The God Help Me Zone
When all else fails, turn to God. If the authorities and medical science can’t supply the answers then turn to the deity who is to blame and has the power to save us from everything. Even the non-religious find time for prayer when all else has failed, and houses of worship for all denominations will become overcrowded with over-emotional people seeking redemption and hope. The consolation is that in these areas religious buildings have always been built as sanctuaries and will likely be able to keep the undead out for a reasonable period of time – if the people within are sensible enough to keep the doors closed. However, it only takes one good Samaritan to let a victim who has been bitten into the building and the whole situation will go tits up (although you wouldn’t refer to the situation in that manner in a place of religious worship as tits is somewhat of an ungodly word).
Those who will have resorted to taking shelter in a church will also be at the stage of complete panic or complete resignation and are liable to be wailing and moaning. The noise is likely to attract the attention of the walking dead who, although they may not be able to get into the building, will make it pretty damn difficult for anyone to get out. Places of worship are not well known for stocking large quantities of food (unless wine and very thin slices of bread are favourites of yours) so eventually those inside will either starve to death or die attempting to get supplies.
In essence, a panic zone is a place that is overrun with the unprepared general public when the apocalypse is in its early stages. Anywhere that stupid people are liable to head should be avoided at all costs. As we all know, the first thing you should do is get inside and lie low (preferably on a higher floor in a secure building, but sometimes beggars can’t be choosers). Panic zones are not to be confused with ‘infection hotspots’. These are areas that are already crowded prior to anyone having knowledge of the apocalypse (e.g. music concerts, sporting events, lecture halls and theatres). Some of these could make excellent safe houses when abandoned but if they are full during an outbreak, can become infection hotspots. And what’s a hotspot not? I think we all know the answer to that one.
PHOBIAS
Necrophobia is the fear of death and dead things; hence, if you are afraid of zombies you are a sufferer of necrophobia. Obviously you’re not afraid of the dead, otherwise you wouldn’t have bought this book – but you must be afraid of dying or you wouldn’t have bought this book. Technically, that would make you a half a necrophobic – afraid of death but not dead things – a rophobic if you will. But we’ll soon cure that, as you’re not going to die because you bought this book.
Phobias are a serious problem for a lot of people and when we talk about a phobia we don’t just mean you saw a tiny spider and squeaked like a girl and jumped on a chair. A true phobic is paralysed by their particular fear and goes cold at the very thought of it, and sweats and shakes beyond control. These are the kind of phobias that need sorting out before the apocalypse begins as debilitating fear will almost certainly affect how you react in certain situations.
Those with acrophobiawill not be able to secure themselves in buildings with any height. Pathophobics, bacteriophobics, verminophobics and mysophobics will be completely incapable of coping with cities in ruin and the lack of hygiene and order. Hemophobics will find it difficult to do any killing and dendrophobics won’t be able to take cover in a forest. If you believe for one second that your irrational phobia will hinder your survival in any way then you must become cured immediately. No! Not later! Now! Put the book down and deal with your mental problems before it gets you killed. This isn’t something that can take weeks in therapy either. What if the apocalypse were to start tomorrow? You need to be ready! So, if you are afraid of spiders you need to get down to your local pet shop and buy a tarantula. Go on! And don’t come back until you’ve got one…
Got one? Good, we’re going to deal with this problem immediately. There are no small steps to be taken. I want you to take that tarantula out of its carrier bag and put it in your mouth. There we go! You’re cured! Hello? Hello! Oh! You can take it out now. See, that wasn’t too hard, was it? You are now cured of your fear even though you may very well be scarred for life. The fact that you overcame a silly little phobia speaks volumes for your strength of character. At least yours was a serious phobia – some spiders can actually be dangerous! Think of the poor sods who suffer from alektorophobia (chickens) porphyrophobia (the colour purple – the actual colour of purple, not the film) and coulrophobia (fear of clowns). And don’t even get me started on genophobics – who knows what I would have made them put in their mouths.
PHYSICAL AILMENTS
Any kind of physical ailment is liable to slow down your progress in surviving a zombie apocalypse, be it a minor case of indigestion or a complete lack of legs. Either way you’re just going to have to suck it up and get on with it if you want any hope of surviving at all. Anyone can survive a zombie apocalypse. It’s not about your physical capabilities, it’s about your knowledge and how you use it. And the knowledge that physical ailments pass on to the undead is good to know.
Death is not a magical cure for all physical ailments, and if you have kidney stones when alive, unless something is done about them, they will remain when you are dead – and hence when you are undead too. But although kidney stones might be painful to a living human, they are not going to affect a zombie who is impervious to pain, so that piece of knowledge isn’t particularly important.
Here’s the important bit: if a person is blind in life, if they are bitten and become a zombie they’ll be blind too. If a person is deaf in life, once reanimated as a zombie they will still be deaf. If a person is paralysed then it figures that when transformed the zombie will also be paralysed. So, should you know the person who has been transformed and know of any physical ailments they possessed in life, this may give you the edge you need to defeat them.
This is also true of age. Becoming a member of the undead does not suddenly imbue you with superhuman strength. A child zombie will still only have the strength they had when a child and, likewise, an older zombie may suffer from advanced joint problems if they’ve not been taking their cod liver oil regularly.
Being aware of this will enable you to make informed decisions regarding the safest place to secure yourself and scavenge, as you must also know your own capabilities. (See Demographics). If you are not the kind of person who could survive a fight with a gang of football hooligans, don’t go to a otball stadium. Likewise, if you really don’t feel you have the physical strength to take on a horde of old ladies, steer clear of bingo halls.
PIXIES
Don’t exist.
PLANE
OK, before anyone says anything, I realise that technically this should have fallen under the entry ‘Aeroplane’ and that by placing it here people may be confused and think I was going to talk about the plane that is actually a tool for shaving wood, or indeed the River Plane in Germany.
Unfortunately, due to the space constraints under A, there wasn’t any room to fit in a segment to talk about aeroplanes. But there are some important points to be made so I am left with no choice but to write about it here under the abbreviated title of ‘Plane’.
So my apologies to those who believed they would learn some interesting weapon techniques for the humble plane (tool, not the river) or to those who were hoping to find suitable areas of sanctuary along the side of the Plane (river, not the tool) because this segment is going to be entirely dedicated to the kind of plane that flies in the air – or known by its full name – the aeroplane… Well, that’s what the segment would have been about if I hadn’t run out of space again.
POPULATION (DENSITY)
Don’t go to Dhaka in the event of a zombie apocalypse. If you are in Dhaka in the event of a zombie apocalypse, get out immediately. In fact, if you are in Dhaka at this very moment then book your tickets out of there now. As Dhaka has a population of almost seven million it may be quite difficult to get a bus once
the apocalypse has begun and even if you do you’ll probably have to stand, which can cause cramping during long-haul journeys.
Dhaka, in Bangladesh, is the most densely populated city in the world, closely followed by Manila, in the Philippines. Of course, when attempting to avoid being bitten by the undead the fewer people who are around to be transformed into zombies the better. It is a common misconception that we should look at the population when assessing the safety of an area during a zombie apocalypse. If this were the case, with a population of 6,733,164,238 we should consider getting off planet Earth and maybe moving somewhere with a few less people, like the sun. No! Population density is where it’s at when trying to keep safe (not to be confused with population dentistry, which is how we keep the world’s teeth safe).
We all know that the People’s Republic of China is the most populated country in the world, with a whopping 1,331,650,000 citizens (and if you didn’t know that you should visit Wikipedia on a more regular basis). However, because of its sheer size this population is spread over a vast area (3,705,407 square miles) making it number 75 on the Most Densely Populated Countries in the World chart (similar to the music chart but with less music and with more people counting and no platinum disc if you do really well).
This information means that, country-wise, the People’s Republic of China is actually a safer place to be in a zombie apocalypse than the United Kingdom (which comes in at number 52 with a population of almost 70 million over 93,800 square miles) or Guernsey and Jersey, which come in at 12th and 13th respectively (and that’s not inclung the cows).
It is worth noting though that whilst it is quite easy to come by statistics of the most densely populated areas – statistics on areas with the lowest population density are harder to come by. But simply using the word ‘city’ to describe an area should conjure up images of a lot of people milling about. To ensure that you are heading towards an area with low population density, look for words on a map like ‘village’, ‘hamlet’ or ‘swamp’.
POSITIVE THINKING
OK, so the majority of inspirational self-help gabble can be disregarded as complete bunkum and is best saved for scrawling across pictures of cute animals on the wall of mundane accountancy offices in middle-England. (Oh look! There’s a kitten hanging from a tree and underneath it says ‘Hang in there!’ Isn’t that cute? Although maybe someone should save the kitten before it falls and breaks its spine rather than taking a picture of it.)
There is something to be said for the power of positive thought though. Those with the ability to hold a cheery disposition and exude a proactive vibe will have a 70% higher chance of surviving the apocalypse, and that’s the same percentage as women who say they’ve had sexual health problems according to a survey conducted by Harris Interactive in 2010, so that must mean something.
You may think it will be difficult to stay positive when the world around you is turning to hell in a hand basket. But, as the old saying goes, every cloud has a silver lining; all you have to do is look for it. Here are a few examples of how to keep positive during the zombie apocalypse:
Situation: The undead have risen.
Positive thinking: You will no longer have to worry about paying utility bills or clearing the balance of your credit cards.
Situation: A loved one has been transformed into a zombie.
Positive thinking: One less present to buy at Christmas.
Situation: Your safe house is surrounded by zombies and you’ve run out of food.
Positive thinking: Think of the weight you’ll lose, and whilst you can’t go out, you can get on with the odd jobs you’ve been putting off, like regrouting the tiles in the bathroom.
Situation: Zombies have invaded your safe house and you have taken refuge in a very small cupboard.
Positive thinking: Now you’ve got some alone time you can start reassessing your life and maybe even make a start on that novel you’ve been thinking about. Plan out a synopsis and some character outlines by scratching notes onto the inside of the cupboard door with your fingernails.
Situation: You’ve been bitten and are going to die and turn into a zombie.
Positive thinking: Actually there’s nothing really positive about this for you. The only good thing about it is that the other members of your team won’t have to put up with your positive attitude anymore which was frankly quite annoying.
QUARANTINE
I think I may have already mentioned that there is no cure for the zombie virus. That means that allowing anyone near you who may even vaguely, possibly have been bitten by something that may or may not have been a zombie should be killed immediately. By killing their brain. In a fashion that kills them.
This means that you should disregard the idea of quarantine. It is a pointless endeavour with so many flaws. Even top-secret scientists with top-secret labs and top-secret quarantine chambers that are made from fully reinforced glass are not safe when operating quarantine procedures. Do you people not watch the movies?
Let’s look at an example. Let’s say that your brother may have been bitten. You’re not sure so you don’t want to kill his brain without positive proof. The only positive proof you’re going to get is when he finally transforms. Now, you could argue that all you would do is wait for him to get ill before taking the decision to dispose of him, but I’m not buying that. You’d only make the excuse that it could be a cold, or shock, or heroin addiction that was making him turn pale and shake. You’d wait until he actually died before contemplating any brain killing. But here are some points to take into consideration:
Do you have a glass room where you can contain him and also watch him continually at the same time? No? So you’re planning to just tie him to a chair and lock him in a room without 24-hour surveillance leaving the possibility that he may die and reanimate and escape and kill you all before anyone notices. Oh! That wasn’t the plan? You were going to tie him to a chair in a locked room and rotate surveillance on him by actually being in the room. As in, be in the room with someone who isn’t a zombie and thus cut down on the people guarding the safe house against actual real zombies? OK, no, sorry, I wasn’t being condescending, that sounds really sensible.
So when he dies, you’re going to go right up to his body and check his pulse just to make sure he’s dead even though you don’t know how quickly he’s going to reanimate. You’re not? So how do you know he’s dead? He may just be sleeping and then if you shoot him you could be killing someone who wasn’t dead. Oh! You’re going to wait until he reanimates! Even though he may immediately come round and attack you and will be moving erratically making it more difficult to guarantee a head shot. Plus, if you don’t have a long-range weapon you’re going to have to get up close and put yourself at risk of being bitten. And then you may sustain a wound that may or may not be a bite and the whole damn quarantine rigmarole will have to begin all over again. Do you really want me to adopt this sarcastic tone again and explain for a second time everything that could possibly go wrong with using quarantines?
ESCAPEES
Even if you do have a reinforced glass quarantine chamber in a secret lab, stop using it now. The zombie will always escape. I don’t care how safe you think it is. It will escape. Always! Listen to me! Right! Fine! Kill yourself. See if I care.
QUESTIONNAIRE
We’re over halfway through the book now, so let’s see what you’ve learnt so far in this short but revealing questionnaire. Answer as truthfully and honestly as possible and don’t cheat by looking at the answers first.
Question One
You are sitting outside having a skinny latte and chocolate muffin at an Italian style patisserie in the middle of an urban area when you receive word that the dead have started to rise. What is the first thing you do?
Finish your coffee and muffin. You haven’t paid £7.30 for the privilege of sitting in this trumped up café for your beverage and very small snack to go to waste.
Leap onto the table screaming ‘The dead are co
ming! The dead are coming!’ whilst rubbing your muffin into your hair and pouring your latte down the front of your trousers.
Hide
Question Two
You have overcome the first few days of the apocalypse and must now find a place to set up a permanent safe house. Which of the following options is the most sensible?
I’ll be able to think more clearly when I’ve finished my latte and muffin.
The top floor of a high-rise block of flats.
A teepee.
Dr Dale’s Zombie Dictionary Page 15