by Zoe Adams
“Is there anything else I should know?” Indiana let her sarcasm bite him.
“Yeah. I have two kids as well.” Richard’s eyes flashed a beware shade of green.
Indiana looked around his room. Everything lost its appeal. It didn’t seem manly or sexy anymore. It felt dirty. She wondered about all the other sexual romps in this room.
She shook her head and tried to pull her clothes back on.
“Why did you send me all those presents, then? Why did you lead me on?” She willed her voice to be strong and angry instead of hurt and confused.
“Because we’re supposed to be together. I’ve known it for a long time. Haven’t you known it as well?” Richard sat helplessly beside her.
Indiana shook her head. “Yeah, I’ve known it and prepared myself. I was careful and fastidious in school and life. I waited. I was careful. You’re just reckless.”
Richard got mad. “Hey. I’m a man. And I’m a man who’s used to winning. Women love me. What was I supposed to do?”
“You’re supposed to care about what a future woman in your life will think. You’re supposed to be considerate to women. Be careful. It’s not that hard. You were careful with me, but not with that other girl.” Indiana let spite drip from her words. “I mean, it’s easy enough to stop just now and wrap yourself up in rubber, what stopped you before? I mean, what didn’t stop you before? It certainly wasn’t kindness or fondness for a someday girl. What am I, the first time you ever used a condom? How can I be sure you really like me? You keep hesitating with me. I must not do it for you if you keep stopping yourself.”
Indiana could read Richard very easily. Hurt shone in his eyes. His lips were set in a straight line. Indiana almost felt bad for him, but her shock and anger would need time to dissipate.
“You are making me feel bad. No girl’s ever made me feel bad.” Richards’s words hit her like they should.
“Well, maybe you should keep those girls.” Indiana jumped off the bed. “I feel like I don’t know you at all. Or maybe I thought I knew you, but I don’t know you. I’m just a stupid young girl with illusions about you. Now I know the truth about the real you. I’m going to need time.”
Indiana couldn’t believe it. All of her pining, and that’s exactly what it had been, had placed Richard on top of an unattainable pedestal. Now she was too good for him.
The truth of the matter darkened her outlook. Her heart snapped in half. Now she understood how rage could accompany love. She’d been in love just moments ago. Now it was gone with the wind from her chest.
She questioned all of it. If it had been a real love to begin with, where did it go? There’s no way she could’ve loved him. Not with disdain running through her innocent blood. Indiana realized health could disappear in one stroke, and so could love. Her whole life had been driven on emotions of him. Years and years of liking him had blinded her.
Richard looked pathetic sitting the way he did. Looking up at her, expectant and weak, he sat naked and deflated on the bed. His weakness lowered him even more. Besides the drama of Indiana’s new feelings for him, he was already tired from the race. Tonight he would be better off without her.
“I’m going to need time to myself. I’ve got a lot to think about.” Indiana didn’t look at him when she left. “I’ll call you later or something.”
She turned on her heel and walked from his room. They both knew she didn’t have his phone number. For some reason, she always walked away from him. It happened seamlessly and with class every time.
Any plea or resistance from him would have only weakened him in her eyes. She would have a hard time erasing all the pictures from her mind as it was. She buttoned her shirt as she walked down the hall. She took Richard’s race car and drove to his shop.
More space between them didn’t cure a thing. Indiana wanted to be too busy for distraction. She drove his beautiful orange car to the Chevelle and parked beside it.
Richard’s trophy winning car already sat over the dropdown bay. Its smoothness glared at her under fluorescent lights. Busy men comfortable with their roles in success made jokes about the tight car.
Indiana felt better in familiar territory. The smell of exhaust and lubricants skirted the yard.
It jarred her to another scene. Not much about race cars had changed since her father raced. Indiana had been out of the scene for so long. She had to do a double take to ensure its reality.
At least cars would never change. Everything else had let her down or deserted her. But cars would always have that distinct smell of rubber, dust, and shine.
Liquid seeped through her partially restrained eyelashes. She battled a welling of sadness inside her. She jumped in her car and had no idea where to go. She let the tires spin with the double use of pedals. Looking through the rearview mirror, she watched his shop until it disappeared.
Indiana drove the opposite direction of Richard for the rest of the day. More time came between them. The depth of the throttle calmed, and the palpitating heartbeats tried to loosen their hold on her breathing.
She still needed a car, not to mention a team of professionals and a garage. Indiana wasn’t sure if she still needed love or Richard, but he could be the one waiting for once.
Chapter 19
Indiana needed love. Natural instincts led her to seek out her mom. Ellen needed to be on Indiana’s side, especially if she raced cars. Her mom had connections in the racing circuit and could shut down her daughter in a blink. If not a blink, then maybe some sort of judicial feud would slow her down. Indiana couldn’t let it happen. Just a few well-placed tears could ruin her. Indiana would be seen as cold-blooded.
Indiana knew all too well about feelings and heartache. Life had already hardened her. All of it added up to the exact opposite of what she wanted.
On the racetrack everything was different. Driving took a lot out of a person. Fighting nature, speed, steering wheels, and bodily functions tested her humanity. Holding the steering wheel got harder. Driving in circles over and over still needed to be done.
Indiana wanted to know if it got easier, or harder. She had so much to learn about high speeds for long times. Steering wheels might shake her to numbness but Indiana wanted it more than ever.
Besides, the family name had honor. Her blood delighted in speed and the endurance to compete. Indiana Bernstein would take and make every opportunistic advantage to honor her father, Clarence Bern-Out-Stein.
Indiana had finally turned eighteen. There couldn’t be a better time to talk about racing. The thought of divulging the plans to her mother made her sick. The subject of speeding cars required the utmost finesse. She had been consciously preparing for it her whole life.
Indiana drove to the ocean and parked in a colorful driveway. The Atwaters just returned from the best place on Earth.
Indiana’s mother greeted her with hugs and questions. They sat in a beige sunken room and watched the sun lowering over the coast. The sound of surf hitting rocks punctuated time gone by. Polite conversations whittled the afternoon away.
Someone knocked on the door. It officially left small talk by the wayside.
The racing world came crashing through the front door in the form of a telegram. Indiana couldn’t have planned it better. The two men on Richard’s airplane had already scheduled a lot of timed practice race laps with the daughter of a legend.
Indiana was grateful other people broached the subject. She didn’t have to drop the bomb on her fragile mother.
Ellen took on immediate bereavement. “Oh, honey. You can’t race yet. You probably don’t even have a will.”
Thanks to Richard, death had been a topic on Indiana’s mind lately. He would be dealt with later. After all, she could only win one battle at a time.
Right now Indiana’s main concern was her family. “Yes, Mom, I know dying happens to everyone. It’s how I live, and love, and die that matters. We spend time together and it feels great. But my other love is for racing cars.”
; Indiana sat rigidly, drinking water.
Ellen glared over a martini.
Frank eyed her warily for wrecking the peace of their retired lives.
Indiana smiled. “I’m young. I want to experience it. At least for a year.”
Ellen waved her hand and cut her off. “Yeah. A year’s a long time. You of all people know what can happen in a year. You know better than that. Look at how you raced through life. But we both know the truth about loss. I could lose you in a second. A day. An hour. You know all about fast love, but do you know all about fast loss?” Ellen snapped her fingers for emphasis.
She looked smaller on the sofa. Indiana knew her mother was right.
Indiana went and sat very close to her mother. She gave Ellen a one-armed hug.
“I know you’re right,” Indiana whispered softly. “Listening to you makes me want to stay here forever. But I can’t, Mom. I have dreams. I have goals. I even have a house.”
Ellen’s demeanor changed immediately. “I always knew you wanted to race. It was obvious in everything. You have a natural instinct to avoid calamity. Your father and I knew it would happen someday. I just didn’t expect to lose him. And if I lose you too…”
Ellen sobbed into a tissue.
Indiana patted her shoulder.
Ellen rose up defiantly. “And now I find out you have secrets. You have your own house and I haven’t even gotten to see it yet.”
Indiana lowered her head in guilt. “Yes, Mom. I’ve even been scouting for a home and a car. Obviously people want to sponsor me, but I haven’t said yes yet. I want to sponsor my own car. I want a white car with nothing on it. Just me.”
Frank the businessman turned out to be the perfect mediator.
“Ellen, relax a moment. Indiana’s going to race with or without you. She wants your blessing. Ellen, now think very clearly what you want your daughter to represent. You know she’ll blow the competition away. Sponsors are already knocking. You love and support your daughter. Together, you and I have the equity to start our own team if we want.”
Ellen and Indiana both looked at Frank in shock.
Frank smiled, winked, and continued. “I think Indiana is right on the money. When I think about it, she is wind. People try to catch up with her but they aren’t fast enough. They will look in the rearview mirror and a ghost is upon them. A white car with nothing but numbers on it. We can figure out what it symbolizes and represents later. But her car should be white. It’s the whisper on the wind, the shadow coming to overtake you. She’s going to rule the raceways and airwaves.”
Ellen interrupted his excitement. “All right, Frank. Thank you. Please don’t make this any harder on me. I only want what’s best for my daughter. She should get married and have children. I want her to have a life full of promise and living. Men don’t understand sadness, loss, and being uprooted. Women aren’t wild and crazy rolling stones. They’re the maneuverable and expendable ones who are left when all else fails. ”
Indiana almost started crying. She wanted to get old and sit on a front porch with Richard. They could rock away in chairs and talk about nothing. She wanted the slow life with someone who sped his way through life. Richard showed no signs of slowing down, so Indiana had better hurry up.
“Mom. You obviously know if anything happens to me you get all I have. I know you won’t tip me over in a race and I love you for it. I need to know my net worth. I’ve got plans to start side businesses. I like this idea. I’m the ghost. Anyone can guess how I win or what kind of struts I use under the car. Just like a real lady, anyone can guess what’s underneath the dress. But I guarantee I’ll win. ”
Ellen slightly cheered up at the mention of Indiana being the lady of her dreams. It wasn’t exactly what she had in mind, but there were still other things to look forward to. And now she got to dress a celebrity who just happened to be her daughter.
Indiana gave her mom the concessions that would ease her way through life. Frank promised to call if there were changes to the team or idea of no logo.
The meeting had gone better than hoped. She hadn’t begged and told her mother calmly of the choice. Indiana was bred to drive a car. Speeding a car had been the involuntary second choice.
Tonight she accepted her daughter’s career path. It had heretofore been ignored as a whim, and denied like a sweet tooth, but Indiana won. Now it was reality. Only time could label or justify it.
Indiana gave her mother a thoughtful hug. Then left her to Frank, her new, capable dad. Indiana had a lot to do before the next eighty hours were up. She left the unpacked house for another drive across state lines.
Chapter 20
The other race car for sale was a much better deal. Plus it came with a crew. Indiana circled the car many times and shocked the men with her excessive knowledge.
They spoke figures and she laughed at their jokes.
“Who are you?” one of them finally asked.
“I’m Indiana Bernstein.” She regarded the tattooed boy. “Who are you?”
“Justin Johnson. This is my car.” He looked about five years older than Indiana.
He did little circles with his shoulder while he talked. “Yep. This is my race car. It’s pure trouble. See my shoulder. I’m lucky to move it at all. I can’t wait to get rid of this car. So, your father was King Bern-Out-Stein? Wow. I bet our dads hung out. My dad is Robert Johnson. We both grew up in the racing world. Cool.”
This offspring of another successful racer had something for Indiana. He looked like he could race a car just fine. Indiana wondered if he gave up on things too easily. Whether or not he sold the car to her, she would find out if he did.
Indiana circled the car and valued the character of the things before her. She liked the car. The mechanics were probably fine. Surely there could be a job for Justin too.
She returned the conversation to him. “I remember watching you race. You broke your clavicle, right? I can probably remember the exact date. Give me a minute. Oh yeah, it was July fourth.”
Indiana swung her head up to stare into his eyes. She did a little sweep with her shoulder, and all of her hair swirled to the back of her body.
Justin stroked his beard and looked at her. “Why haven’t I heard of you? I know everyone. I mean, I know of your dad, sorry.”
He was evaluating her in the most transparent way. “Are you racing?”
“I will be racing. I’m working on it.” Indiana nodded her head toward the car.
He nodded as her worth went higher
“Wow, that’s pretty hot you want to buy my car. So, you’re obviously just starting. What have you done already?”
“My trial run is next week. There are a few things still to be lined up, but the car is first.”
“Yes, it is. Well, I know a crew.”
“All right, I’ll meet them. Can you get them all down here?” Indiana only knew one way to work toward success, and that was in a hurry.
Justin laughed and held up his hands. “Who are you?”
They both started laughing and shaking their heads in disbelief. The race car’s former employees filtered into the shop over the next few hours. They all needed a new driver to prep for. Indiana could back up her employment contracts and guarantee the first two weeks’ pay. It all came in advance and wired to their bank accounts immediately.
Justin was everything that Richard was not. He was outgoing, friendly, and usually vying for attention. Someone had told him how to treat women. He quickly had Indiana beside him most of the time.
Indiana noticed the silent looks of query. They passed with the presence of her at the side of a boss’s kid.
She also noticed that his privileges of controlling the team had been liberated. It felt like he was just showing her off, and he wanted to be her arm candy. Justin wanted to run the crew and run the car. But Indiana had bought it. She felt powerless most of the time.
Indiana met Justin for coffee in his office. He looked from his desk, saw the coffee, and cleared a
patch from the papers to set the cup on. Indiana set his drink down and faced the shop’s window.
He looked at her interestedly. “What are you going to do next?”
A combination of things raised the yellow flag for Indiana. She walked out of his range and talked about the day’s plans. She wanted him away from the car for a day.
“Can you make some phone calls for me?” Indiana saw him look at her skeptically. “Come on, I need some products. Besides, you already know all of these people. I’m sure you’ll do a great job of introducing me.”
Justin insisted on making the calls for her.
“Thank you.” Indiana shared the tedious burden and smiled.
Justin bragged, “Come on. I’m on injured reserve. Besides, I’ll do anything for a hottie like you.”
Indiana nodded. “All right. Don’t call if you have questions. I’m leaving.”
“Hey, you can’t leave,” Justin yelled after her.
She peeked back in the door. “I’ll be in the workroom if you need something.”
Indiana exited his office. She knew she teased him and led him on. But she hadn’t yet decided how much of herself she was willing to part with. She let him enjoy the claim he seemed to have taken over her.
Indiana paced the yard with her phone glued to her head. A massive amount of information streamed through her headset. Somehow she stayed insanely organized without the benefit of a desk and drawers. Indiana stood beside the Chevelle as she made her last call.
“Hi, Mom.” Indiana held the phone a foot from her face as she listened to the excitement.
“I’ve been getting phone calls all day long from all the old racing wives telling me how brave I am for letting my daughter race. Imagine me, brave. Ha, I’m so dependent. Anyway, you’re this close to getting pulled.”
Indiana waited for the train wreck to stop. “It doesn’t matter if I do this now, or six months, or six years from now. It’s going to happen.”