Scars

by Avery Ford

  Caleb didn’t.

  Fully dressed, Henry looked at himself in the mirror and turned from side to side to make sure he hadn’t missed any details. The dark gray complemented his skin tone, and the black tie and white shirt he paired it with popped. Henry thought he looked sleek and modern. Professional.

  He wasn’t a kid anymore, and he wasn’t a man being oppressed in an abusive relationship. He was his own person.

  Henry liked the man he saw.

  “I wish Caleb were here to see you like this,” he said to himself softly. Henry smoothed a hand down his front and shook his head. “But maybe this is a sign that what you want isn’t always what’s best.”

  Pritchard had been like that, he reminded himself. Henry had wanted him more than anything in the world, had given up his entire life for him, and come away from it weaker and worse off than before. Getting a job and leaving Caleb behind wasn’t what he wanted at all, but maybe it was for the best.

  Henry glanced over his shoulder at the intricate, domed box beneath his bed. The tiny stuffed bird Caleb had won him lived inside of it now, along with the sliver of wood, the rabbit, the seed pearls, and the broken pocket watch. All of them were tokens from people he loved and who had made an impact on his life — his parents and his maternal grandparents. Now Caleb’s influence was part of the mix.

  “Never stop singing,” Henry murmured. He took in a deep breath, held his shoulders back, determined. Caleb was right. No matter what happened to him, he had to stay positive and do what felt right to him, no matter what others thought.

  No matter what Caleb thought.

  Henry gathered his things, cast the room one last glance, then headed down the stairs. He had to trust that Caleb would do what was right.

  Henry would do the same.

  Caleb

  Caleb ran like he’d never run before. Each slap of his shoe against the pavement pounded in his ears and chattered in his jaw, like he was a loosely connected skeleton instead of a real man. His breath puffed in front of him, the steamy clouds billowing before they dissipated into nothing. Pinpricks of pain, almost like burning, choked his lungs and his throat. More than anything, Caleb wanted something to drink.

  He didn’t stop running.

  He ran in the opposite direction of town, hitting the outskirts of the residential area before long. Blue Mountain was forested, and he followed the line of the trees as the houses grew sparser and the snow plowing grew sloppier. There was one plow in town, and he figured that traffic was a non-issue in areas like these, so the sweep it had made was quick and rudimentary. Caleb didn’t care. When pavement gave way to snow, he crunched through it. All he knew was that he had to keep running.

  Working out had been part of his daily routine before the accident. At the fire station, he’d worked out with the guys between calls. Stretching, cardio, weight lifting…Caleb missed it. It ate him up that he had the lung capacity of a senior citizen who’d been heavily smoking since their teens. Running once gave him life, and now it threatened to steal it away.

  He came to a stop in a cul-de-sac. Forests and uneven terrain stretched out before him. As a teenager, Caleb had come here with Kota and a few other friends to shoot the shit and skip school. The hills were dangerous, and there were some steep inclines that an adult would never dare attempt to climb down, especially in snowy weather. As kids, they’d been indestructible. All of them had made it through, and most of them had become first responders. Caleb had moved to take a firefighting opportunity down in Texas, Kota worked for the police force in town, Crew had gone off and become a SEAL, Francine was an EMT, and even Louie was off somewhere working dispatch for 911 a few states over, last Caleb had heard.

  And here he was, back at the beginning, looking to start his life over.

  Caleb kicked his heel into the compacted snow in front of him, breaking off a chunk. What was he doing, sulking and hiding from Henry? The kid who’d climbed down the inclines outside of town like they were no big deal would have shaken his head at the man he’d grown up into. The friends he’d kept would have had harsh words for him about getting his head out of his ass.

  Who was he to complain?

  Caleb watched a point in the distance, obscured regularly by the clouds of his panted breath. His lungs still burned, and his throat was on fire. The cold bit at his face and iced the damaged tissue in his trachea. Who the fuck was he to get so worked up over a man? Caleb had never let a man stand in his way before.

  Henry was special, and he wasn’t going to pretend otherwise, but Henry was his own person. Henry had feelings, and hopes, and dreams, and Caleb had to accept that he wasn’t a part of them. Being dramatic about it wasn’t going to help anything.

  “It’s just like gossip,” he said out loud. “All you need to do is brace yourself for it. You can’t stop it, and you can’t change it. You need to get over it and realize that it’s not a reflection of you.”

  Caleb walked forward a few more steps, leaving the snow-covered street to head into the surrounding forests. There was no doubt that someone owned the land, but he didn’t care. In fact, Caleb was sure if the owner did see him trespassing, they wouldn’t say anything. Without his hood up or a scarf to hide his face, it was obvious who he was. No one ever wanted to step forth and speak with the burn victim — the firefighter who’d lost the fight.

  Caleb passed the first few trees, careful of his step. He knew that the snow could hide pitfalls or mask slopes. He wasn’t looking to hurt himself. All he wanted was to get back in touch with the kid he’d been, who had hopes and dreams and purpose. Henry was back home forging his own destiny, and it was time that Caleb got in touch with himself and figured out what the next steps forward would be.

  He hesitated before one of the steep inclines he’d zipped up and down with Kota and the rest of their friends during his young teenage years. He was a good thirty feet from the street, and the trees obscured him from the rest of town.

  Caleb needed something to cling to, even if it was just the hope that things would get better.

  Henry was a small blip along the way, and he knew that they needed to work things out face to face, but Henry wasn’t the sole source of his problems. Since being released from the hospital, Caleb had walled himself up and refused to let others in. He needed social interaction. He needed to start exercising again and not shying away because he was too frail. If he could figure out a way to boost his self-esteem and get out in public, people would stop talking about him. They’d realize he was the same spunky young man who’d left Blue Mountain just a few years ago and back off. Change their tune.

  And from there?

  Caleb’s thoughts were interrupted by the rustling of a nearby bush, and a shrill, pathetic whine that broke his heart. He turned his head to look toward the sound and saw a thick cluster of shrubs and bramble. Tiny twigs snapped, and the bush trembled. There was another whine.

  Caleb stepped forward, expecting to find a mangled creature on its deathbed. He squatted by the movement and carefully reached forward to move some of the branches away.

  A pair of vibrant brown eyes looked up at him from inside. It was a dog.

  Caleb stared down at the dog for a second, looking him over. Its white coat blended well against the snow, and if it hadn’t been for the black nose and the black spots on his floppy ears, he wouldn’t have been able to see him easily. The dog whimpered, but didn’t move.

  “Hey there, little guy,” Caleb murmured. The dog looked an awful lot like a Dalmatian, but Caleb didn’t know why there would be one out in the woods. Dalmatians weren’t all that easy to come by. “You wanna come out? I can take you back to town, bring you back to your family.”

  The dog didn’t move. He whimpered again, then hunkered down in the snow and withdrew back into the bush.

  Caleb couldn’t leave him there.

  “C’mon, buddy. I’m not going to hurt you.” Caleb moved around the bush to follow it. “Come out and we’ll go back to town, okay? My friend K
ota’s got a microchip scanner, and we can figure out who you belong to.”

  Caleb parted the bushes again. The dog was lying on a snow patch. Caleb was about to reach out when he saw the snow move.

  It wasn’t snow at all.

  With a gasp he pulled his hand back, and when he caught his breath, he leaned forward to look more carefully. There were five puppies huddled up against the dog, all of them pure white. It looked like the Dalmatian wasn’t a him after all. She was a mother.

  “Oh. Well.” Caleb looked at the puppies, then up to the mother. “We’ll find where all of you belong. What do you think about that?”

  The mother dog whined again, but when Caleb reached out to touch her, she didn’t recoil or bare her teeth. He petted the side of her head to gain her trust.

  “We’re going to get you and your babies home,” Caleb promised. Gently, he guided her out of the bush and told her to sit. She listened to his command and held position as he scooped the puppies into his arm one by one. Caleb knew that with them, the mother wouldn’t wander far.

  Five squirming pups in is arm, he nodded in the direction of the street. “C’mon, mama. Let’s get you in to see my friend Kota and get you and your family fed and warm.”

  The Dalmatian mother picked her butt off the ground and wagged her tail, eyes fixed on him. They walked together back to the street, then headed for the police station.

  Caleb had left home to find clarity and purpose, but it looked like purpose had found him.

  Henry

  Henry slept in Caleb’s bed that night, but he couldn’t bring himself to say the words he’d wanted to say earlier that morning. Something had changed between them, and both of them danced around the issue. Henry knew that Caleb felt it, too. When they had sex, he was distant. The passion that sparked so naturally between them was subdued. Ignored.

  Henry hated it, but he knew that it was necessary.

  The interview had gone well. Really well. Henry was sure it was a matter of time before they called him back and offered him the job.

  And on the way home, he’d received two other calls for interviews in other cities several hours away.

  Blue Mountain wasn’t in his future, and neither was Caleb.

  Caleb rolled away from him, spent, and removed his condom. Henry relaxed on the bed, tired from the drive he’d put in, but feeling on top of the world due to his success. Caleb settled beside him once he’d disposed of the condom, but there was no pillow talk. Most nights, Henry would have tucked himself against Caleb’s chest and talked about anything and everything until one of them fell asleep. Tonight, that wasn’t happening.

  Caleb got up and left the room without a word, and Henry heard him in the bathroom. As he listened, he thought about the time they had left. Was it weeks? Days? If he was going to leave, he wanted Caleb to know how much he’d valued their time together.

  Henry didn’t fall in love with every man he met, and he felt valued by even fewer of them. Before he met Pritchard, he’d been a virgin. Since Pritchard, he hadn’t dated anyone. Fear kept him from acting. Caleb had changed that. Henry couldn’t stay silent about it.

  As damaged as Caleb was, he needed some reassurance.

  Caleb returned to the room and settled on his side of the bed. They did not touch.

  “I want to say something,” Henry said softly. The room was dark, but Henry saw as Caleb shifted on the bed to look in his direction. “I want you to listen to it this time, okay? No more running.”

  “I’ll listen.” Caleb was back to sounding like the closed-off guy he’d been when they’d first met. Henry held back a sigh.

  “I wanted to tell you how much I appreciate the time we’ve spent together. It’s, um, I have a hard time trusting people, and the fact that we’re able to do this so easily together is a really big thing for me. I want you to know how special that is for me. Thank you.”

  Caleb was quiet, like he was contemplating what to say. After a long while where he said nothing at all, Henry added on to his statement.

  “When I said that I was side-tracked? I, um, I met a guy during my second year of college, and I fell for him hard. He was attractive, and charismatic, and he made me feel like I was the only guy in the world.” The early days had been like a fairy tale. Henry still missed them, and it made him feel guiltier than anything else. “After the first month, I was in love with him. I was skipping school so we could be together, and the second he asked me to drop out and move in with him full-time, I didn’t even think about it before I said yes. He promised he’d look after me, that I wouldn’t have to work a day in my life if I didn’t want to, and that I’d never have to go back home to see my parents.”

  Now that the memories had started, they wouldn’t stop. Henry lay still on the bed, reliving it all. The high he felt from those first few months still stirred his pulse. The months that followed chilled him.

  “So we moved in together. I withdrew from college and stayed in his house. He set me up with a list of chores, and I was glad to take care of them all because I was so in love. When he started yelling because I wasn’t keeping up with the house in the exact way he wanted it, I honestly thought it was my fault.” He paused, drew in a breath. “I learned ways to keep him from yelling. I stayed quiet, I became submissive, and I initiated sex so he wouldn’t remember to punish me.”

  Caleb said nothing. Henry wondered if he’d fallen asleep, or if Caleb thought he was rambling. It didn’t matter. Henry hadn’t told anyone the whole story, not even Beth. Different people knew different pieces, but no one knew the full picture except for himself. He wanted Caleb to know, too. They’d keep each other’s secrets.

  “After the first year and a half living together, I forgot to season his eggs before I served them to him with breakfast, and something inside of him snapped. He um, well.” Henry didn’t know if he could say it, but he pushed onward. “I was cleaning up while he was getting ready to go to work, and he came up behind me and bashed my skull in with the frying pan I used to cook the eggs with, just screaming at me. I didn’t even understand what he was saying, and I lost consciousness almost right away, but the seconds before that took forever, like time had slowed down.”

  Henry lifted his hand to trace along the back of his head. A thin scar rested within his hairline, hidden from sight.

  “I passed out on the kitchen floor, and by the time I got up it was late morning and Pritchard was gone to work.”

  “Pritchard?” Caleb asked. It was the first sign that he was listening, and Henry was glad to get some feedback.

  “Yeah. My ex-boyfriend. He was in his thirties when we met, with his own house and a career. I thought it was meant to be.”

  “What the fuck is his last name?” Caleb growled, and Henry’s heart soared. The chemistry between them sparked again, and Henry’s gut lurched. Caleb had listened, but more than that, he’d been stirred by the story. He wanted to hurt Pritchard for how he’d hurt Henry.

  “No. I’m not going to say.” Henry stared through the darkness. It was enough that Caleb wanted to avenge him; he didn’t need him to follow through. “It wasn’t the last time he hit me, but it was the worst. Six months later, I figured out that I needed to get out, or I was going to die. So I left and came back home to my parents. He followed me, threatened me, caused a scene here in town. Kota had to come, and Pritchard ran before any arrests could be made. That’s the day I met Kota and we became friends. I don’t want you in the same kind of trouble. I want you to take the higher road.”

  Caleb did not comment, but Henry knew he was still wound tight and ready to attack. The dominance thrilled him.

  Caleb made it hard to remember that they were nothing more than roommates.

  “So I mean, I know it was a lot for you to come to bed with me and show your scars, but I’ve got some of my own, and it was hard for me, too. But you made it easy. I really wanted to let you know how good you’ve been for me, for my recovery. So, thank you for being you, and for accepting me for w
ho I am.”

  Caleb said nothing else. A minute ticked by where no words were spoken, and Henry assumed the conversation was over. Their chemistry fizzled. Henry rolled over, his back to Caleb.

  It looked like there was nothing between them anymore. The bond they’d shared was gone.

  Henry needed to accept it. He’d be moving soon, anyway. Getting over the heartbreak before the next chapter of his life was only going to help him.

  Caleb rolled over and hooked his arm over Henry’s waist, then drew Henry against his chest. His hot breath puffed against Henry’s neck, and he pressed a kiss to his nape. Henry sighed contentedly, and all of his muscles loosened. His knees turned to jelly.

  In Caleb’s arms he was safe. Protected. Loved.

  He resolved to cherish those moments until there were no more left to have.

  Caleb

  Caleb kicked his heel back against the metal leg of the chair, listening to the tinny clink. The small office the ophthalmologist worked out of was silent. Charts of the human eye decorated the wall, but there were few other details that drew Caleb’s attention. The doctor’s desk was orderly, and there was no paper-covered examination table to speak of.

  He’d traveled a long way to sit in this small room, and Caleb hoped the trip was worth it.

  The door opened. Dr. Sawyer, the ophthalmologist, walked in. He was a rotund man dressed in a white lab coat, his silver hair thinning at the top and swept from his face. Caleb stood when he entered the room.

  “Caleb Anders, a pleasure to meet you.” Dr. Sawyer extended his hand, and Caleb shook it. The scar material on his right hand loosened his grip from how tight it was, but he was glad to see Dr. Sawyer didn’t recoil. “I’ve heard a lot about you from Dr. Rinder down in Texas. Why don’t you take a seat and we’ll go over some of your history together so I have a good feel for what we’re looking at?”