Dr Dale’s Zombie Dictionary

by Dr Dale Seslick

  The only problem is how to administer the drugs. As the circulatory, respiratory and digestive functions of a zombie are all non-functioning the only possible way to feed the drug into the brain would be to inject it straight into the head. But if you were close enough to stick a syringe into a zombie’s cranium, you might as well use a cutlass and get the job done rather than stand there watching a corpse freak out at the sight of its own fingers.

  Should you decide to follow experimentation of drugged up zombies further we recommend caution regarding cannabis as we can’t be held accountable for what should happen if a member of the undead gets the munchies.

  ELECTRICITY

  Electricity is an integral part of our daily lives. We use it for watching TV, lighting our homes, running our computers, blowing up bouncy castles with electrically powered pumps, the list is endless. So how will we cope without it? That is something you are going to have to think about long and hard because there will come the time when the lights will go out.

  Electricity enables the majority of our leisure-time activities: television, computers and games consoles. Without these items and with loads of time on our hands, we will have to face reality and actually talk to other people. And if there’s no alcohol, we’ll have to do it whilst sober. Come on, calm down! There are still people alive today who remember a world without all this technology we have now. During the Blitz of the Second World War they used to sit in subways and whisper stories to each other so the aeroplanes didn’t hear them. They talked, played games, shared experiences, learnt about each other… Sounds like hell, doesn’t it? But it’s the only thing you can do unless you’ve got a generator or solar power unit on your roof… Actually, that might be better, yes. Go out and buy solar panels and a generator too just in case. That way at least you can watch DVDs or play on your Xbox and not have to suffer another round of Twister with your strange uncle Frank who wears his trousers too high and looks at you funny and just happened to be visiting when news of the apocalypse came through so decided to invite himself to stay with you. If only you could get yourself alone with him for five minutes – just enough time to shove him out of the upstairs window into the arms of the hordes below… Anyway, yes, buy a generator – I’ve just seen them on eBay for around £150.

  ELECTROCONVULSIVE THERAPY

  The treatment of certain mental disorders by passing an electrical current directly through the brain. So with that in mind, can you kill a zombie’s brain with electricity?

  The simple answer is that you can fry just about any organic matter to a crisp if you use enough electricity and a zombie’s body will react much in the same way as a human’s if it comes into contact with a high enough current (it will conduct the current and so will be held to the spot and shudder). The problem is that the current would have to be quite high as zombies will react to low-voltage shocks in much the same way they react to any pain (i.e. they won’t notice it).

  So, why would you want to waste your electricity on such a highfalutin, complicated way of killing zombies when you’ve only got £4.72 on the meter and a pointy stick would do the job just as well? If you have access to the national grid then by all means use this method. Otherwise save your electricity for heating your Super Noodles; they taste horrible cold.

  EMOTION

  During an apocalypse, one of the major disadvantages we will have as humans (unless you’re not human – maybe you’re a dolphin and if so kudos to you for taking the next step in your evolution and learning to read) is that we will have to deal with our emotions.

  Anger may send you running into a horde of zombies with nothing but a tea strainer to exact revenge for the death of a loved one. Love may stop you from sticking that pitchfork in your wife’s head once you’ve discovered that she’s been bitten. Fear may make you wet yourself and the only store where you can get replacement trousers could be infested with zombies meaning you have to survive without pants.

  We must learn to control our emotions (I don’t mean quash them either as that will just cause ambivalence which is equally as self-destructive; you will hinder your survival if you don’t care). You must put that tea strainer to better use and make a nice calming cup of tea and learn to channel your anger into a positive force for destruction so that you can plan well-formulated attacks. Realise that the greatest gift of love you can give your wife is to plunge that garden implement into her head. And you must see that although your fear is not irrational, allowing it to control your bowels is never a positive thing.

  Focus on the positive emotions that will help you through these dark days: feel a twinge of anticipation that you are finally able to use your years of training; feel a great sense of responsibility knowing that you can beat this apocalypse; and maybe, just maybe, you’ll even feel slightly aroused too (but each to their own).

  EMULATION

  An interesting school of thought suggests that the best way to survive a zombie apocalypse is to pretend to be a zombie and then they won’t notice you. Would that work? I don’t know. Why don’t you wait for the dead to rise and then go and stand in the middle of a horde with your arms outstretched groaning the word ‘Braaaaaiiiiins!’ Go on, give it a shot. I’m sure you’ll be fine! Hey, maybe you’ll even make some zombie friends and then you can go and have zombie tea parties and shop for new zombie clothes and braid each other’s zombie hair whilst giggling over how Zombie Chantelle keeps tripping over her own intestines. Oh! I know! Why don’t you sprout wings and go and live on the moon when the apocalypse starts. Someone once said it was made of cheese so you’ll have loads to eat! Yeah! What a great idea! Idiots.

  ENERGY BAR

  Looking like blocks of dried-up vomit hardly makes this foodstuff seem appealing, but packed as they are with carbohydrates they are the perfect meal supplement to carry round with you to keep hunger at bay. When scavenging, always fill your trolley with these little beauties and you will never go wrong. Due to their consistency they are also perfect for barricade building and can cause serious damage when thrown with force.

  ENERGY DRINK

  The most noticeable difference between energy bars and energy drinks is that one is solid whilst the other is liquid. The important thing about this fact is if you needed this explained to you, then prepare to die. You’re not going to survive – in fact, I’m surprised you’ve lasted this long. Maybe it would be best if you didn’t leave the house again. Ever.

  ENTRAILS

  Entrails and intestines are inside of us and the bits that are likely to fall out of us should somebody make a deep enough cut across our midsection. It is worth noting that during a zombie apocalypse you are likely to see your fair share of entrails protruding from zombies and you need to be prepared for this.

  You may think that watching a lot of horror films will desensitise you to much of the gore you will encounter on a day to day basis, but we can assure you that this will not be the case. In addition to the sight of dripping entrails, there will also be the overpowering stench and the sound of killing to contend with, and this onslaught cannot be fully appreciated on celluloid.

  A simple yet effective way of learning how to cope with entrails is to befriend a local butcher and have them supply you with offal. Once you have acquired this product get your friends or family to strap it to their midriff and keep it there for an indefinite period of time. Watching your mum go about her daily tasks with pig intestines wrapped around her, smelling like an abandoned abattoir will soon have you prepared for facing the real deal.

  ESCHEAT

  This is a word not commonly used in everyday conversation – ‘Excuse me, could you pass the escheat?’ or hat a lovely escheat, where did you get it? It is actually an old common-law doctrine that is very useful to be aware of during a zombie apocalypse.

  Along with its partner in doctrine, bona vacantia, the basis of these laws is that if a person dies with no will and no heirs then everything they own goes to the crown, the state or immediately superior feudal landlord depending
on where you reside.

  Land or property ownership may not be exactly high on your agenda when there are crowds of corpses on your tail, but you must never live day to day. You must always plan for the future when mankind inevitably wins the war against the dead.

  The important fact to note about this law is that the property of the deceased is claimed by the crown or the government. When the apocalypse begins one of two things will have happened to these two institutions. They will:

  Have been ushered into steel-walled underground bunkers by men in dark suits and sunglasses shouting ‘Down! Down!’ and ‘The eagle is in the nest!’ where they will have innumerable supplies to see out these dark days, or

  Be dead.

  In either scenario they’ll be out of the way leaving you to declare yourself the new superior feudal lord of any particular area of the country. This then gives you the right to claim all the property of everyone who has died with no living heirs (of which I would imagine there would be a fair few). Of course, there will be those people who will merely think you have gone insane and disregard this law and your claims. They will argue that as there is no government to uphold the law that the law is null and void. If this is the case then feel free to declare yourself Prime Minister or even Queen which gives you the right to make up whatever laws you want and uphold them as best you can.

  There are, of course, easier ways of obtaining property in a lawless society which usually involves a large angry posse and a stash of weapons. But even if you do decide to go down that path, at least you know now that the law is on your side.

  ESPRESSO

  Caffeine taken in excess is thought to induce blurred vision, dizziness, insomnia, anxiety and fruity breath to name but a few of the symptoms. However, I simply cannot envisage waking up in the morning with a mob of undead to dispose of without a double espresso to get the motor running. Seeing as I will have to forego most other pleasures in life whilst my dead relatives plunder the earth I am not giving up coffee. And whilst I understand that eventually my supplies will run out, woe betide the person who has to face me in the morning to explain that there are no more beans – and heaven help them if they offer me tea instead!

  At least there’ll be a lot of zombies annihilated that day. Which is never a bad thing…

  That doesn’t mean that anyone surviving alongside me should pretend there’s no coffee just to get me angry – just the thought upsets me!

  I need a coffee – now!

  EUTHANASIA

  Assisted suicide is a sticky subject at the best of times. It is, of course, currently illegal in the eyes of the law but there are people who are compelled to ignore the law in order to alleviate the suffering of their loved ones. In the case of a zombie apocalypse, whatever your feelings on the subject, euthanasia will become common prac tim

  It is common knowledge that when bitten it is only a matter of time before a person becomes a zombie and the only way to stop this before it happens is to kill them by destroying the brain. If guns are in short supply it will be very difficult to commit suicide and destroy the brain at the same time so it is likely that you will be asked to help. Do not shun your responsibility. Better to do it now than when they are trying to bite you.

  It is also worth noting that even if guns are available, some religions and cultures see suicide as a sin that will condemn them to hell. They will not in all good conscience be able to kill themselves even though they are aware of the alternative. Again, you must step up to the plate and do the deed. Bear in mind that the act of taking another human’s life must not be taken lightly whatever the circumstances. There may be people in your group who hinder you, are too slow, complain too much or you just don’t like. You cannot just kill them for no good reason – at least wait until they tell you they have a headache or an ingrown toe-nail. The main aim of euthanasia is to alleviate suffering and you’ll be doing them a favour.

  EXPLOSIVES

  Although it may seem like a fun idea to throw highly charged incendiary devices at the living dead, it is not always the most effective way to dispose of them. Remember that the only way to kill a zombie is to destroy its brain. Blowing it up does not always guarantee this. When you throw an explosive device the chances are that it will land on the floor before it explodes. Likewise, if you plant mines or booby traps they are also going to be triggered at ground level. Depending on the level of the explosive this will at least blow the zombies legs off, but that’s not going to stop the blighters, is it and they’ll just keep coming, dragging themselves across the floor towards you? Even if you manage to do serious damage to the walking corpses and blow their bodies apart you could still be left with a worst-case scenario of a head being blown off right into your lap without the brain being destroyed and the mouth fully operational!

  Using explosives will also cause smoke, flames and debris – all things that will affect your fighting environment and your vision but not the zombies’, putting you at an immediate disadvantage.

  Even utilising explosives to take out whole buildings full of infected bodies is not an incredibly smart idea. Again, there is no guarantee that the dead within your target building will be killed and they could just be buried and either burrow out over time or be dug up by other survivors when the area is assumed safe.

  If explosives should be used for anything it is for creating fortification. They can be used to quickly block roads and tunnels and take out bridges meaning you can make areas safer for yourself as you cut off access points for the undead.

  FACTORY

  Factories are great places to hide when the apocalypse begins due to their mixture of wide open-plan areas and closed office spaces, and there is a wealth of useful equipment that can be utilised throughout these buildings.

  Of course, the effectiveness of the individual factory as a sanctuary really does depend on what the factory makes. For instance, a furniture factory will be more useful than a pillow factory and a Japanese martial arts weapon factory will be even more useful than that. Factories are generally built on estates so you may have the option to pick and choose if you are quick and give yourself enough time to secure the factory before the zombie population reaches critical mass and heads in your direction.

  Once secure in your factory, it is a good idea to refrain from operating unfamiliar machinery – even if it does look like fun. You know very well what I’m talking about – the forklift truck. You won’t be laughing when you hit reverse by mistake and end up ploughing through the steel-shuttered loading bay doors into the waiting arms of the undead.

  Also make sure that you have a pocketful of coins for the snack and coffee machines in the staffroom as they never give out change.

  FERAL

  By their very nature zombies are feral creatures who want nothing in the world other than to bite things. It is not zombies we are concerned with in this segment, though, as unfortunately they will not be our only threat during the apocalypse. Other feral creatures can also cause us problems. Let’s take a look at them.

  Wild animals – feral

  Rats, badgers and mountain lions will all become more widespread when they realise civilisation has ceased. They will be more prevalent in urban areas and less afraid of humans.

  Domestic animals – feral

  Left to fend for themselves they will revert to the ways of the wild to survive. Danger level depends on the animal. Dogs will be more dangerous than budgies.

  Children – feral

  Depending on the time they have been alone they will become more and more animal-like – much like Tarzan or Mowgli. Highly unlikely to attack. Hiding and stealth will be their modus operandi, and stealing supplies will be the main issue you have with them.

  Adults – feral

  The most dangerous of the lot – as becoming feral will have more to do with mental issues than necessity for survival like the other examples. They will attack you, they will try to kill you and they will smell.

  Colin – feral

 
; I think this one’s a typo but I believe he can be a bit of a rough diamond. You certainly wouldn’t want to rub him up the wrong way. Not sure if he’d attack you – maybe if you were taking pictures?

  FIGHTING STYLE

  There are many different fighting styles that can be adopted when attempting to fend off a member of the undead. Realistically, when it comes down to the nitty-gritty, many of these styles will be replaced by you manically swiping at your attacker with a blunt instrument whilst screaming insanely.

  It is worth noting, though, for those of you who do manage to keep your cool during a zombie apocalyp, that the majority of fighting styles don’t take into account a zombie’s primary weapon: its mouth.

  A zombie will attack with its mouth and grab with its hands. It will not punch, kick, roundhouse, forward roll, fly like a butterfly or sting like a frog. Its primary goal is to get a part of your body into its mouth and that is where some fighting styles will fall short – mainly because biting and grabbing are seen as illegal moves and a little bit girly. Hence, if you were ring-fighting professionally, the bout would have been halted and the person biting would have had a finger wagged at them (we all know that if you wagged a finger at a zombie you would get it bitten off so don’t be thinking of trying that).