Tricky Wisdom: Year I

by Camryn Eyde

  I shook my head. “You’re lying.”

  “I’ve been alone my whole life, Darcy. I know exactly what I do and don’t need, and what I don’t want is someone to pity me. You were a bad idea from the start.”

  My heart thumped and ached. “You’re not the ideal choice either, but I love you anyway.” The fact I just declared my love to her barely registered in her eyes, but my heart began to beat crazy fast as I recognized the truth in my words.

  Olivia’s following laugh sounded cruel and hollow. “I’m no one’s ideal choice. Don’t forget I know I’m not who you really want.”

  “What?”

  She waved me off. “Don’t worry, Darce, that colorless little Taylor will be on the market soon enough.”

  “Taylor?” I shook my head. “I don’t want Taylor, I want you.”

  “Only because she found someone else.”

  “No. Because I found you. Can’t you see that?” I huffed and ran a hand through my hair. “I have no idea what I’m doing. I don’t know how to make you see you can trust me. I’m on your side.”

  “For how long? Huh? Until you find someone else? Someone easier?”

  I think I may have growled. Stubborn didn’t come close to describing this woman. “I don’t want anyone else.” I moved over to her and took her shoulder in my hands. “You’re a complicated, difficult woman, but I’m still here.”

  “You shouldn’t be.”

  I sighed through my nose. “I know.”

  “I can’t do this anymore.” She stepped away from me. “I don’t want this complication.”

  I blinked. “Complication? That’s what you see me as? Some kind of problem?”

  She didn’t answer and evaded my eyes.

  My lip trembled. “You don’t want me.” It was a statement and she didn’t respond. My throat closed up, but somehow I managed to say, “Okay. Have it your way. If you really don’t need me, I’ll stay out of your way.”

  She swallowed.

  “Liv?” I was desperate for some kind of answer. Negative or positive. The silence was uncomfortable.

  “My name is Olivia.”

  My lungs burned. “Of course it is.” I turned and left, leaving her standing frozen beside her bed and those cataclysmic photographs. I didn’t want to leave. I wanted to wrap her close to me. To tell her everything was going to be all right, but I didn’t know how.

  Walking into my old room, I closed the door and slid down the back of it to the floor. I was in too much shock to cry, but my face burned with pain. Staring blankly at the pillow-less bed in front of me, my phone vibrated in my pocket.

  It was a text from Taylor. Why was she texting me at one in the morning? Did you see the game? Just got back from the after party. So gr8!

  I responded. No. Just broke up with Liv.

  My phone rang a second later. “What happened?” Taylor asked.

  I shrugged. “I don’t know.”

  “She dumped you, didn’t she? Bitch.”

  I shook my head. “I think I dumped her.”

  “What?”

  I let out a long shaky breath. How do I undo what I just did?

  “Is it…” Taylor started.

  “Hmm?”

  “Is it because of me?”

  I frowned. Because of her? “Huh?”

  “Did you break up with her because you had, you know…feelings for me?”

  My head dropped back against the door and as I shut my eyes, I shook my head. “No, Taylor. I don’t have feelings for you anymore.”

  “Oh.” Silence. “Then why did you break up?”

  “I wish I knew.” And really, there was only one way I was going to find out. “Look, I gotta go.”

  “Darce?”

  “Talk to you later.” I hung up on Taylor and stood. A little woozy, I opened my door and walked back to Olivia’s room. She was still standing, staring at the photos on the bed. Her puffy-eyed stare turned to me as I crossed the room. “Hey,” I whispered.

  Her lip trembled, breaking my heart all over again. She looked isolated, frantic, and ready to implode on herself. I wasn’t having any of that, so I held out my arms and she fell into them with an ease that surprised us both. Heavy choking sobs erupted from her thin frame, and we both collapsed to the floor under their weight. Clueless, scared, but determined, I held the fragile woman until she passed out in my lap. Pulling a pillow and blanket from the bed, I gently nudged her head onto the feather-filled cushioning and covered her body. The photos fell to the floor with my efforts, and I picked them up.

  Unable to help my curiosity, I looked at the remaining pictures as she slumbered. The sequence was aged-based as the baby began to grow and crawl, and slowly, the man slipped from the photographs. The baby, still in diapers, was suddenly covered in tubes and tape and had an incision over his chest that I recognized as the result of some serious pediatric surgery. I covered my mouth as I found a death certificate confirming the worst. Jayden David Boyd was ten months old when he passed away. Harder still was to find he shared the same birthday as me.

  “Oh, God,” I whispered, and feeling terribly guilty I’d just uncovered a secret Olivia had never disclosed. Wiping tears from my eyes, I stacked them together and placed them on the side table. I laid down beside her and cried quietly for the pain she must have endured. Her reasons for going into pediatrics because no child should feel pain made a significant amount of sense. I tucked myself alongside her and wrapped my arm around her. She snuggled against me, and for the rest of the night, I held the woman close.

  

  I woke on the floor a few hours later with Olivia still in my arms and staring at me in confusion in the early morning light.

  “Why are we sleeping on the floor like dogs?”

  Her voice was hoarse and her eyes bloodshot, so her snide tone didn’t come across. I brushed a strand of hair behind her ear. “How are you?”

  She swallowed and looked away. “I’ve been better.” After a sigh, she said, “I need to shower.”

  I nodded at her, smelling the sweat, alcohol, and smoke on her from last night. That combination must have made her innate sense of cleanliness crazy. She gave me a pointed glare and I squeaked. “Oh. Sorry.” Letting her go from my koala grip, she stood and then noticed the photos on the side table. It was obvious I moved them. She bit her lip and looked at me.

  I stood. “Coffee?” She wasn’t fooled.

  “What did you see?” she asked. I could see the blood-red veins in the whites of her eyes. The dark smudge of skin below them. The sadness deep inside those eyes. I doubted she wanted me to know the reasons behind that look.

  I glanced at the side table and looked back at her as she appraised me. Her eyes crinkled and narrowed as she watched me. I reached out and took her hand. With a gentle squeeze, I said, “Nothing I’m going to ask about until you’re ready. It’s not my business.”

  She lifted her chin. “That’s right, it isn’t.”

  That stung, but really, it wasn’t up to me to pressure her into telling me her sorrowful history, as much as I wished I could. What I could do, is make sure she understood I was in her corner. I raised my hand to her cheek and stroked the skin there. “You’re an amazing woman, and you intimidate the hell out of me, but I love you and I’m staying right here.”

  Olivia blinked and took a shuddery breath. My declaration looked like it impacted this time. “Thank you,” she whispered.

  “Go shower.”

  She nodded vacantly and shut herself into the bathroom.

  I yawned and rubbed at my scratchy eyes. It was going to be a long day.

  Chapter Thirteen

  Whatever progress we had made as a couple took a step back as Olivia began to avoid me over the following weeks. It was like I’d lifted the curtain to a hurt she tried to avoid and defensively pushed me away to save herself. My own mood shifted from buoyant to depressed as I accommodated her need for isolation. I took more shifts at the dry cleaner, I studied at the library, and I moved
out of her bed to take up residence in my neglected single one. Studying at home was eerie and silent as I did my utmost to be quiet and diligent. Before we realized it, the weather was warm and we’d completed the first twelve months of med school and had nothing left to do but wait for our results, take summer vacation, and quietly panic about the upcoming years.

  Summer vacation at Harvard Medical with the new Pathway program in place, meant just over two weeks of relaxation before three intensive years of medical training commenced. With the coming years of clinical study, I planned to utilize my two weeks off wisely. I was going to tinker with my car, catch up with Taylor and her girlfriend, and most likely pine for Olivia.

  The woman, whose company I missed, had yet to inform me of her vacation plans. Knowing her, she was going to do work experience under one of the lecturers.

  As for me, I was leaving tomorrow afternoon for Minnesota to enjoy the last day of July with my parents.

  I sighed heavy and long.

  “What is it?” Olivia asked, breaking the silence and making me jolt.

  “Huh?” I looked over my shoulder from the couch to see her frowning at me. She didn’t look annoyed for once. I guess with study officially over, she wasn’t so uptight.

  “What’s wrong?”

  I shook my head. “Nothing. I’m just thinking of vacation.”

  “Oh.”

  “Do you know what you’re doing yet?”

  She shook her head at me. “You?”

  “Just hanging out at home, I guess.”

  “You’ll be seeing Taylor?”

  I nodded.

  “Are we taking a break then?”

  “What? Why?” My heart rate skyrocketed.

  Olivia looked back to her desk where she had spread next year’s study schedule and shrugged. I frowned at her, my mind processing. I told her almost a month ago I was going home for the school break, and now that I thought about it, she’d become quieter since then. I had broken that news in the week following her drinking session. She had been reclusive as she was obviously mourning a son who should have been turning seven soon. Psychology wasn’t my forte, but I got a sudden clarity of mind. Did she think I was running away from her?

  “Olivia?”

  “Mmm?”

  “Look at me.”

  She did turn eventually and glanced at me from the corner of her eye.

  I clicked my tongue at her and got up from the couch, spun her chair and planted my hands on the arm rest of her office chair. “I don’t want a break from you.”

  She took a long inhale through her nose. “Okay.”

  “And I definitely don’t want Taylor. I thought I’d already clarified that.”

  “Okay.”

  “I want you.” She closed her eyes and let her head tilt forward as she sucked in a harsh breath. I tipped her chin back up with a finger. “Olivia. I want you.”

  She looked back at me and I barely caught her whispered word: “Why?”

  I gasped. She looked so vulnerable. Her blue eyes shined with unshed tears and she looked hopelessly lost. My hand trailed from her chin to her cheek and I brushed her skin with my thumb. “Because you’re beautiful, smart, determined, anal, bitchy, ambitious and caring.” Olivia had stiffened at some of my words of choice, but she remained silent. “Because you challenge me. Because you try to make me better. You taught me to cook, you make me accountable, and you’re amazing. You’re exasperating. I want you because I love you. I wish I could prove to you that you can trust me. That I’m here and never leaving by choice. That you’re everything I want. I know I’m terrible at relationships, but I’m willing to learn.” I took a deep breath. Here I go. Leaning closer to her, I whispered, “Let me in.”

  Olivia’s jaw clenched as she bit down on her back teeth. “I don’t know how.”

  “Then step-by-step we try…together. I’m not giving up on this.”

  Olivia’s eyes were wide and vulnerable as she stared at me and the subtle shift in power was surprising. I was the strong one. I was the sure, confident one. I was the key to unlocking this. It was time for me to woman-up.

  Swallowing, I reached out and caressed her cheek. “Please, will you try?” I whispered.

  She nodded on a rushed outgoing breath and reached up to kiss me.

  We hadn’t done this for over a month, and it felt like coming home. She was temptation and passion and I wanted more. The kiss deepened but soon my stance became uncomfortable and I was forced to pull away before I fell over. Pulling her to her feet and we stood there trying to catch our breath. I looked into her hooded eyes and knew it was time. I didn’t care if I didn’t know what I was doing, I needed to touch her. All of her.

  Pulling her to me with a hand hooked behind her neck, I moaned into a kiss that was anything but gentle. Tongues warred and hands explored and soon I’d been backed up against the nearest wall. How I ended up like this on most occasions bemused me, but when her leg slipped between mine as Olivia’s urgency increased, I found I didn’t care.

  Tugging at her shirt and hoping she would let me pull it over her head, she stilled my hands and moved back a fraction. My heart dropped to my ankles. Chance gone.

  “You’re sure?” she whispered to me as she panted.

  She hadn’t pushed me away. She was still against me. She was looking at me with those lust-filled eyes and wanted more. I swallowed away the sudden dryness in my mouth and nodded frantically. “I’m sure, only—” I stopped and bit my lip. Only I had no idea what I’m doing.

  She smiled at me. A soft, barely-there, smile that reignited my heart. She leaned in and gave me a gentle kiss. Taking my hand, she drew me into her room, leaving the lights off and letting the illumination in the kitchen filter through the door.

  She stopped us beside the bed and lifted her shirt from her body. My mouth went dry and moisture pooled elsewhere as I looked at her semi-naked torso. Nothing but a blood red bra covered her torso, and I just had to touch. Reaching out, I let my knuckles skim across her abdomen and the faint lines I saw there. Evidence of her motherhood. Fascinated by the way her breath hitched and her muscles spasmed, I trailed the hand up, I caressed the skin below her breasts and she filled her lungs, allowing her chest to rise.

  I shook my head in reverence. “So beautiful.”

  She smiled and shook her head at me. The next thing I knew, my top was gone and she was afforded a view of my torso covered with a sports bra. “This, is beautiful,” she said before pulling me close and kissing me urgently. Feeling her skin against mine was incredible. Her body heat warmed me and sent chills down my spine. The contrast was extraordinary. As goosebumps prickled my skin, she ran her hands around the waistband of my favorite pair of jeans, and her knuckles pressed into my abdomen as she unbuttoned them. A tingle ran down my spine, through my apex and right into my toes.

  “You’re trembling,” Olivia whispered against my neck as she unzipped my jeans.

  I nodded and tilted my head as she pressed kisses against my skin. Feeling the need to explain myself, I said, “I’ve never—”

  “I know.” She kissed me again. A deep, possessive act that left me breathless. I gripped onto her for dear life as she wrapped me tight against her and stole the air from my lungs. My head spun and I was sure I was going to pass out, but then she pulled away, gasping for air like I was. “Please,” she said on a rough exhale. “Please tell me you’re ready. I can’t…” She shook her head.

  I cupped her face in my hands, grounding myself. “Make love to me.”

  Her chest imploded on itself as she let out a rush of relieved air. She nodded at me in the dim light. “That I can do.”

  Devastating me with another kiss, she gently pushed me to her bed. Our hips seemed to grind and reach for one another without conscious thought, and we danced on the covers in a rhythm of heavy pants and delirious moans. Having her fill of my lips and tongue, Olivia broke away and moved her kisses down my neck and across my collarbones. I shivered at the sensations she wa
s shuttling through my skin. That secret place between my legs was alive and electric, and throbbing mercilessly.

  So lost in her touch, I barely registered the way my jeans were moving off my body. It was the lack of warmth against my skin that made me open my eyes. I almost wish I didn’t, because I nearly stopped breathing at the sight of Olivia kneeling between my legs. She had stripped off her pants to benefit my eyes with a body that made me gasp. Briefly captured by her hips and the triangle of underwear protecting the region between, I looked up at her and stilled. She was ravishing me with her eyes.

  Exposed to her in nothing but my underwear, I held my breath to hear her review. She licked her lips and swallowed. A husky voice followed. “Gorgeous.” Hands dropped to my thighs and gently skimmed their way up my body. Olivia was shaking her head. “You have no idea what you do to me. How much it took to deny myself.”

  I swallowed and her words sunk in. “Deny this?”

  She was covering me then. All warmth and soft curves as she smiled down at me. “I’ve wanted you this way for so long.” She leaned down and smattered kisses along my jaw. “I’ve wanted this…” She shook her head against my neck. Leaning up, she looked at me, almost making sure it was okay for her to confess her secrets. “I’ve wanted you Darcy, and now…I can have you.”

  I smiled at her and brushed my fingers over her cheek. It bemused me to realize Olivia knew I wasn’t ready for this before now. I may have been aching to have my first orgasm, but it would have only sated my body, not my heart. I had been stuck in a naïve cycle of infatuation, desperation, and confusion, but now I was a woman in love. Now I was a woman fighting for the only thing I needed…Olivia. Today, I had asked her to be mine, and in turn, I wanted to be hers. “Then take me,” I whispered, sounding far more confident than I felt. I may have taken charge of my destiny, but I was still very nervous.

  She smiled. A genuine, loving, glorious smile that made me catch my breath. And then she nodded. “Okay.”

  Her hands, warm and slender, felt like they were everywhere at once. My breasts arched under her touch as she teased my nipples to intense arousal. Reaching below me to the bed, she caught the band of my sports bra and yanked it upwards, almost dislocating my shoulders in the process. About to query her urgency, I got my answer when she descended upon my breasts with lips and tongue and a moan that wet my remaining underwear. Bare-chested and shameless, I ran my fingers through her hair as I pressed against her mouth with an arch of my back.