Samantha swallowed and put a hand on Mum’s shoulder. ‘Mum . . . are you okay?’
Mum nodded, silently. She pulled the fist away from her mouth and sucked in a halting breath. Then once more the fist was over her mouth and the sound was contained again. ‘I’m okay.
I’m okay,’ she said. She took in a breath and nodded at Samantha. ‘It’s . . . your painting . . . it’s beautiful,’ she whispered.
Samantha gasped in surprise. In a rush, colour filled her face and her bottom lip quivered.
‘No.’ Mum cleared her throat and breathed in again, getting herself under control. ‘I don’t mean beautiful. It’s . . .’ She gestured with her hand and then held it to her chest. ‘It’s powerful, Sam. I wasn’t ready for the way it affected me . . . . it’s so . . .’ She shook her head as words failed her.
Samantha’s face crumpled. With a sob, she flung her arms around Mum.
It wasn’t until then that I realised my eyes were brimming too, for Mum who felt she had to be so Terminator-strong, but even more for Samantha. I knew exactly how she was feeling. Even back when I was only six years old and I won my first trophy, I had known. Whatever it took, I wanted Mum to be proud of me. That was all Sam wanted too.
When they pulled out of the hug, Mum kept one arm around Samantha’s shoulders. She was a beaming, blubbering mess. Mum smiled at me with a blotchy red-eyed wink and slipped her other arm behind me. It made me feel warm and safe and secure – more so than I’d felt for a long time.
My life wasn’t a straight, shiny path anymore. It was more like a sticky web, connecting to the people around me – Mum, Samantha, Rene, Pip, Monique, and even Marco and Levi. They were the people who made me who I was – daughter, sister, rival, friend – and a million other things in between. And standing with Mum’s arm around me like that, looking at Samantha’s storm, I even started feeling okay about my hypermobile body. I wasn’t angry with it anymore. If it hadn’t let me down at the start of the year, I might never have felt what it’s like to land soft in a safety-net of people. I might never have realised how much I need them all – how much we need each other.
CHAPTER 16
Near the end of Samantha’s opening, my phone beeped. ‘???’ from Rene.
I called her straight back.
‘Hey! How . . . the exhibition?’ she asked. There was a bit of reception break-up. In the clear bits, I could hear a distant murmuring from the crowd at the swim centre.
‘Great! It’s been really good,’ I said, my eyes on Samantha and Mum at other side of the room talking to a bunch of funky art folk. ‘How’s it been going with you?’
‘Full on!’ yelled Rene. ‘Really serious. I didn’t know how many heats they’d have to swim.’ She paused but I stayed quiet, hoping she’d just keep going. ‘Marco made the backstroke final, but he didn’t get a placing.’
‘Well, that’s still pretty good though,’ I said. Not that Marco would be satisfied with just doing his best. ‘And . . .’ I started, but Rene was already talking.
‘And they’re both in the freestyle relay final. It’s at . . . ah . . . ten past three I think.’
For about two seconds, I managed to avoid looking at my watch. Three seconds later, I couldn’t help myself. It was a few minutes before two. Through the phone I could hear a blurry echo of some kind of announcement followed by a cheer.
‘Sorry, Jade, I’ve got to go,’ said Rene. ‘Call me later, okay?’
‘Okay, bye,’ I said quietly.
As soon as I switched off, Mum and Samantha walked over as if they’d been waiting for me to finish talking. Somehow, Mum’s skin looked softer now that all her make-up had been cried away.
‘Sorry about that,’ I said as I slipped my mobile into my pocket. I rubbed my hands together. ‘So . . . are we set for that coffee?’
‘Well, I’m heading back to work,’ Mum said. ‘Do you two want a lift anywhere?’
I glanced at Samantha. ‘Anywhere you want, sis. My treat.’
Samantha was smiling at me softly, head tilted. ‘You know . . . we can always go out for coffee another day . . . if there’s somewhere else you need to be.’
I shrugged. ‘I told you – I’m not swimming, so . . .’
‘Yes, but . . . it’s not just about swimming, is it, Jade?’ Samantha’s eyes slid to Mum and back to me, smiling. ‘None of this has been about swimming really, has it?’
I didn’t know what to say to that. When I looked at Mum she was smiling as if I’d asked to bring a guy round for dinner. I gulped. ‘What, am I that obvious?’
The both started laughing. ‘Jade, you’re about as subtle as a sledgehammer,’ grinned Samantha. ‘Of course it’s obvious!’
I grinned back, then nodded at Mum. ‘Thanks. A lift would be good.’
The state swim centre was amazing – stands so steep and stretching so high that my mouth dropped open when I saw them. They made the pool seem like a rectangular shrine, a focal point to worship our teenage athletes.
‘Rebecca Sands, Jonica Rotterdam . . .’ An announcer was calling names for the next race in a way that made my heart speed up. Not for me, but for Levi.
As I made my way slowly up the steps, scanning for familiar faces, I listened for names that I knew from school but didn’t hear any. No faces stood out from the crowd.
I pulled out my mobile.
‘Hey, babe!’ Rene’s voice was crackly and faint.
‘Hey, where are you sitting?’ I asked, scanning the stands opposite.
‘I’m at the swim centre still . . .’ came Rene’s voice.
A cheer rose up around me and I looked down at the pool to see butterfly racers splash in to touch the wall.
‘No, I mean, where are you sitting?’ I yelled above the crowd. ‘I’m at the swim centre too.’
‘Oh!’ Rene laughed. ‘I’m in the girls’ changerooms. One of the Year Sevens is having a crisis.’
‘What kind?’
‘Aw . . . nothing that a tampon can’t fix.’
I laughed. ‘Okay, I’ll come down.’
I made my way to a tunnel of steps leading away from the main pool area and into a back multi-purpose kind of area. It was empty but still somehow hushed, as if the walls were listening to the races.
I checked the signs, turned left, and headed past a series of mirrored rooms.
Beyond them was another arrow to the changing rooms. It was in front of a small alcove that looked like a meeting corner with a water fountain and bench seat along one side. A figure in a tracksuit leant against a notice board – hands on the wall, head down.
Something made me pause – that broad back, those thick shoulders . . . I knew that body well.
Biting my bottom lip, I checked my watch. It was a few minutes before three. Levi’s head would be full of determination and a million points to prove – everything that had brought him to this very moment. I didn’t want to distract him.
As I turned to keep walking, Levi lifted his head.
‘Jade?’ His voice had a breathless, questioning tone, as if he didn’t believe what he was seeing.
I turned back to him. ‘Yeah, sorry. I didn’t mean to bother you. Good luck in the final.’
‘Wait . . .’ Levi took a step out of the shadows towards me. ‘How are you?’ he asked.
It wasn’t until then that I sensed something about him, something I’d never seen in Levi before – his breathing was shallow, his shoulders were stiff. I’d seen this kind of breathlessness at so many millions of gym comps. Levi was deep in freak-out mode.
I started talking. ‘I’m okay, thanks, but I was totally out of it for two days. I’m just a bit useless now . . . you know – weak . . .’ And I kept going about absolutely nothing important, hoping that my rambling might take his mind off the race. ‘It’s been good for me in a way, being sick . . .’
I trailed off as Levi glanced towards the tunnel to the main pool area. He wiped his palms on his thighs. When he looked back at me, his eyes were wide and d
istant, as if he had no idea what I’d been saying.
My plan to help clearly wasn’t working. I sighed. It was awful seeing Levi like that when he was usually so confident and calm. I didn’t want to think about how much of this freak-out had started the day we raced.
‘You’re going to be okay, Levi,’ I said clearly.
His eyes narrowed and he shook his head. ‘I can hardly breathe . . .’
‘You guys must have swum great in the heats. Just making the final is amazing.’
Levi snorted. ‘Marco’s hell-bent on getting a placing.’ He breathed in, slightly deeper this time. ‘He’s driving me crazy . . . . I just . . . had to get away.’
Levi wiped his palms again then looked down at them and frowned.
‘You know . . .’ I said. ‘It doesn’t matter what Marco says. All that matters is how you feel.’ I patted my head. ‘You win or lose up here.’
Levi snorted again, impatiently this time. ‘Well I’m going crazy up here right now. So that’s pretty bloody bad wouldn’t you say?’
A cheer erupted in the main pool area. I stepped closer. ‘No, I know you’re freaking out, Levi, but that’s not what I mean.’ I glanced down at the floor, trying to find words clear enough to explain something I’d only just learnt myself. ‘Even the outcome . . . it’s all up here . . . whether you win or lose, I mean.’
Levi glanced towards the pool area.
I waited for him to look at me again. ‘What I mean is . . . it’s possible to come third – or even last – and feel like you’ve conquered the world.’ I paused again and looked into his eyes. When I spoke, my words came out slow and with purpose. ‘Or you could come first and end up hating the win because of what it did to the people close to you.’
Just faintly, a flicker of understanding passed over Levi’s eyes. For a few seconds, it held him with me.
‘Competitors for the boys under-seventeen freestyle relay final to the marshalling area.’ An announcement broke the focus between us.
Levi swallowed and tensed again.
‘Come on,’ I said. In silence I walked with him through another tunnel of stairs and to the marshalling area.
We stopped at a pair of sliding doors that was signed, ‘Competitors only.’
‘No matter what. You’ll be okay,’ I said.
Levi breathed in, breathed out deeper. Then he walked through the sliding doors.
It was the hardest race I’ve ever watched. Not because I cared who came first, but because I knew how much Levi had riding on this race – how desperately he needed to find himself in that pool.
As Levi and Marco and the other two swimmers marched out in a line, I squeezed my hands together, cramming them between my legs then pulling them out to sit on them. Rene sat still, back straight, eyes fixed on Marco. He was the strongest swimmer, and he’d be swimming last.
Even when the first swimmers shot off the blocks, Rene didn’t take her eyes off Marco. I grabbed her hands in both of mine, sharing the moment.
‘They’ll be okay,’ I said, feeling nervous.
Rene nodded.
When our second swimmer dived in, Levi stepped onto the block. As the third swimmer, his job was to hold position before Marco brought the race home. He seemed so far away. I kept my eyes on him, sending all the strength and focus I had down to him.
As the second swimmers swam in to touch, I counted one . . . two . . . three swimmers dive before Levi did.
Then he was pounding down the pool, a streak of determination. His turn was clean and speedy. Nailed it, Levi. And by the time he was swimming in to touch the wall, I counted only two swimmers dive ahead of Marco.
‘They’re third,’ I gasped, feeling bubbles of pride and relief rise up inside me.
By the time Marco touched, I was holding hands with Rene and screaming. ‘Second! They came second!’
It was funny watching the guys do their celebration stuff – air punches and awkward hugs that turned into back slaps. As they walked to the changerooms Levi pointed up at me and punched a fist in the air. I copied, grinning, then went back to clapping with my hands above my head.
At the end of the presentation, Rene and I headed into the foyer. Marco appeared straight away with a cocky confidence in his eyes. They were fixed firmly on Rene.
Halfway through their hug, I cleared my throat. ‘Not bad swimming, Marco, for a guy.’
‘Bugger off, Jade,’ said Marco, his panther eyes alight.
‘Bugger off, yourself,’ I said and laughed, because I suddenly realised that I didn’t hate Marco anymore. Somewhere along the way, all that anger had disappeared. Maybe when I realised how similar we were.
I was trying to think up some other clever way to annoy Marco, when I caught movement out of the corner of my eye. At the other end of the foyer, a bunch of guys were walking out. The back slaps had turned into wrestling. The cheers had become laughter. I couldn’t see Levi among it all, but it was hard to be sure, they were so tight and together.
Then I saw him, moving in fast, head down like a charging bull. Levi tucked a shoulder into one of the other guys and lifted him into a helicopter spin. ‘Arrrr . . .’ The sound coming from Levi was a cry of strength. He put the guy back on the ground and the group surrounded them. Levi was in the middle of it all.
Marco ran over to join in the high-fives. Then Belinda and the rest of the swimming girls appeared, adding to the laugher and comparing notes. Among the crowd I saw Belinda shake two victory fists at Levi. He grinned then grabbed her around the waist and lifted her off the ground.
Rene shifted her weight from one foot to the other beside me. ‘Marco was saying something about pizza.’
But my eyes were fixed on Levi and Belinda. ‘I’ve got to go,’ I said.
Rene turned to me. ‘Are you okay?’
I nodded. ‘Yeah . . . actually, I’m fine. Call me tomorrow?’ I winked to make her smile.
‘Okay, babe,’ said Rene.
Then I was out through the big double doors, breathing in fresh air and looking forward to going home. If Levi had found someone else, then I had no right to get in the way. At least he didn’t hate me anymore.
I wasn’t quitting exactly, more like just letting go . . . I’d come this far, at least. Going with the flow was better than striving for something that would never happen . . . fighting for someone who would never be mine.
CHAPTER 17
As soon as I woke up the next morning, I pulled on my favourite blue leotard, grabbed my gym bag and jumped on the 8.34 bus. Easy. I didn’t have any big plans, or long-term goals. I didn’t really know what to expect. But I knew that I had landed, at last. It was time to go back to gym.
When I got to the gym, I wandered through the double doors as if I’d been doing it every week. I dropped my bag in the locker area, and started warming up. Who says I haven’t been here forever?
Pip bounded over and hugged me tight. ‘You’re back for good, aren’t you?’
I shrugged. ‘Don’t know yet,’ I said, laughing at how normal it felt. ‘Hope so.’
‘Good,’ cause it’s not the same without you.’ She beamed at me, circling her wrists and ankles.
I grinned back, pulling an elbow across my chest. I swapped arms and scanned the gym, breathing deeply and trying to take it all in – the familiar smell of foam and sweat, the echo and clang of the guys on vault, their bodies pounding against springs and fibreglass. One day all this would be past history for me. I wanted to make sure that the memories were clear.
Pip was sprawled on the floor, skinny legs stretched in side splits, her chest pressed to the mat. I reached forward to hug my legs.
When I popped upright again, Russell was standing in front of me, frowning. ‘Decided to turn up at last?’ he growled.
He always pretends to be tough, but Russell’s a total softy underneath. ‘Yep,’ I grinned, circling my arms and looking back at him calmly, challenging him to say something more.
He smiled and let his arms swing free. �
��Good,’ he said, then turned and yelled, ‘Feet, Robbie!’ to one of the boys on high bar.
Monique turned up late, just like normal. I was glad some things hadn’t changed. She wandered over slowly, still fixing her ponytail. I grabbed her in a hug before she even knew what had hit her. I’d really missed training with her.
‘Auugh!’ she screeched when I almost lifted her off the ground.
‘Nice to see you too!’ I said and let go.
She smiled with her head tilted, a bit unsure. Then she nodded at Pip and started rolling her ankles and circling her arms, getting her dynamite body to work.
‘So, are you going to get serious again?’ asked Monique.
I eased into splits, enjoying the feel of the stretch and the fact that it was still easy. Hypermobility has some plus sides it seemed. ‘Don’t know. Maybe,’ I said honestly. I was just looking forward to one more chance to fly.
Monique leaned forwards for a stretch. ‘Well, I hope you are,’ she said, upside down. ‘Because it’s a tad lonely at the top.’ She winked at Pip, then raised her eyebrows cheekily at me.
Pip blew her a nice wet raspberry from a backward stretch in splits. I grinned and pushed a shoulder forward. ‘Well, don’t get too cosy up there, Pig Face – you might not be lonely for long.’ There was no harm in keeping Monique on her toes.
She winked at me and leaned back into another stretch.
After warm-up, we headed for bars, with Monique mumbling that we were meant to be on vault. I grabbed my grips – they seemed stiff and old – pretending I couldn’t hear. I knew why Russell had sent me here, and I was glad he’d sent Pip and Monique with me. Even though I was training again, I still had a long way to go before I’d really come back to gym properly – a million steps up a steep hill to recovery.
The first of those steps was bars.
Pip headed for the set of bars nearest the wall and I turned to see if Monique wanted to go first on the set beside us. But she was fiddling with her tape, head down and frowning, so I chalked up and moved into position.
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