Vertigo Effect: The Eighth Jonathan Shade Novel

by Gary Jonas

  “Not yet.”

  He shrugged. “You will soon enough.”

  “What’s that supposed to mean?”

  “Just that I think you’ll figure out what happened. Doesn’t mean anything more than that.”

  Meghan patted my thigh under the table. “I have faith in you,” she said.

  The waiter came back to tell us about the specials, and Meghan’s hand inched higher. I put a hand on hers to stop her from grabbing my crotch, and she giggled.

  She leaned over and whispered, “I won’t make love with you tonight because my knees couldn’t take it, but maybe soon.” She squeezed my thigh and took a drink of her margarita.

  We placed our orders, and the waiter moved off toward the kitchen.

  Thirty seconds later, Terrell Williams’ corpse walked into the restaurant.

  CHAPTER FOURTEEN

  The corpse wore a nice gray suit and a blue tie with gold circles. Terrell tugged on his lapels, looked around with his good eye—his left was still a punctured and dried out mess. He pointed at Meghan and moved toward our table, weaving around diners and waiters.

  “Zombie alert,” I said.

  “Oh, fun,” Kelly said and ate her last chip.

  She and I bolted to our feet and intercepted Terrell before he reached the booth.

  “They don’t serve dead folks in here,” I said grabbing his right biceps. Kelly grabbed his left biceps, and we bum-rushed him out of the establishment.

  We shoved him into the parking lot, and he glared at us with his one eye. Meghan and Bill followed us outside.

  “What the hell?” Bill said.

  “Holy shit,” Meghan said. “Is that Terrell?”

  “Get them inside,” I said.

  Kelly herded Meghan and Bill back into the restaurant. I held out my hands to keep Terrell from following, and stood my ground.

  “Can you speak?” I asked.

  “Of course I can speak, you ignorant bastard,” Terrell said.

  “But you’re dead,” I said.

  “I don’t know you. Get out of my way.”

  “I’ve been investigating your murder.”

  “I wasn’t murdered.” He tried to brush past me, and I grabbed his arm again. I shoved him backward and released him.

  “You’re not going anywhere. I saw your corpse in the funeral home.”

  He brushed imaginary wrinkles out of his sleeves. “I was dead, and now I’m not. You’d best get out of my way or I’ll kick your ass.”

  “You were dead for more than a week.”

  “They kept me refrigerated. I’m good. Now get the hell out of my way. I have things to do.” He moved toward me again.

  I caught his forearm and twisted him into an arm bar. He tried to struggle, so I slammed him into the brick wall of the building.

  “What are you doing here?” I asked as I patted him down.

  “None of your business. Hey, watch the junk.”

  Kelly stepped outside again. “I got them to stay at the table,” she said. “Can we get violent now?”

  “Maybe,” I said. He didn’t have any weapons on him. He struggled and managed to tag me in the face with a wayward fist. It wasn’t a solid shot, but it stung.

  Kelly shook her head and grinned. “May I?” she asked, gesturing toward Terrell.

  “He’s all yours,” I said and passed him to her.

  Kelly spun him around, grabbed his throat, and slammed him upward against the wall so his feet dangled an inch from the pavement. “It’s been a long time since I got to beat on a zombie,” she said.

  “I’m not a zombie,” Terrell choked.

  “Aww,” Kelly said, disappointed.

  “What are you?” I asked. “Who’s controlling you?”

  “Let me go. You have no right to hold me here.”

  One of the waiters stepped outside. “Sir,” he said, “the police are on the way.”

  “That’s not necessary,” I said. “We’ve got this under control.”

  “No sir, we called the police to arrest you. Everyone in the restaurant saw you two attack this man. He’s a customer, and we won’t stand for him to be mistreated.”

  “He’s a dead man,” I said.

  “I will mark that down as a death threat.”

  “No, you’ve got it all wrong. We can’t kill him,” I said. “He’s already dead.”

  As I said the words, I realized how it sounded. And when I looked at Terrell, in spite of his bad eye, he was a well-dressed man entering a restaurant. Kelly and I looked like the bad guys here.

  “Let him go, Kelly,” I said.

  “Ignore the little guy,” Kelly said. “I can handle the police.”

  “We’re not going to hurt any policemen,” I said.

  “Speak for yourself,” Kelly said. “Anyone tries to attack me, I’ll kill them.”

  “She’s exaggerating,” I said to the waiter.

  “Let me down,” Terrell said. “I just wanted to get a bite to eat.”

  “Kelly?” I said and touched her shoulder. “Put him down.”

  Sirens sounded in the distance. They might not have been coming our way. And even if they were, I didn’t know if they were coming for us. It was Miami, after all.

  Kelly lowered Terrell to the ground. She glared into his eye. “We’re not finished,” she said.

  “Let go of me, bitch,” Terrell said.

  Kelly glanced at me.

  “Let him go,” I said.

  “He called me a bitch.”

  “Yeah, but if you rip off his head, he won’t be able to answer any of our questions.”

  “I don’t care,” Kelly said.

  “But I do.”

  She rolled her eyes and released him.

  The waiter stepped between us and guided Terrell toward the entrance. “I’m terribly sorry for this,” he said to Terrell. “If you’d like a meal, it will be on the house.”

  “Thank you,” Terrell said.

  The waiter looked at me. “You and your friend need to get the hell out of here now.”

  “Or?” Kelly said.

  He glared at her. “Or you can spend the night in jail for assaulting an innocent man.”

  “Assaulting a dead man,” Kelly said.

  “Still threatening him, I see,” the waiter said.

  Kelly started to grab the waiter, but I slapped her hand down. “Let’s go before the cops get here,” I said.

  “He’s going inside. What if he kills Bill or Meghan?”

  “He’s unarmed,” I said. “We may have jumped the gun.”

  “Dead man walks into a restaurant, what are we supposed to do?”

  I shrugged. “Wait to see if he’s ordering fajitas?”

  A police car with the siren wailing roared past on his way to some other emergency.

  “I don’t think the waiter even called the police,” Kelly said.

  “I wish Esther was here. We could have her go inside to let us know if we’re needed.”

  “I can go inside. Nobody can stop me.”

  “Let’s not start any more trouble. We can wait to see how this plays out. But we should move away from the door so they don’t try to arrest us for loitering.”

  “Let them try,” Kelly said.

  I led her around the side of the building. The waiter hadn’t called the cops because they never showed up. People moved in and out of the place, and nobody seemed upset or worried, so that told me that Terrell hadn’t attacked anyone.

  Dead guy walks into a restaurant, maybe it’s best to let him eat, as long as you’re not the main course.

  CHAPTER FIFTEEN

  Meghan was the first to leave. Bill came out behind her, followed by Terrell. They walked together to the limo. Kelly and I waited until they entered the vehicle before we joined them.

  I slid into the front seat next to Terrell. Kelly slid into the backseat next to Meghan. The driver didn’t say anything. He simply started the engine.

  “You’re pretty fly for a dead gu
y,” I said as I closed the door.

  “I don’t know you,” Terrell said.

  “We’re about to get acquainted. How did you come back?”

  “I walked.”

  “No, I mean how did you come back from the dead?”

  “That’s above your pay grade,” Terrell said.

  “He’s back,” Bill said. “Isn’t that good news?”

  “He must not have died,” Meghan said.

  “I saw his corpse,” I said. “He was deader than Mel Gibson’s career.”

  “That’s not nice,” Terrell said.

  “Driver, take us to the beach,” I said.

  “No,” Bill said. “Take us to the hotel.”

  “The hotel it is,” the driver said.

  I looked past Terrell at the driver and glared. “If you take us to the hotel right now, I’ll break your neck.”

  “In that case,” the driver said, “we’ll stop at the beach first.”

  “I don’t want to go to the beach,” Bill said.

  “None of us do,” Meghan said. “My knees hurt, and I can’t wear shorts right now.”

  “I’m not going to the beach,” Terrell said.

  “You don’t have a say in the matter,” I said.

  “Wanna bet?”

  His right arm shot out and smashed the door so hard it popped off the car and smacked into the Ford F150 in the next lane. The driver of the pickup slammed on his brakes. The door hit the road, sparks flying, and bounced off behind us. My brain added the du-du-du-du-du-du sound effect from The Six Million Dollar Man, and before I could react, Terrell shoved me out of the car.

  I’ve had plenty of training, so while I hit the street hard, I managed to tuck and roll. Good thing that truck stopped a ways back or it could have run me over. When I came to a stop, I tried not to move while I assessed the damage.

  My back hurt, my elbows and knees hurt. My right hand and forearm screamed in pain. My right leg burned a bit. I eased myself up to a sitting position as a Honda Civic slowed and turned to block the lane. The driver, a middle-aged woman with silver hair, rushed over to me.

  “Are you all right?” she asked. “Do you need an ambulance?”

  My hands tingled, and I held them up. My left hand had light scrapes that left white scratches on the skin. My right hand bled a bit and my forearm had road rash. My elbow hurt from getting smacked on the ground.

  “I’ll live,” I said.

  “What happened?” she asked.

  “I fell out of the car.”

  “You were pushed. First the door flew off then a moment later someone shoved you out. If that truck hadn’t stopped…”

  “It’s all good,” I said. “Thank you for stopping.”

  Kelly trotted up to us.

  “You didn’t stay in the car?” I asked.

  “I had to check on you,” she said. She reached down to help me up.

  “I don’t think we should move him,” the Honda driver said.

  “He’s all right,” Kelly said and pulled me to my feet. She wiped her index and middle finger off on my shirt, smearing something nasty there.

  “Hey,” I said.

  “Don’t worry about it. You can buy a new shirt.”

  I staggered a few steps. My ankle hurt when I put weight on it, but I shook my foot a little and most of the pain went away. I limped over to the sidewalk. “We’re backing up traffic,” I said.

  “You want me to call nine-one-one?” the driver asked.

  “No, ma’am. Thanks again for stopping. I’m fine. Just bumps and bruises.”

  “Are you all right?” the driver asked. At first I thought she was senile, but then I realized she was talking to Kelly.

  “Of course,” Kelly said. Her pant legs had holes in the knees and I saw blood on the revealed flesh, but I knew any injuries she sustained were likely already better. The benefits of being magically engineered included super-fast healing.

  Horns honked behind the Honda.

  Sirens sounded in the distance. This time I was pretty sure they were coming for us.

  “You can move your car now,” I said. “Thanks again.”

  “Are you sure you’re okay? I can give you a ride to the hospital.”

  “How about a ride to our hotel?” Kelly asked.

  “I can do that,” the woman said.

  “That’s not necessary,” I said.

  “I don’t mind. I wasn’t looking forward to going home yet. My husband is drunk, so I’d rather wait until he passes out.”

  “Real charmer, eh?”

  “At least he has a job.”

  I limped over to the Honda.

  “You can have the front seat,” Kelly said.

  “Mighty kind of you,” I said.

  The nice woman gave us a ride to our hotel. I tried to give her some cash, but she refused to accept it. Sometimes you get lucky and find good people in the world.

  Kelly helped me out of the Honda, and the woman waved as she drove off. I scanned the parking lot, but didn’t see any limousines missing the front passenger door.

  “I’ll walk you to your room,” Kelly said.

  I pointed to the holes in her pants. “What happened?”

  “Your murder victim tried to throw me out of the car too.”

  “And he succeeded?”

  “Meghan and Bill helped him. Terrell has supernatural strength. He managed to hold my arms while Meghan opened the door and Bill shoved my legs out. I didn’t have room to maneuver, and I wanted to check on you, so here we are.”

  “You’re so nonchalant about it. You were bested by a corpse and a couple of movie stars. That doesn’t happen every night.”

  “That crap I smeared on your shirt earlier? That’s from Terrell’s brain. I stabbed through the hole in his left eye socket right into his brain and it had zero effect.”

  “Well, you got your fingers dirty.”

  “And your shirt.”

  “So I wouldn’t say it had zero effect. Just no effect on him.”

  Kelly shook her head. “Whatever.”

  I looked at the smear on my shirt. “Doesn’t look like brain matter or blood.” It was blackish brown and thick. “I guess he has shit for brains.”

  “It’s not shit.”

  “How do you know? Did you sniff it?”

  “I’m not going to sniff it.”

  “Then you don’t know,” I said. “Come on, one whiff.”

  “You can smell it yourself when we get to your room.”

  “I don’t want that particulate in my nose.”

  “And you think I do?”

  “You can’t get sick.”

  “That’s not true.”

  “Well, it’s harder for you to get sick.”

  This continued all the way down the hall. Esther met us outside the door. “What happened?” she asked.

  “We needed you, and you weren’t there,” I said.

  “I’m sorry,” she said. “I was checking trailers and sets and listening to conversations.”

  “I’m kidding, Esther.” I unlocked the door, staggered inside, and fell backward on the bed.

  “He’s half-kidding,” Kelly said. “We really could have used you tonight.”

  Esther frowned. “I’m sorry. Can I help now? What can I do?”

  “You can check the room across the hall to see if Meghan is there,” I said.

  “Be right back.” Esther popped away.

  “You don’t really think they’ll come back here do you?” Kelly asked as she went into the bathroom.

  “That’s where they told the driver to go.”

  I heard water running, then Kelly stepped back into the room holding a wet towel. “I suspect they had a change of venue in mind once we were gone.”

  “Can’t hurt to check.”

  Esther popped back into the room. “Nobody there,” she said. “I checked all the rooms on that side of the hall. The Dumb Dora isn’t in any of them.”

  “Thanks, Esther. Can you check
to see if Bill Dolan is here?”

  “Absolutely. Might take a while.”

  “No worries.”

  “Be back soon,” she said and disappeared again.

  Kelly sat down beside me and went to work cleaning my wounds. “Take off your shirt. Any clue what’s going on?”

  I peeled off my shirt and tossed it toward the trash can. It landed on the floor beside the basket. Oh well. Kelly pressed the wet towel to one of my scrapes and I flinched. “Ouch! Terrell seemed cognizant of who he was, and didn’t seem to, ouch, think he was under anyone’s control. Gently please. That hurts. He insisted he wasn’t a zombie.”

  “He’s definitely risen from the grave,” Kelly said. The towel was bloody now, but she kept dabbing the clean sections against my cuts and scrapes. The towel came away red.

  “They never buried him.”

  “You’re going to get technical on me?”

  “Sorry. He said he wasn’t murdered.”

  “Is it like The Sixth Sense where he didn’t know?”

  “He knows he was dead.”

  “I’m reaching for answers anywhere, Jonathan. You think his death was part of a bigger spell? Something to bring him back with supernatural power?”

  “I don’t know. Maybe?”

  “Hang on, I’ll get a clean towel.”

  “Thanks.”

  “Get out of those pants.”

  “Oh, baby,” I said.

  “Don’t get any ideas.”

  I took off my pants and was relieved to see only minor scrapes. “I think I’ll survive,” I said.

  “For now,” Kelly said. She returned with another towel and pushed me down onto the bed. “Turn over.” I did as she said, and she straddled me to get to the scratches and cuts on my back. “You rolled with the impact pretty well under the circumstances.”

  “From you, that’s a compliment. Thank you.”

  Esther popped into the room, saw me lying on the bed in my boxer briefs with Kelly astride me. “Oh, I’m interrupting,” she said.

  “No you’re not,” Kelly said. “Just cleaning his wounds.”

  “Says you.”

  “Yes, says me,” Kelly said.

  “She can’t resist me,” I said.

  “Shut up,” Kelly said and smacked the back of my head.