Cruising Through to Fulfilment

by Ann M Pratley

  Tanya repositioned herself so she was lying along the length of the sofa, looking out over the buildings. Now she had to decide if she needed to consider these letters any big thing, or if they could be laughed off and forgotten. Certainly Greg's letters she had no desire to respond to. Whatever crazy connection they had felt was certainly dead and gone, and there was nothing else that would have sustained a friendship between the two of them.

  But Paul - did she want to turn her back on that possible friendship completely? No - that was the answer she knew she believed in. She wanted to write to him. And it was possible that in her situation now he would not pursue it anyway, but she at least had to write and let him know what was happening in her life.

  She jumped up and found some writing paper and pen and sat down at the dining table.

  'Dear Tracey, I have now received your letter, although a bit late! I am so glad that you made it home safely and that you are happy to be home. I was not able to go back to New Zealand when I had planned to, due to such a horrid thing that happened in Vancouver. From your letter I don't know if Paul told you what happened or not, but in brief, the girl at the terminal was Greg's ex, and the day after that she was found dead - murdered. So I was held back for questioning about her and Greg. I didn't see Greg in that time, although he did leave a note for me to contact him. But we didn't last even two days together in Vancouver, Tracey! It had all felt so right at the time but then it didn't feel right at all. I guess the magic of the ship cast over us but it was only like a little dream and didn't transfer into reality. So he had left and I didn't see him again for another couple of weeks, when I ran into him and Paul both. It was nice seeing Paul, I have to say. He is such as friendly and open person that I admire him really, and hope he will be accepting of the letter I am going to write to him. Oh but Tracey, I have such news to share with you. When I was in Vancouver I met a wonderful man - David - who saw me through the stresses of what was happening surrounding the murder. He was there the whole time and after I returned to New Zealand he came to visit me, and then I visited him in New York. And now we are married and I am having a baby! It doesn't seem like so long since we were all on that ship together. How quickly life can change and get so serious. I did not get your letter for a while as I was in New York when you sent it. You said you had not heard from Carlos - has that changed? He really did seem like he wanted to know you. Things get so messed up sometimes, but I hope that you are happy, whatever is happening now. You will have to send me an update. I am in New York right now but will be going back to my home in New Zealand in a few weeks so still write to me there. Take care, Tracey, and keep in touch. Tanya'

  Tanya sat and re-read the letter and took a moment to wonder if she had left anything major out, but once happy with it, sealed it in an envelope and prepared to write her second letter. A different letter. A much more difficult letter to write, as she didn't know what would be welcome for Paul to hear and what wouldn't.

  'Dear Paul, thank you for your letters. All four of them arrived when I was not in New Zealand so I am sorry for taking so long to reply. It was a nice surprise to get back and find them all there. I also received letters from Greg, and Tracey. I wrote back to Tracey but I do not want to write to Greg. Too many things happened and I am still not sure I really got to know the real him, even though at the time, on the ship, it felt like I did. I am sorry that you may be caught in receiving my letter but not knowing whether to tell him or not. That is your choice. Like I say, I won't have anything to do with him so he won't know from me. I do want to keep in touch with you. I do need to tell you that much has changed since I saw you. It hasn't been very long I suppose but Paul I am now married, and pregnant, and partially living in New York. A big change, huh! When we met there was no possible way for me to imagine this life that I am living. You saw David in the hotel that day. He is now my husband. My husband! But he is wonderful, Paul. I know the two of you would get on. You are quite alike in nature. Do you ever get over here to New York? It would be nice to see you without any drama surrounding us. Just two friends having a chat. I did value the time we had together, and did wonder at times if things could have been different. You surprised me the morning that you and Greg left the hotel! But I wasn't offended or insulted Paul. I can't dwell on that now though. It isn't right for me to do so. Oh please write again. I am putting my New York address on this letter and will be here for another six weeks or so, then I will be back in New Zealand, where I will stay until after the baby is born. Please write again. I really do want to stay in touch with you. Tanya'

  She took a few minutes to stare out the window and not think anything, before putting this letter also in its envelope and sealing it. Was it any kind of betrayal to write to Paul? It didn't seem like it - but then that kiss! The kiss that happened when David was just upstairs in the same hotel. But then it was only one kiss - well, two really if she let herself remember truthfully what had happened. And although one of those she could claim she didn't initiate, she would have to take full responsibility for the second one. That was definitely all on her.

  Tanya heard the apartment door open, breaking her out of her reverie. She saw David come into view and was instantly transformed in her level of happiness and alertness. He came up to her, where she was sitting at the table, and kissed her, looking at her with a look of curiosity on his face.

  "Were you daydreaming, my wonderful wife?" he asked and Tanya melted at the sound of him using that word - wife! She was still getting used to that.

  Tanya saw David take in the letters spread over the table, and a brief look of something on his face - fear? Concern? Doubt? She decided to be honest and not hide anything from him.

  "No, I read all of these letters and have just replied to Tracey and Paul," she said to him as he sat down in a chair next to her.

  "And Greg?" he asked and she shook her head.

  "No, I don't want to talk to Greg. He wrote to me twice but I don't think he will write again since I haven't responded."

  "So he won't know you are married…" he started to say, letting his words drift off into nothingness.

  "Well he will soon because I told Paul in my letter to him that I am happily married to you and that we are having a baby. He is Greg's best friend so I expect the news will probably reach Greg."

  David thought about what she was saying, trying to process it and work out if he had anything to worry about. Looking at her, he could see that she had recently cried, and wondered if in receiving these letters there was a part of her that wished she was single.

  "Stop dwelling on people who only passed through my life for only a week or so," Tanya said to him, seeing his worries all over his face. "David, I love you and you don't need to worry about me and my relationships with other people. I want to stay in touch with Paul and if the opportunity presents itself, I want to see him. He is a good person. In fact, as I told him in my letter, the two of you are very alike, with your intelligence and knowledge. I think the two of you would get on well … but you are who I love."

  He stood up and pulled her up, into his arms, before kissing her.

  "Okay, my beautiful wife, no more will be said on that subject. I love you so much, Tanya," he said and kissed her more.

  * * * *

  The next day Tanya walked to the post office to post her letters, hesitating slightly before posting the one to Paul. But she had told David she wanted to still talk to Paul, and see him if possible, and he had not objected. So why did she feel so nervous about it? If Paul had any issue with her being married and about to become a mum, that would be okay - that was his right.

  She let the letter drop into the box and took a deep breath.

  "Well there's no turning back from that now," she mumbled to herself quietly.

  Chapter 30

  Another couple of weeks passed and Tanya let the letters drift from her mind, having thrown out the two from Greg, put Tracey's letter somewhere safe, and still being uncertain about what to do with Paul
's. She thought about his location. Having pulled out a map she had seen he was on the same side of the country that she was, although she had no idea of actual distances or time to get anywhere in this new country.

  David found himself watching her more and more. Before he had watched her because she was so beautiful. Now he watched her in wonder that inside of her was new life growing, and he didn't want her to do anything to cause any risk to herself or the baby. When she went to reach up high for something, he was there to make sure she didn't risk climbing on a chair and possibly falling. When she wanted to move the sofa to a new position to take advantage of the changing sun, he pushed her aside and made sure to do that himself. There were still six weeks to go until they were going to fly back to New Zealand to settle in for the birth of their child. Their child! He could still hardly believe it was happening, after all these years. He had previously given up on being a father, and yet it had happened so easily and quickly when they stopped trying to prevent pregnancy.

  Tanya kept walking to the library every day, also determined to remain stress free in the hope that the baby would be born healthy. She read and read and read, enjoying having the time to just relax and slip into stories that kept her mind occupied. Between her and David, and the dedication they both felt about having homes that were ready for their hopeful family, and making sure they were both stress free, life was easy and relaxing.

  One day on the way back from the library, just a couple of blocks from their apartment, Tanya heard her name called and saw, coming toward her, a very familiar face. She had to blink and look closely to make sure she was not dreaming, and she could see Paul laughing at her.

  "Yes it's me, Tanya," he said, moving with her out of the flow of people. "I got your letter and was just on my way to try and find your home."

  Tanya continued to look at him in utter confusion, making him laugh at her even harder. He held out his arms and she walked into them and hugged him, oblivious to the crowds of people moving around them.

  She pulled away and looked at him again, sure this couldn't be real.

  Paul looked at her, now wondering if he had done the right thing. In her letter she had sounded eager to talk to him, but standing in front of her in this moment, she looked worried, rather than pleased.

  Tanya saw his face change from a happy grin to something more sad than happy, and realised she must be showing her surprise on her face.

  "You have taken me by surprise, Paul," she said, laughing softly and making Paul melt with her smile. "I am on my way home. Walk with me while I recover!"

  They walked in silence for the two blocks and only spoke as they entered the elevator.

  "You live here? In this skyscraper?" Paul asked, thinking to himself that he couldn't have been any more surprised at her living in such a place, given her nature.

  She looked at him and laughed, as if having read his thoughts.

  "I know. It isn't how I have ever lived before, but I do love it. It's home," she said, entering the apartment.

  David heard the door open and went to greet his wife, but on seeing Paul, felt like he became paralysed. Paul saw it and recognised quickly that it would be up to him to make everything look smooth for Tanya. He walked forward to Paul and held out his hand to him.

  "Hi David, congratulations on your wedding and upcoming fatherhood," he said graciously, uncertain even to himself if he did actually feel so positive about these two things having happened.

  David snapped out of his shock, equally determined to not let Tanya see anything that might upset her.

  "Welcome to New York," was all he could muster before he felt Tanya's arms on him, and her kissing him with her greeting, just as she did every other day. She seemed completely oblivious to even the possibility that the two men in front of her really did not want to see or talk to one another.

  "I ran into Paul down the street," Tanya was saying, cheerfully as she moved toward the kitchen. "Coffee or tea, anyone?" she asked and only then, as she really looked at both of them, did she see the discomfort each was feeling.

  "Actually, I am heading out to go see Kendra and Tony. They need some help moving some of their furniture around," David said, looking clearly at his wife whilst trying to push Paul out of his vision.

  "Oh - did you need me to come with you?" she asked while walking toward him and putting her arms around him.

  "No, I want you to rest and relax," David replied, kissing her deeply before turning to walk out. "I'll see you later."

  And then it was just Tanya and Paul, alone in the vast apartment.

  Tanya turned back to him, putting on a smile once again.

  "Now, what would you like to drink, Paul?" she asked and after they had cups in their hands, they moved to the window-facing sofa and relaxed into it.

  "Wow," Paul said, amazed at how high they were. "What a view!"

  Tanya laughed at him.

  "Yes, I still am overwhelmed when I look out from here," she said and turned to him. "Now tell me what is new with you, and how you have come to be here."

  Paul looked at her. It wasn't easy as in his mind, away from her, she had become someone who he had dreamed would welcome him with passion and enthusiasm. Even though he had learned that she was married, somewhere deep in his mind that fantasy had continued and it conflicted heavily with what was happening here, now, in reality. But she had in no way led him to believe she wanted anything other than friendship from him, and he knew it was all on him for ever having had any expectations.

  "I came to see you," he replied simply, not wanting to divulge anything that might make her uncomfortable.

  "Well I am glad," she said, speaking with honesty and from her heart. "I have long wished that you and I could have the opportunity to sit down like this without any other people around. I feel like I didn't seize the opportunity I had, on the ship, to get to know you. And now I can!"

  He watched her as she spoke, pushing himself to repeat in his head, almost like a mantra, 'married, married, married'. He quickly adjusted his thinking and posture to break his gaze.

  "Everything was so crazy before. Tell me more about what has been happening with you, and how you came to be here," he said, encouraging her to talk.

  Tanya opened up about everything - how she felt about getting off the ship and seeing Greg with his ex, the situations that arose from Brigitte turning up, learning about her death, and then on to how she met David, what they did together in Vancouver and Whistler, and how things had evolved since then.

  "And here I am, a wife and mother to be, living partly in New York and partly in New Zealand. What a change of life, huh?" she said, laughing.

  "Thank you for writing to me, Tanya. I was getting worried about you, and I didn't want to push too hard in asking Greg about you," he said, looking slightly bashful. "He doesn't really know how much…"

  Tanya watched his face and wished she had met him alone, without Greg beside him to distract her from seeing who Paul really was, not just as a person but also as a man.

  "Well I am here and I am fine, and I am so glad you are here! What else brings you here, and how long are you staying for?"

  She saw him blush further and start to look slightly uncomfortable, before he seemed to find an inner confidence and look straight into her eyes.

  "I came only to see you. You said you were going back to New Zealand soon and I just wanted to see you in person before you did that," he said, pushing out the confidence to try and make it look like it wasn't a big deal to him, even though it was.

  "Thank you," she said quietly, starting to feel a small tear threaten. There was no reason to cry, but something about Paul thinking she was worth making a trip to New York for, played deeply on her emotions.

  "You don't mind me coming to see you?"

  "No! Paul, I really am glad you are here. I would have loved to spend time with you in Vancouver but everything was so messy there, wasn't it. It was a horrible way to end such a wonderful cruise … but most of all horri
ble for Brigitte of course."

  Tanya and Paul both sat quietly for a few minutes, remembering about the woman who lost her life so young.

  "I know you are married, and I don't want you to think I came here with any intentions, but in case we never get to sit down like this again, I just want to make sure you know I wish I had gotten to know you better," he said, in one way surprising her but in another way, not.

  "Why are you single, Paul? I don't really understand that at all. Women must approach you and try to win you over all the time…" she started to say and he looked at her with a look of having been startled by what she said.

  "Why would you think that?"

  "What?"

  "That women approach me."

  Tanya looked at him, starting to comprehend a little bit more about this man in front of her.

  "Paul, you must know how attractive you are…"

  "No I'm not. I know that people like me as a friend, but no-one looks at me like that."

  Tanya's surprise lifted to another level altogether. When he looks in the mirror, he really doesn't see what other people see, she thought to herself, at the same time marvelling at how this could possibly be true. He needed a boost of confidence, she thought to herself, but right now he needs to be cheered up and out of this seriousness.

  "Tell me about your home. Did you grow up where you are living now?" she asked and prompted him out of conversation about the two of them, to learn more about him and where he came from.

  They talked for hours, eventually both relaxing completely and talking openly and honestly about their lives, while enjoying laughs with one another. It felt like a relief to Tanya - like now she was getting to know who he really was, and vice versa. They were still talking when David returned four hours later, having come home feeling slightly apprehensive about Paul and his wife being alone together, but when he walked in what he saw was his wife laughing and being really happy and relaxed, which in turn made him disregard the silly, insignificant feelings of insecurity.