For the Sake of Love

by Dwan Abrams

  “How serious is it?” Spade sniffled, wiped his now red eyes, and braced himself for the worst. “How long do I have to live?”

  The doctor cleared his throat. “That depends on what stage you’re in. I’ve known of people in the final stage to live as long as five years.”

  Spade couldn’t take any more bad news. His hands began to tremble as he stared at the white wall behind the surgeon’s head. “I just want to be alone for a few minutes.”

  The doctor nodded. “Take as much time as you need.” He then left Spade to ponder his fate.

  Spade stopped crying and started praying. “Father, I don’t know what this is about. I want to trust you. I’m going to trust you.” He sounded resolute. “I know that you will help me, but please help me until you help me.”

  He didn’t know anything about the disease he had been diagnosed with. One thing he did know was that most cancers required some sort of treatment, most likely chemotherapy. He wasn’t big on chemo because he and Bria often talked about having two or three kids. He knew that Bria wanted to be a mother someday, and he believed she’d make a great one. With this disease hanging over his head, how was that going to work? He could freeze his sperm in hopes that he’d beat the disease and still be able to become a dad. But the thing with cancer was that it was a beast within itself. It may or may not respond to treatment. Even if it responded to treatment, it was vengeful enough to sometimes come back. How could he live like that?

  He was in a daze until his cell phone rang. It was his fiancée. He cleared his throat before answering.

  “Baby, I want to see you,” Bria said.

  He wasn’t in the right state of mind to see anyone, but Bria insisted. He had a hard time telling her no, especially when she sounded so sweet and upbeat. Against his better judgment he agreed to go over her house.

  He sat in the doctor’s office for five more minutes before composing himself enough to walk out. Whether real or imagined, he felt as though everyone in the doctor’s office knew about his prognosis. He didn’t want their sympathy. Not wanting to speak to anyone, he kept his eyes stayed on the ground and hurried to his car where he banged on the dashboard and hit the steering wheel.

  He rode in silence to Bria’s house. That was highly unusual for him. He would normally have music playing from the time he got in the car until he arrived at his destination. He’d even critique his own music during his drive time.

  When Spade arrived at Bria’s house he contemplated driving off. He just didn’t have the nerve to face her. He sat in front of her house for nearly ten minutes trying to muster the courage to get out of his car.

  “Man, stop,” he told himself. “You’re a man. You can handle anything that comes your way.”

  He took a deep breath and got out. As he walked up the driveway he swatted a bee buzzing around him. The pollen count was extremely high today. He felt some of that pollen tickle his nostrils and sneezed.

  He stood outside Bria’s door, and for a brief moment, he felt awkward. Like he didn’t know what he was going to say. He rang the doorbell twice to let her know he was there. When she didn’t answer quickly enough for him, he used the spare key she had given him for emergency purposes—which he never used—and walked in.

  “I was just about to let you in,” Bria said as she made her way into the foyer. She seemed happy to see him and kissed him on the lips. “My mom finally found her outfit! You wanna see it?”

  He didn’t answer. It took everything in him not to break down. Functioning on autopilot, he went into the family room and she followed.

  “Are you all right?” she probed. “You’re acting strange.”

  Spade felt uneasy as he sat down beside her on the light colored couch. He felt jittery, and the faint smile he did have disappeared almost instantly when he thought about the disease living in his body. For a moment he stared at a cobweb breezily dancing in the corner.

  He couldn’t do it. Them. The wedding. How could he marry her knowing he had been given a death sentence?

  “I have something to tell you, and it’s not easy for me,” he said, holding her hand.

  A nervous expression appeared on Bria’s face. “You’re scaring me.”

  He exhaled loudly. “I’m sorry.” He felt like crying again. No—screaming. His emotions were a chaotic jumble of nerves and agony.

  She sat quietly, studying his face.

  “I can’t marry you,” he continued. Those were the most difficult words he had ever had to say. Cutting off his leg with a dull blade would probably have hurt less than this, he figured.

  “What do you mean you can’t marry me?” She snatched her hand away. Her eyes welled with tears. “We’ve been hanging out together just like we always do. We went on a hot air balloon ride together just this past weekend. How can you wake up today and decide, oh, I don’t want to get married anymore? Was all of this a lie?” Her voice seemed to get louder with each word.

  Unable to bear seeing the woman he loved so upset, Spade reached for her hand again. This time she didn’t pull away. “Please,” he pleaded.

  “Please?” she repeated incredulously.

  “Calm down.” He thought it was ironic that he was telling her to calm down when deep down inside he was anything but calm.

  She clasped her hands together. “I’m calm, now what?”

  He lowered his head in frustration. Expressing himself through words was easy for him, but today, he couldn’t think of anything to say. His mind couldn’t formulate the thoughts to articulate what was going on with him. Bummer. Especially since he knew Bria deserved an explanation.

  She gripped his dimpled chin with her thumb and first finger, tilted his head toward her, and said, “Why are you doing this?”

  Unable to look her in the eyes, he turned his head away, forcing her hand to release its grip. “You deserve better.” He didn’t mean he wasn’t good enough for her. Shoot, he was the only man for her. What he meant was that she didn’t deserve to be with someone battling cancer. Further proof that his mind wasn’t functioning properly. Why hadn’t he just gone home? Stupid.

  “Are you seeing someone else?” Her voice trembled. He could tell that she was trying to be strong and hold back the tears.

  “No, no.” He shook his head. Since they had been together he hadn’t even entertained the idea of seeing anyone else. Bria was “it” for him.

  “I thought you loved me.” Her eyes begged for the explanation he desperately wanted to give her but couldn’t.

  “I do love you, more than anything else in this world,” he said sincerely. His heart raced as he hugged her.

  Her tears wet the left side of his cheek as her face pressed against his. “What’s wrong?” she asked barely above a whisper.

  “I know you deserve some answers, but I can’t deal with this right now.” He had too much going on at one time, and he felt himself getting angry. Not at her, just the situation. He needed time to sort through this thing. “It’s over. Trust me, it’s for the best.” He looked her in the eyes. “I’m not doing this to hurt you. I’m doing this because I love you.” He stood up, ready to leave.

  He wanted to tell her the truth about his disease, but he didn’t want to put that burden on her. One thing he knew about Bria was that she was loyal to a fault. When she committed herself to something, she went all in. He knew that she’d stay with him no matter what, but his heart wouldn’t let him put her through that. She was young with so much to look forward to. She shouldn’t have to worry about a terminally ill boyfriend.He didn’t want her pity. What if he had to do chemotherapy? He wasn’t about to let her see him all weak and busted like that. No way! He’d rather her not see him at all.

  And so it was.

  Five

  Bria looked into Spade’s eyes, hoping that the expression “the eyes are the windows to the soul” was true, because she needed answers. Spade’s dazzling brown eyes that usually sparkled and made her fall in love with him time and time again seemed devoid of
any happiness. In addition to the painful sadness they revealed, they were horribly bloodshot. She could see that he was upset. She wondered what could’ve happened.

  She searched her mind trying to find a hint as to what could’ve caused Spade to behave this way, and she came up with nothing. None of this was making sense to her.

  “Here.” She took off her one-carat diamond and white gold engagement ring and handed it to him. As much as she loved her engagement ring it meant nothing if Spade didn’t want her to be his wife.

  Breaking eye contact with her, Spade looked down at the floor and said, “You can keep the ring.”

  Her jaw dropped. That’s it? she thought. She felt angry. Her eyes narrowed, and giving him a scathing look, she hissed, “Why won’t you talk to me? Something is wrong! I can feel it.” She wiped her face.

  He stood up, turned his back to her, and paused as if he had something else to say. She waited, hoping he would turn around and tell her he didn’t mean it.

  When he didn’t say anything she said, “What am I supposed to tell my family and friends?”

  Apparently at a loss, he raised his hands in the air and sighed. “I don’t know.” Then he dropped his head and headed toward the front door.

  “Wait! Did I do something?”

  “No. You didn’t do anything. I never meant to hurt you.”

  She was tempted to beg him to stay, but she remembered hearing Oprah talk about the man she pleaded with God to bring back, and in the end she thanked God for letting him go. Although she doubted that she would ever be thankful for losing Spade, she didn’t stop him from leaving.

  She locked the door behind him and allowed the fresh tears that had been hovering around the borders of her eyes to escape. She pressed her back against the door and slid down to the floor. Knees bent and her arms wrapped around to hold them in place, she cried in her lap. She felt hurt, betrayed, angry, and confused. She thought she had done everything right when it came to her relationship with Spade. She was a virgin. And most important, she prayed about her relationship with him. She believed in her heart of hearts that he was The One! This was not supposed to happen.

  So many questions resonated in her mind, and she wondered if he ever loved her at all. No, she refused to go there. Of course he loved her. Had he not he wouldn’t have put a ring on her finger. And as Steve Harvey had often stated, “If a man loves you, he’ll give you a title.” Well, Spade had claimed her as his girlfriend, and then his fiancée. He made his intentions known that he planned for her to be his wife. His actions had always been consistent with his words . . . at least until now.

  How could he be so insensitive? she wondered. Why did he tell her that the wedding was off the day before the grand opening of her day spa? Did he have such little regard for her that he didn’t care about ruining her celebration? She didn’t want to believe that, but thinking about his timing made her more furious. No, she couldn’t in good conscience call Spade insensitive. Through the years he demonstrated to her on more occasions than she could count how in touch with her feelings he really was. Therefore, whatever “it” was that he was going through had to be of huge, gigantic—no—enormous proportions.

  What if she were off base altogether? What if he had changed now that he was about to blow up? Was that possible? She thought about the young girls at Six Flags. What if he didn’t want to get married because it didn’t go with that whole rapper lifestyle? Everyone knows rappers are known to be promiscuous. Was she in denial?

  She tried hard to silence the questions that plagued her mind as exasperation engulfed her. The insanity of it all! she fumed. She hated having more questions than answers. It made her feel vulnerable, which was something she tried not to do.

  She wiped away her tears and continued to try to quell the questions that gnawed at her psyche. Spade’s behavior today was totally inconsistent with the man she thought she knew and loved.

  “Snap out of it,” she said aloud. So many memories. She had to force herself to stop thinking about Spade, because she was making herself more depressed by the second.

  Even though she felt like crawling into bed and never getting out, she knew that she couldn’t do that. She needed a pep talk, and Nya was just the person to do it.

  Without so much as a “hello” or “how are you doing?” as soon as she heard Nya’s voice on the other end of the phone she blurted out, “The wedding is off.”

  “What? What happened?” Her voice went up an octave.

  Bria could not even get the words out without bursting into tears.

  “I’m on my way,” Nya assured her before hanging up the phone.

  Less than thirty minutes later, she was knocking on Bria’s door with a bag filled with Butter Pecan ice cream and a box of Kleenex.

  Bria looked at her five foot two inch, twenty pounds overweight friend through rheumy eyes. Nya seemed to carry most of her extra pounds in her butt. She brushed past Bria, and her scent could only be compared to the yellow puff flower balls on an acacia tree.

  Bria put the ice cream in the freezer and carried the box of Kleenex into the living room where she cried and recapped her conversation with Spade.

  “I’m in shock right now,” Nya said. “In all the years I’ve known Spade, one thing I was always convinced of is that not only does he love himself some Bria, he really likes you. I don’t know what’s going on, but this is way out of character for Spade.” She paused. “If you ask me, Spade’s acting like a punk and a coward. What’s his number? I’m about to call him!”

  “Don’t do that.” Bria found herself trying to calm Nya down. “It won’t do any good.” The last thing she wanted was for anyone to try to guilt Spade into being with her.

  “Somebody needs to talk some sense into that negro.”

  Bria flopped on the sofa simply broken.

  “Do you want me to have Chance talk to him?”

  Was she kidding? Although Chance and Spade were cool, even friends, Chance considered Bria to be like his little sister. His loyalty was to her. Knowing that Chance could be somewhat of a hothead, and Spade such an alpha male, she didn’t think that was a good idea. Although Bria was highly upset with Spade, she didn’t want to risk an altercation between the two of them. Besides, she wasn’t fully convinced that she and Spade wouldn’t reconcile. She didn’t want Spade and Chance to have any issues between them later.

  “No,” she said.

  “What about all the money you’ve spent on this wedding? Is he going to pay you back?”

  “Correction . . . all the money my parents have spent on this wedding.” She rested her head on Nya’s lap. “No, I’m not going to ask him to.”

  Nya rolled her almond-shaped eyes and sighed. “That’s crazy. Don’t let him off the hook that easy.”

  Bria felt the need to explain herself. “If he doesn’t want to be with me, then I’m not going to be vindictive.”

  Bria figured that her man must’ve be going through something pretty heavy and needed some time to pull himself together. So, rather than accept the cancellation of their wedding and move on with her life, she was going to contact everyone and let them know that the wedding had been postponed until further notice. And she was determined to stick by her man’s side . . . whether he wanted her to or not.

  “That’s so you.” Nya raised a brow and smirked. “But if it were me, I wouldn’t let it go that easy.”

  Unable to take any more of Nya’s lecturing, Bria went into the kitchen and fixed them each a bowl of ice cream. Knowing the severity of the situation, she ignored the dainty and appropriate dessert bowls and took out the mega-sized ones. They sat around the island, eating their emotions.

  “I’m sorry this happened. I know how much Spade means to you.”

  Bria nodded in agreement and ate a spoonful of ice cream.

  “This is one time that I wish I were a guy,” Nya said, “because I’d kick his behind myself. How dare he hurt you like this!”

  She knew that Nya was serious.
“I appreciate that.” Bria let out a nervous laugh, the kind from the throat and not the stomach. On the surface, she could make light of the threat, but deep inside the very core of her person, tiny bits of her heart kept being chipped away.

  “Do you want me to spend the night?”

  “No, you’ve only been married six months. I don’t want to come between you and your husband.” In spite of her recent situation, Bria still had the utmost respect for love and marriage.

  Nya leapt up and strode around the island to embrace Bria affectionately, wrists jingling with bracelets and bangles. “You’re my girl, and I knew you long before I ever had a man. You know that I love Chance to death, but true girlfriends are hard to find. If you want me to stay, just say the word.”

  Bria offered a faint smile and again declined the offer.

  Nya snapped her fingers. “I just remembered that Chance and I are supposed to go out to dinner tonight. Let me call him and tell him I can’t make it.” She grabbed her cell phone.

  It seemed to Bria that Chance’s favorite pastime was eating. He was a big dude, and Nya had easily packed on fifteen pounds in the eighteen months since she’d known him. Before Nya could touch the screen Bria said, “No, but I do appreciate your willingness to cancel your plans for me. I want you to go and have a good time. No sense in both of us sitting around being miserable. Don’t worry about me.” She meant it.

  “I can’t help it. You’re the closest thing I have to a sister. I love you, and I don’t want you moping around acting all depressed.”

  Acting depressed? It wasn’t an act, Bria resolved. She forced a smile and said, “I love you too. Honestly, I’ll be fine. I’m starting to feel better already.”

  Nya kissed her on the cheek and said, “Liar. You don’t have to put on a brave face for me.”

  “I know. I’ll call you if I feel like slitting my wrists or popping pills,” she teased. No matter how sad she felt, she knew that suicide wasn’t an option. The very act of taking one’s life went against her spiritual beliefs.

  “Don’t joke about stuff like that because I’d have to take you to the Pet Sematary.”