“I think the hardest part has been seeing my sons grieve. They’re both old enough to know what they lost. Their father was more active with them, playing sports and going on all the scary rides at the amusement parks. They miss him so much and I’m just at a loss. I feel like I need to try to love again, to show them that life can go on, that even though their father can’t be replaced, there are other people that can fill in some of the empty spaces. If they see me permanently grieving, will they be stuck that way too?”
“I agree. I know it’s not nearly the same thing, but I don’t want my daughter to grow up believing that if one marriage doesn’t work out, she has to be alone for the rest of her life. I want her to see that love can be a very positive experience and that sometimes it takes a few tries to get it right.” Natasha glanced at the ocean stretched out before them. “Yes, it would be nice if there were no ripples in life, but I don’t think that’s possible.”
“So what do we do?” Michelle looked out at the water as well. “How do we survive the ups and downs to reach a place of peace?”
“I think we just have to keep at it. That’s why I joined a singles website. I know it’s looked down on by a lot of women, but I wanted to know that there were lots of choices out there—men our age who want to date women our age. I find the women on there are not just there to date, but they are very supportive of other women and give great advice. You should check it out sometime when you’re ready. It’s called Forty and Free.”
“Maybe I will.” Michelle nodded and stood up from the railing. “I guess it couldn’t hurt to take a look.”
“I think the best thing about the site is knowing that everyone there is willing to try to be ready to get into a relationship. Obviously, Thomas isn’t on there.” She laughed.
“Don’t give up, Natasha. He might act like he’s hesitant, but when it comes down to it, he may be more ready than you think. Make sure you find out for sure before you let anything go or move on. The connection I see between the two of you is vibrant, not something to walk away from.”
“I don’t want to walk away.” Natasha swallowed hard and gripped the cool railing. “But it takes two, you know?”
“Yes. I know.” Michelle patted her back and smiled.
Natasha fell silent as she gazed out at the water. Maybe Michelle was right. Maybe it was time to find out just where Thomas stood and whether he would be interested in continuing a relationship after they got off the boat. It might hurt to hear the answer, but it was better to know, to prepare herself for what might come next or what might never come at all.
After sharing a quick meal with Michelle, she headed back to her room. She thought about stopping at Thomas’s room to talk to him, but changed her mind. Maybe it wasn’t right to try to force him to feel something he wasn’t ready to feel. It took her a good bit of time after her divorce from Lucas to even consider another relationship. Maybe Thomas simply wasn’t ready yet.
She reached the corridor that led to her room and froze. There, leaning against the wall beside her door, was Thomas.
He spotted her and stood up from the wall. He didn’t smile. That was the first thing she noticed. She couldn’t remember a time when he’d looked at her and didn’t smile at least a little bit. But as he stood there, she saw how serious he looked.
“Thomas, I thought you were going to rest?” She paused in front of him.
“Could we talk?” He glanced down the corridor in both directions, then back to her. “Inside?”
Her stomach flipped. This was it, the conversation she thought she wanted to have, and it didn’t look good.
“Sure.” She leaned past him to open the door. The scent of him filled her nose. She pushed the door open and he stepped in behind her.
“Wow. This is a bit different than where I’m sleeping.”
“Yes, it is larger.” She began dropping her things onto her bed. “So what did you want to talk about?” When she turned back to face him, he was right in front of her.
The sight of him so close surprised her. She took a sharp breath and a slight step back.
“Don’t.” He caught her around the waist and held her close.
“Thomas.”
“Is this not allowed any more? I’m not sure I know what the rules are.”
“What rules?” She met his eyes.
“One minute we kiss, the next we barely touch. Why?”
She licked her lips and willed herself not to draw back from him. “I think you know why.”
“Do I?”
“Yes. You do.” She brushed her hands down along his arms. “Don’t play dumb. I know how intelligent you are.”
“Alright. Maybe I do know. So what are the rules?” He searched her eyes. “Can I do this?” He leaned in so fast that she didn’t have a chance to think about rules or conversations or even that she was on a boat in the middle of the ocean.
Her lips melted into his and the world spun.
Chapter 26
After dwelling on the thought that he might never get the chance to kiss Natasha again, the sensation of her lips pressed against his was the sweetest thing he’d ever experienced. Nothing could draw him from the dark place he’d settled into, not like her touch along the nape of his neck. It was selfish, but he couldn’t resist. Thomas needed her in ways that made absolutely no sense to him.
She pulled away and started to push back against his shoulders.
“Please.” He looked into her eyes. “Don’t. Just kiss me again.” He leaned close again.
She pushed harder.
“Thomas, we can’t keep doing this. At least I can’t.” She sat down on her bed and looked up at him. “I just can’t.”
He brushed his hands through her hair and gazed down at her. “You can if you want to. It can be as perfect as it’s been. Nothing has to change.”
“Is that the plan? String me along until the end of the cruise so that you can have your fun?”
He narrowed his eyes and dropped his hands from her hair to her shoulders. “That’s not what I’m doing.”
“Are you sure?” She rested her hands over his. “Or are you just telling yourself that it’s not?”
“You’re wrong. How can you even think that?”
“How can I not? You avoid any serious conversations about a relationship. You nearly suffocated when Michelle made that silly comment.”
“You thought it was silly?” He relaxed his grasp on her shoulders and let his hands slide away. When he sat down beside her, she didn’t move away. That offered him some relief, but the hurt in her expression was still there.
“Of course. We’re not in love. I never claimed to be.” She stared hard at her bare feet. “I know that’s not what you want.”
“I’m just trying to get my feet back on the ground, Natasha. It’s like I met you and the ground disappeared.”
“I know.” She bit into her bottom lip.
He wondered if she was trying to hold back what she really wanted to say.
“When you said I deserved an apology, that’s not entirely true. I married my first wife with the belief that it was what I was supposed to do. Date, get engaged, get married—step-by-step. It didn’t occur to me that I was supposed to feel something more than what I did. It hurt when we divorced, but I survived it. When I married my second wife, I fell hard. The sun rose and set with her. I bent over backwards to be the man she wanted me to be.” He hesitated and curled his hands into fists. “It wasn’t enough.”
“Maybe you admired her so much that you wanted her to be that one right person for you. That’s what happened with Lucas and me. In my mind, he was this perfect husband and father, but really that wasn’t fair, because he never pretended to be that. He lived a troubled life and he carried that shadow with him. I just didn’t want to see it. I wanted him to be what I imagined him to be.”
“You might be right. I wanted her to be the mother of my children, the woman I woke up next to for the rest of my life, but she had other priori
ties. I guess I knew that even before I married her. I just overlooked the signs.”
“Relationships are complicated, Thomas. I can’t deny that. They’re risky and challenging and there’s no guarantee that they will ever turn out the way we expect. But I don’t want to spend the rest of my life alone.” She sighed and stood up from the bed.
He followed her with his eyes.
“Look. I can be okay with where we are right now,” she said. “I can even respect the fact that you’ve been honest with me and haven’t made me any false promises. But tomorrow is our last full day on the ship. I’d rather spend it with you enjoying our time together, than dwell on what happens next. By the end of the day, you’re going to have to look me in the eye and tell me what it is that you want, though. I think that’s reasonable.”
He looked up at her as she paused in front of him. “Natasha, I—”
“No, none of that. You’ll look me in the eye and you’ll have to tell me—or everything ends now.” She placed her hands on her hips and stared at him with such authority that his heart skipped a beat. “Or is that what you want? To just end things now?”
“No.” The word blurted from his mouth. “Tomorrow night—I’ll have an answer.”
“An honest answer, Thomas. Nothing wishy-washy, no ‘let’s wait and see.’ I want a clear yes or no as to whether we are going to try for something more. Got it?” She raised an eyebrow.
“Yes.” He curled his hands around her hips and buried his face into the soft slope of her stomach. Her fingertips tickled down through his hair. Despite the tension of the moment she soothed him, as if it mattered more to her that he was comforted than what his answer might be.
His hands slid from her hips to the small of her back as she lay back on the bed. He tilted his chin against her stomach and looked up at her. She gazed down at him with a familiar heat in her eyes. He adjusted himself beside where she lay as his mouth traveled the length of her body to reach her lips.
For one more day he could savor every second with her. He wasn’t going to waste a single one.
Chapter 27
With every kiss, Natasha yearned to force him to answer the question right then. But she resisted. Thomas needed time to think things through. He was a cautious man. If she pushed, he might run. Still, as she stroked her hands along his back and snuggled close to him she couldn’t satiate the need within her to know for sure. How could she ever give him up?
After some time, he surfaced from the daze that their intimacy had seemed to throw him into.
“I should go back to my room.”
“You don’t have to.” She trailed her hand back through his hair as his body curled closer to hers on the bed. “You can stay here with me.”
“You’re sure?” He met her eyes.
“I want to make sure that you get some sleep.” She kissed his forehead. “Just close your eyes.”
Thomas did as she instructed.
With firm pressure, Natasha massaged his shoulders and back. A part of her wondered if she might be trying to tempt him into the decision that she hoped for. Was it wrong to show him what he would be missing if he chose to walk away? If it was, she didn’t care.
She put all of her emotion into the touch that trailed along his neck and arms. She stroked his skin with such affection that he moaned against the pillow. She rested her head on the pillow beside his and stole a quick light kiss from him as his eyes fluttered shut.
She watched the way he surrendered to sleep. It was not without a fight. His nose twitched, his lips tightened until a heavy breath broke them apart. Only then did his brow relax and his breathing become steady. She caressed his cheek. It was so easy for her to imagine him in her life for the rest of her life. It was indulgent and irresponsible to hope for it, but she did.
She fell asleep with the fantasy of what might be playing through her mind.
As Natasha began to wake the next morning, she was aware of a tickle against her skin. She struggled to open her eyes, but she was not quite awake enough to command her body. What was that sensation?
She finally parted her lashes to see that her lips were nestled close against the nape of Thomas’s neck. It was his hair that tickled her face and lips. She didn’t draw away from the sensation. Instead she took a moment to enjoy it.
A low laugh escaped him as she brushed her cheek close to his.
“Your hair is tickling my neck,” he mumbled in a sluggish voice.
She watched as he woke up. There it was, the warmth in his eyes. She didn’t imagine it. He was happy to be with her.
“You’re so beautiful.” He offered her a light kiss, but tried to pull her into a heavier one.
She evaded him, climbing out of bed.
“The boat’s already docked. We should head out.” She began to sort through her suitcase for the clothing she wanted.
His eyes lingered on her. She could feel them. She licked her lips and stole a glance in his direction.
“We could stay here and pretend that the rest of the world doesn’t exist,” said Thomas.
“I like the rest of the world.”
“More than me?”
“I like it better when you’re part of it.” She smiled. “I’m going to get dressed. I’ll meet you on the island, okay?”
“You’re sure?”
“Yes. I’m sure.” She pointed to the door. “Out.”
“Harsh.” He sat up and rubbed his hands along his face. “After that massage you gave me last night, I’m not sure I can walk. My muscles still feel like butter.”
“It’s one of my many specialties.” She winked at him. “Don’t worry. If you tense up later, I’ll give you another.”
“I’m feeling some tension right now.” He stood up and walked toward her.
“Nope! Out!” She pointed to the door again.
With a heavy sigh he turned back to the door and stalked out through it.
She laughed at his playful pout. She couldn’t think of a single thing that she didn’t like about him. That was the problem. If she could just pinpoint one flaw then she might be able to accept that this was likely the last day they’d spend together.
After she dressed she took some time to psych herself up for the day. She didn’t want to be sad or dreary. She would be as high-spirited as she could be. It wasn’t over until it was over.
When she stepped off the ramp from the boat to the island, she found Thomas right beside it.
“Hey, I was wondering when you’d show up.” He smiled at her.
She smiled in return. “It takes time to get this gorgeous, you know.”
“Ha. I’ve seen you first thing in the morning. You’re always gorgeous.”
“You’re not so bad yourself.”
“Hm. If you say so. Shall we?” He gestured toward the beach.
“No, let’s go for a hike instead.”
“Are you up for that?”
“Of course I am.” She slid her hand into his and took the lead. After they’d walked through the beach and shopping areas, they came to a thin dirt road that led toward the center of the island.
“Want to see where it goes?”
“Hopefully not to a nest of snakes.”
“I think we’ll be safe.” She laughed and pulled him down the road.
Soon they were walking along at an even pace and their joined hands swung between them. She couldn’t help but imagine the path as a metaphor for their future. It was unpaved and its destination unknown, but easily traveled. As they neared a clearing, she gestured to the lush green grass. “Want to take a break?”
“Yes.” He sighed and wiped his forehead. “I thought you’d never ask.”
“Now who isn’t up for it?”
“I admit it, I’m a little out of shape.” He dropped down into the grass beside her. “I usually work at a summer camp for kids when school is out. But it’s been a while since I’ve been this active.”
She heard his words but she wasn’t really listening. She�
�d tried to contain herself, to enjoy the day, to wait until the end. But she couldn’t. One more second and she would burst.
“Thomas, I need to know now.”
“What?” He sat up straight and looked at her.
“Is it over when the ship docks? Are we going to go back to our lives like nothing ever happened?”
“Oh, Natasha, it’ll never be nothing.”
She swallowed hard. It wasn’t the answer that she wanted. “So it’ll just be a fond memory?”
He grimaced and closed his eyes. “I want to be what you want me to be, Natasha, but I’m not.”
Her heart shattered. A thousand tiny pinpricks of pain struck her at once. She’d convinced herself that his answer would be far different.
“Okay.” She whispered the word.
“Please try to understand. It has nothing to do with you.”
She stood up and stared down at him as heat built at the backs of her eyes. “I understand. You’ve made your choice.”
He stood up and reached for her. “We still have today.”
She laughed out loud and shoved his hands away as he tried to grasp her. “No; no, we don’t.” She turned and started to walk away.
“Natasha!”
Her name wrapped up in his anguished voice was enough to make the tears come faster. She walked faster and then broke into a run.
“Natasha, come back!” His voice carried after her, but she didn’t stop.
She ran down a path on the other side of the clearing with no concept of where it would lead. Tears spilled from her eyes and that made things even worse. She didn’t want him to see her cry. She didn’t want to cry at all. She was a forty-year-old woman who had no business shedding tears over a crush. But it was impossible to stop the tears from flowing.
The further she ran down the path the more narrow it became. At some point she knew that she should turn back, but she could still hear him chasing after her. What could she say to him? Yes, she’d gotten her hopes up. Yes, she was embarrassed that he didn’t feel the same way. For the first time since Lucas she’d taken a chance on a man and invested herself in a way that she probably shouldn’t have.
Forty and Free: A Sweet Romance Series Bundle - Books 5 - 8 Page 22