Next Time I Fall

by Jeff Erno

  “I need to talk to you sometime today plz.”

  The text had been sent at five o’clock that morning. Eric sighed as he sat on the edge of the bed, his elbows resting against his knees. This could be either a good sign or a very bad sign.

  When Steve had left so abruptly the night before, Eric feared that Steve would run charging back into the closet, regretting and denying what had happened. The text suggested otherwise. Maybe he was thinking about it and had to see Eric.

  But on the other hand, he might want to talk to Eric to tell him it all had been a mistake. He might be planning to apologize and insist he wasn’t really gay. If he did that, Eric feared what it might do to Steve’s heart. He’d likely then seek help in the church, and there was no limit to the amount of damage born-agains could do to a young gay man they were hellbent on curing.

  He typed in a reply on his phone: “I just woke up. Can I call you?”

  He had to pee, but he waited. Ten seconds later came the reply: “Need to talk face to face. Plz.”

  Eric’s heart sank. Steve was too much a gentleman to dump via text. He wanted to tell Eric in person. This really sucked. He was getting dumped before a relationship had even started. Well, maybe it was for the best. Kathleen had been right. He’d just wasted two and a half years pining over a boy he couldn’t have.

  “Ok. Meet for lunch?”

  The reply: “Have a super busy day. VBS. Evening church. Can I come over after?”

  Eric sighed. Steve wanted to come over tonight which meant Eric would have to go all day fretting over it and dreading their pending conversation. Reluctantly he answered: “Sure. See you then.”

  ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

  Steve went through the motions of his day as if nothing had happened. He spent the morning preparing a sermon on the beatitudes then perused lesson plans on the Internet for his Sunday school class. He worked out in his spare bedroom, then took a shower and ate a light lunch before heading to the church for vacation Bible school.

  Although he participated and helped in various capacities, he wasn’t a VBS leader. The church had actually invited a team of indigenous missionaries. They traveled around the Midwest—Minnesota, Wisconsin, Iowa, Illinois, and Michigan— conducting bible schools in Baptist churches and used a highly structured, rehearsed program that included music, puppets, movies, games, and skits. During the summer after Steve’s freshman year, he’d actually volunteered with the troupe, and he’d loved it.

  Bible school ran from one to four in the afternoon. The women’s guild provided refreshments for the children during the program and prepared a potluck each day that they served the staff and volunteers. The meals were unbelievable feasts, and the fact they prepared these spreads every day was nothing less than astonishing.

  After the dinner, Steve stayed at the church, helped get things rearranged and cleaned up for the evening Bible study and prayer meeting. As Steve was folding up chairs that had been used for the potluck, he saw Pastor Mathers approaching the church entrance.

  When he pushed through the doors, Steve turned to him and smiled. “Evening sir.”

  The reverend made his way across the room to Steve. “How’d Bible school go? Did we lead any young ones to the Lord?”

  “We did, sir. It went very well. And the dinner...” He patted his stomach. “I’m stuffed.”

  “Listen, I want to ask you about something. I noticed you got in quite late last night and Sunday night. Is everything okay?”

  “Uh…sure. I had dinner with a friend last night and the time kind of got away from us. On Sunday, Felix broke out of the back fence, managed to squeeze through a couple loose boards, and I had to go pick him up when I got home from church.”

  The pastor’s eyebrows arched. “Dinner with a friend? A female friend?”

  “Oh, no sir.” Steve shook his head. “Someone I’ve known from the area.” The pastor knew he’d attended college in Grand Rapids, so it wasn’t inconceivable that he had friends who lived in the area. But Steve didn’t want to outright lie.

  “I see. I can have Rob take a look at the fence.” Rob was the church’s maintenance man. “You should’ve told me Monday at our meeting.”

  “I really didn’t think of it, sir. I’m sorry. I used a piece of plywood to patch it up myself, but it’ll probably be best to get both panels replaced.” Why was the pastor scolding him for not mentioning the fence at Monday’s meeting when the pastor himself didn’t ask about Steve’s whereabouts Sunday night but was suddenly asking now? He didn’t realize he was on a curfew or that he had to account for his comings and goings to the pastor.

  “The only reason I’m mentioning this is because it’s happened a couple times this week. I just am concerned there might be a pattern developing. If something comes up and you have to be out late, of course that’s fine. We do deal with emergency situations around the clock, but staying out late every night for social purposes is not prudent.”

  Steve took a deep breath, wanting to defend himself but biting his tongue. “I understand sir. I won’t make a habit of it. I did, however, already commit to meeting with my friend this evening after church. I’ll try to keep it brief and get home as soon as possible.”

  The pastor’s stern expression did not soften. “Thank you Steven. Keep up the good work.”

  Chapter Eleven

  After church, Steve first went home to check on Felix and change out of his suit. “You wanna go with me to Drake’s?” Felix looked up at him, his mouth open and tongue hanging out, and began to wag his tail. “All right. We can’t stay long, though. Pastor Mathers will be watching.”

  He texted Eric to let him know they were on their way and then began their walk down the block toward Eric’s condo. “You know, Felix, it really kind of annoys me what Pastor Mathers said to me.” He could feel himself scowling and wasn’t exactly comfortable with his own attitude. He’d been conditioned to obey authority without question, whether he agreed or not, but for some reason this incident bothered him in a way nothing had previously. “I’m an adult, right? A grown man. And I work a lot of hours, way more than most people do at their jobs. Shouldn’t I be allowed a little bit a freedom to socialize with friends? I mean, it’s not like I’d ever let that part of my life interfere with my job.”

  As usual, Felix seemed to agree with him. He looked up as if to say, “I hear ya, man.”

  “And Sunday night, I didn’t even get in all that late. We got home a little after ten. Even Pastor Mathers takes his family out for ice cream on Sundays. I’m sure they weren’t home much sooner than we were. And…” He sighed, frustrated. “And Eric was so kind. He took care of you when you got out of the fence and even called me. I did sit and have a glass of iced tea with him, but isn’t that what anyone would do in that situation?”

  Felix wagged his tail in agreement.

  “You know what I think? I think this has nothing to do with how late I stay out at night. I think this is a control issue. Pastor Mathers is watching me so closely—spying on me—because he wants to dictate who I’m allowed to socialize with. It was the same way back in Bible college. They didn’t allow us to make our own choices and constantly filtered all contact we had from outside the school.”

  They were about to cross the street and head into Eric’s subdivision.

  “But you know what? If we’re right in what we believe about God and the Bible, we’ve nothing to fear from the outside world. If the Word of God is true, it can stand up to the questioning of man. Maybe the Bible college and Pastor Mathers would be better off learning how to interact with the world rather than fearing and condemning it all the time.”

  As they rounded the corner to head down Eric’s street, Steve spotted him sitting on his porch. Drake noticed Felix and immediately rushed over to greet them. Once on the sidewalk, Steven freed his dog from the leash and allowed the dogs to play in the front yard.

  Steve took a step down the walkway leading up to Eric’s porch but stopped about halfway. Eric looked up at hi
m, smiling weakly. He seemed sad, and Steve could see in his eyes that he wasn’t expecting good news.

  “Hey,” Steve said, suddenly feeling as awkward as he ever had. He stuffed both hands into his pockets.

  “How was your day?”

  Steve shrugged. He took a step forward. “Mind if I join you?”

  Eric scooted over a tad, allowing enough space for Steve to sit beside him, which he did.

  “I’ve had better days, to be honest.” He leaned forward, resting his elbows on his knees and didn’t look at Eric while talking.

  “I’ve had a stressful day myself. I’ve kind of been dreading this moment. I’m afraid I know what you’re going to say to me…”

  Steve took a deep breath. “What if I told you that after last night, you’re all I can think of?”

  Eric placed his hand on Steve’s arm. “I’d say you’re probably lying.”

  Steven nodded. “Yeah, you’re right. You’re not the only thing I’ve been thinking of. A million thoughts and fears are racing through my head every single minute. But you’re the one I’m thinking of the most.”

  “Steve, why don’t you just say what you came here to say?”

  Steve watched the dogs in the yard and wished for a second his life was as simple and straightforward as Felix’s.

  “Okay.” He glanced at Eric, then again looked away. “Last night, after we…” He sighed. “After we kissed last night, I was very frightened. I rushed home with the intention of praying that God would forgive me of my sin.”

  Steve waited, but Eric didn’t speak, so he continued.

  “I couldn’t pray. I couldn’t ask God to forgive me for something like that. It was the most beautiful experience of my life, and if I were to have prayed for forgiveness, I’d have been declaring it evil and wrong. I couldn’t do it, because I don’t feel in my heart it was wrong. I feel it was wonderful and amazing and…and what I’ve been dreaming of doing my whole life.”

  Eric’s breath seemed to catch in his throat. “Oh, Steve.”

  Steve turned to him and stared into the man’s tear-filled eyes. “You told me last night who you are. You told me you’re gay, and I realized…no, that’s not right. I didn’t realize. I acknowledged for the first time that I am too. I’ve always known it. There were signs clear back in grade school. By the time I hit puberty, I wasn’t fantasizing about or attracted to girls. Not at all. I knew I liked boys. I used to look at fashion magazines and envision the models naked. I used to long for a best friend, a male friend, to bond with, to share all my secrets, to hold in my arms. I thought about touching other boys, kissing them, caressing them.”

  Eric nodded as he slid his hand inside Steve’s and squeezed. “Yes,” he whispered. “You’ve just described the exact experience millions of gay kids have had.”

  “But you see, this doesn’t really solve anything for me. This isn’t like a magic wand that I can wave and make all the problems go away. Just because I know who I am, it doesn’t change what I believe. I’m still a Christian, too. I still believe in God, and I believe the Bible is the Word of God. I’m still a Baptist preacher. I’m still a youth leader. I can’t just announce to the world I’m gay and expect everyone to be fine with it.”

  “No. No, you can’t.”

  “There’s so much I still have to sort out. Have I been wrong about everything? If our interpretation of the scriptures is wrong, then maybe everything we believe is wrong.”

  “Steve, you’ve heard the expression, ‘Don’t throw out the baby with the bath water’?”

  He laughed. “A few times.”

  “There is so much of what you believe that is spot on. You don’t need church doctrine to tell you so. You know it in your heart. You are one of the kindest, most sincere people I’ve ever met in my life. You live your faith. You are what I think of when I imagine how Jesus was.”

  Steve bit his bottom lip and blinked. The sting of tears threatened the back of his eyes.

  “You’re worried about picking and choosing, as if you have a binary choice. You think you have to accept everything or nothing, and maybe that’s not true. You can be a true a Christian without accepting every doctrine from a single denomination.”

  Felix waddled over, and Steve reached down to pet him. “I first have to decide what to believe. Then I have to figure out what to do about it. These past twenty-four hours have been excruciating.”

  “You don’t have to decide anything immediately.”

  “But until I work everything out, you’d have to exist in the shadows of my life. You’d be my dark secret, my big lie. It wouldn’t be fair to you, and I don’t know if I’d be able to live like that.”

  “You’re fundamentally honest.”

  “Maybe to a fault.” He bowed his head.

  Eric slid his arm around Steve’s shoulder. “Steve, you don’t ever have to lie for me. I don’t need your protection. I’m out and proud in every aspect of my life—at work, with my family and friends. Even my mailman knows I’m queer.”

  Steve grinned. “You even have rainbow chimes in your front window.”

  “I do! They were a gift from Kathleen. She brought them back from Bali when she was on vacation. They’re perfect, don’t you think?”

  “I do. But I’m not ready for rainbow chimes yet. The things happening to me now have the potential to destroy the life I know. I don’t know how to be anything other than a minister.”

  “Yes, I agree, but you know what? There are a lot of ministers who don’t believe gay people are an abomination.”

  “If this were a movie, I’d march into my church and tell them all I’m gay. I’d lecture them with a powerful sermon about how God loves all of His creation. Then I’d walk out, leave all that baggage behind and live happily ever after.”

  Eric looked at him, eyebrows raised. “Sounds like something you’ve fantasized about.”

  “Maybe, but I’m afraid that’s all it is—fantasy. If I did something like that, do you know what would really happen? I’d be immediately fired. I’d be evicted from my home. I’d be forced to return to my home town where everyone would find out I’d failed. They wouldn’t see me as the hero of my movie fantasy. They’d see me as a fraud, a liar who pretended to be a man of God.”

  “That’s why you wouldn’t return home. You’d find a different path. You’d do whatever you had to do to continue ministering. I know you would, Steve, because being a pastor is just as much a part of who you are as being gay is.”

  He could fend off the tears no longer and finally allowed them to stream down his cheeks. “It’s so much to expect of you. I can’t ask you to be patient.”

  “You don’t have to! You don’t have to ask. Steve…baby…you have to take this at your own pace. You have to decide to whom and when you’re going to come out. You probably can’t stage a dramatic scene like your movie fantasy. You have to protect yourself. And if you truly believe in God, as I know you do, you have to have faith that it’s going to work out.”

  Chapter Twelve

  “So then, he just left?” Kathleen and Eric sat together in the Mexican restaurant, having already placed their order. They were sharing a basket of complimentary chips and salsa.

  “Well, not exactly. We sat there for a while on the porch, holding hands. Then we kissed, but it wasn’t like our kiss Tuesday night. It was more…I don’t know…comforting, maybe. But very sweet. Kathleen, I didn’t want to push him into something he wasn’t ready for.”

  She scooped up a huge amount of salsa with her chip, not even close to being proportionate to the size of her bite. “I can see it now. This is Max all over again. This situation has the potential to drag on for months, years even. You’re going to pine for him the way you did for Max, and he’s going to string you along because he’s too chicken to just come out of the closet.”

  Eric scowled at her, then pulled the salsa away. “You know, you don’t have to eat the entire bowl on one chip. This is nothing like the situation with Max. Steve co
uld not be more different. He’s ambitious, dedicated, and guided by a very powerful moral compass. Imagine living your whole life in a religion that taught you homosexuality was evil only to discover you yourself are gay.”

  She waved her hand dismissively before reaching across the table to double-dip her chip into the salsa. “Pfft. I don’t have to imagine. Honey, I was raised Catholic. I know about religion and guilt and all that shit.”

  “No you don’t, dear. It’s not the same thing. Not even close. These evangelicals are almost like a cult. They basically use brainwashing and mind control, and they shelter their kids from any viewpoint that contradicts their own. Steve’s just starting to figure this out and see the world through a broader lens. We can’t expect him to get from point A to point Z overnight. This is going to take some time.”

  “Time that you don’t have. Eric, please don’t do this to yourself. Cut him loose now before you get so entangled that it breaks your heart.”

  He picked up his margarita and took a sip through the straw. “Too late. My heart is already breaking for him, and I don’t care what you say, I’m not abandoning him when he needs me most.”

  She rolled her eyes. “You make me out to be Cruella DeVille. I’m not saying you should be mean to him. I’m saying don’t get romantically involved. You can still support him as a friend, can’t you?”

  Eric squinted at her, his lips wrapped around his straw. He pulled back just slightly. “You are Cruella DeVille. I bet you have a hundred Dalmatian puppies locked up in your basement.”

  “A hundred and one.”

  “I’m done talking about this. Let’s talk about something else—Dwayne and Ryan’s wedding. Did you get your invitation?”

  “I did…the day before yesterday. Isn’t it etiquette or something to send wedding invitations at least a couple months in advance? They’re getting married next weekend, and I’ll be in the Cayman Islands.”

  Their server arrived with a platter of vegetarian appetizers. “I don’t get how deep friend cauliflower and bloomin’ onions are Mexican,” Eric pointed out.