Dr Dale’s Zombie Dictionary

by Dr Dale Seslick

  HELICOPTER

  Do you know how to fly a helicopter? No! Then what is the use of me explaining to you how to use one during a zombie apocalypse? It’s not like a bicycle where you can just get on and start peddling. You actually need to know how to use one! There are all kinds of buttons and dials about speed and turbine speed, turbine outlet temperature, horizontal situation indicators, not to mention the ADF and the VOR. Did you really think you could just hop in, turn a key and you’d be off? If you know nothing about helicopters, then forget about them – get a hang glider, or take a course now before the apocalypse begins. Just skip this next bit for now.

  If you do know how to fly a helicopter you’d use it to ESCAPE! It’s not rocket science! What else are you going to use one for? As a weapon to slice up zombies with the blades in mid-flight? That’s just stupid talk!

  HELL

  When there is no more room in hel, the dead will walk the earth. It’s therefore safe to assume that hell won’t top the list of best places to be when the apocalypse begins. And the fact that it’s so overcrowded will probably make the dead down there even more vicious and angry than the ones who are wandering around on earth. They’ll probably keep jostling each other when they’re trying to have a sip of their coffee meaning that they’ll have Nescafé all down their shirts and tere’s nothing more frustrating than that. And what makes it worse is there’s nowhere in hell to get new clothes (although I believe there are plans to build a Primark down there).

  On the other hand, if the dead are shuffling round in hell and on earth, this should mean that heaven is probably quite safe. Although I think the requirements for getting into heaven are quite strict. You’ve got to have two references and a utility bill at least.

  To be honest, you’re probably best staying away from most theological locations – stick to finding a nice bunker or revolving sky restaurant to bed down in. Besides, you don’t want to have to go to all the trouble of getting into heaven only to have your eyes burnt out and your brain melted purely for looking upon God. Mind you, before that happens you could always ask him why the bloody hell he’s let the undead invade earth. And why he keeps letting Noel Edmunds back onto the telly.

  HELMET

  A cardinal sin in the war against the undead is to wear a helmet. NEVER wear a helmet! Ever! Ever! Ever! Do you hear me? You don’t need an explanation – you should have realised by now that I know what I’m talking about! Just don’t do it! OK? Never!

  HELMET (THE EXPLANATION)

  OK, maybe you do need an explanation. A helmet essentially covers the head. That’s its job, to protect your noggin (some of you may already have picked up on the reasoning behind the ‘no helmet rule’ – clever people). So, what happens if you get bitten and turn into a zombie? Your head is protected! How do you kill a zombie? Go for the brain! Thus, you have made the job of other survivors twice as hard because your brain is protected by a helmet!

  Of course, you may argue that if you were bitten you would have had the foresight to remove your helmet before you reanimated. And my argument would be, if you were bitten, why wear a helmet in the first place? Because it obviously didn’t do its job as you had to remove it because you were bitten!

  If any more reason not to wear a helmet were needed, consider that not only will they interfere with peripheral vision but also that most of them cover your ears meaning they will affect your hearing. Now, as I said before – no helmets! So let’s just leave it at that and move on.

  HIDE/HIDING

  The most effective way to survive in a zombie apocalypse. Some believe that going all gung-ho and running about with sharpened weapons hacking up your opponents is the way to survive – but I contest that with the theory that the less time you spend surrounded by the undead, the less chance you will have of being killed. Thus, you survive.

  Naturally, there will be times when fighting is necessary – all I’m saying is don’t actively go out and seek trouble until you and your team are absolutely completely and utterly ready to take back the world from those undead freaks (or until you need to nip out and get some new batteries for your iPod).

  If there is a minor breach to your safe house (one or two zombies) then they will be easy to dispose of and the area easy to secure in a relatively short period of time.

  If, however, you are attacked by a horde it will be safer to hide and wait for them to rampage through and on to the next meal rather than attempt to defend yourself against them all. This is why it’s a good idea to have a hiding place with a few days’ supplies ready in advance. It could be the attic or the cellar, or it could quite easily be under the bed or in a wardrobe. Obviously these last two choices aren’t as comfortable as the first two – but they will be just as effective. Zombies are stupid so as long as you get to your hiding spot before the zombie sees you, they will not think to open a wardrobe door or bend down to look under a bed. It may be aware you are in the vicinity due to its sense of smell (if it does indeed still operate this sense), but it won’t have the cognitive power to actually look for you. It will roam about for a bit and then it will eventually leave in search of the next meal.

  If you do decide to use one of these simple hiding techniques, don’t become cocky. A zombie will still hear you if you chant ‘You can’t see me! Ner Ner!’ and will most likely throw the bed out of the way or smash the wardrobe to pieces. This plan, like most others, is also not foolproof, and should you be under the bed and the zombie falls over he will spot you. Or if your wardrobe was one of those cheap Ikea knockoffs it may collapse around you when you get in (I think you’ll find it says in the instruction manual for most DIY wardrobes that they are not built for a person to live in). So although the option exists for you to hide in these places, we recommend going the extra mile and preparing somewhere a little more substantial.

  HORDE

  The noun that collectively describes a large unspecific amount of zombies all in the same place at the same time. This is by no use a definitive term and can be broken down into sub-segments.

  You can use these terms specifically, although the word ‘horde’ is generally accepted when it is difficult to count just how many zombies are in one region at the same time.

  Collective Terms for Zombies

  A zombie 1 zombie

  A couple of zombies 2 zombies

  A few zombies 3 zombies

  A host of zombies 4 – 15 zombies

  A swarm of zombies 16 – 30 zombies

  A throng of zombies 31 – 60 zombies

  A thong of zombies 31 – 60 zombies in their pants

  An assemblage of zombies 61 – 80 zombies

  A coterie of zombies 81 – 100 zombies

  A jonty beavan of zombies over 100 zombies

  HOSPITAL

  See Panic Zone

  HUMAN REMAINS

  Not really a nice thing to think about, but as some of you may be aware, there is the possibility that people will die during a zombie apocalypse, and although there are cases where these dead bodies will ridefinitgain, eventually, once you’ve done your brain-destroying business, there will be a corpse that has to be dealt with.

  There may be some of you that believe that once a corpse is down for good it is no longer a threat and can be left to rot in the streets as you continue on your merry way. Consider, though, several facts. If this is a viral or genetic zombie outbreak the infection that causes zombification could still be present in the inert body, meaning that anyone who comes into contact with it will become infected. Also, prior to being transformed into a member of the shambling undead, this creature was actually a human just like you. Do they really deserve to have their body left in the middle of the street for feral animals to gnaw on and maggots and flies to live in?

  That was a trick question – of course they should be left there! Don’t tell me you had started to show a little compassion at this stage? We’ve already ascertained that we should be selfish towards the living, so why on earth should we really give a rat’s pa
tootie about a pile of degrading meat and bones? Let the blighter rot!

  There is still the option of infection to consider, though – and the only way to deal with that is through fire, corrosive substances or concrete. Burial is not an option because then you would have to come in close contact with the body (you may already have come in close contact with the body during battle in which case, oops. Hand-to-hand fighting with zombies isn’t really a clever thing to do). The body must be destroyed or inaccessible to any other survivors to avoid the zombie virus spreading any further.

  Concrete can be a time-consuming affair what with having to mix it up and wait for it to dry, and unless you have killed the zombie in a DIY centre you are unlikely to want to lug bags of cement across town just to set a corpse in stone.

  Corrosive substances are the better option, but they are notoriously difficult to come by – especially the level of substance you require to dissolve an entire body at any great speed. So that just leaves fire. Fire is the easiest and most convenient way of disposing of a body, but it is also the most dangerous as the smoke will likely attract zombies to the location of the bonfire and the flames may get out of control and cause major destruction in the particular area of town you are in. Your choices are rather limited, though. The best option is to prepare for a quick retreat, cremate the body and just keep your fingers crossed that it won’t burn down half the city (although the great fire of London in 1666 did help to eradicate the great plague of the time so who knows, you may be doing the world a favour).

  Should you have ended up with a corpse inside your very own safe house due to some strange twist of fate (home invasion or a team member transforming), unless you have concrete or corrosive substances in your house, then presume your location has been compromised and go and find somewhere else to stay. You cannot set fire to a corpse in the middle of your own home. If you are trapped inside due to zombie hordes then find some way to keep the body away from other survivors by locking off the room the corpse is in.

  Of course there are situations in battle (e.g. when you have to make a hasty retreat) where you will be incapable of destroying the bodies, so don’t feel too bad if you leave a pile of corpses in your wake. At the end of the day it may not even be a viral or genetic zombie virus anyway, meaning that the corpses aren’t harmful to anyone. In which case, if you do have the time you should do what any thoughtfu, compassionate human being would do in this situation and give them a decent burial. Nah. I’m joking again. You should loot the body of anything valuable and then be on your way to the next corpse (after spitting on it first).

  HUNDRED

  I was just looking through the Collins pocket dictionary (in colour) and do you know what the definition of a hundred is? ‘Ten times ten’. Why not ‘twenty times five’ or ‘twenty-five times four’ or ‘a hundred times one’ or ‘forty-seven times 2.1276595’.

  That’s all I have to say on the matter. It just interested me. There is no real relevance to the term a hundred in zombie training apart from the fact that a hundredweight is 112 lbs which might come in handy. Oh, and over a hundred zombies is classed as a jonty beavan of Zombies.

  HUNGER

  This is something you may have to get used to during a zombie apocalypse as food will become scarce and difficult to come by. Supermarkets and food stores rank high on the scale of ‘Panic Zones’ (see Panic Zones) and will either have been looted very early on in the apocalypse or be overrun by the shambling undead. So, what do you do? Well, you can’t starve to death, as death will severely scupper your chances of survival, so you have two choices. Firstly, you can stock up now with tinned food that is liable to last a long time without going out of date. Then you will have a designated supply that will last the siege during the early days of the apocalypse before the undead settle down a bit and start to wander the planet aimlessly.

  If that seems a little boring for your taste (being prepared often can be a little boring) then think of the alternative where you have no food and have to eat your shoes, pot plants and Michael Bublé CD collection. Also think about the sense of satisfaction you will get from saying ‘told you so’ to the naysayers and doubters who pooh-poohed your stockpiling of beans and soup. Whilst you’re at home enjoying a good meal they’ll be chowing down on huarache sandals, rhododendrons and Crazy Love. Hmm – the sweet taste of always being right… (Please note that the taste of ‘always being right’ will not stop you from starving to death.)

  ID

  Not the 2007 album by Polish songstress Anna Maria Jopek (although we’re sure finishing 11th in the Eurovision Song Contest would qualify you quite highly enough to survive a zombie apocalypse – if you have suffered the hardship of performing at Eurovision you can pretty much be guaranteed to survive anything.) Today we shall be discussing the id as part of the human psyche.

  According to Freud in his New Introductory Lectures on Psychoanalysis in 1933, the id is ‘the dark, inaccessible part of our personality, what little we know of it we have learnt from our study of the dream-work and of the construction of neurotic symptoms, and most of this is of a negative character and can be described only as a contrast to the ego. We all approach the id with analogies: we call it a chaos, a cauldron full of seething excitations… It is filled with energy reaching it from the instincts, but it has no organisation, produces no collective will, but only a striving to bring about the satisfaction of the instinctual needs subject to the observance of the pleasue principle.’

  In layman’s terms it is the crazy bit of our personality. The id is responsible for our basic drives such as food, water, sex, etc. It is essentially our biological instincts that are quashed by social and moral restraints. Put simply, who hasn’t wished they could just get up and walk round to the call centre and stab that cold caller in the head when they rang just as you were about to sit down to dinner? The reason you don’t do it? Because morally you know it’s wrong and society would condemn you and put you in prison (also call centres hide their numbers so you wouldn’t be able to find them anyway). But the instinct is there to cause damage to the caller as your sprouts go cold – this is your id in action.

  When the apocalypse occurs, society will crumble around you and moral guidelines will become more blurred so your id will be allowed to run somewhat freer than it usually does. This is no bad thing as it will mean that you are allowing your subconscious to react to what your body needs in order to survive. Be careful, though. The id is disorganised and illogical. In some respects it is quite primal and if allowed to take control of your personality completely will turn you into something of a psycho. As a zombie-killing machine this will be most effective, but when dealing with other survivors it might not go down so well if you beat them to death in order to get their cornflakes.

  Of course, how we apply the id to individuals can vary from case to case and in a zombie apocalypse we will all act and react in different ways. Some of us will retain our sense of moral values and community, whilst others will decide that they want to go completely nuts. During training it is marginally important to look at how our own psychology will affect our conduct and ultimately our chances of survival – maybe by booking occasional sessions with a psychotherapist to ensure we remain balanced and focused, but then there are those who believe it is a load of old tosh and that psychiatry is the last tool we will need in the quest to survive.

  If that is the case then we in no way encourage you to follow a thorough personal psychological analysis of your own id. However, should you fall foul of a zombie attack due to a buried Oedipal complex deep within your own subconscious, don’t blame me.

  IGLOO

  One popular theory maintains that zombies will not be able to cope with severely low temperatures and will freeze (note that this will not kill them; they will merely freeze solid until they are defrosted and then will continue as normal once they have thawed out. For further info see Temperature). So, regarding survival it may not be a bad idea to head somewhere that has temperatures lower tha
n -20°C. Surviving in these conditions will have its own problems, but with a lack of zombies to contend with in the snow-covered poles it is not really my concern how you get on once you’ve made the decision to go there.

  I will, however, point out that the best form of abode in an area covered with snow and ice is an igloo. The construction material is easily accessible, and the igloos themselves are warm and reliably strong (a correctly constructed igloo can hold the weight of a person standing on top). For further information on building these structures I suggest watching Nanook of the North.

  It is also worth pointing out that although an igloo is a perfect abode when in a frozen wasteland, we would not recommend attempting to build one in any other locale. Even if you are holed up in the freezer department of Farmfoods. It will be a waste of time and water.

  IKEA

  Oh, for those halcyon days of having a solid oak desk to barricade a door with. Now, due to mass consumerism and a flat-pack culture, the very company we revere for its designer simplicity may be our downfall, due to substandard barricades. The interior design and decoration gods of Sweden cannot be held completely to blame, though. Look me in the eye and tell me you always read the instructions on how to put your furniture together properly. Really? Really?! So you’re telling me that there’s never one screw left over that you’re not quite sure where it goes so you just leave it out! Do you realise that by doing this you may have condemned yourself to death? That when you place your bookshelf against the door, that missing screw could be the difference between a solid barricade or the whole thing collapsing on itself! So, in fact, it’s not Ikea’s fault at all – it’s your shoddy workmanship!