My Heart Goes Bang

by Keris Stainton

  ‘I can show you?’ he said.

  ‘Oh!’ Ella said, shaking her head. ‘No. Thanks. I’m sure I’ll be able to find it. But thanks.’

  She did head for the steps then. She was halfway up the stairs when the boy said, ‘Give me a shout if you struggle though. Don’t want you to get dizzy.’ He started turning in a circle, grinning at her as he did.

  ‘Oh my god,’ Ella said and almost ran up the rest of the steps.

  Lou thought she’d managed to get to the end of the first day without seeing Kyle. But there he was, waiting at the traffic lights. She’d been planning to walk through the park, since it was a bright, warm day, but no way was she doing that now. Instead she set off down Mount Pleasant, hoping Kyle hadn’t noticed her. No such luck.

  ‘Hey, Lou.’

  She blew out a sigh and stopped walking, letting Kyle walk around in front of her.

  ‘What?’ she said.

  He looked better than he had the last time she’d seen him. His hair was shorter, even if it did look a little like he’d cut it himself, and he was clean-shaven. She thought back to the beard burn she used to have after every time they’d been together last year. She didn’t miss it. Much.

  ‘Good summer?’ he asked.

  Lou wanted to tell him to fuck off. She thought she’d made it clear to him at the end of last term that she wasn’t interested, but apparently she hadn’t been clear enough.

  ‘Yeah, thanks,’ she said.

  ‘Where are you headed?’

  She was headed home, but she didn’t want to tell him that. She didn’t want him offering to walk back with her or suggesting they go for a drink. She just wanted him to go wherever he’d been going before he’d spotted her.

  ‘I’m meeting Ella, actually.’ She took her phone out of her pocket and glanced at it without really seeing it. ‘I’d better go. I’m already late.’

  ‘I’ll walk you over,’ he said.

  ‘No. Don’t.’ She sucked in a breath. ‘I thought I made it pretty clear last year –’

  Kyle shook his head, giving her that crinkly-eyed smile that had won her over in the first place.

  ‘Oh fuck off, Lou. We both know you’re going to come back to mine, so why are you –’

  ‘I’m not,’ Lou said. ‘I told you. I’m not interested. I don’t even know why you’d want to when you know that I don’t –’

  Kyle took a step closer, his face too close. Lou resisted the urge to push him away. She stepped back a little.

  ‘You loved it last year. How many lectures did you miss cos you were sucking my dick?’

  Lou shook her head. ‘Yeah, exactly. Too many. I told you. I’m not interested. It’s over. Please don’t talk to me again.’

  ‘Right,’ Kyle said. ‘We’ll see.’

  ‘What’s that supposed to mean?’ Lou said. ‘Actually, never mind. I need to go. Don’t follow me.’

  ‘I’m not going to fucking follow you, you stupid cow,’ Kyle said, turning back to the traffic lights, as he pulled his own phone out of his pocket. ‘Fuck’s sake.’

  Lou nodded. Right. Her legs were trembling, but she made herself put one foot in front of the other until she was far enough away that she could properly catch her breath again.

  She was halfway home when she spotted Paige up ahead. At least, she thought it was Paige. She was wearing the teal leather jacket Paige had had on when she first turned up at the house. She called out her name.

  ‘Hey!’ Paige said, as soon as she spotted Lou. ‘Were you in that last lecture? The Female Gothic?’

  ‘I was, yeah,’ Lou said. ‘I didn’t see you.’

  ‘Last in, first out,’ Paige said. ‘I’ve got work.’

  ‘Now?’ Lou asked.

  ‘Yup. No rest for the … you know.’

  Lou smiled. ‘Where do you work?’

  ‘The White Rose?’ Paige said. ‘Pub. On the corner on the main road.’

  ‘Next to the chippy?’ Lou said. ‘Is it an old man’s pub?’

  ‘It’s a bit of a boozer, yeah,’ Paige said. ‘But we do get students in. It’s got a good atmosphere, you should come in.’

  Lou must’ve pulled a face, even though she hadn’t intended to, because Paige laughed.

  ‘I mean it. And the drinks are dead cheap. And you can bring the chips in from next door too.’

  ‘You’re really selling it now,’ Lou said.

  ‘I know, right? But it’s good. You should come in. For real.’

  They walked on a bit in silence and then Paige said, ‘Thanks for knocking this morning.’

  ‘Oh, no probs.’

  ‘My alarm didn’t go off. My phone’s fucked.’

  ‘Were you late?’

  ‘Yeah. Well, I mean, I skipped the lecture. I’ll catch up.’

  ‘What was it? I might have had the same one.’

  They waited at the lights by the cathedral while a tour bus went past.

  ‘I don’t think so,’ Paige said. ‘I’m doing English and Cultural Studies, and it was a Cultural Studies lecture this morning. You’re just doing Lit, yeah?’

  ‘I am, yeah,’ Lou said. ‘Hopefully you didn’t miss much.’

  Paige shrugged. ‘I’ll catch up.’

  They crossed the road and walked down Hope Street, past the Everyman.

  ‘You should come and have a drink now,’ Paige said. ‘You look like you’ve had a rough day.’

  Lou laughed. ‘Is it that obvious? Wait. Is it the hat?’

  Chapter 5

  Paige felt much more at home in the bar than she did at uni. At uni she constantly felt like she was bracing herself against something, but she didn’t even know what. She was waiting for someone to catch her out, to tell her she shouldn’t be there, she never should have been there, it was all an administrative error. Or maybe for her dad to turn up and drag her home. She still had nightmares about that sometimes, even though she knew he didn’t care enough to even look for her, never mind take her back home. It was a relief. But also not.

  But as soon as she walked into the pub, she felt like she could breathe, as clichéd as she knew that was. She’d felt like that from the first time she’d stepped inside it last year, when she’d seen the scrap of paper with ‘Help wanted’ written on it stuck to the inside of the window with Sellotape. She hadn’t thought about working in a pub, and had been leaving her feeble CV at coffee shops and fast-food places, but the pub had turned out to be perfect.

  Jonny behind the bar was always pleased to see her, but not too much. He said hi, asked her about her day, but then expected her to just get on with working, which she was happy to do. And he always tried to squeeze extra shifts in for her when she was desperate.

  Paige loved the regulars – Alan and Donnie, who’d had a pint, just the one pint, every night after work and had been doing so for years. They showed Paige photos of their grandchildren, their new cars, their frequently redecorated kitchens. And they always offered to buy her a drink, but were never sleazy about it (and she never accepted). Jean, who lived alone with her dog, had a missing front tooth and drawn-on eyebrows, and, Paige guessed, was horribly lonely. Paige suspected she may be the only person Jean ever spoke to. It made her heart hurt.

  Billy, who was loud and Scottish and asked Paige out every single time he saw her, but was always funny and charming about it. And Paige wondered what it would be like. She thought he’d probably be pretty good – enthusiastic, not too serious, and he had nice hands – but she wasn’t going to risk it, not with someone who came in the pub. It was her safe space and there was no room for sex in the safe space.

  Right now it was pretty quiet, the lull between lunch and the end of the work day. Apart from Lou, who was sitting on a stool at the bar, alternating between talking to Paige and fiddling with her phone. Lou was the one Paige had been the most nervous about getting to know – she just seemed so cool. And while she was cool – effortlessly so, apparently – she was also warm and funny.

  Paige was wiping the cou
nter down, lifting the soaking wet bar towels and polishing the beer taps, when she saw Issey and Liane standing in the doorway, Issey’s eyes wide, Liane looking bored and slightly disgusted.

  ‘I WhatsApped them,’ Lou told Paige. ‘That’s OK, right?’

  ‘That’s fine, yeah,’ Paige said.

  Issey spotted the two of them and her face lit up. Paige was grinning back at her before she even realised. There was something about Issey’s enthusiasm and naivety that completely charmed Paige, ridiculously. If someone had described Issey to her, she’d have stuck her finger in her mouth and pretended to gag herself, but in person Issey was just kind of sweet.

  ‘Hey!’ Issey said, clambering up on the bar stool next to Lou, directly in front of Paige. ‘So this is where you work!’

  ‘Yup,’ Paige said, dropping the cloth under the counter and wiping her hands on a tea-towel. ‘This is where the magic happens.’

  ‘How was your first day?’ Liane asked Lou, who held up one finger and carried on texting, a little frown line between her eyebrows.

  ‘You look good behind the bar,’ Issey said, leaning back a little and narrowing her eyes at Paige. ‘It suits you.’

  ‘Buxom wench,’ Paige said. ‘Yeah, I’ve heard.’

  Issey actually blushed, her eyes flickering down to Paige’s boobs and then back to her face again. Paige laughed. This happened sometimes when someone found her Instagram – they started superimposing the semi-naked pictures over her real, fully dressed self.

  ‘What are you drinking?’ Paige asked. ‘First one’s on me.’

  Issey and Liane both got beers. Liane hadn’t sat down; she was still standing, next to Issey, half leaning against her.

  ‘Is Ella coming?’ Paige asked Lou, after she’d taken someone else’s order. She pulled open a bag of crisps and put it on the bar in front of Issey and Liane.

  ‘I love you,’ Issey said, immediately shoving crisps into her mouth. ‘M’starving.’

  ‘She’s on her way,’ Lou said, putting her phone down on the bar then picking it up again to make sure it hadn’t been in a puddle.

  ‘I like this place,’ Issey said. ‘It’s cosy.’

  ‘That’s why I like it,’ Paige said. ‘Let me see if the snug’s free.’

  She walked to the end of the bar and round a corner and then came back and gestured at Issey, who hopped off the stool, steadying herself on Liane’s arm, and walked to the end of the bar.

  ‘Open the door,’ Paige told her. ‘And then the next door on the left.’

  Issey followed Paige’s instructions, Liane behind her, and they found themselves in a tiny separate room with its own access to the bar. Where Paige was standing, grinning at them.

  ‘Oh my god,’ Issey said, turning in a circle. ‘This is perfect! Can we keep it permanently reserved? Like the sofa in Friends?

  Paige laughed. ‘I don’t think so. But it’s actually almost always empty, except when we’re really busy. No TV in here.’

  Issey sat on the sofa under the window, dipping her head under the net curtain to look outside.

  ‘Can we get rid of this?’ she asked Paige.

  ‘Bloody hell, Iz,’ Liane said. ‘You can’t redecorate.’

  ‘We can, actually,’ Paige said. ‘I don’t even know why that’s there – the window’s half frosted anyway.’

  Issey kicked her shoes off under the table and stood up on the chair, looking out of the top half of the window. ‘This is much better. Ooh! There’s Ella!’ She knocked on the window, while Liane opened the door to the snug and went out to find Ella and guide her in.

  ‘Can we have our own bell?’ Issey said, sitting back down. ‘On the bar here. So we can call you when we need you.’

  ‘Don’t push your luck,’ Paige said, but she was still smiling. She’d thought it would be nice to have the girls here while she worked, but she hadn’t actually realised it would feel this nice. She shook her head at herself – she was turning into a sap.

  Chapter 6

  They barely saw each other for the rest of the first week back, and by the weekend they were all more than ready to wind down and get completely hammered. Together. Everyone gradually drifted out onto the terrace as they made it home from uni, bringing drinks, snacks, blankets, cushions and, in Ella’s case, one of her textbooks that she knew, in her heart, she wasn’t actually going to look at.

  By eleven, it was cool and dark, and they were all various stages of drunk.

  ‘Shit!’ Ella said as she knocked over her drink. She sat up, looking around for something to mop it up with.

  She was just reaching for one of the blankets when Paige said, ‘Here!’ and pulled a magazine out from where it had been stuck under one of the table legs.

  ‘Hey!’ Lou said, grabbing her own drink. ‘I was leaning on that.’ She tipped her head back and blew her smoke up into the dark sky.

  Ella dabbed at the pool of beer with the magazine. ‘This is useless. I’m going to go and get some kitchen roll.’

  She stood up and staggered a little, banging into the table with her hip.

  ‘Hey!’ Lou said again, picking up her own bottle. ‘Respect the booze!’

  ‘Listen to this,’ Issey said from the floor, her face right next to Ella’s spilled beer. ‘There’s an article called “The Fuck It List”.’

  ‘God, what magazine is it?’ Liane asked.

  Issey squinted at it. ‘Can’t tell. It’s all wet.’

  ‘I’ll read it,’ Paige said, reaching out and taking it from Issey. ‘And then I need to take my contacts out. My eyes are burning.’

  Ella came back through and mopped up the beer before flopping down on the floor again.

  ‘Jesus, listen to this,’ Paige said. ‘“There are some men every woman should sleep with, even if she knows she shouldn’t. Often the sexual encounters you know you shouldn’t have had are the ones that linger in your memory. The hottest. The weirdest. The ones you wouldn’t tell your mother about.”’ Paige looked up at the others. ‘Do people generally tell their mothers about their sexual encounters?’

  ‘Ella probably would,’ Lou said. ‘If she ever had any.’

  Ella hit her with a cushion.

  Paige looked back at the magazine. ‘Yadda yadda … sex with people you shouldn’t have sex with is hot, you get the drift. And then there’s a list. Of people you should have sex with before you get married. Because, you know, everyone has to get married.’ She rolled her eyes.

  Issey crawled out of her duvet, tenting it over her head. ‘Here for the list.’

  ‘OK,’ Paige said. ‘But I’m warning you, this looks like total bullshit. Number one: sleep with a man with a tattoo.’

  ‘We’ve all shagged someone with a tattoo, surely?’ Lou said.

  ‘I haven’t,’ Ella said.

  ‘Of course you haven’t,’ Lou said, kissing the top of Ella’s head.

  ‘I have,’ Issey said. ‘Actually, I don’t think I’ve had sex with anyone who didn’t have a tattoo.’

  ‘Same,’ Liane said without opening her eyes.

  ‘Gavin had a tattoo?’ Issey said.

  ‘Shit one,’ Liane said. ‘Yin yang thing on his arm.’

  ‘God,’ Issey said.

  ‘“Sleep with a waiter”,’ Paige read. ‘“Sleep with a Greek waiter”.’

  ‘It is weird that she feels the need to specify,’ Issey said. ‘If you do the Greek waiter first does it count for both?’

  ‘“Sleep with someone off a reality show”,’ Paige continued. ‘“Sleep with a man who once went to jail”.’

  ‘I think I prefer the crim to, like, someone off TOWIE,’ Lou said.

  ‘“Sleep with a cab driver”.’

  ‘I don’t understand what’s wrong with these people,’ Issey said. ‘What magazine was this in?’ She reached for the page, squinted at it, turned it over, and then, finding no info, handed it back.

  ‘Nothing’s wrong with them,’ Lou said. ‘They’re just blokes to shag.’


  ‘But it does sort of read like a list of people your parents are meant to disapprove of,’ Paige said.

  ‘Oh well, I’ve never worried about them when choosing someone to shag,’ Lou said. ‘Ella?’

  ‘Piss off,’ Ella said, mildly.

  ‘But I mean my parents wouldn’t disapprove of any of them,’ Issey said. ‘My dad’s a cab driver and he’s got a tattoo.’

  ‘Ooh!’ Lou said, leaning forward to look at Issey. ‘Can I shag him? Tick two off.’

  ‘Fuck. Off.’

  ‘So what do you want on the list?’ Lou asked Issey. ‘Like, an MP? A public schoolboy?’

  ‘Ugh god, no,’ Issey said. ‘What about someone who doesn’t speak English?’

  ‘Fantasy of yours?’ Paige asked her.

  ‘Maybe,’ Issey said, straightening up and grinning. ‘Don’t you think it would be hot, though? Like, it would all be physical.’

  ‘There’s more on this list,’ Paige said, wafting the paper in the air. ‘“With another girl, with a friend’s brother, with someone in a band”.’

  ‘That’s more like it,’ Lou said.

  ‘Which one?’ Issey asked.

  ‘Any of them.’

  ‘You haven’t had sex with a girl,’ Liane said, turning to look at Lou. ‘Have you?’

  Lou shrugged. ‘Not yet. I’m just saying I’m not ruling it out. I’ve done the other two though.’

  ‘I’ve done the brother,’ Issey said.

  ‘And I’ve done the band,’ Paige added.

  ‘Oh my god,’ Ella said, reaching for the tequila again. ‘I haven’t lived.’

  ‘Well, here’s your guide,’ Lou said, taking the article off Paige. ‘Laminate this. Tick them off with a Sharpie. No relationships, all casual sex. Plenty of time to “focus on your studies”,’ she said, doing air quotes. ‘“Have sex with your teacher or boss”,’ Lou read. ‘See? Perfect for uni.’

  ‘God,’ Ella said. ‘Don’t get this tequila again, it’s rough as.’

  ‘It was eight quid,’ Lou said.

  ‘Is that the end of the list?’ Issey asked.