Mindsight

by Chris Curran

  He shuffled his feet and looked down, speaking in a strangled voice. ‘I’m sorry about last night, Mum. Alice said you were worried. She shouldn’t have told you.’

  ‘She had to. I’m your mum and I need to know these things. Besides, she thought you might have come over to me.’ He was scraping at the carpet with his foot and I forced myself to go on. ‘Where were you all that time?’

  ‘Just round here, walking. Went to the park for a while; kicked a ball about for a bit too.’

  ‘A very long bit.’

  ‘Yeah, but that’s all.’ He looked up at me, ‘Honest, Mum.’

  ‘Have you apologised to Alice?’

  ‘Not yet.’

  ‘But you will as soon as she gets home?’ He nodded. ‘We were so worried about you, both of us, and Alice says you’ve done it before. Why, Tom?’

  ‘Dunno.’

  ‘So what now?’

  ‘’Spect I’ll be grounded for the week.’

  ‘And you know you deserve that, don’t you?’ He shrugged, but it seemed best to leave it there. ‘Look, I know all this is very difficult for you and I’m sure I’m doing everything wrong, but I am trying. Will you promise to talk to me or to Alice when something upsets you in future?’

  He looked out towards the road. ‘OK.’

  ‘OK, what?’

  He turned back with a hint of a smile. ‘OK, I promise.’

  My knees felt suddenly weak and I sat on the warm, crumpled bed. How on earth could I ask him about the break-in without setting him off again? The heat didn’t help. ‘Can you let in some air?’

  He wrestled with the old sash window for a few minutes. ‘It’s stuck, sorry.’

  ‘Tom, you didn’t come to my place yesterday, did you?’

  ‘Nah, I told you I was just round here.’

  Careful. ‘Only I haven’t been able to find that DVD and I wondered if you might have borrowed it.’

  His eyes met mine and I saw only suspicion of me there, no sign of guilt. ‘You’ve lost it?’

  ‘Yes and I can’t understand, because I thought I knew exactly where I put it.’

  He stood up, his whole body tensed, hands clenched at his sides in the way I was beginning to recognise too well. ‘And you think I took it? Well I didn’t. I wanted to see it, but I wouldn’t take something like that without asking.’ His chin came out and his voice wobbled and broke on the words. ‘All right?’

  ‘Of course it is.’ I believed him. ‘I just have to ask anyone who’s been in my flat recently, that’s all.’ I took Mr Hillier’s letter from my bag and held it out to him. ‘This came for us, from Mr Hillier.’

  I didn’t move from the bed. If he wanted to read it he would have to stop standing there, glaring, and come towards me. It took a minute, but he did so even managing a short, ‘Thanks,’ as he took the paper.

  He read it, flushing when he reached what must be the comments about himself.

  ‘And he’s put in his phone number so I’m guessing it would be all right to phone him,’ I said.

  When he looked up his eyes were bright. ‘Can we call him now?’

  I needed to think about that one. ‘Why don’t you get washed and dressed first and I’ll see you downstairs?’

  Martha was in the hall. ‘Your sister phoned,’ she said, her arms crossed, voice thick with disapproval. ‘I told her you were here and she said, if you’re staying, I could go.’ She looked as if she thought I was planning to kidnap Tom after ransacking the place.

  I made myself some coffee and pulled Tom’s list of questions from my bag. Perhaps he was right and I should call Mr Hillier right away.

  When he came down he poured himself some cereal and sat opposite me. ‘Oh, good, you’ve got the questions.’

  ‘Mr Hillier probably won’t be in at this time of day, but I’ll give him a try.’

  As I clicked the number, and listened to the ringing from the other end, Tom watched, spooning cornflakes so fast into his mouth that streams of milk poured back in the bowl.

  Hillier was obviously surprised by my call. ‘Oh, Mrs Glazier. You did get my note, didn’t you?’

  ‘Yes, and I’m ringing to thank you. I’m very grateful, but there was something else I wanted to ask you.’

  His, ‘Yes,’ was guarded.

  I told him I was now sure I had seen headlights, coming towards me. ‘So are you certain you didn’t see another car?’

  ‘As certain as I can be after all this time.’

  ‘And the police didn’t suggest you simplify your evidence.’

  ‘Certainly not.’

  ‘You said I was on the ground when you arrived, but was I actually unconscious?’

  ‘Mrs Glazier, I’m not a doctor and it was years ago, so I can’t be sure about that either.’

  I told him I needed to talk to Downes about it.

  ‘I don’t think that’s a good idea. Speaking to him the other day it was clear he’s in a state of great anxiety.’

  ‘Well then, I know it’s a lot to ask, but maybe you could talk to him again. Tell him I saw headlights and all I want is to hear about it from him. Was he coming towards me rather than following, or did he see another car? I mean, if he’s worrying about something it might help to get it off his chest with someone he trusts. And I really have no intention of talking to the police, whatever I learn.’

  I heard a sigh down the line and I could imagine him standing in his little hall, holding the old-fashioned phone, and wondering how to get this bothersome female off his back. ‘All right, my dear, I suppose, having stirred up the hornet’s nest, I should try to help calm it down.’

  He said he would ask Downes to call round. ‘Better to do something like that face to face. Have a proper chat. And I gather he’s living a rather aimless existence, so I may be able to help him to sort out his life a bit.’

  I could hear a spark of enthusiasm: the old shepherd wanting to help the sheep that had gone astray. He promised he’d be in contact.

  Chapter Twenty-Two

  As I put the phone down, Alice came in the front door. She placed her bag on the hall floor with great care, reaching out to steady herself on the little table by the stairs. Her face was paler than the creamy wall behind her and she let out a huge sigh and stood for a moment as if too tired to take another step. This was what I’d done to her.

  Then she became aware of us in the kitchen and shook her head so that the shine of blonde hair spun around her face and she seemed her pretty self again.

  ‘Hello, Clare.’ She stood in the kitchen doorway, hands on her hips, looking from me to Tom. ‘You’re up, I see.’

  He glanced at me and I gave him a tiny nod. ‘I’m sorry, Alice, I shouldn’t have done that yesterday.’

  ‘Tom’s promised he’ll talk to us first if he has a problem in future.’ I said. ‘And he expects to be grounded for the rest of the week, don’t you?’

  He was looking with great concentration at the table where his index finger rubbed and rubbed at a tiny mark, but he nodded. ‘Yeah, I deserve it.’

  ‘Well,’ Alice said, ‘since you don’t seem as tired as us oldies, why don’t you make the most of today and get some of that homework out of the way so you can have more free time at the weekend.’

  He headed upstairs with another glance at me, obviously wondering if I was going to tell Alice about the call to Mr Hillier. I made some coffee and we took it into the sitting room. One of Alice’s colleagues would be covering her patients for evening surgery so she could relax for the rest of the day.

  ‘Thanks for dealing with this, Clare,’ she said. ‘You were right. It was best that you talked to him. And I’m so tired I would have made a mess of it.’ She leaned back in the armchair and closed her eyes.

  ‘I’ll cook something for us all a bit later,’ I said. ‘Why don’t you go up and have a sleep.’

  She stood and rested her hand on my shoulder. It felt very heavy. ‘Thanks, Clare, I think I will.’

  Nic was in the hall, so
rting through the papers and junk mail on the hall table, as I came in and for once she seemed too occupied with what she was doing to want a conversation, just gave a small smile and said, ‘All right?’ as she went back into her flat.

  I’d cooked for Tom and Alice, but we’d all been too tired, or preoccupied, to say much and I’d told myself that was the reason I hadn’t told Alice about the phone call to Mr Hillier.

  The flat felt chilly and even after I’d pulled on a jumper I was cold, so I switched on the central heating for the first time, then sat staring at the TV as an old film played out. After a while, I rested my head back on the cushions, beginning to doze.

  When I jerked awake I knew I’d been dreaming of storms and dark seas. But there was fire too: dark fire that burned on the surface of the sea and was untouched by the rain that poured down on it. The flat was very hot, a clammy heat complete with an ominous burning smell.

  I ran into the kitchen and switched the heating off. Then checked all the rooms. In the outer hallway all was still and quiet and there was no smell.

  Back inside it was less noticeable. In the bedroom, the tousled bed reminded me all too vividly of last night, and even though I was dog-tired I changed the sheets, the pillow cases, and the duvet cover before I could think of sleeping.

  The phone rang twice in the night, but cut off quickly. I’d left the handset in the living room and didn’t bother to get up to look at it. I was asleep again almost at once.

  When I dressed in the morning, and was drinking my first cup of coffee in the kitchen, I picked up the handset to see if there was any record of the numbers from the night. It shrilled in my hand. A mobile number: and not one the phone recognised. I pressed to answer, but didn’t speak.

  A male voice, ‘Hello, hello?’

  A cautious, ‘Hello?’

  ‘Clare, is that Clare?’

  ‘Yes.’ I held my breath.

  ‘It’s Matt.’

  I breathed again. ‘Oh, Matt, I didn’t recognise your voice.’

  I could hear his smile. ‘I’m not surprised; I’ve been up all night. Emily’s had the baby. It’s a bit early, but they’re both fine. Both lovely.’

  ‘Oh that’s wonderful. What is it?’

  ‘A girl. We’re calling her Lily, and Emily wanted you to be the first to know, after our mums and dads.’ Those wretched tears sprang to my eyes again and no words would come. ‘Are you still there, Clare?’

  ‘Yes, I’m sorry. I’m so happy for you both.’

  ‘Thanks, it’s wonderful. Exhausting, but wonderful and, can you believe it, they’re letting Em out later today if everything seems fine.’

  ‘She’ll be glad to be home.’

  ‘She made me promise to tell you to ring her tomorrow. Think she wants to persuade you to come up again as soon as possible.’

  Before he rang off, I asked if he’d called in the night. ‘Oh dear, I think I did ring your number once before I realised how late it was.’

  ‘Only once?’

  ‘Yes, sorry if I woke you. I was in such a state I didn’t know what I was doing.’

  ‘Nice skirt,’ said Stella, her brown eyes taking in everything about my appearance as I clanged through the shop door. ‘How are things?’

  ‘Fine thanks. That day off was just what I needed. I’ll be OK now.’ I was surprised that I sounded almost confident, even to my own ears. To emphasise the point, I busied myself with the watering can, refilling the flower buckets and vases, and humming just loudly enough for her to hear.

  It seemed to reassure her and she left me to it. At 10.30 she came out of the back room and told me to have a break and bring her down a coffee when I’d finished. Upstairs, I checked my mobile. There was a text from Kieran.

  Hope it went OK with Tom. See you tonight? XXX.

  I didn’t reply.

  Back in the shop, I told myself the only thing I needed to do for now was to focus on keeping my job, but when Stella went out to visit a wedding venue my thoughts began swirling again. I couldn’t think about Kieran, had to concentrate on the break-in. I hadn’t told anyone about it and I didn’t intend to. When Tom swore it wasn’t him I had believed him absolutely, but if not him, who else? Had I just persuaded myself my son wouldn’t lie to me? I knew I should ask Alice what she thought because, painful though it was for me to admit, she knew Tom – this strange teenaged Tom – better than I did. But, no, there was no need. I did believe him. And if I did, that meant there was someone else who was able to get into my flat, someone who wanted to stop me watching that DVD again.

  The other thoughts I couldn’t stop were about what Lorna had told me, but this time it wasn’t my dad I was thinking of, but my real mother. Although Lorna had said she was dead I wondered if that was true. Presumably Lorna only had Dad’s word for it and I now knew what a liar he was. With my adoptive mum’s history of mental illness it was feasible the doctors might have told them to avoid a pregnancy and he persuaded my birth mother to give me up. I could just about imagine him doing that. Which meant she might be still out there, somewhere. One day, one day when I’d sorted out the mess my life was in, I would have to find out for sure.

  At the flat, I could hear the TV through Nic’s door, but there was no sign of Kieran. I took the phone into the bedroom and dialled Emily’s number as I lay on the bed. Matt answered, speaking very quietly. ‘Sorry, Clare, I know I said to ring and Emily is desperate to speak to you, but would you leave it for a couple of days? Neither of us has had much shut-eye the last two nights. The sprog’s finally gone off and Em’s sleeping too, but after being on top of the world yesterday she’s a bit down today.’

  ‘Of course. And don’t worry about it, Matt, it’s natural. She’ll be herself again soon.’

  He sighed. ‘I know.’

  ‘Just try and get some sleep yourself. Give Em my love and tell her I’ll speak to her later in the week.’

  There was a sound as if he was sitting down, no doubt exhausted. ‘Before you go,’ he paused, ‘when you do talk to her you won’t mention this business with the amphetamines, will you?’

  I half sat up, leaning on one elbow. ‘What?’

  ‘Only Lorna called a day or so ago and said you’d been asking what Em knew about how you got hold of them and that you were going to raise it with her.’

  ‘Of course I won’t, not at a time like this.’

  ‘I mean, just because Alice had them in her bag, doesn’t mean you got them from her.’

  I sat up properly and swung my legs over the side of the bed, going dizzy from the sudden movement. I couldn’t catch my breath couldn’t speak. Alice, he’d said Alice.

  Matt’s voice again from far, far away. ‘Oh, God, have I put my foot in it? I’m so tired, Clare, I’m not thinking straight.’

  I needed to make some sense of this. ‘No, no, it’s fine, but Lorna didn’t say anything about Alice to me.’

  ‘Well just forget I did then.’

  ‘I can’t do that, Matt. Please tell me.’

  ‘All I know, is that Emily seems to think Alice was using something like that at the time. It wouldn’t be surprising either when you think what it’s like for junior hospital doctors.’

  I managed to choke out, ‘OK, thanks, Matt.’ He sounded doubtful, but we said our goodbyes and I threw the phone onto the floor and lay back on the bed, my hands over my face. I couldn’t think; could do nothing except listen to her name echoing in my head: Alice, Alice, Alice.

  Keeping my eyes closed, I pressed my hands over my ears, and as if the words were sounds from outside rather than in my head, they died away. I lay with my ears blocked, grateful for the silence.

  And then, behind my lids, I saw Alice and me sitting together at the wedding reception. For a breathless moment I thought it was a memory. But then I recalled the DVD. It was what I’d seen there.

  I sat up, feeling dizzy again, and looked around the bedroom, almost expecting it to have changed. This, it seemed, was the truth I’d been searching for. The
two questions I’d started with were: what could have sent me back to drugs and how did I get hold of them? Lorna had answered the first question: the shock of learning my real parentage had made me want to blank things out for a while. And now Emily and Matt had given me the probable answer to the second. Emily had said any number of people at the wedding would have had access to drugs and mentioned Alice as well as the people from Dad’s company. It had hardly registered then, but now I realised she was giving me a hint. But why had she never said anything before? And why, oh why, did none of it feel right?

  When Kieran tapped on the door I didn’t hesitate. I couldn’t face the next few hours alone with my thoughts. He could obviously see something was wrong. ‘Clare?’ He moved us gently inside bending to look into my face. ‘What’s happened?’

  We stood together looking out of the window. The sunset was misty today, the faint streaks of colour like a spill of fizzy orangeade above the flat sea. ‘I’ve just heard something that could explain how I got hold of those pills. Seems someone close to me had been self-medicating and I could easily have stolen them.’

  The coloured lights along the promenade flickered on: purple, red, blue, and green. Kieran put his arms around me and I leaned back against him. ‘So that could answer all my questions.’ I could feel his chest moving in and out very steadily as he thought, perhaps worried he might say the wrong thing.

  Finally he said, ‘You don’t sound convinced.’

  I pulled away from him and headed for the sofa. Kieran perched on the window sill, looking steadily at me. I said, ‘It just doesn’t feel right. None of it feels right. And stupidly I imagined if I got to the truth my memory would come back.’

  He shook his head. ‘But I don’t think you have got the whole truth yet. I mean, what about that light? Maybe you still need to find out if there was another vehicle involved in the accident.’ He stood and smiled. ‘You’ll think more clearly when you’ve eaten. I’m too tired to go out, but if you give me ten minutes to clear up I can find us something to eat.’

  As I walked upstairs a few minutes later, an ache, like a stitch after running, clutched at my side. I felt as if I was in some kind of dream and for the first time I noticed the tiny multi-coloured dots speckling the blue stair carpet. Kieran was right. Two people were at the crash site in that flash of memory. So either David Hillier or Jake Downes was lying, or both of them were. And, as for Alice, I needed to know if she really had the speed in her bag and if she realised I might have taken it.