Dr Dale’s Zombie Dictionary

by Dr Dale Seslick

  She is also always so upbeat and jolly that she would be the perfect companion to have along for the journey to keep up the team morale. She’ll regale you with fascinating tales of her life – releasing cheetahs into the wilds of Namibia or guest-hosting The Paul O’Grady Show. Also, as a result of being involved in secret government testing, she can hear any sound regardless of distance, volume or frequency, is imbued with great strength and can move up to speeds of over 200mph (that last bit might actually be the bionic woman, but you never know with Lorraine).

  LOVE

  All you need is love.

  No. All you need is three years’ worth of supplies within a steel-walled and heavily secured safe house that has running water and electricity – along with a variety of effective weapons. Love is highly overrated in survival situations. Will love build a bridge? Not as efficiently as a team of construction operatives with pneumatic tools.

  MAGIC

  The apocalypse is upon us! Quick, to King’s Cross and all aboard the train for Hogwarts! Harry will save us!

  I hate to break it to you at this point, guys, but there is no Hogwarts and there is no Harry Potter; they’re both actually just a little bit fictional.

  However, I am loath to admit that there is the very slight possibility of some form of magic being involved in the raising of the dead. This is actually only very very very very very very slight and is only worth mentioning just briefly due to how very very slight the possibility may be (I think I mentioned it was slight).

  If our undead plague is down to Supernatural Zombies (see Classification) then there could be the (slight) possibility that someone has got their necromancy mojo on and has decided to cast some all-powerful spell to enable the dead to walk the earth. Now, the reason that I say that this is only a slight possibility (I think I did mention that it was slight) is because it hasn’t happened yet. If there was some incantation that made corpses walk then you’d think one of the millions of power-crazed loons and unstable megalomaniacs who inhabit this little planet of ours would have been unable to resist the temptation to unleash all hell upon mankind and make themselves the emperor of Earth.

  Also, a cursory glance through the Encyclopedia of Spells and a quick Google of ‘spells to raise the dead’ reveals nothing (although apparently you can find love by using an old sock and some pubic hair). So either there isn’t a spell to raise the dead or those in the know ain’t talking and are guarding this immense power with their lives. Either way, this means the possibility of using magic to raise the dead is very slight. Very slight. Very, very slight. I don’t know if I mentioned it’s slight. Very.

  MARTIAL ARTS

  Everybody was kung-fu fighting. Ha! Hu cha! So says Carl Douglas, and if he is to be believed they were also fast as lightning (ha, hu cha!), but how useful will being a master in the martial arts be during a zombie apocalypse? Well, in some cases, good. In some cases, bad. Isn’t that always the case?

  Contrary to popular belief, the term ‘martial arts’ does not just refer to any Eastern form of fighting technique but more specifically to any discipline in the form of combat and hand-to-hand warfare (Mars is the God of War – hence martial arts), including boxing and fencing. So is it handy to have one, or some, or all of the different forms of martial arts in your sll set?

  Yes, having the discipline to learn these arts certainly shows that you will have an aptitude for survival and will also, no doubt, have greater physical stamina because of it. But let us not forget how a zombie is destroyed. That’s right, you need to eliminate the brain. So, although hand-to-hand combat may be an asset when attempting to keep an attacking corpse at bay it’s not really going to cut the mustard when it comes to smushing the brain.

  Now, I’m sure there are those martial artists out there who assure me that they could crush a zombie’s skull with their bare hands – after all, we’ve seen little Japanese men chop through six-foot blocks of concrete before so I’ve no doubt it’s possible. But please, a brain is squishy and messy. Do you really want to drive your bare hand, with force, into a brain? The mess will go all over the place – and it’s unlikely you’ll have running water to clean up with afterwards.

  Besides the mess, it’s not actually very safe either. The brain is in the head which is quite near the mouth, and the last thing you want to do is get bitten. But if you’re waving your hand around near a zombie’s face then that could very well be what happens. Even if your knuckle nicks the old dead boy’s tooth whilst you smack him in the face, that’s still a bite as far as we’re concerned.

  So, no matter how much you want to show off, close combat hand-to-hand is not recommended when dealing with zombies. The martial arts you need to utilise are the weapon-based ones: fencing or Gatka, Kendo, Eskrima or Jukendo. The majority of these disciplines focus on the use of bladed weaponry. However, once the discipline is mastered you can use any weapon within the structure of the art – be it golf clubs, baseball bats, standard lamps, small children or chairs. Each will be equally effective as a sword in both offensive and defensive manoeuvres.

  NOTE: This segment should not be confused with the marital arts which is really mummy and daddy code for sexy time. Go and get your kicks somewhere else, you freak.

  MEDITATION

  OK, so you need to relieve the obvious stress and tensions that will affect us all during the zombie apocalypse. I understand that. A calm and peaceful mind will do a much more effective job than a tightly wound and neurotic one. So, you just take all the time you need and close your eyes. That’s it. Close your eyes and imagine yourself on a beautiful sun-drenched beach. You can hear the waves from the crystal blue waters lapping against the almost white sand as overhead the clouds just drift on slowly by and… No, just ignore that noise. That was just the house resettling. Yes, I know it sounded like footsteps outside the door but it was just a floorboard. Now, keep your eyes closed and let’s get back to that beach… No, I didn’t hear it again, now you’re just imagining things. Keep your eyes closed and just drift, drift, imagine yourself floating… Yes, I’m sure there’s nothing outside.

  If there was a zombie outside do you think I’d have you sitting there in the lotus position with your eyes closed thinking about frigging palm trees and milky coconuts? No! I’d be yelling my head off trying to get you to help stop the thing ripping our limbs off and pulling our intestines out and drenching the walls and ceilings and floors with dark crimson blood and offal. So just close your frigging eyes and get back to the buggering beach!

  OK! It’s sunny,clouds are drifting and the water’s lapping at your feet! See? That didn’t take long, did it? I’m sure you feel so much better now. Hang on, I’ll just light one of these jasmine and peach candles to enhance the mood.

  MEMORY

  It’s midnight and there’s seemingly not a sound from the pavement (or so Elaine Paige would have us believe). The moon may not have lost her memory, but the undead certainly have. It is extremely important to remember that once a person becomes a zombie they will retain no knowledge of their previous life as a human. This means that they will not remember who they were, they will not remember who you are, and they will not remember how to use doors, guns, ladders, the TV remote, a Rubik’s cube or be able to play Sudoku. You will not be able to appeal to their better nature or their human side because they will not have one. They will have forgotten it. They will have no memory. But (and it’s a big but) BUT (sorry, there we go. That’s a big but – the other but was just a regular sized but – maybe I should make my point more clearly) BUT (now that’s a big but – and we like big buts, I cannot lie…) even though a zombie may not retain its human memories, it may have subliminal memories of certain aspects of its human existence. What do we mean by that? I shall explain…

  The undead may be drawn to buildings or places that they visited on a regular basis – for example, shopping centres, places of work, pubs, and Taiwanese massage parlours. They won’t know why they feel the need to go there, but through their s
ubliminal thoughts they will be drawn to those places. This is also more likely if the place was known for drawing large crowds of people. The zombie’s animal instinct will be telling it to go there as it knows there will be people to chomp on.

  The undead may also show the tendency to repeat actions that they carried out repetitively whilst alive. If a zombie was a petrol pump attendant it may stand and remove and replace the pump from the stand repeatedly if it has nothing else to do. Again, it wouldn’t know why it was doing it and it would soon stop if potential victims came along. The brain may retain these actions purely because they were carried out so often.

  This finally leads us to the most disturbing thought – that maybe, just maybe, a zombie will recognise a loved one. Surely if they remember the way to the mall or how to use a petrol pump they will remember the person they’ve been married to for twenty years and they may go to a place they know that person would be?

  Remember that although they’ll go to the mall, they won’t know why. They operate the petrol pump, but they don’t know why. So, they may recognise your face, but they won’t know why. All they will know is that their subliminal memory has led them to you and they will bite you. So much for twenty years of happy marriage.

  MIGRATION

  It all sounds very David Attenborough when you start talking about the migration habits of the undead. Perhaps you should imagine him reading this to you in his halting, whispery, husky tones – just to imbue the added weight of experience to the account. Or maybe you could imagine it being read by David Bellamy because he talks about migration too. Or if you’ve got an active imagination and you’re in the mood, maybe you could picture some sultry sexpot reading it to you – Angelina Jolie or Brad Pitt. Maybe they’re smearing you in chocolate sauce and honey whilst they’re reading and maybe they’re wearing a very tight thong or are completely naked. Maybe David Atte is there watching you and he’s in a thong or naked too and he’s narrating what’s going on in his halting, whispery, husky tones to a live studio audience who are all naked as well. Smearing each other with large vats of chocolate sauce and honey.

  Or we could just dispense with all of that and get on with the bit about migration.

  The one driving force behind a zombie is a need to bite and kill. But what do they do when there are no more folks to nibble on? Well…nothing really. If there is nothing for a zombie to attack it will do one of two things: it will either stand around and do nothing just swaying on the spot, slowly rotting away until something grabs its attention, or it will wander off in search of more survivors.

  Zombies are not social creatures but they do have a tendency to group in hordes. It is not known why they do this but you can be assured it is unlikely to be anything to do with finding safety in numbers or because they’re looking for a decent fourth to have a good game of bridge. It is more likely that if one zombie moves the others assume that it has got the scent of prey and they trust that they will be lead to some nice tasty human flesh. Just because zombies are seen to ‘horde’ that does not mean you should become complacent in seemingly abandoned areas. Some of the undead may have become distracted and left behind by the rest of the group and be standing loitering in a dark corner. Silently. Unmoving. Maybe naked. Just waiting to be aroused. But not by David Bellamy and a tub of chocolate sauce.

  MOBILE TELEPHONE

  Let’s just get this clear. I’m talking about the plain old bog-standard mobile telephone. It doesn’t matter that it has Internet access, inbuilt iTunes, a satnav, diaries, television, DVD player and the solution to all third-world debts. That is not a mobile telephone, that is the beginning of the Skynet revolution (see Robots). The focus today will be on the simple mobile telephone, an item which most of us in the Western world now possess.

  Mobile networks are serviced by computer-run satellites so it’s likely they will still be up and running some way into the apocalypse. This means that as long as you keep your phone charged and topped up with credit (if that’s the kind of contract you’re on) then you should have a useful tool for discovering the whereabouts of members of your social and business network who have survived. You can then keep in touch with them and find out what’s happening in other parts of the city/country/world whilst staying in the relative safety of your own sanctuary. It is also possible to carry on this communication network by text so you don’t even have to vocalise and worry about the issue of making a noise that could attract the undead to your whereabouts. Unless… unless…you forgot to switch your phone to silent!

  Those of you who have sat in a cinema or theatre and had to suffer the embarrassment of your mobile suddenly ringing during a performance have some understanding of the potential horror scenario. Remember all that tutting from the other members of the audience? Remember how some of them turned and glowered at you? Well, it will be just like that, except that you will also be ripped limb from limb.

  Picture the scene. The apocalypse has begun and you’ve taken my advice to hide immediately. You have found a reasonable place to conceal yourself and don’t envisage any of the dead finding you anytime soon. You’ll just sit back and… Now imagine the Nokia theme tune blaring at top volume. You frantically grab for your pocket, but as is always the case with the d thing being so small, you can’t find it! Oh! Now it’s tangled up in your keys and it’s still ringing! Too late, the undead have been alerted to your whereabouts and whilst you’ve been preoccupied with trying to find your phone and turn it off they have descended upon your position. They grab you, bite you, tear you up and kill you – and all because you didn’t turn your phone to silent. The added irony of it all? The call was from your network provider enquiring if you were happy with their service. You wouldn’t know that though because they withheld their number. And didn’t leave a message. I hate it when they do that.

  MONEY

  ‘He who has money can eat sherbet in hell’

  Old Lebanese proverb

  As we all know, when the apocalypse comes there will be no more room in hell, as that is why the dead are walking the earth and that’s probably why they’re hungry for flesh, because they can’t get into hell to get at their sherbet so there’s a sugar rush to fill. My point is (and I do have one) if you can’t get into hell to get any of the lovely sherbet they have on offer then what is the use of having money when you’re alive?

  Of course, you need money now. How else would you be able to pay your bills, eat and purchase my next book (Zombie Dictionary – The Other 36 Letters of the Alphabet You Didn’t Know About). But when the apocalypse is upon us money will become the least valuable commodity there is. So on hearing of the rising of the dead don’t rush out to the nearest ATM, because all your cash will be good for is burning. During the apocalypse we will regress back into a life of bartering and trading goods so you need to make sure that you have the best goods to trade if you want to gain a position of power in this apocalyptic age.

  Stop! Get off eBay right this second! When I say you need the best goods I don’t mean a 72-inch plasma-screen TV. Again, as a status symbol for these current times it may be something that a fair few people covet, but when battling the undead and trying to survive some things will be slightly more important. Weapons, livestock, food, clean water – and what about those things that all the others have forgotten? Cigarettes? Alcohol? Toilet paper? Not exactly essentials, but can you imagine a world where you couldn’t sit on a toilet with a bottle of brandy and a Regal King-size, safe in the knowledge that you would have a clean bottom once you finished? It is these things that you should begin to stockpile, along with your own personal supplies. These are the items that will allow you to purchase food, fuel and wives when you are running low.

  Don’t forget about life after the apocalypse either. Once all the zombies are dead and civilisation begins to rebuild itself, your stock-piled supplies will become more readily available to the general public so you need a back-up plan to ensure that your prosperity continues way into the future. This prosperity will
lie with precious metals and gems. Gold and diamonds will still retain their value after the apocalypse as high-end bargaining chips purely due to their rarity.

  JEWELLERY

  Jewellery is small so easily transportable and you’ll be able to keep some with you. That is why it is always worth checking the bodies of any zombies you have destroyed to see if they have anything ofworth that you can take from their pockets. Although this may seem a little mercenary now, I can assure you it will be perfectly acceptable practice during a zombie outbreak and no one will think any less of you for robbing corpses (as long as you never let anyone catch you).

  MORSE CODE

  Dot dash dot dot dot dash dash dot dot dash dash dot dash dot dot dash dash dash dot dot dash dot cotton dash.

  It is unlikely that many of you will be able to make much sense of what I have just written – even I can’t make much sense of what I have just written.