My Heart Goes Bang

by Keris Stainton

  ‘I know.’

  ‘But … why didn’t you just kiss her?’ Ella asked, picking up her own beer.

  ‘I … I mean, that would’ve made more sense, right? I just … I didn’t like her. I didn’t like her as a person. I didn’t find her attractive. I only agreed to go out with her cos my friends said I should. If I’d kissed her it would only have been to stop me looking bad in front of my friends and that just didn’t seem like a good enough reason to kiss someone. It’s a true story, I promise,’ he said, his face gentle now. ‘You can ask my mum.’

  Ella laughed again. ‘You told your mum?!’

  ‘One of her friends told her. The mum of one of the other kids. She tried to make out she was concerned, like “I hope your Nick’s feeling better”, but she just wanted to mock me. And then my mum and dad thought it was hilarious and they mocked me too.’

  ‘It sounds like a very upsetting experience,’ Ella said, trying not to laugh.

  ‘It was,’ Nick said, his face serious. ‘It really was.’ And then he grinned.

  They stared at each other and Ella felt the electricity thing happen again. It was as if it was running up her arms from her fingertips, lighting her skin up. She wanted to ask Nick if he could feel it too, but what if he said no? What if it was just her?

  ‘I kind of want to say let’s get out of here,’ Nick said, still staring. ‘But I’m starving.’

  Ella nodded. ‘Me too.’ She stared at their hands on the table and then said, ‘You can feel it too, right? The thing?’

  ‘Fuck yeah,’ Nick said. ‘I’ve been feeling it since you came in the bookshop.’

  ‘Oh my god,’ Ella said.

  ‘That wasn’t a line,’ Nick said. ‘Did you think that sounded like a line?’

  Ella shook her head. ‘I thought it sounded amazing.’

  Liane was dancing with a boy Issey thought might be Tom from her seminar. He was shorter than she’d expected him to be. And his hair was stupid. But Liane had hooked her hand around his wrist and was grinding up against him. He looked at Issey and smiled as if he expected her to join them.

  ‘Are you drunk?’ Issey asked her.

  Liane shrugged. ‘Tom had some stuff.’

  ‘What stuff?’ Issey looked at Tom, but he had his eyes closed and his face turned up to the lights as he danced.

  ‘Come and get some water,’ Issey said, tugging at Liane’s other hand.

  Liane frowned and then said, ‘Yeah. I’m thirsty, actually.’

  She pressed her mouth up to Tom’s ear and Issey watched him smile, but then Liane let Issey lead her across the dance floor to the bar.

  ‘It’s sweet that you worry about me,’ Liane said once they got there, dropping her head down on Issey’s shoulder.

  ‘You know I love you, right?’ she said, against Issey’s neck. She’d flopped almost entirely against her now, they were pressed together from chest to knee. Issey started to wriggle away, but Liane just made herself even heavier.

  Issey could feel sweat prickling the small of her back. She wanted to push Liane away and tell her not to be so dramatic, but she also wanted to keep her close, keep her safe.

  ‘Let’s go home,’ Issey said. ‘This is shit.’

  ‘I want another drink!’ Liane said, her lips sliding over the hollow under Issey’s ear. ‘And I said I’d go home with Tom.’ She squinted out onto the dance floor where he was already dancing with someone else. ‘Actually, fuck him.’

  ‘We’ve got stuff at home.’ Issey straightened up and Liane staggered back. ‘We can take our duvets out on the terrace and drink all of Lou’s tequila.’

  ‘That,’ Liane said, holding up one finger, ‘sounds like a plan.’

  Paige was in the kitchen making herself a coffee when she heard a door slam overhead, followed by heavy footsteps on the stairs.

  ‘What the fuck?’ she said, as a strange guy appeared in the doorway.

  ‘Your mate’s a fucking psycho,’ he spat.

  ‘You scared the shit out of me,’ Paige said. ‘Who even are you?’

  ‘Your mate. The one with the purple hair. She’s a fucking psycho.’

  ‘You’re the one acting like a psycho,’ Paige said. ‘Why are you even here, talking to me?’

  ‘She told me to get out.’

  ‘So get out,’ Paige said, taking a couple of steps closer to him.

  ‘Don’t tell me what to do, you fat bitch,’ the boy said.

  ‘Are you joking?’ Paige walked right up to him. She was only very slightly shorter than him, just a couple of inches. She was wearing her tartan pyjamas and flip-flops and he was fully dressed. Although now she was up close, she could see that he wasn’t wearing anything under his stupid hipster cardigan and it was buttoned up wrong.

  ‘If Lou told you to go, you need to go,’ Paige said. ‘Before I call the police. Or just open the front door and scream – the security over the road’s usually pretty quick. And very protective.’

  ‘You’re all fucking mental,’ the boy said, staring down at her. ‘She brought me back here. If she didn’t want to fuck –’

  ‘Clearly she didn’t,’ Paige said. ‘Or she’d have fucked you. So off you go.’ She pushed past him and opened the front door. ‘And don’t come back, eh?’

  ‘Fucking lezzers,’ he said as he left. Paige resisted the urge to kick him up the arse. But only because she was wearing flip-flops.

  Once he’d gone and Paige had locked the door and put the bolt on, she kicked off her flip-flops and ran up the stairs to Lou’s room. She knocked and Lou said, ‘Who is it?’

  ‘It’s Paige. He’s gone. You OK?’

  Lou pulled the door open. She looked pale and smaller than usual.

  ‘Did he hurt you?’ Paige asked.

  Lou shook her head. ‘Can you come in for a bit? Do you mind?’

  She took a couple of steps back until the bed hit the back of her legs. She sat down and scrabbled up towards the headboard. Paige sat cross-legged at the foot of the bed.

  ‘Who was he?’

  ‘I just met him tonight. It was stupid. I wasn’t going to bring him back, I was just going to dance. But then my ex was there. And he’s … I mean, he’s a dick. He’s been kind of … I don’t know, bothering me a bit. Sending messages and stuff. I keep telling him it’s over, but he doesn’t believe it’s over. So I thought if he saw me leave …’

  ‘Right,’ Paige said.

  ‘I mean, that’s not the only reason. That guy was cute. In the club. And hot. And I haven’t had sex for fucking months.’

  ‘Hey,’ Paige said. ‘No judgement.’

  ‘It was stupid.’

  ‘It wasn’t. It was the same thing people do literally every weekend. And certainly every Christmas party.’

  ‘You saw him, right? When he left?’

  ‘Yeah, he came down to the kitchen and yelled at me.’

  ‘Fuck, I’m sorry.’ Lou tipped her head back and rubbed her hands through her hair, before turning slightly to look at Paige. ‘You didn’t want to come to the party?’

  Paige shook her head. ‘Nah. Not a big Christmas fan, to be honest.’

  Lou snorted. ‘No. Me neither. Although it’s not as bad as New Year’s Eve. That’s the fucking worst.’

  Paige held up one hand and Lou high-fived her, smiling.

  ‘Have you been here the whole time?’ Lou asked her.

  ‘Nah. Had dinner with a sort of ex. And then she came over for a bit. She’s gone now. I was just getting a coffee when I met your friend.’

  ‘Coffee? Now?’

  ‘Got an essay to finish,’ Paige said. ‘But I can leave it if you want me to stay.’

  Lou shook her head. ‘Thanks, but I’m OK. Nothing even really happened. I don’t know why I … I mean, it was fine. He was a bit of a shit kisser, slobbering all over my face, and then he started taking his clothes off and I just … I couldn’t do it. I didn’t want to do it. So I told him and I apologised. And he –’

  ‘Didn’t take
it well,’ Paige finished. ‘He was a right prick.’

  ‘Yeah,’ Lou said. She rested her chin on her knees. ‘And I’m still horny.’

  Paige laughed. ‘I mean … I could help you out there, but it might make things awkward in the house.’

  Lou laughed, and looked better than she had since she’d opened the door to Paige.

  ‘You could help, actually. Have you got any AA batteries?’

  Chapter 21

  Ella held on to the belt loops of Nick’s jeans as he struggled to open his door.

  ‘Our door sticks too,’ Ella said, her cheek resting on the bit between his shoulder blades.

  ‘It doesn’t usually,’ Nick said. ‘I think … my hands are shaking.’

  Ella turned her face and pressed her forehead against his back. How could he just say that? How could he tell her that and not even be embarrassed?

  ‘I probably shouldn’t have said that,’ he said.

  ‘No,’ Ella said. ‘No, it was good. I’m glad you’re nervous too.’

  Nick laughed. ‘Shitting myself. Not literally. This time. Again.’

  Ella snorted, hiding her face against him again. ‘Do you want me to try?’

  ‘Shit, no,’ Nick said. His hands dropped down by his sides. ‘I feel like if I can’t even get a key in a door, you’re not going to want to have sex with me.’

  Ella laughed again. ‘Turn around.’

  ‘You think I can do it with my hands behind my back?’

  ‘Shut up. Turn round.’

  Nick turned around and looked down at her. His eyes were wide. They looked grey in the semi-darkness of the street.

  Ella tipped her head back, but he was so much taller than her.

  ‘Hang on,’ she said. ‘Swap places.’

  ‘I can open the door, El! Let me try again.’

  ‘Swap places,’ she said again, raising one eyebrow.

  Nick stepped down and Ella stepped up. She curled her hands into the front of his coat. It was soft. Warm. And then she tugged him towards her a little. And he finally got it. He was staring at her mouth. She stared back at his. Her heart was rabbiting in her chest and she could hear herself breathing quickly.

  ‘I don’t know why I feel like this,’ she said, raising one hand to brush her thumb over his cheekbone. ‘I hardly even know you.’

  ‘You know enough,’ he said, his voice low. ‘And don’t get ahead of yourself. We might be really bad at kissing. Each other.’

  Ella laughed. ‘I don’t think so.’

  ‘Come on then,’ he said. ‘Let’s see what you’ve got.’

  Ella grinned. ‘You’re annoying.’

  ‘I’ve been told.’

  She moved her hand over his cheek, stroking her thumb over his bottom lip. He shuffled closer on the step until his face was so close she couldn’t even bring it into focus. She closed her eyes. And touched her lips to his. Gently at first and then more firmly. She heard herself gasp. Wanted to pull him hard against her, have him press her back into the door. He turned his head, fitting their mouths together more neatly. She could feel his tongue running along the seam of her lips and she opened her mouth, still gasping. Her hand was on the back of his neck, even though she didn’t remember moving it there, and she could feel his hands on her waist, squeezing, his fingers pressing.

  ‘I need –’ Nick said, against her mouth. ‘I mean. We need to –’

  ‘Yeah,’ Ella breathed. ‘But –’

  Nick pulled away and for a second Ella followed him involuntarily, before leaning back again, tapping the back of her head gently against the door. Fuck.

  ‘I know,’ Nick said. ‘I’ll do the door. I’m confident this time.’

  Ella didn’t move. She wasn’t sure she could. She felt boneless, like if she lost the support of the door, she’d just slide down the steps into a puddle in the gutter.

  Nick reached past her, bracing himself against the door with one hand, the key in the other. He put it in the lock. And it turned.

  ‘Yesssss,’ he hissed under his breath.

  Ella leaned forward and kissed his jaw and he turned his head and pressed his lips to hers again, quickly.

  ‘You taste soy saucy,’ he said.

  ‘Oh my god,’ Ella said, blushing.

  ‘I should’ve saved that ’til I’d got you inside, right?’ he said as he pushed the door open. ‘Should I call you a cab?’

  ‘Shut up,’ Ella said. And followed him inside.

  Issey had one arm around Liane’s waist as she guided her out of the club. Some girls hanging out with the bouncers jeered at them, but they literally only had to cross the road to be home, so Issey couldn’t bring herself to care. Liane kept giggling and staggering and Issey had to keep tight hold of her. She felt warm and heavy and smelled of beer and coconut shampoo.

  ‘I’m so tired,’ Liane said.

  ‘Well, you can go to bed in about five minutes,’ Issey said.

  ‘Nah,’ Liane said. ‘Tequila!’

  Someone in the street shouted ‘TEQUILA!’ back at them and Issey laughed as she shut the door.

  ‘Shush,’ she said to Liane. ‘The others might be asleep.’

  ‘They’re probably still out,’ Liane said. ‘Just us two sad-arses home already.’

  The two of them bumbled up the stairs, giggling as Liane’s foot slipped and she grabbed Issey’s dress, pulling it down off her shoulder.

  ‘God,’ Issey said. ‘You’re wrecked.’

  ‘Tom brings the good shit,’ Liane said. ‘Shame his dick’s so sad.’

  ‘Sad?’ Issey said, turning Liane towards her room.

  Liane made some hand gesture Issey couldn’t interpret and then said, ‘No! The terrace! You promised.’

  ‘Fucksake,’ Issey said.

  She steered Liane outside and then went back in for cushions and blankets, fully expecting Liane to be asleep when she made it back out again. But instead she was sitting on the picnic table, trying to take a selfie.

  ‘S’too dark,’ Liane said.

  ‘That’s cos it’s the middle of the night,’ Issey said. She took Liane’s phone back inside and then curled up next to her on a beanbag.

  ‘I’ll miss you,’ Liane said. ‘Over Christmas.’

  Issey laughed. ‘You’ll be having too much fun.’

  ‘With my mum? You’ve got to be joking. I wish I could come home with you instead,’ Liane said. ‘I bet your family’s fun.’

  ‘They’re an absolute shambles,’ Issey said. She slid further down the beanbag and tipped her head back, looking up at the stars.

  ‘I’m glad we moved in here,’ Liane said.

  ‘Me too,’ Issey said.

  ‘I have good ideas.’

  ‘It was my idea!’ Issey yelped, turning, indignant, to look at Liane.

  She was right there. Not even inches away. Her eyes wide and bright. Issey’s breath caught in her chest. ‘You should go to bed. You’ll be fucked tomorrow.’

  ‘Nah,’ Liane said. She licked her lips and Issey heard herself gasp.

  Liane’s fingers skittered up Issey’s bare arm under the blanket and then her hand was tangling in the back of Issey’s hair. Issey shivered.

  ‘Are you cold?’ Liane said.

  Issey couldn’t speak. She shook her head.

  And Liane kissed her.

  Chapter 22

  ‘I don’t even know your surname,’ Nick said, and then ran his tongue over the shell of Ella’s ear.

  She shivered. ‘I thought you would have looked on the card. I was thinking that you would have looked on the card and then used it to find me and ask me out.’

  Nick shifted on the bed and kissed down the side of her neck.

  ‘I did ask you out.’

  Ella pulled her head back so she could look at him. ‘You did not!’

  He grinned. ‘I did! In the shop!’

  ‘I think I would’ve remembered.’ She let her head drop back on the pillow again.

  He kissed across her ches
t to her other collarbone. ‘I asked for your number.’

  ‘When?’

  He moved back again to dip his tongue into the hollow of her throat and she bucked up against him involuntarily.

  ‘Shit,’ she murmured. ‘Sorry.’

  ‘Don’t apologise,’ he said and she could hear the smile in his voice. ‘Do it again.’

  ‘God,’ she said.

  She pushed one hand into the back of his hair. It was so soft. Ridiculously soft. Softer than hers. She’d have to ask him what conditioner he used. She tightened her fingers and he groaned.

  ‘I like that,’ he said, kissing back up the other side of her neck.

  ‘Nick.’

  ‘What?’ He lifted up and looked down at her. He had really pretty eyes.

  ‘I’m not good at this,’ Ella said.

  ‘You’re doing pretty well so far,’ he said. ‘I’m all flustered.’

  She laughed. ‘You’re so weird.’

  He kissed her quickly on the mouth. ‘And you’re so fucking gorgeous I can’t believe I’m here with you. I’ve had a raging crush on you since you first came in the shop and did your turn. I’ve been thinking about this for so long that I’m half worried this is actually a dream and I’ll have to wake up and seduce you all over again.’

  Ella laughed. ‘You seduced me?’

  ‘Well … I’m not done yet. But I’m working on it.’ He kissed her quickly again. ‘How am I doing so far?’

  Something that felt like butterflies ran through Ella’s body and she gripped Nick’s arms to ground herself. ‘Pretty good.’

  ‘Good,’ he said, his face turning serious. And then he was kissing her again. He was an excellent kisser. Perfect pressure. Not too much tongue. And this was the problem. She was thinking about how he kissed her instead of just letting herself enjoy the kiss. She sighed into his mouth and he pulled back again.

  ‘I’m thinking too much,’ she said, before she could change her mind. ‘I was just wondering what conditioner you use. And now I’m thinking about how you kiss instead of just, you know, kissing you back.’

  Nick rolled off her and she grabbed at his arm again. ‘No. I’m sorry.’

  He reached for her hand and slid his fingers between hers. ‘What can I do? Do you want to talk for a bit? Do you want me to be so sexy you can’t resist me? Do you want me to lie here and let you have your wicked way?’