Clinging to Rapture

by Megan D. Martin

  “You really got yourself into something big this time, didn’t you, baby jewel?” The nickname made me blink hard. It was what my mom had always called me. He hardly ever used the name for me, especially after she left us. He only said it when he wanted to hurt me, to use my mother’s absence as a reminder, a way to blame me for her leaving. But he didn’t say it with contempt this time and for a moment—just a moment—I knew everything would be okay.

  He pulled a chair close to the bed and sat in it. His gaze strayed to my neck and back up again. My neck. He said my neck was hurt. I reached up and brushed my fingers against a thick bandage.

  “You don’t remember what happened?”

  I glanced around me, registering for the first time that I was in a hospital. An IV pumped fluid into my left arm, wires disappeared under the light blue hospital gown at my chest. A flat screen TV hung on the wall right in front of me, a muted baseball game playing. What happened?

  I shook my head slowly; the pain was still there, but it wasn’t overwhelming like before.

  He sighed and glanced around the room. “Someone hurt you.”

  I ran my fingers across the bandage again.

  He stared at me intently, as if he was trying to figure me out. He did this all the time while I was growing up. He always looked at me like I was from another planet. A mystery he couldn’t figure out. More than once he claimed I wasn’t his. That I came from some other man my mom slept with. That he couldn’t have produced a child like me. But he just said those things, he didn’t mean them. The likeness between us was uncanny. The shape and light blue color of our eyes. They were identical.

  After a few moments a dark look came over his face, an expression I was familiar with. “Why the hell are you working at some shit-hole gas station anyway? I thought you had some high-paying stripper job?” The words were condescending. My dad was looking down his nose at me, typical, and it hadn’t even taken him a whole two minutes.

  He took a deep breath and scrubbed a hand down his face, as if he was vying for some sort of control that didn’t exist. “You’re lucky though, so lucky. A guy you worked with found you right after it happened. Talk about a fun night for R—”

  “No!” I screamed. My voice came out scratchy and hoarse, the pain increased in my neck, but I didn’t care.

  The word fun had triggered something in my head, and with sticky fingers it dug into my subconscious and jerked the memory back. “I wanted to have more fun with you. They told me I could, but you’ve gone and fucked it up.” A face loomed over me in the dark, a white scar slashed across thin lips.

  My hand flew to my neck understanding the bandage for the first time. “I’m alive.”

  “Yes, you are, baby jewel. You remember now?” His words were kind again, like I was a child once more.

  The door of my hospital room opened to reveal Cole followed by a doctor.

  “Miss Collette, you’re awake.” The doctor smiled warmly and approached the bed. “It’s nice to finally meet you. I’m Dr. Lewis.” He held out his hand for me to take. I frowned and lifted mine to meet his.

  “Finally?” My voice sounded better this time, just hoarse, but intelligible.

  He released my hand and glanced back and forth between Cole, who stood with his back against the wall, his arms crossed over his chest, and my dad. The doctor seemed to be asking a silent question of them. Neither of their demeanors changed, they just looked back at him solemnly.

  He shuffled a chart in his hand, flipping through the pages.

  “What aren’t you telling me?” I asked.

  Dr. Lewis looked nervous. What is this, his first day?

  “Miss Collette, you were in a terrible assault. You had to go through some intensive surgery to repair your jugular vein. I was able to get everything working as it should, but unfortunately you have been in a coma for the last two weeks.”

  “What? No.” A coma? I looked back and forth between Cole and my dad. Why were they even here? They were the last two men I ever expected to see again. My dad kicked me out and left me with nothing. Cole had given me his final goodbye. And here I was, in a hospital, waking up from a coma and here they were, as if they had never left. Tears sprang to my eyes.

  “I know it’s a lot to take in, but you are alive and well, and on the right track. I’m going to have Alyssa, the nurse assistant, come in and take your vitals and then later the nurse will change the bandage on your neck. You’re in great health and everything is healing just as it should.”

  “When can I go home?” Weasley popped into my head and I struggled to sit up.

  “Woah, woah, woah. One thing at a time.” The doctor patted my shoulder, but didn’t try to force me back down. My head swam a bit, but I made it into a sitting position.

  “I have a cat, and I live alone.” My voice cracked, and I reached for the water my dad had set on the little table by the bed.

  “Of course you’re worried about a damn cat. You just got your throat slit and you want to take care of an animal.” My dad shook his head, a sneer on his face.

  “Weasley is fine, Julia.” The deep voice brought my attention to Cole who was standing next to the doctor, his fists clenched at his sides. His stance was aggressive, like he was about to pounce on someone. “I went and picked him up myself the day after you were attacked.” He leveled his gaze on my dad, a look that could kill plastered across his face.

  “Oh, joy. Now we can all sleep at night since we know where the fucking cat is.”

  “That’s enough, Arthur.” Cole didn’t speak loudly, but his voice and body seemed to dominate the room.

  “You have no—”

  “That’s enough,” Dr. Lewis snapped. “I’ve told you both plenty of times over the last two weeks that I won’t tolerate this kind of behavior. It’s not good for Julia, and it isn’t good for the hospital. I can have you both thrown out.” He glanced at Cole. “No matter how much money or guards you have. Understand?” Several heartbeats passed before both men nodded.

  They’ve been up here a lot? I considered the way they looked again. My dad’s pearl snap shirt was wrinkled, his jeans dirty, like he came up to the hospital fresh from working on the ranch. Cole’s expensive designer clothes were equally as disheveled. Both men with full beards.

  They were that worried about me? I didn’t know what to think. I didn’t know how to feel about it either. A thousand emotions were pushing at me from underneath my skin. I wanted to latch on to one and just feel, but I couldn’t. The emotions swirled around and around and I couldn’t catch one.

  A wave of exhaustion slammed into me. I leaned back into my pillows, letting my body go limp.

  “She needs rest, and your bickering isn’t going to help her. She needs your support, both of your support…” Dr. Lewis kept talking, but his words faded out, becoming a droning sound in the distance. My eyes slid closed. So tired. I let my mind drift. The pain started to ebb.

  I’m okay. Weasley’s okay. And for the moment, that was enough.

  NINE.

  “You need to eat more.”

  I sighed and glanced up at my dad from my picked-over chicken fried steak.

  “She doesn’t need you to pick her apart over what she’s eating.” Cole sat in the corner of my hospital room. The farthest possible distance from me without leaving the room altogether.

  “She needs to eat or she’s going to starve to death.”

  “Dad, come on, I’m not going to starve.” I gave him a weak smile. It had been three days since I woke up from the coma. Three days that seemed like years for how slowly they passed. My voice sounded almost normal again and the doctors claimed everything was looking good. If I continued recovering well, I could go home tomorrow.

  Home. Just thinking about going back to my empty apartment made me shiver. Nothing bad had happened to me there, but the thought of being alone terrified me. I wasn’t being a baby, at least that’s what I kept telling myself. The last time I was alone someone tried to kill me, so it’
s normal.

  Neither my dad nor Cole had left my side since I woke up. My dad hadn’t even left the hospital as far as I knew. He would take a shower in the one provided in my room. Those were the only moments I was ever left alone with Cole. I thought he would talk to me, say something, explain why he was here with me. Why he wouldn’t leave. But he didn’t. He just sat in a chair in the corner and stared at me with brooding, dark eyes.

  I wanted to ask him all of those questions, I wanted to ask about Elaine, if he was still marrying her. Of course he is, you idiot. She’s the person he’s supposed to be with. Memory of him using similar words when talking about Elaine made me feel physically ill. I couldn’t bring myself to ask those questions, I didn’t think I could bear hearing him say them again. I didn’t want to force him to say he didn’t care about me. That he was just here for…I don’t know what, but I was certain I wouldn’t like the answer.

  “I just want you to get better. That’s all.” Dad smiled genuinely at me. He’d been giving me more of those gentle expressions every day. In fact, I think he’d smiled at me more in the last three days than he had in my whole life. It felt weird at first, and still kind of did. Seeing him like this, caring and loving, made me wish I could forget the past and how fucked up our relationship had been throughout my childhood, until he kicked me out of his life. I almost regretted all the trouble I put him through. Almost. He had hated me, and I knew it. So I had strove to make him hate me even more.

  Maybe he didn’t hate me. Maybe he just didn’t understand me.

  I smiled back at him. Cole was silent in the corner, making no effort to comment. What is he thinking? He’d changed clothes at some point and wore some dark designer jeans and a simple dark blue v-neck. He still hadn’t shaved his beard, but he looked less haggard than he had when I first woke up. He wasn’t looking at me, but at the foot of my bed, as if the bland white sheets could answer all his questions about the world. So handsome.

  I bit down on my lip and continued to stare. He’s not mine. He never was.

  “For God’s sake, Julia, could you not eye-fuck the guy? I am sitting right here.” I jerked my head to look at my dad, causing a twinge in my neck. I winced, partly from the pain, partly from the condescending look on Dad’s face.

  “Dad, don’t be ridiculous.” I let out a nervous chuckle, refusing to look at Cole, whose attention was certainly focused on us now. “He was my boss. I wouldn’t look at him like that.”

  “Oh, your boss, huh?” Dad glanced between the two of us.

  I focused on one of the worn pearl snaps on my dad’s shirt as my cheeks heated. Why am I getting so embarrassed?

  “So that’s all this is? He isn’t your boyfriend or something?” He sounded genuinely surprised.

  I frowned and finally looked at Cole. He was staring at me, a small crooked smile on his lips, as if he was enjoying this conversation. Yeah, probably the eye-fucking part.

  I swallowed. “Yes, that’s all.”

  “Funny. That’s not what he told me.”

  “What?” I glanced back and forth between them. My dad was looking at Cole with interest. A look I didn’t like. My dad might have been a ranch owner, but he was by no means some country bumpkin. He was smart in business. It was how he had kept our ranch alive and thriving in the recession when agriculture had taken the hardest hit.

  “I told him the truth, that we were friends.” The smile left Cole’s face. “I just didn’t share that you also worked for me previously.”

  “Oh.” I nodded. “Yes, that’s true.” I didn’t miss how he used the word were instead of are.

  “Must’ve been pretty good friends for him to practically live up here while you’re in the hospital.”

  So I was right in thinking he never left? I didn’t know how that made me feel, but I also didn’t like the look in my dad’s eyes. He was eyeing Cole with a different kind of interest. Before, he had been disapproving of his presence, annoyed with it, but ultimately they had seemed to come to an unlikely truce. Now Dad was looking at him like he was reuniting with an enemy.

  The ring of a cell phone cut through the tension in the room. Dad dug around in his pocket before pressing the phone to his ear.

  “What?” I hated that he answered the phone that way. He never, ever answered with a simple hello. “What do you mean, Miguel left? He’s in charge.” Dad’s face hardened. “I don’t care if the Virgin Mary called him home, he wasn’t supposed to go home under any circumstances.” He was silent for a minute, but I could see the anger seeping out of him. “This is a fucking joke.” Pause. “Well, he’s done working for me and yes, you can tell him that.” He jerked the phone away from his ear and ended the call. “Fuck!” he said under his breath. “Can’t trust anyone.” He stood and patted my hand. “I have to run home. I don’t want to, but Miguel left and I need to get things figured out. The other boys are all young and don’t know how to do anything but take orders.”

  He seemed truly disappointed he had to leave, and I was oddly touched. “It’s okay, Dad. Go ahead. I’ll be okay.”

  “You’re staying?” He turned to Cole.

  Cole nodded, but said nothing.

  “Good.”

  And then he was gone and Cole and I were alone, really alone. And he was staring at me. Not just at my bed sheets or at my feet, he was staring right at me. I tried not to look at him and shuffled with the remote, flipping through channels. I couldn’t say what was on. My eyes may have been on the TV, but my attention was on Cole.

  He’s going to say something. I glanced at him finally. He was still staring, his dark blue eyes focused on my face. It made my skin prickle in a delicious way it hadn’t done since before I woke up three days ago.

  Seriously, Julia? This man hurts you repeatedly and you crave him? Pathetic.

  “Why are you here, Cole?” The words came spilling from my lips.

  He continued to stare at me, but said nothing, his face a blank mask.

  “You’re seriously not going to say anything?” Anger ripped through me, hard and deep. How could I have cared about a man like him, loved him? Love! I cringed. I hadn’t loved Cole. Really, I hadn’t. I couldn’t even consider that.

  When he gave no response I let out a sigh and threw my legs over the side of the bed. He could be silent all he wanted, but that didn’t mean I was going to sit in here and suffer through it. My bare feet touched the cold floor and I shivered. I’d been getting up several times a day to use the restroom and walk around a bit. I was still a little wobbly on my feet, but I was doing better. They said it was mostly because of the coma, that my legs just needed some time to readjust to carrying weight again.

  I took one step and stumbled over a cord on the floor. Before I could even blink, big warm hands clasped my side and elbow. “Careful, Julia.” I glanced up at Cole’s face, taking in his musky, masculine scent. Fuck, he was so handsome. His skin tan, his voice a rumble reminiscent of hot, beautiful sex.

  He hurt me, remember?

  I jerked away from him, only to stumble again. His hands were back on me before I could so much as teeter.

  “Let me help you, Julia. I don’t want you to hurt yourself.”

  I hated that he was right. I was too upset and still a little weak to go stomping around angrily. And in spite of not wanting to be home alone, I didn’t want to be in the hospital anymore.

  “I need to use the restroom,” I said. I didn’t really need to go, but I knew he would leave me alone in there, and I needed that. I needed to get away from him and clear my head of all the garbage swirling around inside it.

  “Okay.”

  I walked slowly, more slowly than I needed to, just so I could feel his big hands on me a little longer. The emotions inside me warred with one another. Always a war when it comes to him.

  We stepped in the little room together, gray tile walls surrounded us. I glanced at the mirror on my left. I knew what image would greet me, but I still looked anyway.

  I groaned at the sig
ht of my disheveled state. My hair was an utter mess, tied up in a haphazard bun that sat crooked on my head. My black-rimmed glasses sat on my nose, since the doctors removed my contacts several weeks ago. My blue hospital gown was too big and hung crooked across my body. My skin was pale, too pale. Almost as white as the thick bandage at my throat. I still hadn’t seen the scar. I didn’t want to see it. I didn’t even look like me anymore. Just a shell of my former self.

  “You look beautiful, Julia. Don’t doubt that.”

  I snapped my gaze up and met Cole’s in the mirror. The brooding mask that had been adorning his face for the last three days was gone. In its place was a look of pain, worry, anger; so many emotions flickered on his perfect skin and reflected back to me from his eyes. The emotions robbed me of my breath and I reached out and braced myself against the sink. I knew he wasn’t angry at me, but rather for me.

  He followed me, his big body brushing up against my backside gently.

  “Don’t say things like that, please.” I bit down on the inside of my cheek as heat built behind my eyes. I’d had to stave off tears a million times in the last three days.

  “It’s the truth,” he murmured.

  I gave a sad laugh and looked back at myself. “I have too much to deal with right now, Cole. I can’t deal with you too.”

  “Deal with me? I’ve been here to help you.”

  “Help me?” My eyes lingered on the bandage at my throat. Someone out there wants me dead. Someone wants to kill me. I should be dead right now. Horrible fear scattered across my skin. “No one can help me,” I snapped. “Someone wants to kill me, and you’re using it as an excuse to fucking stalk me.” I paused. “Again.”

  Before I knew what was happening, Cole spun me around until I was looking right up into his angry face. “That’s what you think this is? Me, stalking you? You think I’m here so I can know what you’re doing? You think that’s all this is, some sort of game to me?”

  I opened my mouth to respond, but he cut me off.