Dr Dale’s Zombie Dictionary

by Dr Dale Seslick

  Another thing that the majority of zombie survivalists don’t consider is that they could be wrong. They have a theory on the undead, they have a plan to survive and they are going to argue the point and stick to the plan at all costs. Sorry to say this chaps and chapesses but you have to consider the fact that you may not have it right. The apocalypse hasn’t happened yet so we have no proof whose thoughts and theories are correct – you are going to have to consider the fact that your whole survival plan may have to change at a moment’s notice because you were wrong. Hey! Even I might be wrong – and if that’s the case – why bother reading this book or paying any attention to what I say? Because at the end of the day – there’s just much chance that I’m right too. You know what I’m saying, eh? Now, go on, away with you. Go and bulk buy cheese.

  THRILLER

  Before I get started on this entry, this is by no means a personal dig at Michael Jackson and I would never speak ill of the dead, unless they were undead, and I don’t think he’s undead. Although he may well be ‘not dead’ and working with Elvis and Princess Diana in a chip shop somewhere, but that’s a whole different kettle of conspiracy theories which isn’t worth thinking about so we’ll get back to the point.

  Over the years many things have been said about the private life of the king of pop and these speculations should be left well enough alone by the serious survivalist as we cannot hope to overcome the apocalypse by pinning our hopes on scurrilous gossip and scandal-mongering. And a morbid fascination regarding eccentric celebrity’s foibles is certainly unhealthy to say the least. That said, Mr Jackson will probably be accountable for a great many deaths during the apocalypse and that’s not idle gossip. That’s fact.

  In 1983 he single-handedly managed to ridicule the terrifying phenomenon of zombies and turned it into a cult obsession. Yes, I’m talking about the music video of his chart-topper ‘Thriller’ which became an instant classic. The dead are shambling towards us, growing ever closer. They’re coming for our flesh. They’re coming, they’re coming! They’re dancing! Ah, look, the dead are dancing! Isn’t that sweet? Let’s all join in. In fact, I had absolutely no sense of rhythm before – but maybe if I become a zombie I’ll be able to dance like them! Quick! Bite me!

  If you put anybody in zombie make-up you can guarantee that within seconds they’ll be doing the ‘Thriller’ dance, lifting their legs and arms up and down in jerky movements from left to right, grinning like buffoons and expecting everyone to applaud riotously as if we’d never seen it before. On film sets they do it, at zombie walks, Halloween parties, even funerals (not very often at funerals – but occasionally). It needs to stop now! The nation has become desensitised to zombies. They no longer fear the undead – and no matter how many new zombie films come out and no matter how horrific they are, the ‘Thriller’ dance always rears its head to ridicule the undead again and make them seem safe. It may seem trivial now, but come the apocalypse, as people watch and wait for the zombies to dance, they will realise all too late that zombies have no rhythm and do not dance. And then they’ll get shredded and it’ll be all the king of pop’s fault. Michael Jackson is very bad. And not in the good sense as in the song ‘Bad’, but in a bad way that actually means bad… See what he’s done! He’s even buggered up the English language.

  TIME

  Time will become relative during the apocalypse. One day will blend into the next and, as there will be nothing to plan for and no dates that desperately need remembering, time will become unimportant. As the clocks slowly wind down and the electricity shuts off, the only indication you will have as to whether it is night or day is whether the sun is in the sky or it is dark outside. Minutes, hours, days, weeks, years: they will all merge into one. There will be no time anymore. It’s a scary, scary thought. But at least it gives you an excuse for not buying a Mother’s Day card.

  TRAMPOLINE

  A portable trampoline can be used by your good self to gain access to the ft floor of buildings without having to go through the front door. Simply set up the trampoline under an accessible window and bounce up. Once you have finished you can jump back out of that window again, land on the trampoline and be on your way. Be aware, though, that should you run into a zombie in the building you have accessed and you push it out of the window to protect yourself, that it is liable to bounce back up again and again and again and again and again… You get the point.

  TRANSFUSION

  If the idea crossed your mind that on becoming infected you could possibly have a full blood transfusion in order to save yourself then bear in mind that once the virus has travelled through the blood and into the brain you are beyond help. During a transfusion the blood is pumped out of your body (quite possibly passing through the brain) whilst the new blood is pumped in, meaning that a transfusion will be a little bit of a waste of time. I also believe that I may have mentioned just once or twice before that: THERE IS NO CURE! Why do I have to keep repeating myself to you people?

  TRAPS

  OK, why would you even think about trapping a zombie? The idea is to kill them, not keep them. You’re not thinking about that children’s entertainment business again? Dressing them in silly hats and making them dance? How many times do I have to tell you? It won’t work! What? You wanted to know about making traps to catch animals that you could use for food? OK. What kind of animals? Something between five and six foot with two legs and two arms… Do I look stupid? You cannot use zombies for children’s entertainment! Or as fluffers for your amateur porn either.

  TRIP WIRES

  Would you be daft enough to fall over a piece of string that was tied across the bottom of a doorway? Of course you wouldn’t. Putting trip wires across doors was the kind of thing that Dennis the Menace did. It was a childish prank that no self-respecting adult would ever fall for in a million years. It is tantamount to putting cling film over a toilet seat, or glueing all the tissues together in a tissue box, or putting a dead sparrow in your grandmother’s hotpot that she was making for the family dinner. Silly, silly, childish games.

  Unlike these silly, silly, childish games, though, trip wires can be effective against the undead because zombies really aren’t as clever as us normal humans. A zombie will be focused on its prey so will pay little attention to what is tied across a door. If the trip wire is attached securely enough it will send a zombie toppling over and give you time to escape or bring your foot down on its head. If there are multiple zombies it will cause a pile-up of corpses, again allowing you to escape in the ensuing confusion. If you have the correct supplies you could even make the trip wire out of barbed wire or cheese wire. This way the zombie may lose his feet and give you even more chance of either defeating him or escaping. It is with this in mind that we recommend setting up trip wires throughout your safe house. As an added bonus don’t tell anyone else you are doing it – watching your teammates fall over every time they walk into a room will cheer you up in the dark days of the apocalypse and will also give you advance warning of who you may wish to get rid of early on in your survival regime before they slip on a banana skin and get you all killed.

  TROUSERS

  Not wishing to be at all sexist, this segment can apply to any form of clothing worn on the bottom half of a human be. It isincludes, but is not limited to, skirts, kilts, shorts, leggings, jeans, pantaloons and nappies. It was just easier to list it under the heading Trousers as it saved me the trouble of listing all the other possible leg adornments which I actually did anyway. Please note, then, that when I refer to ‘trousers’ or ‘pants’ in the following paragraphs it will also include (but is not limited to) all the other items listed above.

  ‘Being caught with one’s pants/trousers down’ is an old saying that means you have been caught unawares doing something – it is also an old song by AC/DC that can be utilised in your prebattle soundtrack (see Soundtrack). Imagine, though, if you were literally caught with your trousers down (or indeed off) when the zombies attacked your safe house. Perhaps you wer
e in bed? Perhaps you were on the toilet? Maybe you just decided to give your legs some air, or were partaking in a thigh-measuring contest with the rest of your team (Eton rules of thigh-measuring contests require you to remove any clothing from your legs as thicker materials can give a false positive reading)? Whatever the reason, you have no pants on – what would you do?

  On hearing the undead breaking down the door, most people’s initial reaction would be to grab a pair of pants and pull them on. But let’s consider the facts here. The zombies are at your door. Do you really have time to start pulling on your best chinos? Is that really the best use of your time when corpses are invading your house?

  Test the theory. Remove your pants now and place them at the other side of the room. Now, see how long it takes you to put them on. Now pick up your weapon and prepare to fight. How long did that take? Thirty-five minutes! What do you mean thirty-five minutes…? Oh… OK, well, how long would it have taken if you hadn’t realised Emmerdale was on and you stopped to watch it? You don’t know? You’re not taking this very seriously, are you? I’ll tell you how long. Our tests showed it could take someone up to two minutes to put on a pair of pants (longer if they were a tight-fitting pair of skinny jeans) and that is time that is wasting whilst the zombies get in.

  There are many situations where pants are important and even a necessity: going to work, popping to the shops, giving a talk at your local primary school about traffic safety. But what real use is a pair of trousers when fighting zombies? Trousers don’t imbue you with extra power; trousers won’t scare the zombies away; they don’t have special armour built into them (unless they are armoured pants – in which case my argument becomes somewhat moot).

  The bottom line is that you don’t need trousers to fight zombies. So next time you are caught with your trousers down, leave it that way. Just be glad you still have your underpants on (or, so as not to be sexist, knickers).

  OR…

  To avoid never being ‘caught with your trousers down’ you could simply never remove your trousers. However, bear in mind that it will make visits to the bathroom quite difficult. Actually, best just to discard that idea – unless you plan on putting a flap in the back of your slacks.

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  UMBRELLA

  Insert in the zombie’s mouth and open it up to create a cascade effect of blood, guts and bits of brain whilst also stopping any of the above splattering onto your newly scavenged Kate Moss collection party frock. Who said that zombie killing couldn’t be fun and inventive at the same time?

  Umbrellas can also be used to stop you getting wet and as a mode of transport to traverse large hordes of the undead if you happen to be practically perfect in every way.

  UNBREAKABLE

  Picture the scene. You are happily scavenging away in a deserted Aldi warehouse, stocking up on your supply of processed German sausage and sliced cheese with holes in it, when all of a sudden a zombie appears from behind a crate of half-price violins. (Excellent value, I bought one. Strictly to use as a bow and arrow set – see Musical Instruments.)

  Anyway, the zombie has appeared and you make a grab for your axe that is attached to your handy workman’s belt. As you pull it free, the belt snaps and falls to the floor. The zombie advances! You raise the axe in the air and the head flies off leaving you with naught but a piece of wood. The zombie moans and advances some more! You decide that you probably shouldn’t fight the zombie with a stick and decide to run, but your shoelace snaps and trips you over. You try and get up, but due to the previous issue with your workman’s belt your trousers have fallen down. The zombie is now almost on top of you! You back away into a corner and grab your radio to call for help from your friends outside, but the aerial has snapped off! Then the building falls down on your head and the universe implodes!

  Naturally, it is unlikely that a person would have that much bad luck at any given time, but in these days of mass consumerism, companies are making their goods more disposable and less durable, meaning that you could be left in a rather sticky situation at any time should a weapon or tool you are using suddenly break.

  This is why, prior to the apocalypse, we recommend stocking up on unbreakable items. Not every company in the world has gone down the route of producing shoddy merchandise and there are the few out there who are continually keeping their standards high by flooding the market with supposed unbreakable goods. You’d imagine this was rather bad business sense because if they never break, you’ll never need a replacement. Once everyone who wants one has got one they’re never really going to sell anymore as generation to generation the unbreakable wonder they have manufactured is going to be passed through the ages.

  A cursory glance through the interweb shows that you can get an unbreakable cafetière (that serves four), an unbreakable juicer, unbreakable golf tees, unbreakable tent pegs, unbreakable laptop bags, unbreakable thermal lunchboxes, unbreakable coin tubes (with screw tops), unbreakable combs, unbreakable mannequins, unbreakable clutch levers for Honda dirt bikes, unbreakable rosary beads, unbreakable multicoloured kazoos (packs of 12) and unbreakable Christmas tree stars from Italy. The possibilities are endless and should you stock your safe house with all these unbreakable items then you will never have to worry again about being let down on the battlefield or at home.

  FALSE ADVERTISING

  Just because a manufacturer states that their item is ‘unbreakable’, we recommend putting their claim to the test first. Their claims may be based on biased tests (we dropped a feather on it and it didn’t break! That’s phase one – now bring in the pillow!) and you can guarantee that they will have not tested for the rigours that will befall their item during a zombie apocalypse. To prove this point, I bought a DVD with Bruce Willis in it that said it was unbreakable and it snapped in two with one stamp of my foot. The same applied to Westlife’s greatest hits album. See, you can never trust what it says on the box!

  UNDERGROUND

  Most zombie survival manuals will tell you that it is unwise to head underground when the apocalypse has begun and that you should get as high up as possible to avoid being attacked by the undead. This is good advice. Advice that I have also given out on a regular basis, but there is one thing to bear in mind when you make your sanctuary at the top of a great big building that is surrounded by zombies. How are you going to get out to stock up on more supplies?

  There is the possibility that you could use bed sheets or stapled together bits of old newspaper to construct a basic parachute or hand glider but these can be difficult to steer and could land you in the middle of a horde.

  If you are an adept tightrope walker this is also an option, but how are you going to get the tightrope attached at the other end? And don’t even think about walking across a telephone line – they can’t even carry calls sometimes.

  Finally there is the option to jump across to the adjoining building. A small gap may just be manageable but should you miss and plummet to the ground below, I’m sure that may hurt just a bit.

  If you have managed to secure a safe location from the ground floor up though, your safest option is to create a subterranean tunnel system, one that attaches to sewer systems, tube lines, ancient tombs and other such undergroundy places.

  It is a common misconception that you will run into multiple zombies if you venture underground. If a zombie is not reanimated in an underground area then there is no reason for it to head there. Once they have carried out their initial carnage, zombies are more liable to migrate across land in order to seek out bands of survivors to attack and are highly unlikely to accidentally end up in a storm drain en masse (see Migration).

  That is not to say that you will not run into any of the dead if you use pre-existing underground tunnels. There is always the possibility that one or two of them may have ended up down there, so do still be vigilant.

  The same rules also apply regarding panic zones (see Panic Zones) and any underground areas attached to hospitals or escape routes (e.g. subway sta
tions, airport car parks) which may also be heavily infected.

  This won’t be a problem, though, if you dig your own tunnel system. All you need is a basic knowledge of the area you are in and a good idea of where you want your tunnel to end up. You will also need something to dig with (your hands will do if you can’t find a spoon) and something to stop the roof of your tunnel caving in. If you do not dig the tunnel deep enough then zombies are liable to fall through the floor into your tunnel and gain access to your safe house – don’t say I didn’t warn you, as I’m not being held accountable should you end up making a botch-up of your great escape plan.

  nd ga you have perfected one tunnel you could consider the possibility of creating an entire network of tunnels that connect safe houses and supply locations across the city. You could even build huge underground caverns where you can house millions and hold mass raves before heading off to fight your oppressors. And you could call the place Zion. And ruin a perfectly good trilogy in the process. Actually let’s just stick to one tunnel for now. From your safe house to Kentucky Fried Chicken. The brave new world can wait.