by Allie York
I helped Oz clean up, held Conrad, and spent time with Rose outside of work for the first time in a while. Porter left because we forced him too. No one was making him clean up on his birthday. Jax hung back, sweeping the kitchen and wiping down the counters. I wanted to think he was waiting for me to leave with him, but it was wishful thinking. Or so I thought.
“I’ll send you those applications when I get home, Oz!” She insisted that I let her go over some applications and have me hire a part-time person to pick up some slack. I waved across the house. Oz blew me a kiss and waved. I told Harris goodbye and hooked Ranger to his leash. It was finally my night with him.
“I’m going too. Bye!” Jax nearly shoved me out the door and followed me out to my car. “Wanna come over?” There was no expectation in his voice. Did I want to have sex with him, of course, I did, but after watching Oz and Harris all day, I couldn’t handle my emotions enough for sex.
“Uh, Ivy is sick. I’m going to go check on her.” I couldn’t even force a smile. I opened my door for Ranger, and he jumped in. “Maybe another night?”
“You can tell me when you have another dude coming over.” Jax brushed past me and threw the Jeep door open.
“I know I can, but I don’t have a fucking date. Ivy said she was sick, and at home so I’m going to check on her.” I propped my hand on my hip. “Might wanna pull the stick out of your ass.”
“It’s not me with the stick,” Jax snapped.
“I’m tired and want to go home. Why are you being an asshole?” I shot back.
“Just stop fucking lying to me and I will.” Jax got in the Jeep, started it and peeled out of the Oswin driveway. I took a steadying breath through my nose, forcing back the tears. I’d not cried over a man since my dad forgot my birthday and I vowed I never would again. Jax was not about to break my streak.
I got in the car, holding my breath so I didn’t cry and blinked to keep the tears at bay. The drive home was hard after the hateful exchange for reasons I didn’t understand. My phone lit up in the passenger floorboard a few times, but I ignored it. I didn’t want his stupid apology anyway. At home I parked and put my hands at ten and two on the wheel. Ranger was passed out in the back, exhausted from playing with all the other dogs. I stared blankly at the house, thinking of what the hell Jax was mad about. Surely it wasn’t because I turned down his invitation for sex. There were plenty of times in the last two months that we told the other no, so I have no idea why he was being such an ass. His sharp words bounced around my head and the first tear slid down my cheek. I was so pissed that another trickled down the other side. It was unfair of him to assume, or get mad, or talk to me that way. I never let anything get to me. Ozma cried about everything, not me. Yet there I was, tears streaking my face in the driveway over the harsh words of some guy. Maybe I was a little in love with him, but it wasn’t a good excuse for the way I was feeling. I felt lost, devastated, broken over his accusations.
It took so much effort to clean my face up and get out of the car, that I worried Ivy was going to come out to check on me. I grabbed my compact and powdered my face lightly before going in to face Ivy. Ranger followed me in and went straight to his crate to lie down. The TV was on, and Ivy was stretched out on the couch, heating pad across her middle.
“Party fun?” She turned the TV down and tipped her head back to look up at me.
“Yeah. You pull a muscle?” I sat down in the overstuffed chair across the room.
“Endometriosis makes periods suck really bad sometimes.” She dropped her head back and groaned.
“Yeah, I bet.” I stared at her with this horrible feeling creeping into my stomach. The feeling of free falling with nothing to catch you. The urge to vomit rose in my throat, but I swallowed. “When did you start?” I slipped my phone from my purse and looked through my calendar.
“Uh, three days or so ago, why?” Ivy groaned and rolled over, taking the heating pad with her. I forced myself to take even breaths.
“Wondering how long you’ve been miserable.” I stood staring at my calendar, comparing the highlighted week with the current week. “I need a shower.” I walked past her, not taking my eyes off the calendar on the way to our bathroom. Stress. It had to be stress. Or my exercise schedule. There had to be a reason I was a week late. I started the shower, tossed my phone on the counter and started digging under the sink. I knew there had to be a test under it somewhere. I finally found one in the back and tore it out of the box. The urge to cry again welled in my throat. I shook my head and followed the instructions.
I stripped, refusing to look at the test for a full three minutes. I was on the pill, I used condoms every single time, so there was no way. It was impossible. There was no possible way. I leaned on the counter, steam rolling out of the shower, and opened my eyes. Two little lines stared back at me and I dropped to my knees to throw up everything I’d eaten all day. Once I was done dry heaving, I backed up to the tub and curled into a ball, trying to figure out how it happened, how to feel, what to do next. I couldn’t keep back tears, or even out my breathing, no matter how hard I tried. I knew it had to be Jax. I hadn’t been with anyone else in two months. My stomach threatened to expel something again and I sat up to dry heave into the bowl.
Once I stopped feeling dizzy, I peeled myself off the floor and climbed into the shower. The water was scalding, turning my skin red instantly, but I could barely feel it. I couldn’t stand in the shower, so I sat down, folding in on myself. Jax would accuse me of trying to trap him. He’d demand a paternity test; it would get so ugly. Our friends would have to pick a side, he would never want to be a family with me and a kid neither us wanted. I gagged again but held back from throwing up again. I knew what I had to do to fix it, but I never thought I would be in the position where I was even considering it. Jax didn’t want a baby, he didn’t even want a girlfriend. He worked odd hours, just got a promotion, and yelled at me before I came home. I had fooled myself into making our arrangement something it wasn’t. I fell in love and being pregnant just made it worse. My emotions and hormones had me not thinking straight, or even half rational.
Once the water got cold, I got out and wrapped in a towel to go to the next room, my bedroom, to get dressed. I didn’t blow-dry my hair; I didn’t put on lotion. I put on yoga pants and a baggy shirt, then grabbed my phone and purse. Ivy was asleep on the couch; Ranger was asleep in his crate. I locked his crate door and left the house. My wet hair made me shiver. A fog moved into my head and the knot in my stomach tightened. I had no idea what I was doing, I was working on autopilot, unaware of calling a clinic, or making an appointment, or maybe I just asked a question. I didn’t process the drive across town. I got out of the car and looked up at the brick building, unsure if I was relieved or terrified. It’s not like I had a better option, or anyone to talk to, so I locked my car and went through the doors. I wasn’t even sure what was going to happen. I just knew I needed someone to confirm what was in front of me so I could deal with it. The lady at the counter spoke to me and the urge to puke happened again. I swallowed it. I signed in and sat down. A cold sweat covered me; my hands shook. I can’t be pregnant. I had these visions of seeing a nurse and having a good laugh about the pregnancy scare. They would tease me about overreacting, and I’d go home relieved. I’d be more careful next time, if there was a next time.
Someone called my name and I stood up, my phone rang in my hand, but I silenced it. It rang again. I stopped just short of the nurse to answer it. “Hello?” My voice echoed in my head. The woman tried to talk to me, but I waved my hand to shut her up. I wanted everyone to shut up except Jax. My pulse thudded so loud in my ears that I was afraid I couldn’t hear him when he did speak.
“Hey.” Jax’s voice made my knees a little weak, like a weight was suddenly off my shoulders. “I was going to keep calling until you answered. I treated you like shit earlier and I’m sorry.” I nodded, but he couldn’t see me. “Are you home? You wanna go grab something to eat? I don’t wanna h
ave sex, just talk or something. I was a dick.” He went quiet and the world all came rushing at me at once. The receptionist typing, the nurse waiting for me, the traffic outside, the sounds of the world slammed into me. All the fog lifted, and tears broke the barrier, making hot streaks down my face. The nurse came toward me, but I held my hand up. If she tried to comfort me, I had no idea what my reaction would have been.
A sob left my throat. “I need you to pick me up. Now. Please just come get me.” There was no trying to hide my crying. I looked at the lady and shook my head then ran outside as fast as I could. The air outside made it easier to breathe, but I still choked over every sob. I sat on the brick steps. Jax kept talking, asking if I was okay, begging me to tell him where I was. “5100 Ocean Way.” I sobbed.
“I’ll be right there, don’t move, Blair!” I could hear the Jeep door slam, the engine rev. He kept asking me questions, but all I could do was cry. I don’t even know why I was crying, or how to tell him, what to tell him, so I just cried and waited. How do you tell the man you weren’t supposed to fall in love with that you’re pregnant with his baby without telling him you are madly in love with him? I knew once he got to me, that the world as we knew it was over. The delicate arrangement ended the second he got to me, and I cried harder. Jax talked to me, demanding I tell him if I was safe, if I was hurt. I only cried and apologized. Over and over. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.
Tires squealed, a car door slammed, and Jax yelled my name. I had my head between my knees, phone still to my ear, but I forced myself to lift my head. I dropped the phone and stood. He ran at me in slow motion, but too fast. His arms went around me, I burrowed into his chest and grabbed at his shirt. He kept asking me what was wrong, but couldn’t I do anything but cry. Jax held me while I cried, unable to get close enough to him. What have I done?
“Come on, Blair. Its’ going to be okay.” He led me across the lot to his Jeep and opened the passenger side door. I stopped clinging to him long enough to get in and pull my knees to my chest. I jumped when my door closed and again when his did. I was all out of tears, but my breathing kept stalling. My soul needed to cry, but my body was too tired.
“What the hell are you doing here?” Jax whispered, his hand running over the back of my still-damp hair.
I opened and closed my mouth over and over, but nothing happened. He whispered my name and suddenly, the words were there. “I’m pregnant.” I squeezed my eyes closed and waited for his response.
Chapter Ten
Jax
I looked from my hand on the back of her head to the building in front of us. I heard her, and I knew what the clinic was, but something in my brain kept misfiring. I adjusted in my seat and went back to petting the back of her head. My chest tightened, and I had a hard time breathing. Panic crawled over me, inching into every part of me, but I had no idea what I was so damn scared of.
“Say something,” Blair whispered. I blinked my focus back to her.
I knew she was with other dudes, but the question I blurted out was the most horrible thing I could have said. “Who’s is it?” Blair slowly lifted her head and glared at me. Her red-rimmed eyes made me need to look away. “Sorry,” I mumbled, unsure of what to say or do.
“I…” Blair swallowed. “How did this happen?”
“I don’t know.” I always wore a condom, always, but I had no idea what she did with other people. My hand was still rhythmically petting her hair, the other gripping the steering wheel hard enough to break it. “Did you?” I tipped my head toward the clinic. I didn’t know how I wanted her to answer. I didn’t know how I felt. My brain came to a halt and went into overdrive at two little words. I’m pregnant. We had sex, a lot, so my chances of fathering a baby were pretty high if she was pregnant. Either answer would have pissed me off or made me lose my fucking mind.
“Can we go somewhere else?” Blair laid her cheek on her knees to look up at me. I nodded, started the car, and pulled out of the lot.
When I was a kid, before I went to juvie, I ended up in a lot of foster homes that sucked. Too many kids, shit parents, and worse. So, I’d run off to a specific place to think and be alone. I drove there, watching Blair be still and silent next to me. She didn’t move other than to close her eyes. It took about twenty minutes to get there, but I found the gravel lot wedged between two buildings and pulled in. Blair blinked up at me and I offered her the phone she dropped at the clinic. She shook her head and I put it in the seat. I got out and ran around the car to let her out. When I got to the clinic to pick her up, I hadn’t paid any attention to how different she looked. Her shirt could have fit me, and she wasn’t wearing any make-up. I’d seen naked Blair and gym Blair, but the one standing in front of me was… something else. I stared for a minute while she climbed out and shut the door. Her hair was wet and tangled, eyes red and puffy. She was the most beautiful thing I’d ever seen. It hit me like a fucking truck. I’m in love with her.
“What?” Blair’s voice cracked a little.
“Nothing.” I reached out my hand for her and after a beat of hesitation, she took it. We walked into the sand toward the beach, slowly. Every time I looked her way, she was focused on the sand under her flip flops. When we got to the edge of the water, Blair tried to keep walking, but I pulled her back.
I tipped her head up to look at me. “What happened?” I asked. Blair sat in the sand, pulling me down with her. I wrapped her in my arms and waited.
“I didn’t have a date tonight,” she mumbled. “I went home, and Ivy was on the couch, she said her period was killing her and I started thinking. It had been a while. I took a test.” Blair let out a slow breath. She scooted away and looked at me, her bottom lip between her teeth. “I haven’t slept with anyone else, Jax.”
“Blair.” I shook my head, ignoring the serious look on her face.
“I haven’t since the first time,” she snapped. “I tried, trust me, but I just… couldn’t.” Blair dropped her head again. “I know you have, and its fine, we had an agreement, but I couldn’t, so I didn’t.” With the exception of a really bad blowjob, I hadn’t either, but that wasn’t the point here. The point was I was the one who got her pregnant.
“So, you were going to the clinic for what? You sure as shit didn’t call me first.” Anger flared inside me. Not that I would push her into anything, but she should have at least consulted me. I deserved a fucking phone call.
“You don’t want a baby, Jax,” she whispered.
“Don’t tell me what the fuck I want, Blair. Don’t fucking do it,” I yelled, not able to control the emotions anymore. “So, did you?” I backed away from her and rolled my shoulders. I had no idea what I wanted, but I knew I wanted a fucking choice. I wanted a say in what was going on.
“I didn’t do it, Jax.” Blair looked at me again. “Even if you hadn’t called, I wouldn’t have. I panicked, okay. I don’t even know what I was going to do. I wanted someone to tell me I was wrong or something.” Her lip trembled, and her face turned red.
“Okay. Panic is okay, just call me before you decide on things. I’ll help, we can talk it out.” I’d never been the voice of reason, ever, but suddenly, I was making the sane decisions. “Come here.” Blair moved back next to me and I held her again. I didn’t have any answers, so I did what I knew to do, what felt right, and just held her.
We watched the sun go down sitting in the sand not moving. It gave me time to process. I didn’t think Blair would lie to me, so assuming she was really pregnant, it was mine. I had no idea how, but there we were. While we sat there, I tried to think about the future, the plan for the situation. Our friends not knowing went out the window. Everyone would know, they’d expect me to man up, take care of her and the baby. I would, of course, if she wanted to keep it. No matter how she wanted the situation to play out, I’d be there to support her. My role in everything was based on her decisions.
Blair shifted against me and I held her tighter. My perfect scenario was different than hers. I’d have her mo
ve in with me, bring Ranger, and apply for a two-bedroom in my building. We’d get married, have a baby, and never need to fuck another person again. Damn, my plans have changed. Blair didn’t want that. At least I didn’t see her settling down with a family. Although her not sleeping with anyone else since our first time did put a point in my column.
“Oh god,” Blair mumbled, climbing to her feet. “I left Ranger at home!” Blair had that panicked look again and started dusting her pants off.
“Hey.” I tugged her hand and pulled her into my lap. “He in the crate?”
“Yeah.” Blair nuzzled into my neck.
“He’s fine,” I promised. “He does great in a crate and we need to talk. What do you want to do? How are you handling this? Ozma is going to find out about us now, so we need some new rules.” I didn’t want rules. I wanted Blair.
“I don’t know what to do,” Blair admitted. “People will expect us to be together, get married and stuff. I know that’s not what you want. This is so much to process.”
“Don’t tell me what I want, Princess.” I tried not to yell at her.
“Jax…” Blair looked up at me. “You aren’t the kind of guy that has a family and we both know it. You and I are the same, we get bored and we move on. You can be honest with me.” Her dark blue eyes filled with tears.
I bit back my anger. “You want the truth, Blair?” She nodded. “The truth is I was pissed as hell when you wouldn’t come home with me earlier. Not because I didn’t get laid, but because I thought someone else was. I’m fucking jealous that you think it’s okay to let some other asshole buy you dinner, take you out, but I’m only there for some dick when you need it!” I screamed, not able to control it anymore.