My Heart Goes Bang

by Keris Stainton

  Ella kissed his collarbone. ‘Did you win?’

  ‘Nah. Couldn’t really see the screen through my tears.’

  ‘Shut up.’ She leaned up and kissed his mouth.

  ‘I hated it,’ Nick said, against her lips. ‘Hated thinking you were with someone else. Hated thinking I wouldn’t get to be with you again. Do this.’ He ran his hands down her sides until she giggled.

  ‘I know,’ she said. ‘Me too. I’m sorry.’

  ‘Let’s never speak of it again!’ he said dramatically, rolling over so he was on top of her. He kissed down the side of her neck. ‘Can you stay?’

  ‘I probably shouldn’t,’ Ella said. ‘I’ve got an essay –’

  ‘I can help,’ Nick said, sliding down the bed until his head was resting on her shoulder. ‘I’m good at essays.’

  ‘You’re an English student.’

  ‘That’s what I’m saying!’

  ‘It’s a microbiology essay.’

  ‘God, I love having a genius girlfriend. I could help with spelling? Grammar? Paragraph indents?’

  Ella laughed, brushing her hand through his hair just because she could. ‘I think I’ve got that covered. But thanks.’

  ‘Talk it through with me then. Order your thoughts. But I’m warning you, it’s definitely going to get me hot.’

  ‘Noted,’ Ella said.

  Paige was in the kitchen pinching one of Issey’s Jaffa Cakes – Issey never noticed – when Liane came down.

  ‘Is there vodka?’ she said, yanking open the freezer, barely even glancing at Paige. ‘I need vodka. Want one?’

  ‘I’ve got coffee,’ Paige said. ‘Got an essay to finish.’

  ‘God,’ Liane said. ‘I don’t know how you do it.’

  Paige laughed. ‘Me neither, to be honest.’

  Liane poured herself a generous measure of vodka, topped it up with orange juice, and turned to look at Paige.

  ‘Do you ever feel like you’re losing your mind?’ she said. ‘Like you literally can’t trust your own thoughts?’

  Paige smiled wryly. ‘All the time.’

  ‘God. I don’t know what I’m doing,’ Liane said. She swigged the vodka. ‘I kissed Issey.’

  ‘Yeah?’ Paige said, sipping her coffee. ‘Cool.’

  Liane laughed. She didn’t know what she’d been expecting Paige to say, but ‘cool’ wasn’t it.

  ‘But then we haven’t talked about it or anything,’ Liane admitted. ‘I’ve just kind of been pretending it never happened.’

  ‘Why?’

  ‘Because …’ Liane frowned. ‘Because I don’t want anything to change. She’s my best friend and I love her. And I don’t want to lose her.’

  ‘What makes you think you’d lose her, though? Did she kiss you back?’

  ‘She … yeah.’ Liane hadn’t let herself think much about the kiss. It was too stressful. Too much. But Issey had definitely kissed her back.

  ‘It was a good kiss?’

  Liane nodded. It had definitely been a good kiss. She drank some more vodka.

  ‘So maybe it wouldn’t ruin everything? Maybe it would be amazing. The two of you together.’

  ‘Issey’s not gay, though,’ Liane said. She sounded stupid even to herself.

  Paige rolled her eyes. ‘She might be bi. She might be pan. She might just be gay for you.’

  Liane shook her head. ‘That’s not a thing.’

  ‘Why not? You kissed her. You liked it. She liked it. What’s the problem?’

  ‘I always wondered …’ Liane’s voice cracked. ‘Like … in the back of my mind. Not even in the back of my mind, actually. I would think of it and then –’

  ‘Not let yourself think of it,’ Paige finished. ‘Yeah, I’ve been there.’

  ‘And I like boys. Men. I like dick.’

  ‘Me too,’ Paige said and then grinned. ‘Sometimes. In its place.’

  Liane laughed, covering her face with both hands. ‘God, this is awful. I don’t know what I’m doing.’

  ‘You’ve never been with a girl before?’

  Liane shook her head. ‘No. I’ve had crushes, I think. Not that I ever thought of them as crushes. My friend Zack – he died – I thought I was in love with him. But I don’t know. I used to think about him and his girlfriend a lot. A lot. And now I wonder … And then I met this guy, Alfie. And I asked him out but he had a girlfriend and now I wonder if I even liked him or if I was just trying to distract myself. From Issey. Like, I told myself I liked Zack, but maybe it was actually his girlfriend. And then I told myself I liked Alfie, but –’

  ‘Maybe you did,’ Paige said. ‘Maybe you liked them both. Alfie and Zack. Maybe you actually liked Zack’s girlfriend. That’s OK. It’s all OK. You don’t have to beat yourself up about it.’

  Liane shook her head. ‘I know. I mean, I sort of know. But also maybe I just miss the feeling of being with someone properly, you know? The list is great – it’s been fun – and hook-ups are fine and everything, but that feeling of anticipation, you know? Butterflies and thinking about someone all the time and …’

  Issey. She had that with Issey.

  ‘God,’ she said, dropping her head down onto the table. ‘I am an idiot.’

  Paige rested her hand on the back of Liane’s neck. ‘You’re not an idiot. You’re just in love with your best friend.’

  Nick was snoring lightly next to her, but Ella couldn’t sleep. She texted with Dylan for a bit, but he was exhausted – the band had been in crisis meetings with their management and record company since he’d got back – so she had to let him go. She checked her bank account and noted that Paige still hadn’t transferred the money in. She needed to talk to her again, she knew, but it was so awkward. This was why she hadn’t wanted to be responsible for the bills in the first place. Particularly since she could tell that Paige was struggling, but every time she’d tried to say something, Paige apologised and said she was sorting it and would be able to pay soon.

  She scrolled through Tumblr for a while and then went to Instagram. It was so irritating now it wasn’t in chronological order. She was constantly wondering why someone was at Starbucks in the middle of the night before realising the photo had been taken hours or sometimes days earlier.

  She almost scrolled right past Issey’s photo – her eyes were already starting to lose focus and she thought she could probably fall asleep – but then she stopped and stared.

  ‘What the fuck?’ she muttered.

  ‘Hmm?’ Nick said in his sleep, shifting slightly towards Ella.

  Ella stared at the photo Issey had posted. It was of Ella and Dylan with Lou in the background. Lou was standing behind the sofa, leaning on it with both arms, her head hanging down, hair almost touching the cushions. Dylan was right on the edge of the photo, in profile, his fringe curling down over his eyes. He was grinning, the dimple popping in his cheek. Ella was grinning back at him, and she could actually see for once why people sometimes said they looked alike. People who knew they were siblings. So, people at home in Lancashire, not at university.

  It was a really good photo. Issey had put a filter on it that made Ella’s skin look smoother, her hair warmer. It was the kind of photo she’d have had as the lockscreen on her phone if she wasn’t at university. But she was. And now Issey had permanently linked her with Dylan. She was going to kill her.

  Chapter 38

  ‘I am going to kill you,’ Ella said, pushing Issey’s bedroom door open.

  She’d woken up with Nick and had breakfast with Nick and walked as far as she could with Nick until he had to go up the hill to work and Ella had to go down the hill to home. They’d stood on the corner kissing until Nick had realised he had five minutes to do a fifteen-minute journey and had run off, his black coat flying behind him.

  Issey was leaning back against her headboard, her laptop on her knees. Her curtains were still closed, but the window was obviously open – Ella could feel the breeze and the fabric was fluttering.

  ‘Seriou
sly, Iz! What the fuck?’

  Issey rubbed one hand over her face.

  ‘Are you crying?’ Ella said, frowning.

  ‘No,’ Issey said, rubbing her face again. ‘Just tired. Couldn’t sleep last night.’

  ‘Guilty conscience?’ Ella knocked the end of Issey’s bed with her knees.

  ‘I’m really sorry, El,’ Issey said. ‘I didn’t think.’

  Ella shook her head. ‘I don’t believe you. I love you, you know I do. But this is classic Issey. Act first and think later. I just … I’ve spent almost two years hiding this and you just casually fuck it all up.’

  ‘Is it that big a deal though?’ Issey said, leaning forward on the bed. ‘I mean … why does it matter if people know?’

  ‘That’s not up to you though, is it? I mean, that’s not your decision to make. And you know that. So it wasn’t OK for you to, like, out me.’

  ‘Oh, come on!’ Issey said, dropping back against the pillows again and throwing her hands up. ‘Don’t be so dramatic. It’s nothing like being outed. I mean –’ Her voice cracked.

  ‘I don’t mean outed like that,’ Ella said. ‘Of course it’s not like being outed like that. But you knew I didn’t want people to know. And you told them anyway.’

  Issey had both hands over her face and she rubbed them back through her hair. ‘Yeah,’ she breathed. ‘Yeah. You’re right. I’m sorry. I just … I got overexcited. I didn’t think about how it would affect you. You know I’m a big fan. And I’ve posted stuff about him on there before. So I just, like, couldn’t resist. I’m sorry.’

  ‘Thank you,’ Ella said. ‘Are you OK?’

  Issey shook her head. ‘Not really. There’s some stuff I need to sort out, deal with, I dunno. Doesn’t matter now. Do you forgive me?’

  Ella blew out a breath. ‘You’re not the only one who’s got shit going on, you know? I’ve got house stuff to deal with, I have to pay all the bills, the kitchen’s always a shit tip, Dylan turned up and then Nick. There’s just … The world doesn’t revolve around you.’

  ‘I know,’ Issey said.

  ‘And what’s going on with you and Li? You’re both being weird.’

  ‘Yeah. I don’t know. It’s all got a bit fucked up and I don’t know –’

  Ella’s phone rang.

  ‘Sorry,’ she said. ‘It’s my mum. I’d better get it.’

  ‘Course,’ Issey said.

  ‘Hey,’ Ella said into her phone. ‘How’s things?’

  Issey tapped open her Instagram and stared at the photo of Dylan. She should delete it. But Ella hadn’t asked her to, so …

  ‘Oh,’ Ella said, next to her. ‘Oh no.’

  ‘What’s happened?’ Issey said.

  Ella’s shoulders were shaking. ‘Oh no,’ she said again. ‘Mum.’

  Issey draped herself over Ella’s back and squeezed her with both arms.

  ‘You don’t need to come,’ Ella told Lou, who was trying to make her sit down and drink the tea she’d made her. ‘I’ll be fine. It’s only, like, just over an hour on the train.’

  ‘Do you actively not want me to come?’ Lou asked, taking Ella’s favourite hoodie out of the drawer and dropping it next to the weekend bag Ella was stuffing with anything she could get her hands on. ‘Or are you worried about inconveniencing me or whatever?’

  ‘We’ve got exams. And you’ve got work. And uni. And counselling. When are you seeing the Dean?’

  ‘Never fucking mind that,’ Lou said. ‘It doesn’t matter now. Do you want me to come?’

  Ella shook her head and then pushed her hair back with one shaking hand. ‘I don’t want to go home on my own. But I know I’ll be fine when I get there. I mean, I think I will. God.’ She sat down heavily on the bed. ‘You should’ve heard her. My mum. She could hardly speak.’

  ‘I’ll come,’ Lou said, sitting down next to her and curling an arm around Ella’s shoulders. ‘I’ll come, don’t worry.’

  Ella snuffled against Lou’s shoulder. ‘You know what my first thought was? Once I realised what she was telling me? It was “I need to get away”. Who the fuck does that? Like, I should’ve wanted to go straight to her. To …’ Ella swallowed. She hadn’t been able to say Arthur’s name yet. She’d tried to tell Issey, but had only managed ‘my step—’ before she’d been crying too much to speak.

  ‘You’re too hard on yourself,’ Lou said. ‘I think it’s completely understandable to want to run away. This shit is hard! You think I didn’t want to run away from the Kyle situation? I thought about a new identity and everything. And what you’re going through is so much worse. I can’t even imagine.’

  Ella sniffed. ‘I bet Dylan didn’t want to run away.’

  ‘Well, Dylan is an actual angel,’ Lou said, kissing the top of Ella’s head. ‘Also, he already ran away once. And he ran towards you.’

  ‘Yeah,’ Ella said. ‘I love him.’

  ‘We all love him,’ Lou said.

  Ella laughed, snottily. ‘God. He’s going to be heartbroken.’

  Lou squeezed her friend. ‘And you’ll take care of each other. And you’ll both take care of your mum. And I can hide out in your room or make tea or endless toast or get you all hammered, dye your hair, whatever you want.’

  ‘I don’t think you should dye anyone’s hair.’

  ‘OK,’ Lou said, kissing her again. ‘Will you be OK if I go and pack a bag?’

  Ella nodded. ‘Maybe … can you ask Issey or Liane to come in?’

  They both went in and sat either side of Ella while she cried and tried to think what she needed to take with her.

  ‘I can’t find my laptop,’ she said.

  ‘I think Paige might have it,’ Liane said. ‘I can go and ask –’

  ‘No,’ Ella said. ‘It’s OK. Is she at work?’

  ‘She’s always at work,’ Issey said.

  ‘I know.’ Ella stood up and started zipping the various pockets on her weekend bag. ‘I was going to talk to her about it. I’m worried about her.’

  She stopped zipping and let her head hang down, a tear dropping off the end of her nose.

  ‘Oh, El,’ Liane said, sliding her arms around Ella’s waist. Issey cuddled her from the other side.

  ‘All packed!’ Lou said, walking in. She dropped her bag and draped herself over the other three girls.

  ‘Let us know when the funeral is,’ Liane said, kissing Ella’s temple.

  ‘You don’t have to come,’ Ella said.

  ‘Of course we’re coming,’ Issey said into Ella’s hair.

  Chapter 39

  ‘I’m glad it’s raining,’ Ella said.

  The five of them were standing outside the church, underneath a shelter. Water ran off the corners and splashed onto the ground at their feet. Ella’s legs were already soaked to the knee, from walking from the car to the church in the first place.

  ‘It would’ve been weird if it had been sunny,’ she continued. ‘This way it feels like the sky’s crying too. Fuck.’ She clamped a hand over her mouth, glancing back over her shoulder at the church. ‘Sorry. That was such a ridiculous thing to say.’

  ‘It’s OK,’ Lou said. ‘We’re going to get struck down now anyway. Who says “fuck” in a church?’

  Ella snorted. ‘God. I think I’m hysterical.’

  Her mum and Dylan were inside saying bye and thank you to everyone, but Ella had had to escape. She kept wanting to laugh. It was awful.

  ‘Have you got cigs?’ she asked Lou.

  ‘Wow, we’re really rebelling today, aren’t we? What’s next? Want me to find a young vicar for you to ravish?’

  ‘I can ravish Nick later,’ Ella said, her shoulders instantly relaxing at the thought of him.

  ‘He texted me,’ Lou said. ‘I’d show you but I don’t want to drown my phone. He said to look after you. He’s gutted not to be here.’

  ‘I know,’ Ella said. ‘But he’s going to be here later. And you’re all here now.’

  Issey leaned against her and Ella looked
past her at Liane and Paige.

  ‘I’ve thanked you for coming, right?’

  ‘About a hundred times,’ Paige said, half smiling.

  ‘Sorry. It does make it easier, having you here.’

  ‘Of course we’d be here,’ Liane said. ‘Where else would we be?’

  Ella laughed and it turned into a sob.

  ‘I keep remembering things to tell him. Like about today. That it was raining. That Alan from the pub came but Phil from golf didn’t. And every single time I have to remember that I won’t be able to. When’s it going to stop happening?’

  ‘It’ll happen for a while, I think,’ Lou said.

  ‘Have you got cigs?’ Ella asked again.

  ‘Seriously?’

  ‘Unless you’ve got, like, a hip flask.’

  ‘I have not got a hip flask,’ Lou said, taking out a pack of Marlboro and a lighter. ‘Want to go somewhere else?’

  ‘Nah. I’m an adult. Allegedly. And if my mum comes out I’ll say you made me do it.’

  ‘Can you believe how long we were in there for?’ Dylan said, coming outside and standing directly in front of Ella.

  His cheeks were flushed, eyes bright. He reached out and took the cigarette out of Ella’s hand and put it between his lips.

  ‘I started to think they were going round the back and coming through again!’ he said around the cig.

  ‘Like a clown car,’ Paige said.

  Dylan barked out a laugh. ‘Exactly that, yeah.’

  ‘Are you OK?’ Ella asked him.

  ‘Fuck no,’ he said, and then glanced over at the door of the church just as Ella had. ‘I feel awful. But, you know, we get to go and get drunk now.’

  ‘How’s Mum?’ Ella asked. She felt terrible for abandoning her, but she was so sad that Ella felt overwhelmed with it. She had to keep running away from her.

  ‘That woman,’ Dylan said, pointing over his shoulder with his thumb. ‘Big hat?’

  The girls nodded.

  ‘She said, “So you’re the popstar” and then when I said yes, she said, “It doesn’t mean anything, you know? And I hope you’re investing wisely.”’

  ‘What?’ Ella said. She had an irrational urge to go and push the woman into a puddle. Even though she looked about ninety.