Next Time I Fall

by Jeff Erno

  Growing up, he’d often gotten teased for being so scrawny and skinny. Even in the summer, at the beach, he’d felt self-conscious about taking off his shirt. Since then he’d filled out, developed some muscle. By no means an Adonis, he at least no longer felt shame when he saw his reflection. His gaze traveled downward to his smooth, tight abdominals and then the waistband of his boxer-briefs. His morning erection strained against the stretchy fabric of the tight-fitting briefs. His hand, as if autonomous, moved toward the bulge, but abruptly he willed himself to stop.

  He stepped away from the mirror and stood in front of the commode, closing his eyes as he waited for his arousal to abate. Since early adolescence he’d struggled with masturbation. The very first time, back when he was thirteen, it happened by accident. He didn’t even know what he was doing, only that it felt good. Then all of a sudden, he had ejaculated, and instantly he realized he’d sinned. He’d dropped to his knees and begged forgiveness. Afterward, he went for several weeks before again succumbing to temptation. He’d been having dreams, very vivid dreams that made little sense. They were images of body parts—penises mostly, but not exclusively. He also saw torsos, abdominals, legs…all male.

  These images became his first masturbatory fantasies, which is how he knew for certain they were wrong and unnatural. And when he got into college and met Barry, the fantasies took on a much more precise manifestation. He began envisioning his roommate. He imagined touching him, kissing him, caressing parts of his body…even his penis.

  Steve refused to let his temptations derail his life. He willed himself to ignore the dark, evil thoughts. On the occasion when he became weak and pleasured himself, he immediately prayed for forgiveness. He even spoke with a Christian counselor at Bible college, careful not to share everything, but at least to get some guidance on how to suppress his urge to masturbate. The counselor hadn’t seemed in the least bit surprised and said his sexual desires were normal. Of course, Steve hadn’t mentioned the desires focused on other men. His counselor said to continue with what he was doing, praying and striving to keep his thoughts pure. Eventually God would lead him to the right woman, his chosen mate, and at that point, the masturbation would no longer be an issue.

  Standing by the toilet with his eyes closed, he tried to think of his sermon. He tried to remember the biblical passages he’d be highlighting in his soliloquy. His diversion tactics worked for a second or two, but quickly vanished and were replaced by images of the man he’d met the day before. Those broad shoulders and narrow waist. That smile. The way his pants had hugged his thighs. Steve’s erection throbbed even more powerfully than before. He moaned and slid his hand over to the bulge, feeling its heat through the thin fabric. With just his fingertips, he gently rubbed, back and forth, and when he could take it no longer, quickly grasped the waistband of his underwear and pulled it down. Fisting his hardon, he pumped fast and furiously, all the while envisioning the gorgeous stranger standing on his porch.

  He cried out at the exact moment the bagel popped up from the toaster, and a stream of semen shot out across the toilet seat. His body trembled as a shiver traveled from his shoulders down his spine. He shook his head, holding out one sticky hand. Staring at it with disgust, he leaned over to the sink and rapidly washed it off. He then cleaned up the mess, wiping his genitals and the toilet lid with tissue before at last relieving himself.

  After letting Felix in, he sat down at the kitchen table and shared his bagel. In between sips of coffee, he prayed. “Please Father, deliver me from these temptations. Forgive me for my weakness.” A few minutes later, he gave up on the bagel, handing the remainder to his pooch who eagerly gobbled it.

  “What do you say we go for a walk before church, huh? We still have time. Let me get my sweats on. I can shower and change when we get home.”

  ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

  Even in the month of August, one would think it too early at 7:30am for the Michigan air to be uncomfortably hot and humid. Temperatures didn’t become unbearable, even on the most intense days, until midday. But Steven had been walking briskly, perhaps too fast for his short-legged, stocky dog. He’d worked up a sweat, and the sun, though rising in the east, happened to be beating down on him.

  He stopped to give Felix a break and to catch his breath. “Sorry, buddy.” He looked down, wondering if maybe he should pick up his pup and carry him. He removed his water bottle from its holster on his belt and squatted beside his dog. He squeezed the specially designed bottle to release water into a reservoir from which Felix could drink. Steve had marveled at the new-fangled invention and snatched it up when he came across the display at the pet store. Felix lapped up the water, obviously thirsty.

  When Felix was done, Steve rose to a standing position and recapped the bottle then returned it to its holster. He proceeded to peel off his sweatshirt.

  “Too warm,” he said, looking down to smile at his four-legged friend. Now in just a ribbed tank top, he tied the sweatshirt around his waist. “I guess we should head back home. I need to get ready for Sunday school.”

  He looked straight ahead, across the intersection, to the upscale subdivision he and Pastor Mathers had canvassed the day before.

  “Unless you want to walk down one more street,” he said to Felix. “I mean, we haven’t been over there yet, and it’s only a little ways from home. Want to?”

  Felix looked up him, mouth open, tongue hanging out. Steve took it as an affirmative response.

  “Okay then, let’s go.”

  It was silly, really, for Steve to go out of his way just to walk past the condo of the man he’d met the day before. The chances of seeing him again, especially at this hour of the morning, were slim to none. And even if he did catch a glimpse of the man, what was he going to do? Go up and start talking to him? Wave?

  It just was ridiculous, and Steve knew it, but he couldn’t quite help himself. As he and Felix made it across the street onto the next block, Steve spotted the man’s building. It sat on the corner at the end of the block, and he couldn’t help but notice a car in the drive. It hadn’t been there the day before. The man must have company, and it looked like they must’ve spent the night.

  He sighed and was about to turn around and head back toward home when the door to the man’s condo opened. Steve quickened his pace just a bit and continued walking. When the tall, handsome stranger he’d seen the day before emerged with his dog, Steve smiled.

  “Look Felix, it’s Drake. He’s the one I told you about.”

  Steve felt a smile spread across his face as he headed straight toward the man who wasn’t dressed quite as sharply as he was the previous day. In fact, he wasn’t really dressed at all. He wore only a pair of sleep pants and slippers. Steve took in the sight of the handsome stranger’s naked torso, and his heartbeat quickened. The smooth, sculpted chest could have belonged to one of the models in the fashion magazines Steve used to peruse back in Bible college—just for the purpose of checking which clothing was fashionable, of course.

  Felix and Drake spotted each other at the exact same moment. Drake barked, just once, and bolted, taking his owner by surprise. The leash, which he’d apparently been holding loosely, flew from his hand as the Labrador took off, heading hurriedly toward Felix and Steve.

  Felix froze and crouched just a bit. Truthfully, it was kind of hard to tell. He was so close to the ground to begin with. He let out a single yelp, and Drake stopped a couple feet from him. They stared at each other for a moment as Steve spoke in his most calming, reassuring voice. “Hey Drake, good to see you again. This is Felix.”

  Both dogs sniffed, and Felix tugged against the leash as Drake stepped closer. Drake’s owner rushed up from behind and grabbed the leash, but not before the two dogs were sniffing all of each other…literally.

  “Oh man, I’m sorry.” The shirtless man offered an apologetic smile. “He just took off.”

  “He’s fine, he’s fine,” Steven said. “I knew they’d be friends.” He nodded toward the dogs. “This
is my pooch, Felix.”

  “Hey Felix.” The man reached down to pet him. He looked up at Steven. “You’re up and at ‘em bright and early on a Sunday morning, Reverend.”

  “Oh, I actually have to go back and get ready for church. I teach a Sunday school class. And please, call me Steve.”

  “I’m Eric.” He extended his hand to shake.

  “Nice to meet you, Eric.” The man was even more remarkable up close than he’d been from a distance. Steve’s mouth was beginning to feel like it was stuffed with cotton.

  “Really cute,” Eric smiled.

  Steve gulped.

  “I love bull dogs.”

  Of course, he was referring to Felix.

  “I…uh…yeah, I love them too…and Labs.”

  Eric kept smiling, but with a puzzled expression on his face. He surely must think Steve was off his rocker. “Well, we’ll have to get together like you said. You know, go to the dog park or something.”

  “Yes! Yes, we definitely will have to do that.” Steve nodded furiously.

  “Eric, honey!”

  Steve looked up, glancing over to Eric’s condo where a young woman stood in the threshold of the front door. She was wearing sleepwear, silk pajamas, perhaps.

  “Hon, do you have any non-dairy creamer? Soy milk or anything vegan-friendly…for my coffee?”

  “Oh…yeah. There’s a box of soy milk in the pantry cupboard,” Eric shouted back to her. “Sorry, I forgot to put it in the fridge for you.”

  “Thank God!” She raised her hand in the air and then turned to head inside, but suddenly froze. She turned back around and stared at Steve. Smiling broadly, she waved. “Hi there!”

  “Hi,” Steve said weakly, waving back. “Uh…well, I guess we better get going. Got to get ready for church.”

  “It was good to see you again,” Eric said. “Really good.”

  Chapter Four

  “Oh my God, who was that guy?” Kathleen held her coffee mug with both hands and smiled in between sips.

  “No one really.” Eric walked past her and hung the leash on its hook in the utility room. “What are you doing up already? You never get up early.”

  “That’s a good question, and I saw how you were looking at him.”

  “Who?”

  “The guy! The hottie in the tank top with the cute little doggie.”

  Eric walked over to the console table by the door and picked up the vacation Bible school flyer. “The good reverend…the one who was here yesterday.”

  “The Mormon!”

  “Baptist, but it doesn’t really matter. Both religions hate gays.”

  She raised her eyebrows. “Hm, he didn’t seem to hate you.”

  “I’m gonna go take a shower. Then we can do brunch.” He walked over to the stairwell and grabbed the banister, ready to head upstairs.

  “And I saw how he was looking at you.”

  “I don’t know what you’re talking about.” He quickly raced up the stairs.

  “You’re not fooling me!” she yelled. He’d already reached the top step and was rounding the corner into his bedroom. “I know you!”

  He slammed the door then leaned against it, closing his eyes. Of course, she was right. He had noticed how attractive Steve was. How could he help it? And it had even seemed like the younger man had been flirting with him. He’d kept staring at Eric’s chest, practically drooling.

  No, this was wrong on so many levels. He’d just gotten his heart stomped on by a younger man who couldn’t admit who he was. The very last thing Eric wanted was to become in any way involved with a closet case hiding behind religion.

  He pushed off from the door and stomped across his bedroom into the master bath. He’d sooner go the Grindr route than begin fantasizing about men of the cloth. Max might have been a romantic dead-end, but this Steve guy was a complete stop. There wasn’t even a road to drive down.

  ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

  Elementary school students, those in the first through fifth grades, would have been Steve’s first choice to teach Sunday school. They were by far the most receptive, and generally the most enthusiastic in terms of participation and interest. But Faith Baptist Church already had volunteer teachers for that age group, and the single vacancy when he arrived was with seventh and eighth grade boys, ages twelve to fourteen.

  He liked working with teens, too, but not so much as a Sunday school teacher. He served as a leader and chaperone for the youth group which met on Thursday nights, but that mainly consisted of supervising a planned activity. They did something fun like bowling, skating, or even going to Christian concerts. When away activities weren’t planned, they had game nights and discussion groups. Steve sometimes led them in prayer or offered a brief devotional.

  Sunday school was different. The adolescent and pre-adolescent kids who attended Sunday school usually were not there by choice. Unlike the younger children, they really didn’t find anything enjoyable about getting up early on Sunday, dressing up in nice clothes, and going to a boring class. Most were compelled to be there by their parents, and most came from religious homes. There wasn’t a lot Steve could say to them that they hadn’t already heard a million times before.

  He tried to be creative in his lesson planning, usually including some sort of interactive activity. For his lesson on this particular Sunday, he offered a brief commentary on friendship, discussing the relationship of David and Jonathan. Eight junior high boys comprised his audience, and after their devotional, he served three flavors of donut holes and chocolate milk. They then split into two groups and played Bible Trivial Pursuit for the remainder of the hour.

  At precisely 10:45 a buzzer sounded, alerting the group leaders it was time to wrap things up and dismiss their classes in preparation for the morning worship service in the sanctuary. Steve led his group of boys in a closing prayer before they filed out to head back to the main part of the church.

  “Pastor Warren.” Luke, one of his pupils, had lagged behind and now stood in the threshold of the classroom door. Steve looked up, acknowledging him.

  “Yes, Luke?”

  “I really liked your talk…what you said about friendship and stuff.”

  “Thank you.” Steve looked the boy in the eye. In many ways the young man reminded Steve of himself a few years earlier. For the most part, Luke seemed taciturn. He didn’t insert himself into the group discussions in an extroverted manner. He kept more to himself, but when called upon, he always got the answer right. Even at his age, he knew a lot about the Bible. “Coming from you, that means a lot.” Steve smiled.

  The boy’s cheeks began to flush and he looked down at the floor. “Uh…I guess I better get out there…I mean, before I’m late.”

  “You still have time. Want this last donut hole?” Steve held out the plate.

  The kid shook his head, smiling meekly. “Thanks anyway.” He then turned and exited rather abruptly. Steve shrugged and picked up the donut hole, devouring half of it in a single bite. Luke would only be in Steve’s class for a couple more weeks. When the new school year started, he’d begin the ninth grade and advance to a different Sunday school class. Steve would likely still see him in youth group, though. He was a good kid, and Steve would certainly miss him in his class.

  ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

  Sundays weren’t easy for poor Felix. He had to be alone most of the day, and Steve worried about him. After morning worship service, Steve headed back home to check on his pet. He let Felix into the backyard then hung out with him a few minutes before finally heading next door to the Mathers’. They’d extended a standing Sunday dinner invitation to him the day he’d moved in and become associate pastor.

  David and Evelyn Mathers had almost immediately assumed a parental role in Steve’s life, especially Mrs. Mathers. Like Steve’s own mom, she insisted he needed to eat more and was constantly offering extra helpings. It didn’t help his waistline that she was an amazing cook.

  They had three kids of their own, two teenage boys and an eight ye
ar old girl. Steven genuinely enjoyed the Sunday afternoon meals, gathered around a dinner table as part of a family.

  When Steve arrived at the Mathers’ that Sunday, he was quickly ushered into the living room by the pastor and introduced to another guest, someone Steve wasn’t expecting. “Steve, this is Rachel Tompkins. The pastor motioned toward her, and Steve stepped over to the sofa where she was seated and extended his hand. “Go ahead and have a seat,” the reverend said.

  Steve took his seat beside the young lady, approximately his age, carefully allowing a couple feet of distance between them.

  “Rachel just completed her degree at Grand Rapids Baptist college. She’s an accountant.”

  “Congratulations.” Steve looked at her, still smiling.

  “Thank you. I’m working just as a junior partner right now, just started with a local firm a few weeks ago, after graduation.”

  “That’s awesome.”

  “And Rachel’s single,” the pastor added.

  Steve gulped, then nodded.

  “She’ll be joining us for dinner.”

  As they glanced at each other in that awkward moment, Steve felt like he’d suddenly traveled back in time. His mother used to try to set him up with girls, and the introductions were never pleasant. What was he supposed to say in a moment like that? She seemed very nice—pretty as well—but dating really didn’t interest him yet.

  When Mrs. Mathers called them to the dining room, Rachel took a seat next to Steve and a string of questions ensued from the pastor and his wife. They made a point to mention Steve had a dog after Rachel mentioned her new puppy. They asked both Steve and Rachel questions about their Bible colleges, emphasizing similarities.

  After dinner, to be polite, Steve invited Rachel to his house next door to meet Felix. When he opened the back door, Felix came running—more like lumbering—excitedly, tail wagging, and Rachel squatted to greet him. Felix liked her, so Steve took it as a good sign. “If you’re interested in youth work, our group is going miniature golfing Thursday.”