. His father, his mother, Parsons, his sister with her stupid, pimply face and her dull jealousy of all Imogen said and did and wore.

  Dinner at Pont Street, head to head with Lady Rosemary.

  Dinner by himself at some very cheap restaurant in Soho. And always at the end of it, Solitude and the thought of Imogen.

  Close up: Adam registering despair gradually turning to resolution.

  Adam on a bus going to Hanover Gate.

  He walks to his home.

  Parsons. Parsons opens the door. Mrs. Doure is out; Miss Jane is out; no, Adam does not want any tea.

  Adam’s room. It is a rather charming one, high at the top of the house, looking over the trees. At full moon the animals in the Zoological Gardens can be heard from there. Adam comes in and locks the door.

  Gladys is there already.

  “Suicide, Ada.”

  “Yes, but she’ll come in time to stop ’im. See if she don’t.”

  “Don’t you be too sure. This is a queer picture, this is.”

  He goes to his desk and takes a small blue bottle from one of the pigeon holes.

  “What did I tell yer? Poison.”

  “The ease with which persons in films contrive to provide themselves with the instruments of death…”

  He puts it down, and taking out a sheet of paper writes.

  “Last message to ’er. Gives ’er time to come and save ’im. You see.”

  “AVE IMPERATRIX IMMORTALIS,

  MORITURUS TE SALUTANT.”

  Exquisitely written.

  He folds it, puts it in an envelope and addresses it.

  Then he pauses, uncertain.

  A vision appears:

  The door of Adam’s room. Mrs. Doure, changed for dinner, comes up to it and knocks; she knocks repeatedly, and in dismay calls for her husband. Professor Doure tries the door and shakes it. Parsons arrives and Jane. After some time the door is forced open; all the time Professor Doure is struggling with it, Mrs. Doure’s agitation increases. Jane makes futile attempts to calm her. At last they all burst into the room. Adam is revealed lying dead on the floor. Scene of unspeakable vulgarity involving tears, hysteria, the telephone, the police. Fad
e out.

  Close up. Adam registering disgust.

  Another vision:

  A native village in Africa on the edge of the jungle; from one of the low thatch huts creeps a man naked and sick to death, his wives lamenting behind him. He drags himself into the jungle to die alone.

  “Lor, Gladys. Instruction.”

  Another vision:

  Rome in the time of Petronius. A young patrician reclines in the centre of his guests. The producers have spared no effort in creating an atmosphere of superb luxury. The hall, as if in some fevered imagining of Alma Tadema, is built of marble, richly illumined by burning Christians. From right and left barbarian slave boys bring in a course of roasted peacocks. In the centre of the room a slave girl dances to a puma. Exit several of the guests to the vomitorium. Unborn pigs stewed in honey and stuffed with truffles and nightingales’ tongues succeed the peacocks. The puma, inflamed to sudden passion, springs at the girl and bears her to the ground; he stands over her, one paw planted upon her breast from which ooze tiny drops of blood. She lies there on the Alma Tadema marble, her eyes fixed upon the host in terrified appeal. But he is toying with one of the serving boys and does not notice her. More guests depart to the vomitorium. The puma devours the girl. At length, when the feast is at its height, a basin of green marble is borne in. Water, steaming and scented, is poured into it. The host immerses his hand, and a Negro woman who, throughout the banquet has crouched like some angel of death beside his couch, draws a knife from her loin cloth and buries it deep in his wrist. The water becomes red in the green marble. The guests rise to go, and with grave courtesy, though without lifting himself from the couch, he bids them each farewell. Soon he is left alone. The slave boys huddle together in the corners, their bare shoulders pressed against each other. Moved by savage desire, the Negress begins suddenly to kiss and gnaw the deadening arm. He motions her listlessly aside. The martyrs burn lower until there is only a faint glimmer of light in the great hall. The smell of cooking drifts out into the terrace and is lost on the night air. The puma can just be discerned licking its paws in the gloom.

  Adam lights a pipe and taps restlessly with the corner of the envelope on the writing table. Then he puts the bottle in his pocket and unlocks the door.

  He turns and walks over to his bookshelves and looks through them. Adam’s bookshelves; it is rather a remarkable library for a man of his age and means. Most of the books have a certain rarity and many are elaborately bound; there are also old books of considerable value given him from time to time by his father.