All she needed was a chance to calm down. If only he would leave her alone.
She emerged from the path to discover a small pool and waterfall. She didn’t take the time to admire its beauty. Instead, she rushed in under the stream of water. She hoped that the cool water would stop her tears and she could get a grip on reality.
With her back to the path she let the water splash down over her face. One more day on the ship, then she’d be back home where she should have been the entire time.
Maybe Thomas was right. Maybe it was far easier to be alone.
She drew a breath carefully from between streams of water, then ducked under the water again.
Chapter 28
Thomas chased after her despite all of the reasons he knew that he shouldn’t. When he made his decision earlier in the day, he knew it would be hard to tell her, but he had no idea that it would torment him the way that it did.
“Natasha.” His heart pounded hard against his chest. He wished it would bruise. He wished it would rip to shreds. Anything to stop the pain that carried through him at the sight of the hurt in her eyes. He’d done that. He caused it. He knew that.
He paused beside the pool and stared at the water cascading down over her. She looked out at him through the streams.
“I’m fine. I just want to be alone. Please. Just go back to the ship.”
“I won’t.” He folded his arms across his chest. “I’m going to stay right here until you come out of there.”
She sighed and tilted her head up into the rushing water.
Thomas took a step toward her. Did he have a right to demand the opportunity to comfort her? Telling her the truth was the hardest thing he’d ever done. She likely hated him. But it was how he felt. She wanted more than he could offer.
She deserved what she wanted, and what if he wasn’t able to provide it?
But he couldn’t resist the draw to go to her. He walked around the pool to the side of the waterfall. As he made his way inside he watched the way her body shuddered in the cold water. He reached out through the water and encircled her waist with one arm.
“Stop!” She shoved at his arm. “You said what you needed to say. Just go.”
“No, I’m not going anywhere.” He drew her back under the rocky overhang that created the waterfall. “I want to talk.”
She pulled her wrist free and wiped a mixture of water and tears from her face. “I don’t want to talk. I just want to be left alone.”
“You didn’t give me a chance to explain.”
“What is there to explain? It’s not what you want, I get that. You don’t have to tell me again.”
“That’s just it, Natasha. You say it like I’d prefer to have chicken over steak. It isn’t like that at all. You know it’s not.”
“Then why? Why am I not worth the risk to you, Thomas?” Her voice rose, but was muffled by the roar of the waterfall.
“Of course you are!” It was his turn to shout as he stared at her. “Don’t you think I’d give anything to be with you? To be the man that you want?” He shook his head and turned away from her. “You want it to be simple, but it’s not. You’re imagining that I can be something that I can’t. You want marriage, more children—”
“I never said that.”
“You want it, don’t you?” He turned back to face her, his cheeks hot as his eyes burned. “Don’t lie to me.”
“I would like it one day. Yes.” She cleared her throat.
“That’s not me. It can’t be me. Because when I fall in love, when I get married, it doesn’t end that way. Don’t you see that? Sure, I could pretend that it would work, Natasha. I could waste years of your life, convincing you that the man you think I am is really who I am. But it won’t turn out that way, and you’ll resent me for it.”
“You know the future?” She met his eyes.
He blinked back tears that threatened to fall. “I know my track record.”
“So you just don’t care enough to give it a shot? You’ll just toss me aside like I never meant anything to you?”
He grabbed her elbows and held them even as she tried to pull away. “I love you, Natasha. I’m in love with you. But you know that already, don’t you?”
Her breath grew heavy as she stared at him. “I love you too, Thomas. That’s why I can’t understand how you can walk away.”
“I’m walking away, because it’s what is best. This can’t lead to anything good. I don’t have the right to love you when I’m not ready for the things that you want.”
“What if you are, a month from now, a year from now? Won’t you regret it then?”
“I don’t know if I will ever be ready, and I can’t ask you to wait for me.”
She sighed and wrapped her arms around him. As she held him, his entire body grew warm despite the cold water that clung to her clothes.
“I’m so sorry, Natasha. I know I never should have let it get this far. You can hate me if you want. But I couldn’t let you leave without telling you that I love you. No matter what happens in your life, no matter who you find, I will always love you.”
“I’m not going to find anyone else, Thomas.” She looked into his eyes and shook her head. “You’re it. You tell me that you’re not ready and I can accept that. I can even understand it. I don’t hate you. I love you. I want you to be happy. I won’t force you into anything that you’re not ready for. But when we get off that boat tomorrow, I want you to know that whenever you’re ready, whenever you want to take a chance, I will be waiting for you.”
“You can’t do that, Natasha.”
“I can and I will.” She held his gaze. “You’re worth the risk to me, even if you don’t understand that.” She tightened her grasp around his waist and kissed him so hard and long that he was pushed back against the rocks.
Tears slid down his cheeks and mingled with hers as the kiss broke.
“I know I’m making the right choice, Natasha. I’m sorry that it hurts you. It hurts me too.”
“Don’t be sorry.” She wiped the tears from his cheeks and smiled at him. “It’s not goodbye. It’s just until the time is right. Okay?”
“Okay.” He nodded and he wanted to believe her, but he wasn’t sure that he could.
Chapter 29
At least she wasn’t wrong. Thomas loved her too, even if he didn’t want to follow through with it. It wasn’t all one-sided, and that gave her some comfort.
“I’ll go back to the boat. You should be able to enjoy your time here on the island.”
“No. You’ll do no such thing.” She smiled at him despite a few tears that remained in her eyes.
“Why?” He stared at her.
“Just because you’ve made your choice, it doesn’t mean we can’t enjoy a little more time together. Unless you don’t want to?”
“I do. I absolutely do.”
“Then we’ll have some fun. Why don’t we see where this waterfall starts?” She grabbed his hand and led him away from the waterfall.
It surprised her that she didn’t harbor any animosity toward him. He was honest, and that was all she’d asked for. It hurt to think of not being with him, but it was better than never knowing the truth. Maybe, given a little space and time, he would open his heart just a little more. Maybe he wouldn’t. She was willing to wait and find out.
They spent the rest of the day together hiking, exploring, and laughing. As the sun began to set, they nestled in each other’s arms and without resistance they kissed. She stroked his skin as if she might be able to memorize it. She breathed his scent in the hopes that it would stay with her, and held him so close that he might never forget what it felt like to be embraced by her.
When their passion began to overflow to the point that they both might lose control, he pulled away.
“We don’t have to stop.” She kissed him again. “We can be together, if that’s what you want.”
“Not like this.” He brushed his fingertips along her cheek. “I won’t do that.”<
br />
She felt some relief at his words and some disappointment, but mostly she was touched that he would value her enough to resist the desire that she was ready to give in to.
When they returned to the ship, she thought about inviting him back to her room to spend the night again. But the truth was, the ship would dock the next day. She didn’t want to be teary-eyed and waiting for him to change his mind.
She paused behind her door and looked into his eyes. “I want you to know that I don’t regret a moment we’ve spent together, Thomas. I’m grateful for each one. I’m even more grateful that I’ve had the chance to get to know such an amazing person. I hope that you’ll consider—when you’re ready—a friendship with me.”
“I already consider you my friend, Natasha. That will never change.”
“Good.” She smiled. “Then as your friend, I’d like to make a request.”
“What’s that?”
“Let’s let this be goodbye. Tonight. The ship will be busy enough in the morning that we won’t have to see each other when we leave. You have my phone number. You know how to reach me. When you’re ready, if you ever are, just call.”
“I wish things were different, Natasha. If I could be a better man—”
“Stop that. You are a wonderful person. And, as much as it hurts to admit this, you’re not wrong. I’d rather you told me the truth about what you don’t want, than lie and end up in a bad place because of it. We’re in different places right now, and we want different things. Maybe that will change. Maybe it won’t. But I’m still happy we’ve had this time together.”
“Me too.” He gripped her hand tight, as if he might not want to let her go.
The sensation inspired a whole new flood of tears for Natasha.
“Goodbye, Thomas. I love you.” She kissed him on the cheek.
As she pulled away he turned his lips to her ear and whispered. “I love you too, Natasha. I always will.”
She couldn’t look at him again. Instead, she opened her door and closed it quickly behind her.
Was he still outside? Did he feel the same urge to be back in her arms? She squeezed her eyes shut tight. He’d made his choice and she had to find a way to respect that.
She spent the entire night fighting the desire to go to his room, to demand he give their relationship a chance. By the time the sun rose, she was exhausted from the turmoil. She stayed in her room, both to avoid him and to be where he could easily find her if he wanted to.
When the ship docked, she was one of the first to disembark. As expected, a car was waiting for her. When she opened the door, she willed herself not to look back. He wouldn’t be there. He wouldn’t race to her to declare his love. This wasn’t a fairy tale.
She wasn’t strong enough to resist. She looked back toward the ship and saw him at the railing, his hands tight around it. She smiled at him, despite the pain that tore through her. His lips curved, but not quite into a smile. She knew in that moment that she wasn’t alone in her heartache. That gave her just a little comfort.
She slid into the car and closed the door. It would be a long drive home. She needed it to get her head on straight. Emma would be full of questions, and Lucas would be able to tell that something was off.
But none of that compared to the emptiness she felt as the car got further and further away from Thomas. Was she meant to endure such a loss? She believed that she’d finally found the man of her dreams, and yet she had to let him go. It was the hardest thing she’d ever had to do, and she imagined it was equally as difficult for him.
Chapter 30
Thomas woke with a jolt from a dead sleep. At first he thought a loud noise must have woken him, but he realized the pounding that he heard was his own heart. Every muscle in his body contracted and his breath grew short. Was this it? Was he dying?
He sat up and rubbed his chest. A shudder seized his body. Then he remembered. It was over. He’d told her himself that he didn’t want things to continue between them.
Natasha had said goodbye.
He closed his eyes and gritted his teeth against a surge of anguish. Never did he think that it would be this difficult. How could he turn her away? A deep selfish desire flooded him. He could go to her. He could stop all of it before she got away. He threw on his clothes and headed out of his room to discover that he’d overslept.
The boat was already docked. Passengers were already leaving.
He rushed to the edge of the deck and looked over the railing at the dock below. As he scanned the crowd his hands gripped the railing so tight that his nails bit into his palms. The moment he spotted her he planned to chase after her.
Then there she was, in the morning sun beside a luxury car. He watched as she opened the door.
In that moment he could have called out to her. He could have drawn her back into the wild affair that they’d started.
But when she tilted her head and her hair fell forward to shield part of her face as she looked back at the boat, he knew. He couldn’t do it. Nothing he’d said had been a lie. He loved her, but he couldn’t be what she needed.
He released his grip on the railing and turned back to his room. He needed to get back to what mattered, to what good he could actually do.
When he arrived back at his house the empty windows stared at him. He stared back. He had bought a house because it was cheaper than paying rent. He didn’t really like the house. He’d barely decorated it.
“Welcome back. I see you got a tan,” said Donald as Thomas set a box down on top of the desk in his classroom.
“I did.”
“And?”
“And nothing.” He shrugged.
“Somehow I don’t believe you.”
“You don’t have to believe me, but I’m back. What’s on the agenda?”
“We’re going to have a fundraiser this Saturday to support the summer camp next year. You weren’t supposed to be back until Monday, you know. You still have time to enjoy yourself and recover from your vacation. It looks like you might need it.”
“Is it that obvious?” Thomas rubbed a hand across his forehead.
“I thought people were supposed to come back from vacation refreshed. What exactly did you do on that boat?”
Memories flooded his mind. Natasha’s smile, her laughter, her determination not to let him pay. All of it rushed back to him. He closed his eyes and took a breath.
“You know what they don’t warn you about?”
“What?”
“Seasickness.”
“Oh, I could have told you that.”
“Maybe you should have.” He chuckled.
“Sorry you didn’t have a great time.”
“I did. Once my stomach settled. I’m really grateful for the trip.”
“You don’t have to convince me. I know you are. You’re a bad liar, if you haven’t figured that out.”
“Am I?”
“Very. You enjoyed your trip. Probably too much, and now you’re trying to keep a secret.”
Thomas locked eyes with him. “Perceptive.”
“And also not my business.” He smiled. “Lucky for you, we’re not gal pals and we don’t have to chat. But if you ever need some support, I’m here.”
“Thanks, Don.”
“Any time. I’ll let you get settled in.”
As Donald left the classroom, Thomas turned his attention to the drawings on the wall. At the end of every school year he had the kids draw a picture of something they wanted to do in the next year of their life. He liked them to anticipate what came next, to think further than just the summer. Sure they were young, but their minds were just as sharp and capable as anyone’s if given a chance.
His heart sank as he looked through the pictures. Three of his students, on average, wouldn’t get to see their next year. That was the reality he faced every new school year. Chances were that some of his students would be victims of violence, or even homicide, or at the very least neglect. These children, their siblings, their ne
ighbors, and every child that struggled the way they did around the country had his heart. They needed a parent to look after them, and though he might never be their father, he cared for each one as if they were his own.
Unfortunately there was only so much that he could do. In the end, the doors closed for the summers and the children scattered back to their troubled homes. The summer camp was the only thing that saved some of them, if their parents allowed them to attend and the funds were there to cover them. If things didn’t go well at the fundraiser, then a lot fewer kids were able to attend.
He tried to focus his attention on what needed to be done, but every time his thoughts drifted off, they went right back to Natasha.
What was she doing? How did she feel? Was that ache in the pit of her stomach too? He closed his eyes. He thought he’d made the right choice. He thought that he’d protected her from what would surely be another one of his failed relationships. But the pain that haunted him about her absence was already far more than what he’d expected.
Days slipped by with his mind in a fog. He went through the routine of his life, but his heart didn’t participate. Thomas’s friends noticed the absence of his normally jovial attitude. When he had some in-home meetings with a few of his students from the year before, even they seemed to sense a difference.
“Don’t be so sad, I’ll still come back and visit you when I’m in third grade.”
“Thank you, Benny. And don’t forget, there’s always a place for you at the summer camp.”
“I hope so.” The young boy looked into his eyes. “Can my little sister come too?” He looked down at the toddler that crawled toward him. “She gets scared when she’s not with me.”
“We’ll see what we can do.” Thomas picked up the little girl and settled her on his knee. “Would you like that, hm?”
“Take her, please. I’ve got enough on my plate.” Their mother threw her hands up into the air. “Between these two and my older ones I can’t keep up.”
“We do have a preschool program. Maybe we could expand it to a younger group this year.” Thomas studied the woman. “Do you have everything you need? Clothes? Food? Diapers?”
Forty and Free: A Sweet Romance Series Bundle - Books 5 - 8 Page 23