Morse code is one of the most well-known codes in existence. Some of you may not understand the relevance of using code during the apocalypse – after all, the use of codes came about purely so that our wartime enemies could not decipher our messages to each other and during the apocalypse this will not be necessary as zombies don’t particularly care that the eagle is going to fly at noon. On the contrary, it is wise to keep your Morse skills up to date as a more subtle means of communication. Zombies will react to the sound of human voices whether they are ‘live’ or transmitted across a radio. Therefore, if you have to make long-range communication, do it in the least vocal way possible: by using Morse code.
NOTE: If you do not have an electronic device that will send Morse code then don’t just say ‘dot dot dash’ into a radio. That is still using your voice and so will somewhat defeat the object of the exercise. You might as well just speak. Or stab yourself in the eye for even thinking of doing that in the first place.
MUSICAL INSTRUMENTS
Although someone once said something about music soothing the savage beast (could have been Shakespeare or maybe Barry Manilow), it is not a wise move to play any form of music at all during an apocalypse. The unfamiliar and melodic noises are liable to attract the undead but without the added bonus of the aforementioned soothing effects. No matter how practised you are in the art of playing a musical instrument, a zombie will still kill you (everyone’s a critic). There is no need to throw your trombone straight into the bin though, as certain musical instruments may have a dual purpose and can be used as a weapon too.
Here we will look at how weapon techniques can be applied to various instruments. Take note that these are just suggestions that we have tested on members of the School of Survival; there may be other techniques you can come up with yourself that will work just as effectively. Feel free to freestyle and jam around a bit when using musical instruments as weapons.
Guitar
The effectiveness of a guitar depends on exactly which type of guitar you are planning to use. Acoustic guitars are generally hollow so will be highly ineffective as battering weapons as they will most likely fall apart on first impact. In contrast, the electric guitar is more solid and will withstand more hits and be capable of lasting until several of the undead have had their heads staved in.
The effectiveness of any guitar as a bludgeoning weapon is all dependent on the strength and length of the neck and heel/neck joint. Bear in mind that steel-stringed guitars have a stronger structural design in order to cope with the additional tension of the teel strings. But don’t dismiss the acoustic guitar just yet. With slight adaptation the headstock can be whittled down in order to make the instrument into a pointy jabbing weapon or increasing the tension of the strings can turn it into a large bow to fire arrows, twigs, pencils and trumpets at the undead (this technique can also be applied to other smaller string instruments like violins).
Harp
Another stringed instrument. Once again this could be used as a bludgeoning weapon depending on its size and your strength, or as a ‘bow’ to catapult items long distances towards zombies. But it will ultimately be more effective, with the correct adjustments, as a zombie slicer.
Similar to an egg-slicing utensil, the strings of the harp are tough enough to swipe down through a zombie, thus cutting him into nice equal strips that you could lay on a ham sandwich if you were that way inclined.
Piano
Frankly, more practical as a barricade item as the weight and size of most pianos is enough to keep any door sealed. However, should you find that you are in need of a weapon, the piano can be broken down into segments and any of the large pieces used as bats (especial y the lid from an upright or legs from a grand). Alternatively, those of you who are particularly fond of Laurel and Hardy films can use the piano to crush your enemy.
This is by no means a foolproof plan, as dropping large, irregularly shaped items on zombies does not necessarily mean that the brain will be destroyed. However, if you do retain part of the instrument prior to dropping it you will still have a batting weapon should the crushing technique not work.
Drums
There are over 45 different varieties of drums that are all constructed from different materials and components so it is difficult to generalise the use of this percussion instrument as a weapon. The majority of drums will be more effective as a defensive weapon than a damage-dealing one. Due to their size and shape, they are ideal for use as a shield to shove zombies away with.
The larger drums can also be used to restrain zombies by placing them over the zombie’s head with force so the drum encircles its upper body thus rendering its arms useless. If you have a drum kit, it is the accessories that will be more useful as damage-dealing weapons. You can use the stands and sticks as stabbing weapons and the cymbals as large circular throwing discs (cymbals can be sharpened around the edges in order to be more effective).
Kazoo
There is a little-known technique to using a kazoo in times of crisis. Firstly, place the kazoo carefully in the centre of a table. Then, standing next to the table, place your hands on your hips. Now, repeatedly bash your face onto the table where the kazoo is sitting while repeating these words: ‘Why do I own a kazoo? Why do I own a kazoo? Why do I own a kazoo?’ Stop when you are unconscious or dead.
NAMES
‘I have destroyed over 1000 of the undead. I have helped hundreds of survivors. I have fortified a city and helped to rebuild civilisation. I shall go down in history as a savior of mankind. For I am Cyril Leopold Catherine Twitterbumfrog III.’
Names are a funny old thing. We don’t choose them, but we are stuck with them for our entire life and have to make the best of them. Very rarely do people make the effort to go and change their name – we all prefer to honour our parents’ decision and stick with the moniker we’ve been blessed with.
The problem with names, though, is that they encourage us to form preconceptions about people before we’ve even met them. Take this example. You have heard of a team of survivors across town who have a large supply of weapons that they are willing to share with other survivors. All you have to do is head down to the old cinema complex, knock on the back fire exit and ask for their leader, Tarquin.
Now, it’s quite possible that Tarquin is a strapping seven-foot ex-wrestler who is built like the proverbial brick toilet block, but that doesn’t stop you imagining him sitting on a chaise draped in chiffon, listening to Noël Coward music playing on an old gramophone whilst sipping herbal tea – purely because he has the name Tarquin. Likewise, if the leader of this team was a woman named Shaz, most people would assume that this Shaz was unlikely to be a middle-aged woman who enjoyed knitting and the books of Agatha Christie, and was much more likely to have an affinity for tracksuits and White Lightning.
Names can also instil confidence in people. When it comes to crunch time, would you be more liable to vote for a man called Walter Shufflebottom to lead your team to glory on the battlefield against the undead or are you going to choose the chap who happens to be called Jack Power? With this in mind, you need to take a moment to assess your own name. Is it the kind of name that a leader would have? Is it the kind of name that will encourage men and women to follow you blindly into battle and trust your every decision? Is it a name that fits comfortably in front of the title ‘Destroyer of Zombies’? If not, then as soon as the apocalypse begins you need to change it. (Don’t bother changing it now. It will require you to do all kinds of pointless paperwork in order to get your bank accounts, bills, passports etc. in order. Time that could be better spent training. When the apocalypse comes you won’t need to worry about the legal aspect of changing your name. As there won’t be much law, you can just do it.)
The rule of thumb when picking a new name is that it needs to be short (this will make it quick and easy for your teammates to call out warnings to you); it needs to be memorable (so that people will be able to pass stories on about your prowess in battle); a
nd it can’t be too self-indulgent. Brad ‘High Lord of the Urban Zones, Killer of a Thousand Brains and Destroyer of the Undead’ may seem like a cool name now but when the apocalypse is finally over you’ll find it a bugger when you have to start filling in job applications and writing cheques.
NAZI ZOMBIES
Let’s be honest, no matter how much we desensitise ourselves to the walking dead, zombies are pretty terrifying really. They are almost unstoppable, attack en masse, feel no pain and could be a loved one or family member. At the very least, the thought of zombies is quite grim. However, despite this fact, there are still media executives sitting in shiny offis worldwide trying to find ways to make zombies more frightening.
‘Hey,’ one of these executives might say at one of these meetings. ‘We’ve got a new movie coming out but we need to find a way to make these zombies a bit more terrifying than your average zombies.’
‘How about making them into clowns?’ another executive might suggest.
‘Been done in Zombieland and Left 4 Dead 2,’ someone else would point out. Then they’d all look thoughtful for a moment until one of them bangs his fist on the desk.
‘Got it!’
‘Hey! Bob’s got an idea!’
‘Well – and run with me on this – what’s a really scary thing? You know, totally scarier than anything else you ever thought of?’
‘Your wife first thing in the morning?’ They would then all guffaw and punch each other on the arm and make manly bonding sounds and nudge-wink faces. Once this has subsided the conversation would continue.
‘Go on, Bob, we’re listening.’
‘Nazis!’
‘Nazis?’
‘Zombie Nazis!’
‘Wow, Bob – I think you may just have come up with the winner!’
‘Let’s put it to a focus group!’
‘To hell with a focus group – let’s do it!’
‘Jeez, I feel good – let’s go grab a steak and kill a hooker.’
‘High five!’
This is obviously only an estimation of how the conversation may go and I, of course, have no definitive proof that media executives either eat steak or kill hookers – but my point is (and I do have one): is there any need to make zombies any scarier than they already are?
The fact is that Nazis weren’t really very nice people – what with their xenophobia and silly moustaches and all. But if you turn one into a zombie they’re not going to be any different than any other zombie – they are still going to want to kill and bite everyone they see. The only difference between a Nazi zombie and any other zombie is that the Nazi zombie would be wearing a Nazi uniform and there’s not many people who walk the streets in Nazi uniforms in this day and age – because the general populace doesn’t really like Nazis. So if you are a Nazi you’re not actually going to advertise it by goose-stepping around in jodhpurs. The only folks who are likely to wear Nazi uniforms are people going to fancy dress parties or cast members from West End musicals. So instead of a terrifying army of Third Reich undead marching down the street towards you, you’ll have Peter Kay or Gary Beach dressed in a sequined Hitler costume shambling along followed by a chorus of scantily clad German Beer Wenches. The point is that it’s not really possible to make zombies any scarier than they already are – apart from if the Wheelers from Return to Oz became zombies – now that would be scary.
NEWS (TELEVISION)
‘Welcome back to the most cutting edge news show on TV at the moment. It’s the actual news, but edgier. I’m Bob Gold and later on we’ll be talking to various experts about the apparent rise of the undead, but first this live report from Cynthia, who’s on the spot at a local hospital. Cynthia?’
‘Thanks, Bob! Despite the information we received from the most esteemed experts on the walking dead, here I am right at the edge of danger, ready to pick up multiple awards for my truthful, honest and daring news reporting tactics in a hospital that is currently being overrun by zombies. Look! There! A small child crying alone in a corner right where I placed him earlier. If that’s not thought-provoking reporting I don’t know what is. Back to you.’
‘Thanks, Cynthia, we’ll be back with you later. But first here’s Graham with a large 3D graph.’
‘Thanks, Bob, I also have a 3D pie chart too and a map of the world with big red blobs on it.’
‘Insightful. What does it mean?’
‘That we used up a fair whack of our yearly budget on pointless effects that have required us to lay off some of the cleaning staff.’
‘But our viewers must see the truth in computer-generated graphics otherwise it won’t make sense.’
‘Absolutely – back to you Bob.’
‘Thanks, Graham, now back to Cynthia at the local hospital to see how things are progressing.’
‘Oh god… Oh god… They’re dead… They’re all dead and they’re coming back to life! One of them’s attacking Tom the Camera Guy! You’ve got to get me out of here! Oh no! Get them away from me! I’m going to die! Help! Bob!’
‘Cynthia’s going to die. You heard it here first and if that’s not cutting edge I don’t know what is. In a moment we’ll be getting views on the escalating rise of the undead from the Minister for Bread, the outraged leader of a minority group and Sandi Toksvig. But first, the weather.’
‘In 3D, Bob!’
‘Yes, in 3D.’
NOISE
To avoid attracting the undead to your location you should make as little noise as possible – of course, we all know that.
You will also have to rely more heavily on your senses during the apocalypse. For instance, being able to recognise particular noises will be a skill that will be invaluable to you when attempting to survive.
A zombie’s guttural moan is quite distinctive. It is not known whether the noise is made on purpose or whether it is merely caused by the air passing through its slowly rotting vocal chords. But a zombie does make this noise and if you hear it, you will know that a member of the undead is nearby.
You may think it will be easy to recognise this particular sound and you’re probably right. When you’re in the middle of a deserted city and you hear a moan,ou can pretty much guarantee that it will be a zombie heading in your direction… Or will it? Could it be another wounded survivor moaning in pain? You wouldn’t want to call off a scavenging mission to collect food that could save your team from death just because you heard an old man groaning about a cramped leg.
It is true that the groans of the undead will sound very similar to the groans of a human being – but if we listen very carefully to the two you will notice a distinct difference.
Tests have been carried out on how the vocal chords operate and once they begin to degrade they operate in a different way. Now, I’m not exactly sure how this is going to translate to the written word, but believe me, when you listen to the examples it’s quite obvious to hear the tonal differences between healthy vocal chords operating and dead ones.
A healthy human moaning in pain would sound like this: Ooooooh. Whereas a zombie would sound like this: Oooooourgh.
Let’s listen to that again.
Healthy: Oooooooh.
Zombie: Oooooourgh.
Are you getting this?
Healthy: Oooooooh.
Zombie: Oooooourgh.
…this isn’t really working, is it? Perhaps if you tried to emulate the sounds as they’re written… No…no, that’s no good. Look, I’m just going to have to finish this segment here. What started off as quite a serious point has just been turned into a complete mockery. Maybe if you did your own tests on degraded vocal chords that might help. Just go down the hospital and see if you can borrow a cadaver. Hey! Look! I’m just trying to salvage my point here! Don’t look at me like that! Fine, we’ll just skip it – zombie noises aren’t that important anyway.
NUDITY
I think we’ve already established that nudity is not the best way to present yourself during a zombie apocalypse. However, the zombie
s you encounter in an apocalypse may well be naked and you need to be prepared for that fact.
When the zombie infection first takes hold, and nobody realises what is going on, most people who are feeling ill will go to bed. People tend to wear very little, if anything, in bed, especially if they are running a fever. There is a good chance then, that many people will die naked and thus they will be reanimated naked – and I can assure you that these undead will have absolutely no shame when it comes to flaunting themselves for all to see. They won’t be bothered about slipping on a pair of slacks and a cardie before leaving the house. Their state of undress will not deter them from coming at you and you don’t want to let this fact be your downfall.
Nudity can be somewhat distracting (especially if it’s someone you know) so you need to repare yourself. Not only will the undead be attempting to take a chunk out of you, but their naughty bits will be flapping in the breeze too. If your attacker is naked then just follow some simple rules:
Remember, whether you have nudity to contend with or not, your prime objective is still the same – to destroy the brain. Do not be put off from that task by embarrassment, awkwardness or penis envy.
Keep eye contact with your attacker; this will stop you becoming distracted by any endowments that the zombie could have.
Dr Dale’s Zombie Dictionary Page 13