Apprehension and Desire

by Ola Wegner

  She shook her head. “No, a physician cannot help me. It will pass tomorrow.”

  “How can you know?”

  “William, you are a man of the world, educated. You brought up your sister almost all by yourself. You must know that women may feel unwell once a month.”

  He stared at her for a moment, before he got her meaning.

  “Oh.”

  He was relieved. He had thought it something worse, and it was only her monthly, as he had heard his sister once refer to it. He frowned. “It never puts Georgiana to bed.”

  “Everyone is different. I have always had it worse than my sisters.”

  His frown did not disappear. “Can I help you in any way?”

  She smiled, her eyes twinkling for the first since her arrival. “Actually, yes. Mama said to me once that she had it the same until the first baby, so...,” she grinned.

  He let out a sigh of relief. She could not feel that bad if she teased him. “I meant what I could do now to ease your discomfort.”

  She scooted closer. “Just stay with me till I fall asleep.”

  Darcy looked down at her with hunger he did not care to disguise, his eyes focusing at the gaping opening in her rope. She must have only her chemise and petticoats under it, her plump breasts, unrestrained by the cut of the dress and stays, spilled freely on her chest.

  He stood up and kicked off his half shoes, at the same time removing his coat and unbuttoning the waistcoat. He was not sure how close she wanted to be, so he laid on the bed beside her. She reached for the blanket from the bottom of the bed and then handed it to him, positioning herself on her side.

  Gently he moulded his body to hers, her back to his chest, draping a blanket around her. She sighed, her eyes closed and reached for his hand, pulling it over her middle. Darcy squeezed her to him. She answered, murmuring something.

  As if of its own, his hand moved higher from the safe place on her waist, right inside of her robe. As she had no stays, it was easy to feel one warm, heavy mound through the thin chemise. He could not do anything more than this, but what a sweet torture it was to touch her.

  Small fingers wrapped around his wrist and pulled the hand down back on its previous place.

  “Not today,” she whispered sleepily, not opening her eyes. “They are too tender.”

  He kissed her ear and temple and watched as her breathing slowed. He thought she had drifted to sleep completely, but then she opened her eyes and turned to him.

  “What about Lady Catherine? Was she here?”

  “Yes, here and at Matlock. She tried to convince my uncle to support her and convince me to marry Anne.”

  The cloud crossed her face, “I do not wish you to alienate yourself from your family because of me.”

  “You cannot even think so, love. Lady Catherine is nothing to me. Nothing compared to you. I only kept relations with her because it seemed the right thing to do, for she was my late mother’s only sister. If she cannot accept you, apologize to you, and respect you, I will not see her any more. As for my uncle, the earl, he said that he would not interfere into my affairs and that it was my decision whom I wanted to marry.”

  She snuggled closer, burying her face into his chest.

  “Do you remember how I told you about my other cousin, Colonel Fitzwilliam’s older brother, Edward?”

  She looked up. “Yes.”

  “He has a son with that woman now.”

  “What was his parents' reaction?”

  “Richard, Colonel Fitzwilliam, told me that the earl still did not acknowledge the fact that he had become a grandfather, but he thinks that it is just a matter of time. My aunt went to see the baby already. They live in a small estate, only twenty miles from Pemberley. I thought that we could send a present for the baby to show our support.”

  “I am sure that your cousin will appreciate such a gesture very much.”

  “I do not know what it could be though. Perhaps you will have some idea.”

  She nodded. “I will think about it.”

  “Thank you,” he kissed her lips gently. “Apart from my aunt's unfortunate visit, how has your time at Longbourn been since I left?”

  She started to play with his neck cloth. “Busy. My mother could talk only about the new gowns I would need as a married woman, so I spent most of the time choosing the patterns and materials. We even travelled to London to order a wedding dress there. My father seems to be less angry with me though. I asked him to teach me horse riding, and he gave me a few lessons.”

  He gaped at her in surprise. “Horse riding? You dislike the activity and are afraid to...”

  “I am not afraid,” she cut in. “And I do not dislike it. I only never cared enough for it to learn.”

  He grinned.“You did that for me?”

  She rolled her eyes, “No, for myself. You are far too conceited thinking that I do everything for you, Mr. Darcy.” She pointed with a small finger into his chest. “Simply put, the fact is that you ride so well, as does Georgiana, and I do not want people here to look down on me because I lack the ability.”

  “We must buy you a horse and a new saddle.”

  “Oh, you do not have to,” she assured quickly. “I am sure that there is some old docile horse here I could ride.”

  “I doubt it, for all the horses are rather too spirited for a beginner. Besides, you deserve your own mount. One of my neighbours is an excellent breeder. We will go one day when you feel better, and you will chose a nice mare for your own use.”

  “If you insist,” she complied. He smiled again; he liked when she agreed with him so sweetly, especially since such situations happened rarely.

  “I do.” He stretched on his back, bringing her to his side. “Close your eyes, love. You are tired and need the rest before dinner.”

  She yawned. “I know, but when we are alone, I want to talk with you, especially after we have not seen each other for so long.”

  “There will be time to talk. Now it is time to rest.”

  She snuggled closer, placing her arm over his chest and her leg over his.

  Darcy intended to stay with her till she fell asleep and leave quietly without waking her. When he awoke however, the room was darkened, indicating that a few hours had passed. Elizabeth slept, stretched on top of him.

  He blinked, seeing a woman standing next to the bed. It was Mrs. Gardiner.

  Carefully, he pushed Elizabeth, who was still soundly sleeping, off him, and scrambled from the bed. As he found his shoes and collected his coat, Mrs. Gardiner tiptoed to the door, waiting there for him.

  They were outside in the corridor, when he spoke in lowered voice. “Mrs. Gardiner, what you have seen... nothing happened. I was worried that she was unwell and stayed with her for a moment.” He ran a hand over his face, “I, too,must have fallen asleep.”

  “I do not intend to lecture you, Mr. Darcy.” The woman spoke in a calm, but decided, voice. “I was once engaged as well, and I do understand that you are in love and want to spend time alone. Nevertheless, I still find such behaviour unacceptable, especially when the maid may enter any time to help Elizabeth with her bath and dressing for dinner.”

  “I do not know how it happened. I truly intended to stay with her briefly and then leave,” he tried to explain.

  The woman looked straight into his eyes. “Mr. Darcy, you and my niece are both adults and about to be married in a few weeks. It is your personal matter what you do in private, but I know that Elizabeth would be very uncomfortable, and distressed, if it was not I, but a servant, who found you together.”

  “You are perfectly right, Mrs. Gardiner,” Darcy agreed, embarrassed, not knowing where to turn his eyes, “I will make sure that nothing like this happens in the future.”

  Mrs. Gardiner nodded, smiling. “I think that I will go now to wake her up.” She said kindly and walked away.

  Chapter Fifteen

  “Elizabeth, be careful!” Mrs. Gardiner cried, turning up her head to look at her niece, who
stood on the highest point of the hilltop. “Step back from the edge at once! What would I say to your family if you took a fall?”

  “I am fine, Aunt,” Elizabeth cried back in a strong voice, “It is so beautiful here. I can see the entire valley from this very spot.”

  Mrs. Gardiner shook her head and turned to see Darcy approaching with her husband.

  “Mr. Darcy, pray help me.” She pointed to the hilltop. “Only look where she has got herself.”

  “Do not worry, madam.” Darcy walked past the Gardiners with energy. “I will get her down.”

  As Darcy began climbing the rocky path, Mr. Gardiner spoke, standing close to his wife, “He is very much in love with her.”

  His wife smiled. “Yes, he is. He is completely enamoured, a pleasure to watch how he treats her. He sees only her.”

  “Do you think she is equally engaged with her feelings?” Mr. Gardiner asked as he looked up, observing as Darcy literally dragged Elizabeth a safe distance from the edge.

  “I am not so sure,” Mrs. Gardiner said slowly. “She claimed to almost hate him last December, when we visited at Longbourn.”

  “A short route from hatred to love, they say.”

  “Yes, I think this is the case. I am not aware of the details, but it must have been a very interesting courtship, a stormy one.”

  Mr. Gardiner smirked. “He strikes me as a steady, serious, even sober, type of fellow.”

  “She will change him.”

  “I only hope he knows what he is getting himself into.”

  “What do you mean?” Mrs. Gardiner questioned, her voice defensive in tone, “Elizabeth is a sweet girl, with a good heart, principles and morals.”

  “As well as stubborn, opinionated, too quick to judge people, and she has a temper,” he pointed out.

  “I think he knows that already, and it does not bother him. On the contrary, her liveliness allures him. They will have to learn how to reach a compromise.”

  Mr. Gardiner pulled her tightly to his side, his arm wrapped around her shoulders. “My romantic wife,” he smiled down at the woman in his arms. “You are so pleased because you will be able to visit Derbyshire often now.”

  Mrs. Gardiner looked up at him, smiling. “I must admit that as a girl I never imagined that my niece would one day become the Mistress of Pemberley.”

  ***

  The day was hot and sunny, the air still, without even the gentlest of breezes. Darcy readied the small boat and held out his hand to Elizabeth. She walked closer, and he helped her into it, seating her on a small bench.

  He rowed to the middle of the lake and put the paddles away, allowing the boat to float on the water.

  Elizabeth tilted her face to the sun and closed her eyes, her body stretched out? in a most comfortable position.

  Darcy did not look at the sky, only at her. She wore a thin, white cotton dress, and it appeared there were no stays underneath it. He could see not only the natural shape of her plump bosom resting on her chest without support, but the visible curve of her lower belly, as well, not disguised with a constricting corset. He recalled how, when he first saw her, he had thought her figure pleasant but imperfect, too full in comparison with what a fashionable woman in town should look like, tall and willowy. Very soon though, he had discovered that he much preferred Elizabeth’s soft curves to Caroline Bingley’s flat chest, narrow bottom, and protruding collar bones. What a pleasure it would be to snuggle up to such a well cushioned form on a cold night.

  He tore his eyes from her body, took the paddles in his hands, and concentrated on rowing again, trying not to think about the sudden flow of blood into his groin. Perhaps he could find some private place and opportunity to repeat what they had done the day before his departure from Hertfordshire, behind the hedgerow, and relieve himself to a degree. She had been here for six days, surely her courses had ended.

  “What do you think of Pemberley?” he asked to distract himself from other thoughts.

  She opened her eyes. “It is wonderful,” she said warmly, “but you must know that. Everything here seems so grand, yet still familiar and homey. I cannot blame you that you are so proud of it.” She shook her head. “I still cannot believe I will live here one day, it is so... unrealistic.”

  “Not one day, but yet this autumn,” he corrected her.

  She reached her hands to her head to remove her bonnet. “It is such a hot day.”

  “Yes,” he murmured, his eyes on her. “Perhaps the hottest day of this summer.”

  She leaned to the side and dipped her fingers in the water. “The water is so cool. Would you mind if I removed my shoes?”

  He shook his head.

  Happily, she untied the ribbons of her flat, light green shoes from around her ankles and pulled down the thin, sheer silk stockings. She wiggled her toes and ,with one swift move, turned on the narrow bench. Before he could say anything, she stretched her legs over the side, dipping the soles of her feet into the water.

  Darcy swallowed; was she torturing him like that on purpose?

  “Look, a fish!” she splashed her foot against the water mirror, laughing merrily.

  She glanced at him. “Why are you so sombre? Are you worrying about something?”

  “I have to direct the boat and cannot be so comfortable as you are,” he grunted, clenching his fingers on the paddles.

  Her feet returned inside the boat and she crouched in front of him. “You are dressed way too formally.“ She reached to the lapels of his coat. “Let us remove that.”

  Without protest, he helped her to remove his coat, waistcoat and, in the end, his neck cloth.

  “Is that not better?” she asked, undoing the first buttons of his shirt.

  “Yes, it is,” he admitted, inhaling her sweat mixed with her perfume and her natural scent.

  He stilled when he felt her mouth on his throat. “I like your neck.... I want to kiss it every time I see it.”

  He grabbed her arms and made an effort to push her away. “Stop... it. It is not the time or place, we may overturn the boat.”

  “Would it be so bad?” She moved closer, kneeling between his thighs. “I can swim, and it would be nice to take a cooling swim in the lake on such a hot day.”

  “Love, be serious, you would drown yourself.”

  She pushed back from him,“You do not believe that I can swim?”

  “Women cannot swim,” he said matter of factly.

  “I can,” she protested. “Papa taught Jane and me when we were little girls. Our friend fell into the lake and drowned , so he decided to teach us one summer just in case.”

  He gave her an understanding smile and spoke in gentle voice. “Love, I do believe you can move your hands and legs about in the water, I truly do, or even float on the surface, but...”

  “I can do much more!” she cried. “I can even dive.”

  He only stared at her indulgently.

  Her eyes narrowed. “You do not believe me, do you?”

  “I do, love, I do,” he said, wanting to placate her.

  “How deep is it in here?” she asked.

  “Quite deep, ten feet in places.”

  “Very well.” She turned from him, stepped on the bench she had previously occupied, and jumped head first into the water in one fluid movement.

  ***

  Mrs. Reynolds, the housekeeper at Pemberley, was keeping her eye on the new maid, who was tidying the drawing room, wanting to be sure of the quality of her work. She walked to the window, to see whether the glass was sparkling clean as it should be, when she saw the Master and Miss Bennet, soaking wet, walking towards the house.

  “They must have had an accident on the boat.” she cried out. Hurrying through the assembly of rooms, she reached the great hall just as the couple was entering.

  “Master, what happened?” she asked, looking at Miss Bennet’s dress, soiled with mud and seaweeds, and at her bare feet and loosened dark locks.

  “We had a small accident.” Darcy, not in
much better condition, with the exception that he had his shoes on, answered in his usual calm voice. “Miss Bennet needs a bath and a change of clothes. I am afraid that I lost control of the ship.” he explained, glaring at the lady beside him, who at that moment was innocently admiring the painting on the wall.

  The housekeeper looked at him incredibly; how could he lose control on the lake on such a windless day?

  “Come, my dear,” Darcy pulled at Miss Bennet’s arm, and they began to climb the staircase, leaving wet footprints on the carpet.

  Mrs. Reynolds kept staring after the couple, till someone’s steps on the marble floor finally caught her attention.

  “Peters!” She rushed to the butler. “Have you heard about the accident? Thank heavens they are alive; that lake is very deep in places.”

  “Yes, and I think that I know exactly what happened there, “ the man murmured dryly.

  Only then did she notice the pile of clothes he was bearing in his arms. “I see you have their things...,” she frowned. “I do not understand. ”She touched the straw bonnet which looked immaculate, as if freshly taken from the window shop display. “All dry and ironed.”

  Peters gave the pile to a maid who just approached and led Mrs. Reynolds to the side. “It was not an accident, “ he said in a lowered voice, “We found their clothes in the boat.”

  “Are you saying that they first removed their outer clothes and then took a swim in that muddy lake, leaving the boat aside?”

  Peters nodded. “And I am also pretty sure whose idea it was,” he added gravely. “Master would have never done anything that reckless, even as a small boy.”

  “Oh, come now,” she protested, “I will not have you say a word against Miss Bennet. She is kind, merry and cares for him, and for Miss Georgiana, not at all like that snooty Miss Bingley who has shillings in her eyes and sees only how much money everything cost. The boy needs some joy in his life!” she cried with conviction. “She makes him smile.”

  Peters exhaled a long dramatic breath. “We shall see what you will say when these two have children. They will tear the house apart, mind my words.”

  “Oh, be gone!” Mrs. Reynolds huffed, “They will be good, sweet, if a bit lively, children, I am sure of that. You always see everything in dark colours. This house needs some life and laughter after so many years of sorrow.”