See How She Awakens

by Michelle Graves

  “Am I going crazy? Or can you see it?”

  “There is a darkness within you. I can see it now, as I refused to see it before.” Aberto reached his hand up to my face, grazing his thumb over my cheek. “When is it strongest? What does the darkness want from you? Did Sonneillon say before the end?”

  “I’m not sure. Sometimes I think it wants to control me to use me for something, other times it tries to tempt me into ending myself. Which is crazy, because I thought I couldn’t die.” I moved away from Aberto, the proximity to him not helping me to explain how the darkness had been changing me. “Sonneillon said it lived within me now. You saw the way Uriel reacted to me, as if I am some sort of tainted thing. The thing that scares me most is that it is growing. The demon told me time was my enemy, and I believe it. With each passing minute, it expands, it takes over a bit more.”

  “What does it feel like?”

  “It feels as though some parasite is taking control of my body, of my mind, and I have absolutely no control. When I am angry, or when the hurt becomes too much, it gets stronger. It takes advantage of my weakness, preys on my fears. At the Order, the way Ian was toward me, though justifiable because he is scared for Molly, caused something to shift within me. And when everything started to fall apart, the darkness took advantage of my fear. It took control, and if I’m being honest, it felt good. I wasn’t afraid, I felt strong."

  I will keep you strong. Let me rule you.

  “What of the voice? The one you answer to so frequently.” Aberto’s tone was that of a teacher, a guide. Passionless and direct.

  “It speaks in my mind, urging me to doubt everyone close. To rely upon its guidance. Sometimes I can see the error in its logic, but that is getting harder. This morning, when you came in it was trying to convince me that you had left me alone, that you wouldn’t return for me.”

  “And you believed it?” Gone was the professorial tone.

  “No, I didn’t.”

  “How were you able to discern its words were not truthful? What made this time different?” Aberto questioned.

  “You,” I answered truthfully. Any time the darkness had tried to make me doubt Aberto, it had never been truly successful. Even when it had tried to convince me of him wanting me for his selfish reasons. I wasn’t sure if it were the bit of his soul residing within my own that fought the darkness back, or if it were the history we’d shared. Either way, the darkness was powerless to control the truth where Aberto was concerned. It could stir the anger within me, and bring up the doubts that already existed, but it would never be able to place new fears.

  He closed the distance between us; his body heat radiated against me, sending shivers down my spine. “What do you mean?”

  “I think it has something to do with your soul being inside of me. I doubt you, but my doubts are my own. The darkness can feed from my fears, but it can’t make me feel things I didn’t already feel with you. It isn’t like that with everyone.”

  “Is that what happened at the Order?”

  “Yeah.” I swallowed back my fear as I plunged headfirst into the truth. There would be no turning back, but I didn’t want to fight this alone. “Aberto,” I paused unsure if I could really press on.

  “Izzy, I am here for whatever it is you need.”

  “I need to know. Are you here because of the prophecy, and what I mean to the world, or are you here because you think it will pull me closer to you?”

  “I care not for this world. Have my past actions not shown as much?” He raised a wry brow as a crooked smile graced his mouth. “As for why I am here, it is for you. Not for some expectation or hope, but to help you as I swore I would. I am yours, I’ve always been yours. In whatever capacity you will have me.”

  A chill raced down my spine as the darkness churned within. Aberto was changing things. His presence meant I may just have a fighting chance against what was building inside. For the first time since I’d been brought back, I began to feel a glimmer of hope that I wouldn’t change into a monster.

  “The darkness never leaves, Aberto. It is always there, waiting, listening. Even now, it lurks just beyond reach. When I killed Sonneillon, I took the darkness within myself. That isn’t something that can be undone.”

  “So we will find a way to make the darkness more bearable, submissive to your will.”

  “Do you think it is possible?” I was afraid to hope, to believe I would ever be strong enough to control something so depraved.

  Aberto’s fingers pushed a stray hair behind my ear, his hand lingering for a second too long. “Izzy, I think you are capable of a great many things. Now come, I want to show you something.”

  “I thought we were trying to fight the darkness within me?” I shouted toward his back.

  “You must first heal in order to fight the darkness. You have not yet grieved your lover, or paid homage to his memory. It is time.”

  “I remember him in every breath I take, mourn his absence, the loss of him. I don’t need to focus on it, it is always there.”

  “There is a difference between what you are doing and actively facing the loss. You live with it, but you have yet to accept the truth.” Aberto stopped next to a pyre, ready to be lit.

  Memories of the ceremony Kennan, Ian, and I had done when my mother died came rushing forward. We’d laughed that night, loved, found solace in one another’s grief. Here, I would be alone in my pain. But this was the way of our people. I would honor Kennan and keep his memory.

  “After this we’ll find a way to save Molly? To make things right with Ian and the others? I don’t want their last memory to be of me being so, off.”

  “First, you must face the truth, what has passed, and what is to come. You must make peace with yourself, the being you’ve become. When that is done, we can learn how to break the darkness’s hold on you. Only when all of this has been complete will you be ready to help your friends.” Aberto looked to the pyre as a thought crossed my mind. He’d gone through something similar to this, a shift, a change in who he once was.

  “Fine.” I muttered turning back toward the fire.

  Staring at the pile of wood, a thousand thoughts began to run through my mind. But I knew it was time. Aberto was right. This had to be done.

  “The last time I did one of these, we just used the fireplace in the cabin. Is there some sort of ceremony or something I should do? I don’t want to mess this up.” I wanted to do this right, for Kennan, for myself.

  “The closest in heart to the departed lights flame to the pyre. Once it is fully engulfed in flames, we will honor his memory with our own memories of his life.”

  Aberto handed me a piece of wood that had been set aflame. I wasn’t really sure when he’d lit it, but it didn’t matter. Thoughts of Kennan swirled in my mind as I touched the flame to the wood, igniting it into a raging fire. As the flames multiplied, my life with Kennan moved through my mind. Memories unfolded, bringing me back to the moment I first met him. It was just after my Grams had died…

  I reached for the door handle, and the minute my fingers connected, I felt I was exactly where I belonged. Tingly warmth spread throughout my extremities. The whole thing seemed utterly bizarre. Ultimately, I brushed it off as the endorphins created by the change in my regularly scheduled programming. I opened the door and stepped inside.

  The pub was unassuming. There were several booths along the far wall by the door. Down toward the end of the building was a stage where live bands played on weekends. Then there were a smattering of tables and the bar. There weren’t very many patrons sitting around, but I hadn’t expected there to be many on a Wednesday night. I started to move toward the bar and felt as if I were being watched.

  I looked up to find a pair of brilliant blue eyes trained in my direction. A sudden wave of déjà vu rushed over me as I took in the man belonging to the eyes. He was unreasonably tall and broad. He was built like an old-timey Irish boxer with a barrel chest and narrow waist. I took him all in, and I knew I had nev
er seen him before. A man that imposing would have stuck. However, he did leave a strange tickling sensation in the back of my brain.

  I brushed it off as a reaction to the man’s undeniable hotness. I broke eye contact and made my way to a bar stool just to have him come back into view. He walked up and stood in front of me, and I realized he was the bartender. I supposed if I hadn’t been gawking, I would have noticed him behind the bar. Operation socialize Izzy was going spectacularly. Sheesh, I needed to pull it together.

  “What can I get for you there, Red?” He asked with a hint of laughter in his voice. I looked up into his eyes and was astonished with what I found. The man was just inhumanly gorgeous. So not what I needed right now, I was here for friends.

  Our meeting led to me remembering how we’d become roommates, then best friends. All of it led up to the moment everything changed; the moment I found out I was something more than I’d ever known.

  “What are you?" I asked simply. The most complex question that came to my mind was ‘what are you?’ Like he was going to tell me he was a werewolf or vampire. I needed to cut down on my novel intake, it would seem.

  “What I am is the same as you, just a little different. I’m a Guardian, a sworn protector of the Seers. More precisely, I’m your Guardian. I have sworn a vow to keep you safe from those that would do you harm. Hence, I kidnapped you to a cabin in the middle of the Olympic National Park wilderness. I thought we were safe in Chicago. I honestly did, and then he found you. He’s been looking for so long. But I’m getting ahead of myself. Are you following me so far?"

  I nodded in encouragement. I was afraid if he stopped I wouldn’t be able to get him talking again.

  “Your mom is a Seer as well. She can predict the future outcome of events. She can even predict various outcomes of a situation based on the different choices that can be made. She’s amazing. She can pick out when a natural disaster will happen within the second. She can even predict winning Lotto numbers if she really wants to focus her attention that way. I’ve never seen anything like her before. She’s the best of all of the Seers throughout history, and you are predicted to surpass even her." He said this with a look of awe, like it was a good thing.

  “You keep saying she is, Kennan. What she is, is dead. She has been for a long time," I said with an obvious air of confusion around me.

  “No, she’s not.”

  With those four little words, he’d successfully flipped my world on its ear.

  Then the dreaded night, the night when I’d thought I’d lost him. So many times the memory had played out in my mind. So many times I wished I could go back and be stronger, to stop Xavier from ever hurting him.

  I turned my focus back to Xavier, only to find he had been waiting for me to awaken.

  In his hand was a gun pointed straight at Kennan. Before I could even scream, Xavier smiled in my direction and pulled the trigger. It hit Kennan in the throat and then he fired again hitting him in the chest. There was so much blood.

  I was drowned in it, a whole new horror replacing all of the nightmares Xavier had induced. He had just brought them to reality, and I was overtaken by a haze of red. I was numb to the pain. No longer could I hurt; he had just taken away the one person that was my entire world.

  So many times, I’d almost lost Kennan. And now, he was truly gone. But not without leaving his mark on my soul. My very existence echoed with hundreds of memories of him. The first moment we’d kissed; the life we’d planned to live out in our quiet house in Alabama. The way he made everything in me feel perfectly at peace. I wanted to spend a millennia wrapped up in those memories—the good, the ugly, the fantastic, and the awful—each one as precious as the last.

  “Izzy, the time has come. What do you wish to speak into the flames?” Aberto said, pulling me from the memories parading through my mind.

  Tears streamed down my cheeks as I walked toward the fire, getting as close as the flames would allow me. I whispered into the flames to Kennan.

  “Kennan, I don’t know how to breathe without you. Your laughter will never again be heard, your smile never again seen. I won’t get to feel the brush of your skin against mine. Though I miss you more than my words can possibly speak, I am blessed. I would live a thousand lives for the chance to live those moments again with you. To see your face as I walked into the bar for the first time, to rediscover what you were to me all along, to know you loved me—I would do it all again to have one more moment. Aberto says you sacrificed yourself so I could live. I would have stayed with you in the void forever. Never to hear you again, to know that my future will never be yours—the pain is unbearable. I don’t know if I can go on, I don’t know if I want to go on.” Sobs wracked my body, causing my words to come out in choked cries.

  “Kennan O’Malley, you are the bravest man I will ever know. I never once deserved your love, but you loved me anyway. You made me want to be strong, to be the best possible version of myself that I could. I know I can’t stay like this, to live with this ache inside of me forever. I will never forget you, my heart will never heal from the loss of you. But I know I do your memory no honor by lingering on a future that can never be. You gave your life so that I might live. I will try.”

  Falling to my knees, the heat warmed my tears as they slid down my face. My home was truly gone. I could never go back to him, to the way things had been. He was gone, and it was only now that I truly understood. Aberto had been right, I hadn’t accepted his death. Even now, I didn’t know how to move forward, to live a life without Kennan. I didn’t want to, and that made it all the harder.

  “May I speak, Izzy?” Aberto’s voice came from behind me, pulling me out of my own head and back to the present.

  “Yes.” Unsure of what he may say about Kennan, I stilled to listen.

  “Kennan was the kind of Guardian we are all called to be. He was strong, loyal, and even now is called to the service of the heavens. His soul will be revered for millennia to come. The loss of him is felt profoundly, not just by his Seer, but by us all. The world was better for having him.” Aberto, the man of few words, had spared many for Kennan. Those words meant the world to me; I knew they had not come easily.

  “What now?” I asked, sitting back to pull my knees up to my chest.

  “Now we watch as the flames burn. We watch until their light is extinguished. Then you must move forward.”

  So we sat, watching as the pyre burned, and the wood collapsed unto itself. We watched as the flames burnt the massive logs into ashes, and as the embers slowly died. The day melted into night as we sat, watching the last of Kennan’s light burn out. When the last spark finally extinguished, I looked up to the sky, the sea of stars sparkling high overhead, and I could feel him. I knew he was out there, somewhere, watching me. It could be enough, knowing I wasn’t quite so alone. It had to be.

  “Ready?” Aberto asked, standing with his hand outstretched to help me up.

  “I don’t know if I will ever truly be ready, but I can’t stay like this forever.” I clasped his hand.

  As we made our way back to the shack in the middle of nowhere, I was surprised to realize the darkness had left me alone.

  “Aberto, I haven’t felt the darkness for a long time now. I know it is still there, but it hasn’t been yammering in my head.”

  “Love,” Aberto muttered.

  “What do you mean, Love?”

  “Remember when Uriel said love and sacrifice would be your salvation? Well, Kennan sacrificed himself so you might live. Love is what will allow you to do so.”

  “I don’t understand. How can love help me to live when the man I love is gone?”

  “When we walked down to the pyre today, what did you feel? What were the emotions most present?” Aberto’s question made me assess just how I’d really been feeling.

  “I was angry and hurt. Guilt for being the one that lived, and pain for never being able to have the future I’d wanted with Kennan.” I paused on the steps leading into the house.


  “What do you feel now?” Aberto’s eyes met mine.

  “I feel loved. I was loved more than most people are ever loved in a lifetime. It still hurts, and I still want, more than anything, to have him back, but I know I can’t keep living, waiting for it to happen.” I paused, waiting for my brain to process what Aberto had said. “What happens when that love fades into the recesses of my mind, when the thoughts most prominent must be of the fight and defeating the darkness?”

  “I will remind you that you are loved,” Aberto replied simply. “Now, get some rest, tomorrow we will begin making you whole once more.”

  “Aberto,” I paused for a moment, unsure of what to do, before wrapping my arms around his waist. I pulled myself closer to him so the bit of his soul within me hummed contentedly, once more united to form a whole. “Thank you for this.”

  Aberto seemed taken aback by the contact, but slowly, he wrapped his arms around me. I was folded into him as his voice rumbled in his chest against my ear, “You will never have to be alone again. Never.”

  Slowly, I disentangled myself, stepping back to peer up into his face. The memory of the first time I saw him skirted through my mind. Not the memories I’d lost, but the night he tattooed a protection symbol on my back. His face, so inhumanly gorgeous, remained the same. Only somehow, now, it was different. His eyes shone down, silently assessing me.

  “You need rest.” His jaw clenched as he broke eye contact, breaking the spell that held me in place.

  “You’re right. I’ll see you tomorrow?” Anxiety tinged my voice, causing it to shake.

  “I will return.” And like that, he was gone.

  Staring up into the sky once more, I was amazed at the brilliance of the stars shining above. I didn’t want to go inside the house to be alone, I wanted to remain under the gleaming night sky, but sleep beckoned me.

  Reluctantly, I made my way into the house and toward the bed.