Cruising Through to Fulfilment

by Ann M Pratley

  Tanya saw Greg's eyes shift from her to David, and stifled an embarrassed laugh at the absurdity of the situations she kept finding herself in. Now how was she going to explain things? Her mind thought quickly as she recovered from her initial shock, and she spoke to bring Greg's attention back to her and away from David.

  "The police told me I had to stay…" she started and Greg cut her off.

  "Why would the police talk to you?"

  "Because they knew that I knew you, and that I had met Brigitte," Tanya replied, seeing his confusion.

  "But how would they know that?"

  "They came to the hotel, and talked to me…" she started again but once more he was talking over her, his mind obviously working.

  "Oh well it doesn’t matter now. They have the guy who … killed her," Greg said, tears starting to form in his eyes.

  He couldn't speak any more in that moment, feeling heavy emotion as he thought about Brigitte and his role in making her last days of life not happy. He could have - should have - made time for her. She had been an important person in his life, regardless of what she had done, and he should not have dismissed her so easily just because he had met someone new.

  David watched the interaction with wary eyes, but was surprised to see Greg break down in front of them. At a personal level, David had to concede that Greg had lost someone from his life - from what Tanya had said, Greg and his girlfriend had broken up and weren't together, but still, to learn that she had been killed must have been a horrible thing to find out. He himself had had almost two years of advance notice that Laney was going to die and that was hard enough, having that much warning.

  He couldn't huddle over Tanya, he saw now. She had to make her own decisions and want to come to him, without him pushing himself between her and Greg. He moved closer to her, touched her arm and forced her to look at him.

  "I will go up to my room, and see you later," he said and she gave him a look of sadness, feeling sorry that yet again something - someone - was demanding her attention other than him.

  Tanya nodded her head at him, lowering her eyes to avoid the discomfort she felt, and secretly thanking him for saying my room instead of our room.

  After David left in the lift, Tanya looked back at Greg, seeing again that piercing look that he knew so well how to give her.

  "Let's go and get a coffee," he suggested and she nodded and let him lead her into the hotel restaurant where café service was offered during the day.

  After getting coffee and sitting down, he found himself recovered in demeanour and could think better.

  "Paul said you told him you got my note," he said and she nodded. "Why didn't you call or contact me? I know it was uncomfortable those few days with Brigitte around, but I thought you would still talk to me."

  "So you were still here when Paul was here?" she asked and he nodded. "He was really worried about you!"

  He looked at her, wanting her to give him an answer to his question, but she seemed reluctant to talk.

  "I had gone home but then after the police let Brigitte's mum know what had happened, she called me and asked me to come here with her, to help her with everything that she had to do," he said, tears welling up again as he thought over the moment that he had received and processed the news himself.

  "You weren't in Vancouver when Brigitte was found?"

  He shook his head.

  "No, that day that you asked me to leave I went straight to the airport and flew home. I wanted to be away from you, with no way to see you or her."

  "But Greg, what happened that morning? You left with Brigitte and then you came back and I didn't think about it then - but next morning I saw the news in the paper…"

  Greg looked at her, starting to interpret her words and feel horrified at the analysis his mind took him into.

  "You don't think I had anything to do with her dying?" he asked and Tanya could not hide the guilt and shame on her face. "Tanya, I know you and I didn't spend much time together - and that Brigitte was annoying me - but you thought I killed her?"

  Tanya raised her eyes to look at him, feeling silly at having made the assumption, but at the same time, thinking back to all that she had seen and heard.

  "You were in the police station…"

  He looked sharply at her.

  "Yes, I went to identify the body, on her mother's behalf, and at the police station I told them everything that had happened during the time we were in Vancouver together," he said and took a deep breath to calm his emotion. It was bad enough that all this had happened, but thinking that someone thought he was capable of murder put him into a whole other level of emotional turmoil. He fought to maintain calm and not take it personally. "How did you know I was at the police station?"

  "I was there - I walked past a room you were in and I could see you."

  "And you thought … I was a suspect?" he asked, with a look of horror on his face. "How could you think that of me?"

  Tanya didn't know how to reply to that. Everything just felt so … awful.

  Greg took a few minutes to just look at her. He was hurt that she would feel that way about him, but could see that perhaps from an outside point of view, he could have been viewed as someone who could be driven to hurt Brigitte. He could have taken the time to tell Tanya what he and Brigitte had done that morning - simply gone to sit down and talk while trying to enjoy a coffee together - as potential friends - but what did it matter now anyway? Brigitte was gone and there would no more opportunities to make up for anything there.

  "Where is Paul?" she asked, breaking him out of his thoughts.

  He looked at her closely. On the ship he had thought that Tanya and Paul were more suited than her and him were, and now as she asked about Paul, he remembered that touch of jealousy he had experienced initially. But he knew she wasn't asking about him in any romantic sense, and he pulled in his emotion.

  "He is still here. We are flying home together tonight," Greg replied.

  Sitting together, it seemed now like nothing had ever happened romantically between them. Whatever it was that they had felt, was now dead and done. As Tanya pondered that, she wondered if she should expect the same thing to happen between her and David. Always, she started relationships well, but over relatively short periods of time found that energy sapped out. Why did it always happen to her? As she looked at Greg she did wonder how different things could have been if Brigitte hadn't been in Vancouver. Would Tanya and Greg have spent a good week together and have finished their time together happy?

  "Tanya…" Greg started, feeling like he should say something, but not sure what they should be saying to one another. They looked at each other in silence for a few minutes before he continued, smiling for the first time, albeit sadly. "You were right when you said we aren't meant to be together, but I really did enjoy every minute I got to spend with you," he said, reaching to touch her hand.

  Tanya knew she should pull away, but she didn't, enjoying the comfort of his hand on hers.

  "So did I, Greg," she said, thoughtful. "And I never did thank you for that beautiful dream catcher you bought for me, so thank you."

  He had forgotten about the dream catcher, and now was reminded of the day that he bought it, in Skagway - how excited he had been, to be choosing something special to buy for her. Everything had seemed exciting then, and none of them could have anticipated what had happened since.

  "Can we stay in touch?" he asked and she nodded, feeling like she was under a spell, looking at him. "Here," he said, using a pen and one of the serviettes off the table to write down his address, and then handing her the pen and another serviette to prompt her to do the same.

  She took a deep breath and wrote down her address, and tucked his into her pocket.

  "I had better go upstairs to pack up and get ready to leave," he continued, looking at her, making sure he had time to take memory of her face this time, before he walked away. "I am sorry about the craziness of our time together. I wish Brigitte hadn't com
e here - I should have handled that differently and then she might still be alive…"

  "Greg, you don't know that. Whoever hurt her…" Tanya started to say but Greg cut her off.

  "They know who it was, Tanya - it was that guy she was with in the restaurant," he said as his eyes started to water. "And if I hadn't tossed her aside at the port, she would have been with me instead of him."

  "But who was he? Maybe he, in his sick mind, had some reason that he focused on her, and would have got to her anyway."

  Greg took a minute to think about this. Perhaps Tanya was right, but then what did it matter - Brigitte was still dead. Thinking that, he now started to really work hard to hold back a sob that was threatening. Brigitte was dead - that was the thought that kept getting to him. She wasn't perfect but she didn't deserve that.

  Tanya watched him start to cry, and the sight made tears threaten in her own eyes also. She felt him tighten his hand around hers before he pulled it up to his mouth and kissed it.

  "How can things so quickly go from being so wonderful to something so horrible?" he asked and Tanya squeezed his hand back.

  "I don't know. People dying is horrible, but you will be okay, Greg. You are strong and I am sure Brigitte's mother appreciates all that you have done."

  He nodded.

  "Yes, it was nice to be able to help and support her. She has always been so nice to me, even after Brigitte and I split up." Silence. "Life can be so short - I need to move on from all of this and find what I want."

  "What do you want?" Tanya asked and once again his intense stare resumed.

  "I want a family. I want to find someone to love for the rest of my life, and with that person I want to have kids," he said, surprising Tanya as she hadn't thought of him as someone who would enjoy being around children, with his intensity. She smiled at him warmly.

  "I have no doubt you will find that easily enough, Greg. You could have any woman you want," she said.

  "What about you?" he asked and she was taken aback, completely uncertain what context he was meaning with that question.

  She waited to see if he would elaborate, but he was silent, holding her hand and looking at her deeply.

  "What about me … what?" she asked, hoping there was no correlation between her 'any woman you want' words and his 'what about you' reply. He continued and she let out a sigh of relief.

  "Where do you see your life going now?"

  "Oh … I am staying here for another week and then heading back to New Zealand, and life will return to normal," she replied, not wanting to bring David into the conversation.

  "And then?"

  "And then time will tell where my life leads, Greg," she answered, pulling her hand back from his. "None of us know what is coming next - we just have to go with the flow and see what card fate deals us. You will find what you want, I am sure, and I wish you all the happiness in finding that."

  He pulled his hand back also and looked at her.

  "I do wish things had been different for you and me. I know that what I felt was real…" he started to say.

  "It doesn’t matter now, Greg. Let's just put our time behind us as something amazing that happened," she said, feeling tears threatening. "I came to Vancouver, and onto the ship, wondering if I would even meet anyone my own age! The adventure I've ended up being on has been anything but boring," she continued, forcing a small laugh out of her.

  When she smiled and laughed he saw her face light up, like it had before the craziness happened. It reminded him of how beautiful she was, and how alluring she could be. He had to move, he knew, to get away from her.

  "I have to go, Tanya," he said, standing up. "I … hope you enjoy your time here and have a safe journey home."

  She stood up and opened her arms to him, leaving it to him if he would feel comfortable with the two of them hugging or not.

  Greg looked at her, opening herself up to him, welcoming him to wrap his arms around her, and happily walked into her hold. Feeling his arms around her, Tanya felt a common comfort and let herself remember her time with him. There was no desire in the hug, like she wondered if there would be - it was just comfortable and familiar, and not unpleasant. They stood like that for a long while, neither speaking, until a voice appeared beside them.

  "Hey."

  The both looked around and saw Paul standing close to them, a confused look on his face.

  "I am packed and my bags are down here so you just need to grab yours, Greg, and we can head to the airport," he said.

  Greg pulled out of the hug and kissed Tanya on the cheek before turning to Paul.

  "Okay, I'll grab my bag and be right back," he said, heading out the door.

  Tanya looked at Paul and held her arms out again. Paul looked at her, wanting to say so many things to her that he hadn't thought of when they were at sea. He didn't move so she walked up to him instead, now close enough for him to easily hug her if he wanted. He looked down into her eyes.

  "I kept thinking about you all the way home," he said to her, surprising her greatly. "I wish you and I could have gotten to know each other better."

  She now put her arms around him, not waiting for him to initiate. Slowly he wrapped his arms around her too, revelling in the feeling of being so close to her.

  Tanya pulled away again so she could look into his eyes.

  "I thought about you too, Paul, after Greg left. I did question why…" she started and paused before continuing, wondering briefly if she should, in fact, be open and honest about such things, or if it were in some way dishonest to David. "Why I felt compelled to be with him when I could see so much good and so much of value in you."

  He looked surprised at what she was saying.

  "You are such a good man, and you made my cruise experience so wonderful - more so than Greg or Tracey - it was you, Paul, with your amazing knowledge and your ability to make people feel at ease around you. And I, too, very much wish we could have gotten to know each other better."

  Paul was too surprised to speak. Whether she was saying these things in a romantic way or just in terms of a friendship, he did not know, but whichever it was, it was incredible to hear her say them. He knew that it was not a right thing to do, but in this moment of time he decided to not care about other people and do what he wanted to do - just once - and he leaned down and kissed her strongly, surprising both of them.

  She didn't pull away even though she knew she had to. They were alone for the moment and both of them grabbed it to explore the possibility of how things could have been different. It wasn't a passionate kiss, but it also wasn't without feeling.

  Pulling apart quick enough that no-one would have seen them, they looked into each other's eyes and Paul smiled broadly at her. He had done it, half expecting her to push him away, and she hadn't. Even now she didn't have any look of remorse or regret on her face at all, and he loved that, and wondered at her for it.

  "I … hmm …" he started, looking confused and delighted at the same time, making Tanya smile and laugh softly.

  They smiled at each other, like two people who now had a little secret that no-one else would ever know about. To Tanya he was still just such a likable man, with his kind and open nature and his high degree of knowledge about the world - she knew that on so many levels the two of them were actually well suited.

  Paul finally found his words.

  "Thank you," he said, shyly, endearing himself strongly to her. "I … may have wanted to do that for quite a while."

  Now he was blushing, but smiling at the same time, and Tanya enjoyed looking at him. He really was a good looking man - she remembered thinking that when she had first seen him on board the ship - but right from when she saw him, Greg was also there, overshadowing Paul with his ongoing intensity. She knew that at any moment Greg would come back, and found herself enjoying this moment too much to miss any opportunity.

  Tanya pushed herself against him and pulled him into a kiss again, kissing him back as strongly as he had just done to
her. Not for long - it was over quickly - but with as much meaning as she could give to him. Now as she looked at him again, she could see his look changing.

  Paul was stunned when she kissed him back - it was so unexpected and so unusual for him. He knew that women liked him, but always as a good friend and never in any romantic sense. As a result he never felt attractive at all, so having Tanya kiss him made him feel, at least for that moment, like perhaps he wasn't such an ogre after all. He cursed himself silently, feeling himself blushing profusely.

  Tanya pulled back from him completely, not wanting Greg to see them. This was a nice way to say goodbye to Paul, she thought to herself, and smiled softly at him.

  "You have to have more faith in yourself, Paul," she said, breaking into his thoughts and responding as if she had heard them. "You are an incredible man and you are gorgeous. I like you very much."

  Paul came around in his senses and took a step back from her, wanting to distance himself. He could openly see why men so easily fell under her spell - it was like she was the flame and they all were the moths. It wasn't even because she was beautiful to look at - although she was - he had recognised that when he had first seen her. It was something else about her that drew men in - perhaps the general sense of friendliness, openness and likeability that emanated from her. And the most alluring thing of all was that she seemed completely oblivious to it - it was like she really didn't know how she affected people when they were in her company - like it didn't occur to her that she was in any way beautiful or attractive.

  They stood apart, quiet, and looked at each other, each in their own thoughts. When Greg returned there was nothing to suggest they had done anything but stand exactly like that for the entire 10 minutes he had been away.

  "Are you ready Paul?" Greg asked and Paul turned to him.

  "Yeah, let's go," he said. He turned back to Tanya and gave her one more smile. "Write to me?" he asked gingerly and she nodded.

  "Take care of yourself," Greg said to her, kissing her on the cheek again before also turning and walking away.

  She didn't move to walk with them or see them out. She watched them leave the restaurant area, seeing Paul turn at the last moment and give her one more shy smile, and then they were gone. This time for good.