Apprehension and Desire

by Ola Wegner

  “Lizzy,” he murmured as his fingers slid between her tightly pinned curls, loosening a few pins. His other hand cupped her bottom, lifting her to his groin, pressing her to him.

  She broke the kiss, and breathed against his mouth. “We are almost in open view.”

  A deep, frustrated growl escaped from Darcy’s chest before he put her down. They stood quietly for a moment, calming down, their breathing returning to normal.

  “Are you well?” he asked, cupping her cheek.

  She blinked her eyes, focusing her gaze on him, “Do I look unwell?”

  He searched her eyes. “You must know what I mean.” When she did not speak immediately, he took her hand, picked up her bonnet and led her to a fallen log. “Is there anything you want to tell me?”

  Elizabeth sat down, looking at him steadily. She knew what he was asking about. “I am late. About ten days.”

  His face broke into a rare grin as he sat next to her. “I will be a father then?”

  “It is not certain yet.” She gave him an earnest look. “I do not want you to blow your hopes for something that may not be. I remember when I stayed with the Gardiners in London a few years ago, keeping my aunt company when uncle was away on some extended business trip. Aunt carried her youngest at the time. She was sleepy, tired, lacked appetite, and was often sick. I have no such symptoms.”

  He took her hand. “I think it is too early yet for you to feel like that.”

  She frowned. “I am not sure what I should feel now, but I cannot quite believe that I am indeed with child. I always thought that a woman should know it somehow.”

  “I am sure it will come with time. I am very happy.” He squeezed her hand gently. “Not only will you be my wife in less than a week, but we will have a child.”

  She searched his eyes. “What will people say when they see the baby comes too soon?”

  “It will only be a month early,” he dismissed her worry.

  She shook her head. “Five weeks.”

  “As far as I know, babies are not always perfectly on time. It will be born at Pemberley next spring. We can wait to send the information about its birth to your family for a few weeks. In Derbyshire, no one will dare to say anything. Such cases are not so uncommon there. Do not worry about a thing. It is not good in your state.”

  She rested her head on his arm. He seemed so happy, and she... She still could not believe in this child. Should she not feel the same as he? What was wrong with her?

  “I want to thank you for everything you did for Lydia,” she said, wanting to change the subject.

  He frowned.

  “I know it was you who found them and managed everything, bought Wickham’s commission, paid his debts.”

  “Who told you that?” he sounded displeased.

  “Papa.”

  He rose and strolled away from her, stopping by the edge with his back to her. “I specifically asked Mr. Bennet and the Gardiners not to tell you all the details.”

  She walked to him. “Why? Should I not know?”

  He glanced at her over his shoulder. “Elizabeth, I do not wish for you to think that you should be indebted to me.”

  “But I am indebted,” she pressed her hand to his arm. “All I want to do is thank you on behalf of my family and...”

  “Shush.” He turned to her and put a finger on her lips, silencing her. “I did it only for you, but I do not want to discuss it.”

  His eyes told her he was adamant about it. She had to respect his decision. “As you wish,” she agreed quietly.

  ***

  Lord and Lady Matlock proved to be much more polite than anyone at Longbourn could have perceived. They were invited to dine at Longbourn two days before the wedding.

  After Lady Catherine’s violent visit, the family involuntarily braced themselves for something equally intense and very grand. What they saw were a small lady and a gray haired gentleman, both quiet and rather unimpressive, hardly demanding, calm and very much restrained in their manners.

  Mrs. Bennet was so much in awe of her noble guests, and the fact that the countess particularly praised her drawing room, that she kept mostly silent, to Elizabeth’s great relief.

  After dinner Lord Matlock, Darcy, Bingley and Mr. Bennet went to the library for a drink and a cigar. In the parlour, Lady Matlock invited Elizabeth to sit next to her.

  “Miss Elizabeth, my younger son has spoken much you,” Lady Matlock said with a warm smile. “Last spring he told me he met a most delightful young lady in Kent.”

  “Colonel Fitzwilliam is very good company,” Elizabeth smiled, remembering Darcy’s amiable cousin. “There is an honesty and sincerity about him, in his eyes, his expression. He can carry a good conversation like no one other I know.”

  Lady Matlock nodded. “Richard is a good boy.” There was an unmistakable pride in her voice. “The same as my elder son, Edward. His life has been complicated in

  recent years, but none of it was his fault,” she added ardently.

  Elizabeth nodded with a compassionate smile. “Of course.”

  She observed as the woman’s face visibly saddened. She was not sure whether she should breach the subject of little James Fitzwilliam, the ladyship’s first and only grandson.

  Her dilemma was resolved by Lady Matlock herself. “My eldest son became a father not so long ago.”

  Elizabeth smile widened. “Yes, I am aware of that. Mr. Darcy mentioned it to me.”

  “My son and his...the mother of his son asked me to thank you for the crib they received. Mr. Darcy wrote in a letter to them that it was you who chose it.”

  “Yes, Mr. Darcy wanted me to advise him what he should sent as a gift for your grandson during my stay in Pemberley this summer. While shopping in Lambton with Miss Darcy, I saw a crib which looked similar to the one my aunt, Mrs. Gardiner, had with her two younger children. She praised it as the best she had ever used. I thought it would be a useful item for the little one and his parents.”

  “It was an excellent idea, my dear,” Lady Matlock seconded her. “My son said that once they put the boy into it, he slept for the entire night without interruption for the first time.”

  “I am glad. I imagine that your grandson is a delightful infant.”

  Lady Matlock’s face lit up. “Oh, yes, so handsome, and strong. He looks exactly like my boys when they were little.”

  For the next few minutes, Elizabeth listened as the woman talked about her grandson, how beautiful and smart he was, and how he smiled repeatedly at her the last time she saw him. She listened with a genuine smile on her face, and a good humoured, polite expression. At the same time, she kept thinking what this child’s future would be with the stigma of a bastard following him through life.

  ***

  The evening before her wedding, Elizabeth and Jane packed the last of her things into a small trunk, kneeling on the floor. They were mostly little trifles left to the very last minute that Elizabeth had accumulated over the years: porcelain figurines, boxes with jewellery, hair accessories and childhood secrets, like shells and dried flowers. The trunks with Elizabeth’s books, her French incrusted desk (a treasured gift from her grandmother), and most of her wardrobe had been sent to Pemberley yesterday. The sisters were unusually quiet, too aware of the fact that it would be the last night they slept in this room together.

  “I can hardly believe that you will live so far away from us, Lizzy. We will see you once or perhaps twice a year if we are lucky,” Jane noted wistfully after a while.

  “Jane, you know you can visit me any time you wish.”

  Jane gave her an earnest smile. “You will have your own family now, a husband, and surely children.”

  “I will always find time for you,” Elizabeth spoke with conviction.

  “You will be occupied with your new life now, Lizzy. Know that I am happy for you, but I can see how lonely I will be here without you.” The tears pooled in Jane’s wide blue eyes.

  Elizabeth touched her cheek. “J
ane, please do not say so, or I will cry as well. Tomorrow I will look a fright with red brimmed eyes, and Mr. Darcy will run away from me before saying I do.” Her attempt to joke turned flat, even to her own ears.

  Jane dried her eyes with the back of her hand. “I am sorry, Lizzy, I do not want to upset you. I was thinking that perhaps I could live with the Gardiners for some time. I heard Aunt saying that she is considering hiring a governess for the children. I could take that position. I know them and love them. I would not take the money, of course. It is enough if they allow me to live with them. I will feel needed.”

  Elizabeth stared at her with little comprehension for a long moment. “Jane, what are you talking about?” she finally cried. “What about Mr. Bingley?”

  Jane shrugged. “What about him?”

  The younger sister gaped at the older one in astonishment. “Well..., I am quite sure that he will propose soon. Everyone expects it. Once married to him, you could convince him to terminate the lease of Netherfield. You could move north, and perhaps one day we will live close together. Surely, you do not wish to live so close to Mama forever. Convincing Mr. Bingley to buy an estate in the north seems quite rational when asking Mr. Darcy to relocate to the south is out of question, we both know that. Not everything is lost.” Elizabeth touched Jane’s arm. “Perhaps we shall be neighbours in the future, visiting each other almost every day.”

  Jane shook her head. “I do not think that this will happen, Lizzy. I mean, my marrying Mr. Bingley, not us living close by, which I would dearly wish for.”

  “You do not love him?”

  Jane turned her gaze away. “I was in love with him once. Since then, however, my feelings have changed.”

  “You hold it against him that he departed when the news about Lydia broke,” Elizabeth guessed. “But you told me that he explained himself, that he needed to visit his uncle in Scarborough.”

  Jane’s delicate eyebrows knitted together on her smooth forehead. “I am not sure of him, Lizzy. I feel I cannot count on him like you can on Mr. Darcy. Marriage to a man you do not love is one thing, but marrying someone you know that you cannot rely on is even worse, I believe.”

  A knock on the door interrupted their conversation. Mrs. Bennet entered.

  “Lizzy, you are still packing? You should go to bed, girl. There is an exhausting day before you tomorrow. You need your strength,” Mrs. Bennet nagged in her usual grumpy tone.

  Jane rose from the carpet. “Yes, Mama.”

  Mrs. Bennet cleared her throat as she looked at her eldest. “Jane, could you please leave as alone for a short time?” she asked, and then added quickly, “A quarter of an hour will be quite enough.”

  “Of course, Mama.”

  “I must talk with your sister about her marriage duties,” Mrs. Bennet announced solemnly in a grave tone.

  Jane turned to Elizabeth so Mrs. Bennet could not see her face and winked at her younger sister before leaving the room.

  Mrs. Bennet sat stiffly on the edge of Jane’s bed, her back perfectly straight, shoulders squared. “I think you know what I want to talk about, Elizabeth.”

  “Yes, Mama,” Elizabeth murmured.

  The woman nodded curtly. “Good. I will ask you to listen and not interrupt me till I finish. It is not easy to talk about such matters with my daughter, believe me, but it is my duty as a mother, and I will abide it.” She took a deep breath. “Tomorrow your husband will visit you in your bedroom and take his rights. He will perform a similar act to what animals do to procreate. You must have seen what animals do in the farmyard to have calves, kittens and puppies. He will reach for you, lie down on you, open your legs and enter you where you secret place is. The first time it will hurt you terribly, and you will have no pleasure out of it, and you will bleed. I bled for a long time, like a slaughtered animal almost.”

  Elizabeth blushed heavily, remembering what had happened to her, but she tried to keep a neutral expression, not to give her mother any suspicions. Thankfully, Mrs. Bennet did not look directly at her.

  “I advise you to cover the bed with something so as not to ruin the mattress and the silk sheets that Mr. Darcy surely has in his home,” her mother continued. “I think it will be quite similar with you, as you have clearly inherited my body build. You should ease your husband’s worry that the bleeding is a onetime experience. Your father was rather terrified when it occurred. I never bled later, so I do not perceive you will. Though the first time may seem horrible, you will surely find the entire experience pleasurable after some time. As Mr. Darcy genuinely loves you. A blind person would notice that, he will take an effort to please you. Do you understand so far what I am saying, girl?” Mrs. Bennet asked sharply.

  “Yes, Mama,” Elizabeth said through a squeezed throat.

  “You should be prepared that your husband will want you every night and, sometimes, even during the daytime. As you have no dowry or great connections, we can safely assume that his desire for you was what drove him into proposing. You should not push him away.” The woman stressed. “He will be happier, more content, and most importantly, kinder to you if you let him to have his way and show him your enjoyment from the act. He will love you more and be more willing to listen to you on the matters concerning your life together, including the financial decisions, his businesses and running the estate.”

  Mrs. Bennet took a break then. Elizabeth walked to the small table and poured her a glass of water.

  “Thank you,” the woman said with a smile as she drank thirstily.

  “After you bear him several children, you will feel you do not wish to be close with him so often. It is quite natural, and you should not be surprised by such a reaction. You may also want to banish him from your bedroom completely. But I will not advise that. A man’s way of understanding is very simple, and he may think that you simply do not care for him any more if you do not want him in your bed. Your marriage may suffer then. Desire in men is stronger than in women, and you, as his wife, should answer it. He gives you security, respectability, children and a beautiful home, all that a woman can hope for in life, and you on your behalf, should ease his need from time to time at least. I know you too well, Lizzy, to think that you would wish for your husband to take a lover to replace you in that role. Besides, Mr. Darcy is too decent a man to do that, the same as your father. In other words, you should prepare yourself for long years spent in his arms, in his bed, making yourself available to him.”

  Mrs. Bennet finished and stared at Elizabeth, “Well, do you have any questions?” she asked impatiently.

  “No.”

  “Very well.” Mrs. Bennet rose and walked to her. “Good night then. Rest well.” She kissed the top of Elizabeth’s head and hastily left the room.

  Chapter Twenty

  “Lizzy, sweetheart,” Darcy nudged the sleeping woman gently off his chest. “We are about to reach London.”

  She did not react, only buried deeper into him. He allowed her to sleep for a few minutes more. However, when they entered the busy streets of Town, he nudged her again, speaking to her softly, asking her to open her eyes. He observed as her impossibly long eyelashes batted against her rosy cheeks to reveal dark green, now misty eyes.

  “We are on the outskirts of London,” he repeated.

  She stretched, stifling a yawn. “So soon?”

  “No, right on time. Even a bit slower than usual, as it rained for the past two days, and the roads are not what they should be. You slept soundly, despite the bumps on the road.”

  She was still rubbing her eyes and yawning. “I am sorry. I was a poor companion.”

  “I felt happy enough with having you in my arms, watching you sleep. But you must be tired, love,” he noted with concern.

  She had fallen asleep almost the same moment he sat her beside him in his spacious carriage, wrapping his arm around her shoulders.

  She reached for her bonnet, which he had removed to make her comfortable. “Those last weeks were exhausting, all the prepar
ations, and before that worrying about Lydia. Moreover, I could not sleep at all last night. I managed two hours before dawn.”

  “Were you scared of the wedding day?” he asked half jestingly.

  She shook her head with a smile. “No, it was not because of the wedding. I had a long conversation with Jane the evening before, which gave me a lot to think about. Moreover, Mama came to my room as well to enlighten me as to my marriage duties, you know, the part about the marriage bed.”

  Darcy winced. “I can only imagine what she said to you. Your mother has a tendency to exaggerate.”

  “To tell the truth, it was not that bad. She was honest and truly tried to help me. Her intentions were the best. However, I must say that if the situation between us was different, and I had not already known what to expect, what she said could be disturbing, even frightening.”

  Darcy looked at her with such an expression, both puzzled and unreadable, that she assumed that he did not want to really hear the details.

  “The most important piece of information I learned for now is that there should not be any bleeding the second time.”

  “Was she sure of that?”

  “Quite sure. She said I would probably bleed a lot the first time, but never after that.”

  “That is a relief indeed. I planned to postpone any further intimacy between us till we learned more about what happened the first time. Last month was so busy that I hardly had time to think where I could look for advice on such a delicate matter.”

  He pulled her into his arms. “I will ask to have dinner brought to our rooms, and we will go upstairs. I cannot wait to be with you.”

  “It is not yet evening. What will the servants say?”

  “I do not care.”

  She smiled and snuggled closer, watching the busy streets of London through the window.

  ***

  They were both in their night attire already, out of the restricting travelling clothes, refreshed with their separate baths they had taken after arrival at the Darcy townhouse. Dinner was served in the small sitting room next to the Mistress’ bedroom. Darcy was hungry, both for food and his wife. He decided it was wise to first satisfy his empty stomach, before dealing with more carnal desires. He always had a good appetite, even as a child, not to mention a young lad when he had seemed to grow foot a year. Today was no different; he was famished, as he had eaten very little at the wedding breakfast. He had prepared himself mentally for the possibility of spending his wedding night with Elizabeth in his arms, but not being able to love her completely. Thankfully there seemed not to be such need. His mother-in-law had turned out to be quite useful for a change. While munching on his roast beef, he stared at his wife’s breasts, mostly uncovered by the deep V of her robe.