Forty and Free: A Sweet Romance Series Bundle - Books 5 - 8

by Blake, Lillianna

  He couldn’t sleep all night. He wrestled with what his heart wanted and what his mind warned him against. The darkest times of his life were the months following his two divorces. The first one was hard, but the second one nearly ended him.

  He never would have thought that he’d fail twice at something that seemed so simple. Fall in love. Love each other. Be happy for the rest of your lives. Only that was not what had happened. Two women couldn’t be wrong—he had to be the problem.

  Sure, it wasn’t as if Natasha had asked to marry him, but they were both in their forties. There wasn’t time to play around. She’d hinted that she might want more children. He had no right to string her along if he had no intention of things progressing.

  He finally got up and dressed. He walked out onto the deck in time to see the sunrise.

  He wandered the decks, trying to find some peace in his own thoughts.

  She expected to see him, and he didn’t want to be a wreck when she did. Though they’d only been together for a few days, it seemed to him that Natasha knew him better than any woman ever had.

  Before he’d prepared for it, he suddenly came upon her. She had a cup of coffee in her hand and was at a table with another woman. He recognized the woman as Michelle, someone that they’d shared their table with on the first night of the cruise. For an instant he thought about walking away before he was spotted. He wasn’t ready to have the conversation he knew they were going to have to have. But it was too late.

  “Thomas! Over here!” Natasha waved to him and smiled. “Want to join us for coffee?”

  “No coffee for me, thanks.” He sat down beside her and smiled at Michelle.

  “You remember Michelle, right?” said Natasha.

  “Sure.” He nodded. “Good to see you again.”

  “You too.” She managed a smile, but her eyes were a little red and puffy.

  He sensed that he’d interrupted a very emotional conversation.

  “Are you having a nice time on the cruise?” He studied her.

  “I’m trying.” She laughed a little. “Natasha is helping.”

  Thomas looked over at Natasha with admiration. “She’s pretty good at that.”

  “Yes, she is.” Michelle sipped her coffee.

  “Alright, stop, enough.” Natasha smiled and glanced over at Thomas. She scrunched up her nose. “You look exhausted.”

  “Thanks…” He ruffled a hand through his hair and grinned.

  “I’m serious. Didn’t you sleep?” She met his eyes.

  He looked down at his hands. “Not much.”

  She opened her mouth to say something more but Michelle interrupted. “There are a lot of activities on the ship today since there are no stops. Are you two going to any?”

  “I hadn’t really thought about it.” Thomas shrugged.

  “We could always just explore the ship on our own,” said Natasha.

  Her words inspired fear in him. No, he didn’t want to be alone. He didn’t want to have the conversation that he knew hovered over their heads. Maybe if he kept her distracted, he could delay the inevitable.

  “Actually, I’m curious about what there is to offer. Maybe Michelle would like to join us?” He smiled across the table at her.

  “Oh, I don’t want to crowd you. I’m sure you two would rather be alone.”

  “No need for that.” He shook his head. “I’m sure Natasha is getting more than a little bored with me. You’d love the company, wouldn’t you, Natasha?”

  When he met her eyes he could tell that she knew what he was up to. A hint of guilt arose within him, but he ignored it. If this was what it took to get a little more time with Natasha before they both had to face the truth, then it was worth it.

  “Yes, of course I would. Will you join us, Michelle?”

  Chapter 23

  Natasha shifted in her chair and looked between Michelle and Thomas. As much as she wanted to enjoy Michelle’s company, she also wanted to be able to spend time alone with Thomas. But it would appear that maybe he didn’t feel the same way. It was one more sign that he didn’t want things to get too serious.

  She decided to let it go. She couldn’t make him feel for her the way that she felt for him. But she could enjoy the remaining time that they had left together.

  After she and Michelle finished their coffee they walked toward the deck where the first show was to be held. It included a tribal dance and a demonstration of fire breathing. When one of the dancers swung his lit baton a little close to her, she cringed and drew back. Thomas’s arm was right there to go around her.

  He smiled at her in the flicker of the flames. “It’s okay, he knows what he’s doing.”

  He was right. The dancer twirled away without an ash dropped on her.

  “It scared me too.” Michelle laughed. “It’s amazing what people are capable of when they have a passion for something.”

  Natasha smiled at the thought. She snapped many pictures to send to Emma.

  “What are you going to do with all those pictures?” Thomas watched as she took another.

  “When I get home Emma and I will put together a collage of pictures to represent my trip. I like to teach her things about the places we visit, either together or apart.”

  “That’s a great idea. It’s wonderful to see a parent so invested in their child’s education.”

  “She has terrific teachers, but I still see it as my responsibility to teach her everything I can about the world. Plus, in doing so, I learn plenty along the way myself.”

  “I imagine you do. I’d love to get a glimpse at some of those collages and the things that you’ve learned.”

  She smiled a little. “Emma has her own little museum at her father’s house where she puts all her artwork on display.”

  “Not at your place?”

  “My place is a little small for that. Plus, he loves to make a big deal out of everything she does. I try to keep her a little more down to earth. We put some things on display and other things we keep to show her own kids one day.”

  “I like your perspective. And it’s nice that her father cares so much too.”

  “Yes, it is.” She glanced over at Michelle. The woman had confided in her that her husband had passed away. She hoped that the topic didn’t venture into a difficult place for her new friend. But Michelle was enthralled by the dancers and didn’t seem to hear their conversation.

  “I often thought about what kind of father I’d be. I think I would be very proud of my child, but I’m not sure that I would feel much differently for my own than I do for my students.”

  “You might not.” Natasha smiled. “I still remember all the children I’ve met in my travels. It’s funny, you think that you’ll be so enamored with your own that you won’t feel the same way about others, but you do. I do at least. Every child deserves a chance to be happy.”

  “At least Emma has that.”

  “Maybe.”

  “Maybe?”

  Natasha brushed her hair back over her shoulders and shrugged. “I don’t know. Of course she has everything she needs. Her father and I adore her, but it’s not the same as having that home that I’d planned on for her. Lucas is away a lot. He does his best to make up for it, but there are so many times that she wants to show him something or tell him a story, and he just isn’t available. I listen, but I know it’s not the same for her. Sometimes I worry about her growing up without a male influence around all the time.”

  “Well, there’s still time for you to change that. Lucas remarried, you could too.”

  “It couldn’t be just anyone.” She stole a glance in Thomas’s direction. “I’d never let just anyone around my daughter. It would have to be a person that I trusted, that I respected.”

  “That you loved?” He looked over at her in the same moment that she looked at him.

  As their eyes met, her heart fluttered and her throat tightened.

  “Yes. I don’t want to marry a man just for the sake of giving her a step
father. I want to marry a man to show her that real love exists.”

  “Have you ever considered that maybe it doesn’t?” He lowered his voice as he spoke.

  “Hm?” She tilted her head and looked over at him.

  “What if it doesn’t? What if we’re all playing a game that we can’t win because we’re not designed to love just one person?”

  The hesitation in his voice and the way he widened his eyes made her wonder if he was frightened of what her reaction might be.

  She leaned close, touched his cheek with her hand, and looked straight into his eyes. “I am so sorry, Thomas.”

  “What?” He drew back some.

  She continued to keep her eye contact with him. She didn’t want him to run from her.

  “I’m sorry that you’ve been so hurt—that you don’t believe any more.”

  He reached out and grasped her hands as they rested on his shoulders, though he didn’t force them away. “What if I never believed?”

  “We all believe.” She lowered her hands and pointed to a little boy and girl that danced together at the edge of the chairs. “When we’re little we have no doubt that we’ll find each other, that we will be loved, that we will love. It’s life that breaks us to the point that we question whether it could be true. I’m sorry.” She turned back to him. “For everything that happened that broke your heart into so many tiny pieces. I’m not the one who caused it, but you deserve an apology, no matter who it comes from.”

  “Natasha.” He shook his head. “It wasn’t like that.”

  She slid her hand into his and rested both on his knee. “Wasn’t it?”

  He stared hard at the dancers in front of him, as if he might be interested. But he gripped her hand so tight that he might have imagined he was drowning.

  “It’s okay, Thomas. You don’t have to tell me. You don’t have to believe. But love is real, no matter how you want to hide from it. Whether or not you give it another chance, that’s entirely up to you.”

  He turned to look at her just as the audience stood up to applaud for the show.

  “Wasn’t it great?” Michelle stood and clapped as well.

  Thomas continued to gaze into Natasha’s eyes.

  She stared right back. It was a moment when he could have suggested that he might be interested in loving someone again. It was a moment when he could have pleaded for her to be the one that he took that chance with.

  Instead, he turned his attention back to the dancers and pulled his hand away from hers so that he could applaud.

  Natasha remained in her chair until the crowd began to disperse. Maybe it was wrong of her to venture into such a loaded topic. But she didn’t care. It was what needed to be discussed.

  Chapter 24

  As the crowd closed between them, Thomas wondered if he should just walk away. Natasha’s words meant more to him than she could ever know, and yet they also left him terrified. There was no question that she expected a response from him. She deserved one. But he wasn’t sure that he was ready to give one.

  Every fiber of his being wanted to reach out and grasp her hand before it could be swallowed up by the pressure of the crowd exiting the concert area. But his heart ached with what he expected the future would hold.

  “Thomas, come along!” Michelle waved to him from where she and Natasha stood in the crowd.

  He pushed through and walked toward them. They managed to make it to a small open area away from the crowd. Once there, though, the quiet left him uneasy. He tried to catch Natasha’s eyes to gauge what she might be feeling, but she seemed to be avoiding eye contact with him.

  “I think it’s so wonderful that you two have found one another.” Michelle smiled as she looked between them. “How magical is that? On a boat with hundreds of people, true love is born.”

  Thomas’s breath caught in his throat. His chest tightened. He looked over at Natasha, whose cheeks flushed dark red.

  “It’s wonderful that we’ve gotten to know one another, yes.” Natasha smiled a little and looked over at Thomas. “I think it is, anyway.”

  Michelle gasped and covered her mouth. “I’m sorry. That came out wrong. Of course you’ve only just met. What was I thinking? Please forgive me. I tend to speak before I think.”

  “It’s fine.” Natasha laughed. “Thomas, breathe. You’re turning blue.”

  He blinked and forced a smile to his lips. “I’m breathing just fine.”

  “Sure.” She shot him a look that made him realize that she might not be as amused as she appeared to be.

  “I am.” He grasped the railing tightly and glanced back at the crowd of people. “I guess there are some more activities we could get caught up in.”

  “No thanks.” Natasha folded her arms across her stomach. “I think I’ve had enough for now. I have to say, though, that I do think I want to try swallowing fire.”

  “Dangerous.” Thomas shook his head.

  “Well, none of the dancers caught on fire.” Natasha raised an eyebrow. “Just because something looks dangerous doesn’t mean that it actually is. I think if you take the time to really do something right, there’s no risk at all.”

  “Is that so?” Thomas tipped his chin up and studied her. “What if you take the time to do something right, but when the flame gets near your mouth your fingers slip? What if someone else decides to bump you from behind?”

  “What if? What if the boat sinks and we never have the chance to see another sunrise?” She shrugged. “Nothing in life is perfect.”

  “That’s true. But sometimes the risk isn’t worth it.”

  “I see.” She looked away from him and out across the water. The way her shoulders lifted and her jaw locked made him realize that he’d said something very wrong.

  “I just meant that you have Emma to think about. What would she do if you weren’t there?”

  Natasha sighed and looked over at Michelle, then back to Thomas. “I suppose you’re right. Being a mother does eliminate some of the risks you’re allowed to take. But not all of them. Right, Michelle?”

  “No, not all.” She shook her head. “A mother is still a woman after all, and in itself, motherhood is a huge risk to take. Wouldn’t you say?”

  “Oh, yes.” Natasha laughed.

  Thomas relaxed as the mood lightened. But he still wondered what Natasha thought he meant. As he thought back through the conversation, he realized that she might have assumed he meant that she was not worth the risk. The thought shook him. It wasn’t that she wasn’t worth the risk. He just didn’t know if he would survive the outcome.

  “You know, you were right earlier, Natasha. I am pretty exhausted. I think I’m just going to head back to the room and catch a nap. You don’t mind, do you?”

  “No.” She smiled at him. “You need your rest. Sweet dreams.” She leaned close and kissed his cheek.

  The gesture awakened a memory for him. The experience of having someone to close his eyes beside each night and open them again to in the morning was something he’d tried to forget. The moment she ignited the need for it, he craved it. His gaze lingered on hers a moment longer, then he turned and walked away.

  He needed to clear his mind. Maybe a few hours of sleep would do that. But somehow he doubted he would get to sleep. Would that change when he got back from the cruise? Would the effect of Natasha on his life lessen once they parted ways? Somehow he didn’t think so.

  Once back in his room, he stared at the bottle she’d given him. It was possibly the best gift he’d ever been given. Not because of its price tag, but because of what she’d said when she’d handed it to him. A woman like that, so perceptive and thoughtful, deserved the truth.

  His thoughts shifted back to the months after the divorce from his second wife had been finalized. The desolation. The belief that he would never overcome it. All of it still haunted him. He didn’t harbor ill feelings toward either of his ex-wives. He’d forgiven them and accepted that the relationships were just not meant to be. But he did m
aintain a good amount of resentment toward relationships and marriage in general.

  After a few beers with a friend one night, he’d confessed that he believed he was from a different time. A time when marriage meant forever. It seemed to him that none of the women he met believed that. His friend had accused him of being too traditional and stuck in old ways. Back then he’d laughed it off, but now he wondered.

  Natasha could have the pick of any man she pleased, but her focus was on him. Did she want as much as he thought she did? Was he reading too much into it? Troubled, he plugged some earbuds into his ears and tried to block out the thoughts that swirled through his mind. Some sleep would help. It had to.

  Chapter 25

  Her stomach churned. Thomas had walked away as if it was nothing. Natasha knew that he was probably just tired, but she read so much into every little nuance of his behavior that she was certain it had been an attempt to escape her. The conversation had wandered into a place he didn’t want it to be. About love—their love.

  “I feel awful.” Michelle leaned against the railing and grimaced.

  “Why?”

  “I’m sorry if I caused a problem between you and Thomas.” She closed her eyes. “I don’t know what I was thinking. I never should have said that. I’m so lost when it comes to all this.”

  “Don’t worry, you didn’t say anything that I wasn’t thinking.”

  “Really?” She smiled. “I thought I recognized that look in your eyes.”

  “I am falling for him. No question.” Natasha shrugged. “Not that it matters.”

  “How can you say that? Of course it matters. Love is love.”

  “I agree. Unfortunately he may not be ready for what I want, and I have to find a way to accept that.”

  “I wish you didn’t. Wouldn’t it be nice if things just worked out the way that they’re supposed to? You and Thomas would be together, with no issues, and my husband would still be here. I just miss him.” She sighed and looked into Natasha’s eyes. “I don’t mean to be a downer.”

  “You’re not at all. I can’t imagine how difficult it must be for you to heal from such a loss.”