Dr Dale’s Zombie Dictionary
Page 3
Those of you who regularly watch TV will note that in situations when a barricade is needed, there is usually a well-placed chest of drawers or cabinet next to the door or window that needs blocking. Don’t rely on one being there when you need it. If you have decided to make an ultra-modern apartment building your sanctuary you might have noticed that the minimalist attitude of the previous tenants leaves you with very little furniture. This is where your inventiveness will have to come into play and you may be forced to use alternative items to create a barricade (e.g. books, clothes, fish – if the previous tenant had an aquarium). As long as you have enough of something, it will make an effective enough barricade.
Be aware that a barricade does not have to be placed in front of a door or window – you can also pile items onto stairs, making upper floors inaccessible, and down corridors, essentially blocking off segments of your safe house.
KEEPING YOUR BARRIER SAFE
As well as being effective at keeping zombies out, be aware that your barricade should also be easy to dismantle in case you need to get out of your safe house quickly.
Never build a personal barricade by constructing four walls of furniture completely around yourself with a roof on top. Other survivors may mistake it for an unlit bonfire and then you will be in the same situation as hedgehogs on bonfire night.
BIRDS
Birds are around so much that in normal everyday life we rarely notice them. During an apocalypse, though, it is worth keeping an eye out for our feathered friends as they can tell us much about how safe an area is.
It is worth noting that evidence suggests zombies will attack any living creature. So we will presume that birds are also viable prey for the undead.
Pigeon
Pigeons are generally found living in urban areas and are known as the rodents of the bird world due to their habit of scavenging. They are also very intelligent and will become aware that zombies are a danger to them. You can therefore use them as an advance warning system. If you see a flock of pigeons suddenly take to the skies, then you can be assured that something has disturbed them and you can keep away from that area of town. The downside to this is that if a flock of pigeons was in that area, there was probably something worth eating. Make your choice! Stay or go – but the pigeons warned you.
Crow
Like any carrion-eating bird, if you see a flock hovering about you can be certain there’s something dead below – and the more crows, the more dead things. It is true that, like pigeons, these creatures will show caution once they realise it is dangerous to attack zombies, but they are also brave and will devise tactics to pick off the flesh without being caught. This is how you will know that the dead meat they are after is still alive. If it weren’t a threat, they wouldn’t be hovering, they’d be down there eating it. Be warned, though. Once crows realise that zombies are tasty pickings, they may attack the living too, as they will not be able to differentiate between the two. And being attacked by birds isn’t nice – just ask Tippi Hedren.
Ostrich
Contrary to popular belief, ostriches do not bury their heads in the ground when faced with danger; rather, they lie their necks flat and lower their bodies so they blend into the landscape and look like mounds of earth. This is actually quite clever so let’s immediately stop with the ridiculing of the humble ostrich and begin paying this bird some respect. With a top speed of 45 mph (the fastest bird on land) and with a lethal kick, the ostrich is a good role model to have.
Flamingo
The Queen of Hearts used one as a croquet mallet, which is a good enough reason as any to use a flamingo as a battering weapon. If a fictional character from a children’s story book can do it then by golly so can you.
Chicken
Of course this bird is useful! They lay eggs which will sustain you if you can capture one and keep it in your safe house. If all else fails you can also eat it. In fact, you could eat any bird at all if it’s cooked properly, although a chicken will make a more substantial meal than a budgie. The largest bird is the ostrich, but he is a god amongst birds so you wouldn’t want to anger the god of ostrich by eating him. After the ostrich I suppose the next best thing is Big Bird of Sesame Street. You’d need a lot of Tupperware boxes to keep the leftovers after cooking him!
BITES
If you are bitten by a zombie you can do one of two things: either kill yourself by destroying your own brain, or let someone else kill you using the same brain-destroying method. DO NOT ignore the fact you have been bitten and hope it will go away. It won’t. Eventually, you will become a zombie, making survival more difficult for other living folks who weren’t stupid enough to get bitten.
No one knows exactly how long it takes to transform once you have been bitten. Because of this it is wise to regularly make all the members of your group strip naked to check that no one is hiding anything. Take no chances either! If someone says they cut themselves shaving, assume they are lying and smash in their head immediately.
If you are alone when bitten with no plausible way of destroying your own brain, then unfortunately there is no way to stop yourself from becoming a zombie. There is, however, a way in which you can stop yourself from becoming a danger to other survivors and that is to neutralise your own head. This can be done in a variety of ways, but my preferred method is to use cling film. Wrap it multiple times around your head, and then gaffer tape it afterwards (with maybe a few staples). Then, when you do rise you will be unable to bite other survivors. Other methods of head neutralisation include visored motorcycle helmets, heavy-duty bin bags and strapping a cat to your face.
BOAT
The use of boats to aid your survival is a sensible choice – as long as you use caution and remember that zombies can survive under water and withstand strong currents.
Let us look at some of the options you have:
Battleship
Built to withstand heavy weather conditions and contains weapons and supplies. Be aware that it is not constructed for comfort and fuel will be hard to come by. The armed forces are also known for manning their ships with fine specimens of humankind, which will make it easier to repopulate when the time comes.
Rowing boat
If your safe house is near a river or canal it is always handy to have a rowboat as a means of escape across the water should the need arise. However, we would not recommend living in one, especially if there is a team of more than 47 in your group, as it may get a little cramped and water-bound zombies can easily overpower a rowboat and capsize it.
Cruise liner
These boats are great if you can find one that isn’t already swarming with zombies – but due to the fact they are public liners that is unlikely. But if you do manage to secure one, as long as it is well stocked and kept off shore, these are the best boats to live on – as long as you don’t mind playing bingo every night from 5–7p.m.
Pirate ship
Not the most substantial vessel to attempt long-term survival on the choppy ocean waves, but it is certainly the coolest. It will also give you the right to cease washing and braid your hair. You can also sing sea shanties about yourself and catch scurvy, none of which will really help in surviving a zombie apocalypse.
Peddle-mechanism swan boat
No.
BOTOX
Want to stay looking calm during a zombie apocalypse? That furrowed brow and those worry lines starting to affect your team’s confidence in you? Is constantly fighting the undead taking its toll? Worry no more as Botox could very well be the one thing every survivalist needs in their kit. Injecting small amounts of Botox into the lined areas on your face will eradicate any signs of anxiety making you look cool, calm and collected at all times. Botox can also be used to control excessive sweating, stop facial tics, treat migraines, help bladder control, alleviate pain involved with muscle disorders, fly an aeroplane, explain the theory of relativity and make a mean gazpacho soup (the last three are currently unconfirmed but undergoing clinical trials).
The effect of Botox as a weapon against the undead cannot be commented on until we can be aware of exactly how a zombie operates physiologically and whether large doses would cause temporary or fatal paralysis of the muscles or nervous system within the brain. You can be assured, though, that studies will likely reveal that eight out of ten zombies injected with Botox will notice younger, more vibrant-looking skin.
BYPASS/BYROAD
Bypass roads are going to be extremely useful during the dark days of the apocalypse as they will be one of the safest routes to travel from A to B. No matter what mode of transport you decide to use – car, bus, motorcycle, tank, walking, boat, pram or dog with a saddle – using bypass roads will enable you to stay out of built-up areas where there are likely to be more infected people. By their very nature, bypass roads ‘bypass’ or ‘pass by’ towns and cities without actually going straight through them, and although the temptation may be quite high to enter built-up areas to scavenge for supplies, we highly recommend against it if you wish to live. Stay on bypass routes and get what you need from smaller villages and remote farms, avoiding urban areas.
It is with this in mind that the School of Survival is lobbying for more bypasses to be constructed. When the dead finally rise, a bypass will be more useful to the survival of the human race than a field, some trees and an area of natural beauty. So if a faceless construction firm, the council or the government wishes to build a bypass in your area, ignore those who are fighting against it in order to preserve the habitat of the blue-spotted toad and get that bypass built! In the end, whose survival is more important? Yours or a toad’s?
CAMERA
Of course the last thing on your mind during an apocalypse is getting a spiffy new profile picture for Facebook, but a camera is useful for so much more than capturing memories to treasure for ever.
Cameras are more readily available than binoculars or telescopes, and the zoom function will aid you on your reconnaissance missions. Also, as most cameras now allow you to view pictures on a tiny screen at the back, you can spend more time analysing a situation from the safety of your base without having to rely on memory or having to find a printer. If you are on a scavenging mission and running back to your safe house, you can also hold your camera aloft and take random pictures of streets and shops as you run. Later on, you can look through the saved pictures at your leisure and identify the areas that may be worth going back to. You can also use the camera to take pictures of the more attractive members of your team during strip searches for bites. As porn will be in short supply these will come in handy on cold winter nights.
CAMOUFLAGE
The way in which a zombie perceives the world is open to debate. With them being technically dead, how do their eyes operate? Can they smell? Does their hearing become more acute? Until they rise we can do no more than speculate, but we can theorise that camouflage will be a waste of time.
The concept behind camouflage is blend into an area that you wish to remain in for a specific purpose without being seen by your enemies. In this case your enemies are zombies. What purpose could you possibly have for being in the same room as a zombie? Why would you want to stay hidden in a room where there were zombies? If they have gained access to your safe house then the most logical course of action is not to stick a lampshade on your head and stand in a corner. Either:
Run away.
Try and fight them off.
Hide.
Hiding is not to be confused with camouflage. Hiding is secreting yourself in an attic and making no noise so as not to be seen. Camouflage is painting yourself the same colour as the wallpaper and standing flat against the wall in plain sight of intruders. With a zombie’s brain being the only functioning organ, you can pretty much guarantee that they’re not going to be stupid enough to miss a plonker who has painted himself purple and is standing by the telly.
CAR
Cars, much like chainsaws, have a major stumbling block in that they require fuel, a commodity that will be in short supply once the apocalypse is in full swing. It is, however, advisable to try and secure a decent vehicle should the need arise for a quick escape or a long-haul trip.
In inner-city areas it is likely that the streets will be blocked with debris, bodies, sweet wrappers and other cars. Therefore, using a motor vehicle in these areas will be near impossible (unless you attach a lot of pigeons to the roof rack and airlift the car out). However, should your safe house be in a city, it is always a good idea to secure the keys to vehicles that are situated in your scavenging zones. This way, should you come under surprise attack you will have a possible means of escape or a place in which to hide until a rescue party arrives. Do be careful when searching vehicles for keys or supplies; there will be cases where people have been attacked whilst in their cars and will have turned into zombies whilst stuck inside. As zombies won’t know how to operate seatbelts or car doors, they may still be trapped inside. This is even more likely where children are concerned as adult zombies may have the brute strength to break free, whereas a child zombie strapped in a car seat may not.
CELEBRITY
As horrible and upsetting as it may sound, celebrities can also become zombies. In fact, anyone can become a zombie and although we’ve all pretty much come to terms with the fact that your own mum may be reanimated, are we fully conditioned to accept an undead Richard and Judy, a zombie Philip Schofield or a feral Fearne Cotton? And, as amusing as it may sound, celebrity zombies can be a dangerous thing.
If a well-known A-List celebrity like Britney Spears so much as sneezes these days there are numerous photographers on hand to snap the event and ten times as many fans ready to set up a Facebook group to say ‘Geshundheit’.
Imagine, then, if Britney were to be bitten and transformed? Initially Heat magazine would comment on her weight loss and deathly pallor, maybe coming to the conclusion that she had been in rehab. But once the full truth of the situation dawned on the populace there would be those crazed fans out there who would want to either a) try and save her – even though we all know that once reanimated you are beyond help, or b) own her.
If a celebrity becomes a mindless corpse, crazed and opportunistic fans are likely to relish the chance of beg able to own their idol, causing a mass of people to congregate at her last known location giving little thought to their own safety or the possibility that their beloved Britney will most likely attack them. This will result in a higher level of zombies in otherwise deserted and exclusive areas like Primrose Hill, Notting Hill and Beverley Hills. (It seems to be that wherever there is a Hill you’ll find a celebrity – apart from maybe an ant hill. You’ll only find ants there, and not the kind who hangs around with Dec – the insecty type… I digress).
Another problem for celebrities is that they may be mistaken for the actual characters they play in movies and other media, and might be expected to perform acts of immense courage, strength and near impossibility in order to help us survive. So although Woody Harrelson, Bruce Campbell or Milla Jovovich may be able to hold their own quite well during the apocalypse due to the previous simulation training they’ve had in their day jobs, it would be unwise to expect them to be able to make bus tanks, clone themselves or mix magic health potions from cabbage and pies. Just concentrate on your own survival and don’t worry about the celebrities at all. Just remember, once you’ve got through this, you’ll be the celebrity for using your knowledge to help the needy survive!
NOTE: For those who take umbrage at my use of Britney Spears as an example during this segment, I did initially plan to use Paris Hilton, but then realised the analogy of her transforming into a mindless corpse would have confused the issue and thus become a moot point.
CEMETERY
It is a common misconception that cemeteries and graveyards are unsafe during a zombie apocalypse. On the contrary, they are one of the safest places to be – during the initial outbreak at least. Bear in mind that the most dangerous places to be
are those that are heavily populated and on the surface appear to be the most obvious areas of escape or aid (e.g. hospitals and airports- see Panic Zones). Who in their right mind would go to a cemetery on hearing of a zombie uprising? A cemetery will be relatively quiet with fewer members of the public to cause mass infection.
But what if the dead rise from their graves? Since 1980 the number of burials has decreased rapidly with people preferring cremation, which is cheaper and requires less space. So, luckily for you the majority of the corpses in most cemeteries have been underground for decades. And if their brains haven’t already rotted away, they will still have to break through a coffin and six feet of earth to get out. As they are scrabbling up to the surface you will have enough time to dispose of them.
Your only issue may be if there is a chapel in the cemetery with bodies awaiting burial/cremation, but they can be swiftly dealt with if you are adept enough. We do not recommend using a cemetery as a long-term safe area (due to the lack of amenities, weapons and food, as well as the general atmosphere of sadness and stench of death and old people) but heading there immediately on hearing of the apocalypse will keep you safe from the initial panic and allow you to come up with a more coherent plan for your future.